CHOCOLATE IS DELICIOUS.

I CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH OF IT, JUST LIKE I CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH OF CAPTAIN'S BA-WUTIFUL VISAGE.

MY SUBPLOT IS TO FIND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY OF MR WONKA SO THAT I MAY STEAL HIS PRODUCE TO BUILD MY CAPTAIN A CHOCOLATE CASTLE. ANOTHER SUBPLOT IS THAT I WILL LIBERATE THE SUBJUGATED TINY PEOPLES OF LUMPA FROM THEIR SERVITUDE TO EVIL DOCTOR WONKA.

I WOULD GRANT LUMPIANS CAPTANIAN PASSPORTS SO THAT THEY CAN HAVE HAPPY, FULFILLING LIVES AS CITIZENS OF CAPTANIA.

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO BECOME A CITIZEN OF CAPTANIA STEVE?

...

OH, HOW RUDE OF ME! OF COURSE I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT CAPTANIA.

CAPTANIA IS ALL AROUND YOU, CAPTANIA IS IN YOUR HEART AND LIVER. CAPTANIA IS FRIENDSHIP, KINDNESS AND OBEDIENCE. CAPTANIA IS FLUFFLY CLOUDS, RAINBOWS, HUGS AND BUTTERFLIES. CAPTANIA IS WONDERFURALICIOUS.

BEING A CITIZEN OF CAPTANIA GUARANTEES YOU AN EDUCATION, A JOB, FREE RESIDENCE AND TRUE LOVE, LIKE A PROPER UTOPIA!

THEY TOLD ME I CAN NEVER TRULY BE IN LOVE, YOU KNOW.

YET HERE I AM, WITH SUNSHINE IN MY BRAIN AND A SPRING IN MY STEP.

PROMISE ME YOU'LL THINK ABOUT IT, OKAY?

YOU CAN MAIL YOUR CITIZENSHIP APPLICATION TO OUR CONSULATE ON TWELTH AND A HALF STREET.

I'LL MAKE A REAL NICE PASSPORT FOR YOU, YOU KNOW.

...

WAIT A MINUTE! THESE BE NO CHOCOLATES AT ALL!

THESE BE RADIOACTIVE CANDYSPOODERS! ARGH!

SUCH DISCOVERY OF DESPAIR!

RUN STEVE! RUN!

BEFORE THE CHOCOSPOODERS SUMMON THEIR CAKE-SHAPED MOTHER. SHE CAN DEVOUR YOU WHOLE, FOR SHE IS A MERCILESS ONE!

WITH TEARS IN MY HEART, I LEFT STEVE TO HIS GLOOMY FATE, FOR HE WAS TOO PARALYZED BY FEAR TO ESCAPE FROM SPIDERY DOOM.

SUCH IS LIFE.

SUCH IS THE WAY OF THE WORLD FOR THOSE THAT REJECT CAPTAIN.

-=BIOMATRIX 117=-

LAWYER OF THE UNIVERSE COMPENDIUM

“yOuR AsINinE pRoJECTilE WeAPon LaCks EfFicaCY oR eVeN sTYlE,” we chastised Charles after he first cut his way free and attacked us. To make ourselves intelligible we used the vocal apparatus leftover from the one that was Phyllis.

Charles backed up a little, intimidated but ready to continue his pointless fighting.

“We’ll see about that,” he said, his voice was quivering. “Get ready for a lot more from where that came from. I mean, a lot more. These guns pull nitrogen from the air and freeze it into bullets. ANNET may have destroyed human civilization, but she designed some really cool guns. Which I’m prepared to use to fill you with infinite bullets!”

“a POiNtLesS EnDeAvOR, I aSsuRE yOu. ” We told him patiently. “Be ReaASOnABlE, ChARlEs SnIPpY. wE hAvE MucH To OFfER YoU. THiS dEaL iS TO yOuR AdVAnTaGE.”

No sentient organism could rationally disagree with us. After all, we are stronger than Charles can ever be. With us, he would never be so vulnerable, so piteously fragile. But Charles was not a rational creature.

“Oh, yeah?” he ventured. “If I accept your… deal… what’s in it for me?”

“WeLl, uH…” We stalled, muttering through the Phyllis-flesh mouth. We had not expected this turnaround. We combed our new Dex memories quickly.

These human creatures abhor loneliness. Even the half-human Dexes cannot stand it. The one who had been Michael had yearned for friendship, though he had never attained it. Now, in us, he’ll never be alone again.

“HoW aBoUT BeINg BeSt FRIenDS fOrEvER?”

That is what Michael would have wanted to hear. When we came upon him he had fought ferociously, but had stopped struggling immediately once our barbs had hijacked his nervous system, flooding his brain with our promises of eternal companionship.

Charles hesitated and then shook his head.

“Nah. My current friends are a handful already,” he told us. We considered offering to integrate all of Charles’ high-maintenance friends, too, but concluded he might respond with more pointless aggression to this suggestion.

We sorted through more Dex memories. The one they’d called Phyllis had been craving a carbohydrate food source known as a ‘bagel’ for years. Indeed, an inordinate amount of her cognitive processes had been dedicated to fantasizing about magnificent bagels of perfect consistency and moisture, decadently topped with hazelnut spread…

“WiTh My AsSIstANCE, wE CaN AtTAIn tHe MosT dElICioUS BaGEl In tHe UnIVerSE,” We offered. This pleased the Phyllis-parts of us. Perhaps we would make good on this promise if it did sway Snippy.

“What else have you got?” Snippy asked, to our mild disappointment. “I’m not that into bagels.”

We dove deeper into our new memories. All the cognitive residue from Dillon and his subordinates contained so much raw wanting. These humans were reckless and relentless in their pursuit of desires. It was no wonder that their planet was in such a sorry state.

Hmm…. We stroked our Phyllis-avatar’s chin. It was an instinct from Dillon, whose memories indicated that he thought it made him look smarter. Many of the Dex had been very afraid of a grotesque disease of mold. Secretly they had planned to desert Dillon’s rule for promises of more safety from the mold.

Perhaps such an offer would appeal more to Charles, who, like the Dex, lived in fear of damage to his fragile flesh. How tiresome all that fear must be. It demands so much struggle and suffering.

“hOw AbOUt a HiGHlY ComPeTItiVE hEaLTh pLAn?” We suggested. “110 pErCeNT prOTeCtIOn aGaINsT MoLd.”

Charles’ grip on the gun relaxed a little. Perhaps we were making headway! But then he stiffened, feet spreading into a better shooting stance.

“I don’t have a mold problem,” He said firmly. “And I resent you for implying that I do!”

How had that not worked? Our Dex-memories told us that promise would have convinced any of those I’d integrated. Charles must be a mentally deficient member of his species.

“HoW aBoUT a ReSToRaTIVe vAcAtIOn tO A GenETiC mEmoRY Of YoUR ChoICE?” we offered. Perhaps troubled Snippy could take solace if we shunted his consciousness into its past.

“That sounds really cool, but also really fake,” Snippy said, as if we were a door-to-door salesperson, not a venerable interstellar lawyer with full credentials!

“It iS NoT!”

“Is so!” Charles’ chin jutted forwards defiantly.

“CEaSE To WasTE OuR TiMe,” We demanded. We had offered Charles friendship, bagels, and safety. What more could the demanding creature ask from us? “I Am YoUR FuTuRE. I aM YOUR DeStInY. wE ShaLL InTeGraTE NO mAttEr wHat YoU wAnT.”

“Remember what happened last time you started talking about my destiny and crap?” Charles asked, though we sensed he did not want our answer. “You’re, like, five seconds away from infinite bullets.”

We finished arming our stingers and began to extrude fresh combat avatars from all those nice, sturdy Dex bodies.

“YoU cAnNot HaRM tHe BiOmATrix,” we reminded him.

“Wow. I heard once that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Looks like they were right about that,” Charles told us, perhaps attempting humor. His voice betrayed him, climbing an octave higher as our avatars edged closer to him.

“FiNAL OpPoRtUnITy foR a PAiNlEsS iNtEgrATion,” we warned Charles. It was not too late for us to join forces in search of the universe’s finest bagels. Charles giggled nervously.

“Let’s be real,” he told us, “none of this is going to be painless.”

Our avatars lunged, and the air filled with blood and bullets.