《Romantically Apocalyptic》40. Fun and Butterflies

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]| CHILDREN'S SCOOTER

]| G-DIR EMPLOYEE USER ID # 88 56 01 :

]| Occupation: Localized Transit

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Good morning, Eureka, happy to meet ya!

My old sale’s gone a little bit stale,

But my price’s a steal, it’s barely real!

These wee tires won’t ever expire,

So step inside, I’m sure you’ll decide,

That today’s the day to go all the way,

And finally invest in a scooter!

Oh! You’re quite tall! And not at all

Like the demographic to which I’m trafficked,

(Which is everyone between six and thirteen)

But never fear, that’s not there or here,

All my parts can adjust, and you can trust

That you’ll have a blast going slow or fast

And scoot to your heart’s content.

Hey! Where’re you going? My hope had just started flowing.

Please come back, sales are slack,

And I will admit that it does sting a bit

To watch you turn away, ‘cause here I’ll stay

And I fear this day will turn to a lonely year.

And it won’t be the first and you know what’s worse,

It probably won’t be the last.

Oh, sad gray December, I can barely remember

My last chance of leaving this lonely expanse

Prior to you coming through.

Say, what’s that in your hand? I really can’t stand

To even dare to think that you bothered to scare

Up the dough, but I don’t know…

Heavens above, that does look like legitimate cash!

I must confess I’ve been under duress—

I’d come to grief with the morbid belief,

That I’d be left here to rot and rust on the spot.

I’d come to think the worst, now my AI chip might burst

With all the joyous feels, so let’s test out these wheels!

I wish you had a helmet, but that’s no repellent,

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So long as you’re over eighteen.

Oh, to face the road and never slow,

At last, my prayers have come to pass.

I so love the holidays, because my dreams came true today.

I dunno where we’ll go or what we’ll see but I’m finally scooting free!

My, this street is sharp and rough, but I’ll be tough.

I’ll do what it takes to stay true,

Through every twist and turn.

We’re off to tour the city, I’m sure it will be pretty,

When it’s covered in snow and the bones don’t show,

And until then I’ll be strong and scoot right along,

Because the worst is behind me, and I can see

That the thing to do is stay with you.

Long after my warranty ends you can still depend

On me for all your scooting needs.

CAPTAIN'S LOGE, ENTRY TWO SEVEN CEE MINUS ROOT OF JAY.

DEAR PAST SELF,

IF YOU ARE SNEAKILY READING THIS DIARY, NOTE DOWN THIS TALE OF INTEREST AND LEARN SOMETHING OF VALUE FROM IT.

TODAY, WHILE HAVING A GOODLY SCOOTERING TIME, I FOUND A MOST BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY.

I WAS PLANNING ON OFFERING IT TO SNIPPY AS A TOKEN OF APPRECIATIONS, BUT IT TURNED OUT TO BE THE SPORADICALLY EXPLODING KIND. FOOLISHLY, I HAD FORGOTTEN THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF AN URBAN EXPLORER: THE CUTER SOMETHING IS, THE MORE LIKELY IT IS TO ENSNARE YOU.

THE EXPLOSION OF THE BUTTERFLY ATTRACTED OTHERS OF ITS KIND FROM THE HIVE, BUT THANKFULLY I HAD MY ANTI-EXPLOSION-AND-EXTRA-MOISTURISING CREAM ON ME. THIS, PLUS A GOOD WORD, AND I WAS ABLE TO WALK AWAY RELATIVELY UNSCATHED, WITH ONLY THE TIP OF MY HAT SLIGHTLY CINGED.

I CANNOT SAY THE SAME FOR THE LOCAL ENVIRONMENT, WHICH TURNED INTO A MASSIVE BONFIRE. I WONDERED WHO WOULD PAY OUT THE INSURANCE PREMIUMS TO THE MISFORTUNATE DISTRICT 54 RESIDENTS AND WHETHER THE BUILDINGS WERE EVEN INSURED FOR SUCH.

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LOOKING DEEPER INTO THIS MATTER, I DISCOVERED THAT THEY WERE INDEED NOT COVERING EXPLOSIVE BUTTERFLY INCIDENTS.

SINCE I BLAMED MYSELF FOR THE BUTTERFLY INCIDENT, I WENT PROMPTLY TO KNOCK ON THE DOOR OF EVERY RESIDENT AND OFFER A FORMAL APOLOGY FOR THEIR LOSS OF POSSESSIONS AND HOUSING UNITS.

A GOOD WIZARD SHOULD ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF MISTAKES (EVEN IF OTHERS ARE TO BLAME) AND ATTEMPT TO FIX THEM, OTHERWISE AN OUTSTANDING AMOUNT OF BAD KARMA WILL OCCUR MY WAY AND THAT'S NOT THE KIND OF THING I WANT TO HAVE ON MY RESUME.

I EVEN OFFERED THE BADLY BURNED RESIDENTS A BURN-HEAL-CREAM AND A SHINY COUPON FOR A "FREE DISLOCATION TO THE GLORIOUS NATION OF CAPTANIA" AS PART OF MY APOLOGY, PLUS PROMISES OF VARIOUS DISCOUNTS IN SELECTED MALLS OF CAPTANIA!

MANY DID NOT ACCEPT MY COUPONS. PERHAPS, THEY EVALUATED MY NEWFOUND COUNTRY AS TOO YOUTHFUL AND INSECURE.

A NOTE FOR MY LOGE BOOK: HIRE SNIPPY TO CREATE BETTER PAMPHLETS FOR "CAPTANIA WONDERS AND PROMOTIONS". HE IS NOT THE BESTEST OF DESIGNERS, BUT AT LEAST HE'S GOOD AT SNIPPING THEM CORRECTLY AND NEVER MISSES AN EDGE, UNLIKE PILOT WHO TENDS TO MAKE THE PAMPHLETS TOO SPHERICAL. [ PILOT REFUSES TO TOUCH SCISSORS, CLAIMING TO BE ALLERGIC TO THEM. ]

THE BURNED RESIDENTS DEFINITELY DID NOT APPROVE OF SPHERICAL BOOKLETS, COMPLAINING THAT TEXT IS TOO HARD TO READ WHEN IT IS CURVING OUTWARDS AND INWARDS WITHOUT GOOD REASON. I TOLD THEM TO FORWARD THEIR WHINES TO PILOT'S OFFICE, FOR A PROPER DESIGNER SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE A HEARING FROM HIS CRITICS.

THE RESIDENTS' APPENDAGES WERE ALSO NOT MEANT FOR SUCH CONFIGURATION OF FORM AND SO THEY KEPT DROPPING THE PAMPHLETS, WHICH THEN ROLLED DOWN INTO THE SCORCHED STAIRWELL.

I SUPPOSED IT WAS A FORM OF RE-DISTRIBUTION OF INFORMATION.

WITH THAT JOB MORE OR LESS DONE, I VENTURED INTO THE BUTTERFLY HIVE AND FILED THEM WITH A REPORT OF IMPROPRIETY. THE BUTTERFLIES DID NOT READ MY REPORT AND INSTEAD MADE IT EXPLODE, WHICH WAS RATHER CONSISTENT OF THEM.

I AM NOT SURE WHAT I EXPECTED, REALLY, SINCE THEIR CORE FUNCTION WAS SET TO EXTREME VIOLENCE.

PERSISTENCE IS OFTEN KEY TO SUCCESS, I THEN RECALLED.

THUS I KEPT ON FILING MY REPORTS UNTIL THE BUTTERFLIES HAD RUN OUT OF STEAM.

WITH THE RESIDENTS HEROICALLY/BRAVELY AVENGED, I DEFRAGMENTED THE HIVE TO CREATE BUTTERFLIES THAT ARE MORE SOCIALLY AWKWARD BY MAXING OUT THEIR INTELLIGENCE AND SHYNESS VALUES.

AT LEAST THAT WAY THEY'LL STAY AWAY FROM CONSUMERS AND STICK TO THEIR OWN ROOMS, LEARNING ABOUT THE WORLD THROUGH THE LENS OF AN INTERNET BROWSER AND ONLY THREATENING TO EXPLODE THINGS ON SOCIAL FORUMS, WITHOUT ACTUALLY FULFILLING SUCH PROMISES.

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