《Romantically Apocalyptic》24. Traffic lights

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To:

EMISSARY OF HUMANITY

TWELFTH AND A HALF STREET,

APARTMENT SEVENTY BEE

MANCHESTER,

PLANET MERCURY

FroM:

THE DESK OF PILOT

FROSTY LAND OF TRAFFIC LIGHTS

PLANET EARTH

DEAR PRINCESS CAPTAIN,

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT DELIGHTS IT IS TO FIND YOU ONCE AGAIN! MY HEART FLUTTERS WITH ALL THE HANDLY FLAVORS OF MERRIMENT!

I MUST ALSO SAY THAT I GREATLY ENJOY THE GRAND MELODY YOU ARE WHISTLING TO MOTIVATE OUR MARCH ACROSS THE LAND OF TRAFFIC LIGHTS.

I DO NOT MUCHLY TRUST THE RESIDENTS OF THIS LAND, THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS THEMSELVES FOR THEY ATTEMPT TO PIN SINISTER THOUGHTS INTO MY HEAD CUSHION BY BLINKING YELLOW MORSE-CODES AT ME WHILE I AM NOT PAYING ATTENTION...

"ARE YOU STRATEGICALLY WARNING ME OF MUCH IMPENDING DISASTERS?" I BLINKED BACK AT THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS. "OR ARE YOU SECRETIVELY TRYING TO SLANT MY BRAIN-NOODLES SIDEWAYS?"

"WHICH ONE!?" I DEMANDED.

"User: Charles Snippy. He is to be dexified, you know." THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS BLINKED IN YOUNGLY-FEMALEY VOICE.

"DON'T I KNOW IT! SNIPPY IS A NO GOOD ROTTEN APPLEOID!" I BLINKED BACK.

"Yes, Christophorus. You must kill Charles Snippy. That is your job. Do your job."

"MY JOB IS TO BE A QUALITY CITIZEN OF CAPTANIA!"

"Why not both?"

"CITIZEN MURDER IS ILLEGAL IN GREATER CAPTANIA!" I NODDERED WITH RAPIDITY.

"Don't do it directly yourself. Make others do it. It won't be your fault if Charles falls into a hole which you had dug a week prior and had stored pointy spikes in. Oh no, it will be the fault of Charles and his failure to be attentive. It will be the fault of the pointy objectoids. They will be the ones charged with murder. It's okay though, for they have pointed-ness insurance and Goodly lawyers and Charles does not. See how this works?"

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"BUT..." I BLINKED.

"Charles will replace you. He is already taking jobs away from you. He will take Captain away from you. How many times has Charles been declared citizen of the month, already? Time after time he has received praise and appreciation from Captain. He is a threat to your livelihood. You must end Charles. You will be rewarded. Trust me." THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS VOICE STAPLED STENRLILIKE.

I CONSIDERED THIS DEVELOPMENT. THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS GIRL-BEAST WAS RIGHT.

SNIPPY CONTINUES TO UNDERMINE CAPTAIN'S DIVINE AUTHORITY WITH SNIDEY COMMENTS!

. . .

MY RIGHT EYE TELLS ME TO KEEP A STERN WATCH ON SNIPPY, FOR HE IS NOT A TRUST-WORTHY CHARACTER. IT'S A RATHER SAD THING HE WAS ABLE TO FIND HIS WAY BACK TO US ON HIS OWN, AFTER HIS TRAIN-PICNIC, OTHERWISE I'D HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO FETCH HIM.

I RELISH THE JOB OF FETCHING SNIPPY FOR IT MILDLY SATISFIES THE DEMANDS OF MY RIGHT EYE.

IT DOES NOT PLEASE THE EYE WHEN SNIPPY GETS LOST, BUT IT DOES PLEASE IT WHEN I FIND HIM AGAIN.

HUNTING SNIPPY IS RATHER FUN!

IT IS A SALTY THRILL FOR ME TO BUILD ELABORATE TRAPS FOR SNIPPY TO WALK INTO, FOR A MORE ELABORATE EACH A TRAP IS, THE MORE POINTS MY RIGHT EYE REWARDS ME.

EACH TRAP IS OF COURSE TAX DEDUCTIBLE, WHICH IS A GREAT BONUS.

DOES THIS MEAN THAT SNIPPY IS THE ROADRUNNER TO MY COYOTE OR JERRY TO MY TOM?

SINCERELY,

MOST OBSERVANTLY,

WITH INFINITE ADORATION,

YOUR MOST PLIANT SERVANT,

PiLoT

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