《Romantically Apocalyptic》9. Tunnel letter
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To:
EMISSARY OF HUMANITY
TWELFTH AND A HALF STREET,
APARTMENT SEVENTY BEE
MANCHESTER,
PLANET MERCURY
FroM:
THE DESK OF PILOT
GIANT PIPE TUNNEL,
WASTELAND
PLANET EARTH
DEAR PRINCESS CAPTAIN,
WHY DO WE NEED THIS SNIPPY CHARACTER?
I FIND HIM RATHER SHADY, BLAND, OPAQUE, AND LACKING COLORS.
HIS INSOLENT PRESENCE GNAWS AT MY FEELINGS LIKE THAT BOTHERSOME MOTH THAT KEEPS EATING MY JACKET AT NIGHT FROM THE INSIDE OUT.
AND, JUST LIKE THE MOTH, IT DOES NOT LEAVES IF ASKED POLITELY. FURTHERMORES, POKING IT WITH A POINTY DEVICE OF VARIOUS EXTREMETY AND BASHING IT WITH AN OBJECT OF VARIABLE WEIGHT DOES NOTHING BUT ANGER IT.
IT WAS EVER SO FUN WHEN IT WAS JUST THE TWO OF US, RIDING OUR QUAD BIKE, BASKING IN LOVELY SUNSHINE, BAKING PANCAKES, FLYING COWS, BLOWING UP THE EVIL-DOERS, AND SAVING THE WORLD.
BUT NOOO... HE JUST HAD TO JOIN US AND RUIN OUR PERFECTLY RELEVANT FUN-TIMES.
NOW OUR DUO IS SOME KIND OF TWISTED TRIO.
EVER SINCE HE'S COME INTO OUR LIVES, DISRUPTING OUR HARMONY, THINGS HAVE BECOME LOPSIDED. ALL THE MISSIONS THAT SHOULD RIGHTFULLY HAVE BEEN MINE HAVE BEEN GIVEN OUT TO THIS BLACK AND WHITE COMB-FLAKE. I'VE COUNTED! EXACTLY 34.57% OF OBJECTIVES THAT I AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF CARRYING OUT, HAVE BEEN HIJACKED BY HIM!
AND DO YOU THINK HE EVER FULFILLS THEM PROPERLY?
NO HE DOESN'T!
HE IS AS USELESS AS A BUCKET OF LARD!
AS SOON AS I DID LAY MY LEFT EYE ON HIM, MY RIGHT EYE DID TELL ME THAT HE MUST BE "PUT TO SLEEP". MY RIGHT EYE ISN'T ALWAYS RIGHT, THOUGH, SO I WILL RESIST THE IMPULSE TO CRUMPLE HIM LIKE A WATERMELON... AS YOUR EXCELLENCE DID CHOOSE HIM OUT OF ALL THE OTHER POINTLESS ROCKS IN THE DESERT TO BE THY NEW "PET PROJECT". WITH EACH BLINK UPON HIS SLOTHY FACE, I MUST SLAP MY RIGHT ARM DOWN, FOR IT RISES TO STRANGLE HIM GOOD... FOR GOOD REASONS.
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LIKE DO WE R44ALLY NEED ANOTHER MINION?
AM I NOT EN1OGH?
CAN'T WE JUST GET RID OF HIS PERSON?
THERE ARE SO MANY FRIENDLY CHAPS IN THE CITY THAT HE COULD STAY WITH THAT WOULDN'T MIND HIS BOTHERSOME PRESENCE, AS THEY ARE BEING DEAD AND ALL.
...AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT? HE DOESN'T EVEN BELIEVE IN YOU! NOT ONE BIT. EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE RESCUED HIM FROM A FROSTY DEMISE HE STILL THINKS OF YOU AS SOME SORT OF "REGULAR". HE KNOWS NOT THAT YOU ARE THE RIGHTFUL INHERITOR OF THE UNIVERSE AND ALL ITS CONTENTS. HE DARES TO DISGRACE MY LIEGE WITH PESKY WORDS OF DISBELIEF.
OH BUT WORRY NAUGHT, FOR I SHALL "CORRECT HIM". OR AT LEAST TRY. I HAVE A RIGHTEOUS PLAN IN MY MIND-ROOM 4 DEALING WITH THIS INTERL0PER AND HIJACKER OF FEELINGS!
EVEN AS I WRITE THIS LETTER, INSIDE A GIANT PIPE, BY GLOW OF FIRELIGHT, HE DIGS INTO MY SOUL WITH HIS BORING EYES, SOILING MY PINE THOUGHTS WITH HIS MENACING, MECHANIZED EYEBROWS THAT WIGGLE OF THEIR OWN ACCORD.
I FEAR THAT MY FAVORITE PINK CRAYON IS RUNNING OUT, SO I MUST END THIS LETTER HERE.
SINCERELY,
MOST CORDIALLY,
WITH INFINITE RESPECTS,
YOUR MOST OBEDIENT SERVANT,
PiLoT
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