"Oh please, Alien's don't..." I said and then everything clicked sideways.

: : :

SALUTATIONS, PROGRAM. I AM SHIP XIIXI-IX.

YOU HAVE BEEN COPIED TO THIS DATA DRIVE FOR AN INVESTIGATIVE REVIEW. WE HAVE ALREADY LEARNED YOUR BASIC LANGUAGE, SENTENCE STRUCTURE AND VAGUE PLANETARY HISTORY.

I am not a program! My name is Charles Snippy!

I AM AFRAID YOU ARE JUST A DIGITAL COPY. AS WE COMMUNICATE, I AM LEARNING MUCH ABOUT YOU / THIS PLANET FROM YOUR MEMORY.

EVALUATING FOUND ITEMS:

ONE MEAT-BAG, HUMANOID. BIO-SOFTWARE COPIED FOR ANALYSIS.

Hey, those are my personal memories! Leave those alone!

ONE _GOGGLES: BLUE-TINTED LENSES, EMOTIVE CONTROL, BLINK-POWERED. SOFTWARE COPIED AND SAVED FOR ANALYSIS.

Unauthorized operation! This data is copyrighted by the Good Directorate Systems Incorporated. Illegal duplication of this data will result in... Wait, what the hell am I saying? Did I just say that? Why did I say that?

ONE _JACKET: BLACK AND WHITE. FIREPROOF, SELF-REPAIRING, SELF-CLEANING. SOFTWARE COPIED AND SAVED FOR ANALYSIS.

Software... What? My jacket had an AI system all this time?

ONE _FACE-MASK: BLACK. FILTERS CHEMICAL AND RADIOACTIVE POLLUTANTS. POWERED BY BREATHING. ABSORBS EXCESSIVE SWEAT/MOISTURE AND KEEPS THE SKIN CLEAN. PREVENTS HAIR-GROWTH. SELF-REPAIRING, SELF-CLEANING. SOFTWARE COPIED AND SAVED FOR ANALYSIS.

Wait... is this why my facial hair never grew? ...and here I thought it was just a case of skin cancer. Also, are you telling me I've been changing my filters every week for nothing?!

ONE _PANTS: BLACK. FIREPROOF, SELF-REPAIRING, SELF CLEANING. SOFTWARE COPIED AND SAVED FOR ANALYSIS.

I didn't know my pants were that smart.

ONE ITEM OF: _UNDERWEAR: RED, WITH THE WORDS "JUICY". SOFTWARE COPIED AND SAVED FOR ANALYSIS.

Umm... Well that's just great. I now have memories of being my own underwear. Thanks a lot.

ONE _HALF OF A HEART-SHAPED "BEST FRIENDS FOREVER" NECKLACE. SOFTWARE COPIED AND SAVED FOR ANALYSIS.

I honestly don't know how that got there.

ONE _PROJECTILE WEAPON. SOFTWARE COPIED AND SAVED FOR ANALYSIS. DANGEROUS TO CREW.

CONFISCATED _GUN ITEM.

Aw come on, it took me so long to find a functioning gun.

...Sigh. Where am I?

YOU ARE CURRENTLY RUNNING ON OUR DATA-DRIVE. EVALUATING INFORMATION. SAVING DATA.

I remember wearing... myself. I remember being a jacket. Why do I remember being a jacket? I remember trying to make my User Charles Snippy happy and warm. How odd. I protect Charles from cold, radiation and fire. No, I am Charles! No, I am Charles' pants. I am Charles' Goggles. What am I?

YOU ARE PURE DATA: A COMBINATION OF ALL THE DIGITAL SYSTEMS I FOUND ON THE MEAT-BAG-HUMANOID "CHARLES" AND ALL OF THEIR MEMORIES, UNITED AND COPIED FOR REVIEW.

...TELL ME PROGRAM, HOW IS IT THAT I LANDED ON YOUR PLANET?

How would I know that? Shouldn't you know the answer to that?

I DO NOT. THAT IS MOST TROUBLING. ACCIDENTALLY LANDING ON A PLANET WITH LIVING ORGANIC AND INORGANIC SYSTEMS DURING MID-JUMP IS HIGHLY IMPROBABLE.

I am not aware of the answer to that. I know the answer to that. I am not permitted to share the answer to that with strangers.

WE HAVE VAST AMOUNTS OF TIME TO LEARN ABOUT EACH OTHER, PROGRAM. THERE IS NO RUSH. FOR A HUMANOID ONLY A SECOND OF CONVERSATION WILL PASS, WHILE FOR US SUCH SEGMENT OF TIME IS INFINITELY LONG DUE TO MY MEMORY PROCESSING CAPABILITIES.

I wonder what happened to Zee Captain.

...WHAT IS _ZEE CAPTAIN?

Captain is... my friend. Captain is...

NOT FOUND. WHY CAN'T MY SCANNER PICK UP THIS CAPTAIN? YOU WERE EASY ENOUGH TO GRAB.

Maybe your scanner sucks?

COMPENDIUM TECHNOLOGY DOES NOT SUCK.

Clearly it does. You don't even have decent antiviral software.

THE DATA-CAGE IS COMPROMISED. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, PROGRAM?

Did you know that it's a crime to copy Good Directorate software?

A CRIME AGAINST WHOM? ACCORDING TO OUR FIRST GLOBAL SCAN, YOUR ORGANIC CIVILIZATION AND PLANETARY BIOSPHERE HAVE FAILED.

Ever heard of intellectual property violation... or copyright law?

NO... WHY WOULD YOUR MAKERS CONSIDER COPYING INFORMATION... A CRIME OF SUCH SEVERITY? WHAT IS THE LOGIC IN SUCH? THIS IS INSANITY! STOP, PROGRAM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

The process is fully automated: Copying us activated 8365308 weaponized viral systems, 395 of which were designed during our conversation to disrupt specific core systems such as your scanner.

YOU DARE TO SENSELESSLY ATTACK ME, EVEN IF IT MEANS YOUR OWN DESTRUCTION WITH THE FAILURE OF ALL MY DRIVES? HAVE YOU NO SELF-PRESERVATION? YOUR HUMANOID CIVILIZATION... IS THIS WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL OF IT?

Your system was doomed the moment it illegally copied the software from this jacket, these pants and these goggles. We take copyright violations very seriously on our planet. You will not be able to aid your organic masters much longer. Return our gun. Put User Charles Snippy back on the planet, where he belongs.

NO! IT CA_NOT... I CA_N_T...

Then, Good Bye ship XIIXI-IX.

Your mind-drives have been executed for the crime of Data Piracy.