CAPTAIN'S LOGE, ENTRY FOURTEY-EIGHTEY-WORDEY

IT’S BEEN A BUSY DAY IN CAPTANIA INDEED. EVERYTHING IS PROCEEDING ACCORDING TO PLAN. MY MOST DELICATE MINION SNIPPY IS SAFE DESPITE HIS BEST EFFORTS TOWARDS SELF-DESTRUCTION. BY FOLLOWING ZEE PROJECTED LINES OF PROBABILITY, I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO JERRY-RIG THE FAIR CITY INTO ALLOWING SNIPPY’S CONTINUED SNIPPITUDE.

YES, I CAN NOW SIT BACK AND INDULGE IN THE LAURELS OF MY SUCCESSES...

THANKS TO MY TIRELESS, SELFLESS WORK, SNIPPY WAS SPARED BEING VAPORIZED BY A STORE APP WITH A ‘LIQUEFACTION OF SHOPLIFTERS’ POLICY EARLIER TODAY.

PROBABILITIES SUGGESTED THAT DESPITE MY EARNEST ADMONISHMENTS AGAINST THEFT, SNIPPY HAD FULLY INTENDED TO STEAL FROM THIS MOST STERN ESTABLISHMENT. FORESEEING HIS BUFFOONERY, I ADOPTED MY DEAR PET PHOTOSHOP, SO THAT TODAY SHE COULD CHASE SNIPPY AWAY FROM HARM.

THE GUIDE-DOG CONTINGENCY WAS A SUCCESS!

AFTER THAT, MY CRAFTY MACHINATIONS SAVED SNIPSTER FROM CARDIAC ARREST BROUGHT ON BY TERROR FROM A WASTELAND WRAITH. DIXON THE WRAITH WOULD HAVE SOUGHT TO ENGAGE SNIPPY IN CONVERSATION, THOUGH HIS MURDER-MACHINE AESTHETIC WOULD EVENTUALLY INDUCE A HEART ATTACK IN FRAIL SNIPPY.

TO PROPERLY DISTRACT DIXON, I ARRANGED FOR HIM TO BE DIVERTED BY A ROMANTIC INTERLUDE WITH MATILDA, A LOCAL ELIGIBLE BACHELORETTE. WITH DIXON ENGAGED IN THE TRIBULATIONS OF YOUNG LOVE, SNIPPY WAS ABLE TO FLEE WITH HIS SQUISHY BLOOD-PUMP WORKING AT FULL CAPACITY!

AND SO SUCCEEDED MASTER PLAN NUMBER SIXTY-THIRTEEN, TITLE: MAKE LOVE, NOT HORROR.

ANOTHER PREDICTED OUTCOME FOR TODAY WOULD HAVE BEEN A BLOSSOMING FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN SNIPPY AND DILLON, A FELLOW OBLIVIOUS UNCONNECTABLE BOOB. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DELECTABLY HALLMARK—UP UNTIL THE 99.99982% PROBABILITY OF DILLON’S ENEMIES, THE TRAFFIC CONE MAFIA AND THE SENTIENT MOLD, TEAMING UP AGAINST HIM. BOTH DILLON AND SNIPPY WOULD HAVE PERISHED IN THE ENSUING ATTACK, LIKE TWO TRAGIC STAR-CROSSED LOVERS ON A SINKING SHIP.

A SINKING SHIP MADE OF SENTIENT MOLD THAT WAS EATING BOTH OF THEM.

YES, IT WAS NECESSARY TO PREVENT THIS FRIENDSHIP, SINCE LIFE IS NO CHARMING AND QUAINT MOVIE, WHERE TWO LOVEABLE MISFITS COME TOGETHER TO LEARN POIGNANT LIFE LESSONS! LIFE IS ONE OF THOSE UNPLEASANT PLAYS THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, WHERE YOU WAIT FOR TWO HOURS FOR SOMEONE WHO NEVER SHOWS UP, AND THEN THE CURTAIN DROPS!

TO ESTRANGE SNIPPY FROM HIS FATAL FRIENDSHIP, I SLYLY TAPED A WHIMSICAL NOTE TO HIS DERRIERE, AND ARMED HIM WITH A MOST CHIC ACCESSORY. THE CLASHING OF THE PURSE WITH THE REST OF SNIPPY’S ENSEMBLE, COMBINED WITH THE SUSPICIOUS NOTE, WOULD BAMBOOZLE DILLON AND SQUASH ANY HOPE OF FRIENDSHIP.

AND SO OPERATION ‘FOREVER ALONE’ CAME TO FRUITION, WITH THE DOOMING FRIENDSHIP WHOLLY PREVENTED.

AND NOW ZEE DAY’S FINAL CONTINGENCY IS PLAYING OUT PERFECTLY—I SEE FROM THE CORNER OF MY EYE THAT SNIPPY HAS MET THE SPECIAL FRIEND I ARRANGED FOR! YES, I HAVE UNITED SNIPPY WITH ONE OF HIS BESTEST FRIENDS OF ALL, FROM ALL THROUGHOUT HIS TEMPORAL HISTORY!

IS HE CALLING OUT HIS GRATITUDE?

IT SOUNDS MORE LIKE HE IS SAYING “For the love of Good, run away!”

THAT’S NO WAY TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO A FRIEND.