To:

EMISSARY OF HUMANITY

TWELFTH AND A HALF STREET,

APARTMENT SEVENTY BEE,

MANCHESTER,

PLANET MERCURY

FroM:

THE DESK OF PILOT

UNION TRAIN STATION,

CITY OF EUREKA,

PLANET EARTH

DEAR PRINCESS CAPTAIN,

PLEASE ACCEPT MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES. I COULD NOT LOCATE PLATFORM NEGATIVE TWENTY AND FOUR QUARTERS. I LOOKED EVER SO HARD FOR IT, BUT I GUESS MY WIZARD POWERS JUST WEREN'T ENOUGH TO DISCOVER IT.

I DID LOCATE PLATFORM NINE AND THREE QUARTERS, BUT THAT WAS DEFINITELY NOT THE ONE YOU BOARDED THE ADVENTURE TRAIN FROM.

PLATFORM NINE AND THREE QUARTERS HAD A DECAYING ANTIQUATED RED-SCARLET ENGINE TRAIN AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF BLACK ROBED SKELETONS WITH SILLY POINTED HATS, STRIPED SCARVES AND FELINE BADGES CLAMBERING ABOARD. EACH OF THEM HAD A POINTY STICK OF VARIOUS SIZE, WHICH DISTRACTED ME FOR A WHILE BECAUSE I WANTED TO FIND THE POINTIEST STICK OF THEM ALL FOR THE PURPOSES OF POKING SNIPPY WITH.

I ALSO FOUND A WONKY METAL TUNNEL-DOOR LEADING TO UNDERGROUND AUTOMATON METRO PLATFORMS THAT WERE GOING TO ALL THE NECESSARY AND UNNECESSARILY PLACES. HOWEVER, THEM MECHANIZED TRAINS WITH FACES WERE IMPOSSIBLY HARD TO BOARD BECAUSE THEY WOULD STOP FOR NO-ONE. THEY UN-POLITELY AND GRUMPILY FROWNED AT ME AND TOLD ME TO GO AWAY BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE A TICKET.

WHEN I REFUSELED TO GO AWAY, AND DEMANDED TO SEE THE FAT CONDUCTOR, A SCAPULAR SECURITY-CATERPILLAR CLOMPLED ME UP, GAVE ME MUCH STATIC SHOCK AND SHOVED ME OUT OF THE METRO.

I TRIED TO TRICK THEM BY DRAWING A MONOCLE AND MOUSTACHE ON MY FACE WITH A PIECE OF COAL TO APPEAR MUCH DASHING, BUT THEY WERE SMARTER THAN THAT AND SAW THROUGH MY ARTISTIC DISGUISE AND KEPT THE DOORS LOCKED.

PLEASE WRITE BACK WITH DIRECTIONS OF WHAT TO DO NEXT.

I AM OF MUCH SAD : (

THIS TRAIN STATION CAFETERIA SERVES ONLY HOT DOGS AND CARROT JUICE AND THE LINE TO THE BATHROOM IS FAR TOO LONG FOR REASONABILITY.

- - -

I HAVE TRIED ASKING FOR A TICKET REFUND, BUT THE FAT CONDUCTOR REFUSES TO GIVE IT TO ME.

"c_tzZ_e_Nn, procCEed towardZ the tiCKet deZk!"

HE BUZZES AT ME.

MR CONDUCTOR TOLD ME TO GO TO THE TRAIN STATION,

WHEREUPONS SHE SMOUSHED THROUGH THE WALL LIKE THE COOL-AID-GUY,

AND TOOK THE TICKET DESKS JORB.

"No refunDZ, ticketZ ZZale dezZK iZ cloZZED, come baZk tomorrowZ at 8:00 AM,"

THE TICKET DESK SAYS IN A MONOTONE, ECHOEY, REPEATORY VOICE.

"BUT I AM THIRSTY FOR ADVENTURE!"

I SAYS AND BANGS ON THE DESK.

THE REPEATORY VOICE NAGS THE SAME TUNE BACK AT ME, REFUSING TO COLLABORATE.

"WAIT UNTIL CAPTAIN HEARS ABO0T THIS!"

I SAYS TO HIMS.

"AN EMPLOYEE OF CAPTANIA SUCH AS MYSELF SHOULD NOT BE STUFFLED BY THE LIKES OF YOU! I HAS NOT TIME FOR DILLY-DALLYINGS! YOU BEST GIVES ME A NEW TICKET OR I WILL WRITE YOU UP!" "...COME BACK TOMORROW AT 8:00 AM"

THE VOICE REPLIES.

I PULL OUT THE BOOK OF COMPLAINTS AND AND WRITE THE FOLLOWING INTO IT:

-===-

DEAR TRAIN STATION DIRECTOR,THE BEHAVOER OF THE TICKET SALES PERSON IS SIMPLY HEIGHLY INCONSIDERATE! AS A FELLOW CUSTOMER I AM APPAULTED AND DISJOINTED BY SUCH FINITE DISRESPECTS! YOU BEST REDUCE THEIR SALARIES 1.4% BECAUSE THEY NEED TO LEARN SOME STACKABLE MANNERS! ALSO, YOU NEED TO GET A NEW BOOK OF COMPLAINTS, BECAUSE THIS ONE HAS NO PEN AND IS IN AN APPALLING CONDITION (FALLING APART/STAINED). IT TOOK ME 4.3 HOURS TO DISCOVER A PEN AT YOUR TRAIN STATION AND ANOTHER 3.24 MINUTES TO MAKE IT WORK FOR THE INK WAS MOST STUFFLY AND HARD. ALSO, YOUR TOILETS DON'T FLUSH PROPERLY, BUT INSTEAD MAKE A LOUD GURGLING NOISE. I ASSUME THEY ARE HAUNTED BY THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE. PLEASE ADDRESS THESE ISSUES OF IMPORTANCE, LEST YOU LOSE THIS CUSTOMER.

SINCERELY, PILOT

-===-

...AS I FINISHED WRITING MY WEIGHTLY COMPLAINT THE SALES DESK GAVE ME A 2.4 STAR RATING AS CUSTOMER AND CLOSED ITS SHUTTERS.

I WAS MOST PERTURBED BY THIS INSUFFICIENT RATING AND BANGED ON THE SHUTTERS FOR A WHILE DEMANDING A RE-EVALUATION.

THE SUN IS SETTING AND I DON'T LIKE THE DARK MUCHLY.

PLEASE SEND A NIGHT-LIGHT,

SINCERELY,

MOST COOPERATIVELY,

WITH INVALUABLE RESPECTS,

YOUR MOST ACCEPTABLE EMPLOYEE,

PILOT