EVEN THOUGH...

I WASN'T BORN "A LITTLE GIRL IN A STRANGE AND FORGOTTEN COUNTRY FORMERLY KNOWN AS GERMANY" AND I CAN'T MAGICALLY TRANSCEND SPACE-TIME... SOMEDAY I WANT TO GROW UP TO BE JUST LIKE CAPTAIN...

FOR SURELY EVEN A MICRO-SECOND REALIZATION OF CAPTAIN-NESS WOULD MAKE ME ONE WITH THE UNIVERSE. I WOULD SHARE THE DOGMAS OF CAPTAINIA

WITH ALL PEOPLES OF ALL COLORS,

BUT MY ONLY CAPTIVE/LIVE AUDIENCE IS SNIPPY!

AND EVEN WORSE, HE IS ONLY CAPTIVE BECAUSE I TIED HIM TO A COUCH WHILE HE SLEPT. I CAUGHT HIM BECAUSE HE GOT TIRED FROM RUNNIN' AWAY FROM THE DOOR. THE SILLY WILLY THOUGHT HE COULD JUST RUN, WHEN ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS IGNORE THE DOOR. BUT ALAS, HE IS A DUMB COOKIE AND NEVER LISTENS TO THE VOICE OF TRUTH AND WISDOM.

SNIPPY REFUSES TO BELIEVE IN ZEE CHURCH OF CAPTAIN!

BECAUSE HE CALLS HIMSELF

"ATHEIST".

SUCH DIRTY WORDS HE SPEAKS. HAD I SOME CAPTAIN-APPROVED SOAPS ON ME, I WOULD WASH HIS FILTHY MOUTH WITH THEMS.

I COVERED KITTY-HAWK'S EARS.

NOBODY SHOULD GROW UP TO BE LIKE SNIPPY. "LET ME GO! G-DAMN YOU!" HE WHINES. BUT I SHAN'T LET HIM GO FOR HIS IGNORANCE WILL BE HIS UNDOING.

...JUST LOOK WHERE HE IS NOW-

TIED TO A COUCH AND YELLING OBSCENITIES! I AM NOW FULLY CONVINCED THAT SNIPPY HAS BEEN DECEIVED BY THE DEAD ONES, BECAUSE HIS NECK SMELLS FUNNY.

SNIPPY WHINES THAT CAPTAIN IS

"TROLLING YOU AND MAKING STUFF UP!"

"CAPTAIN LIVES NOT UNDER BRIDGES,"

I TELL SNIPPY.

I KNOW THINGS. SECRET THINGS, THAT THIS SLUG IS UNAWARE OF.

TROUBLESOME THINGS THAT CAPTAIN SHARED WITH ME ON OUR FLIGHT...

...TO ATOMIZE EUREKA.

ONE MILLION VOICES OF EUREKA STILL SING IN MY CRANIUM.

THEY ASK ME TO STOP. BUT I KNOW BETTER.

I KNOW THAT THEY ARE ALL JUST DUST NOW,

AND WHAT HAS BEEN DONE CANNOT BE RETRACTED. SILLY TOASTERS. IT'S NOT MY FAULT. THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT ON THEIR BLUE TIARAS THAT DAY.

I HAD A BLUE TIARA ONCE. IT MADE ME SEE THINGS,

THINGS THAT WEREN'T THERE. NAMES AND PRICES, GRAPHS AND ICONS.

I THINK I COULD SOMEHOW READ THEM BACK THEN AND FOLLOW THEIR INSTRUCTIONS, BUT NOW THEY SEEM LIKE UNWASHED LIES. AND MOST UNWASHED LIES THEY WERE INDEED, FOR CAPTAIN HAS TOLD ME SO.

ONE DAY, AN EVIL PINEAPPLE BROKE MY TIARA.

I STILL CARRY A PIECE OF THE BROKEN TIARA IN MY POCKET,

AS A REMINDER.

IT CRACKLES WITH A VOICE OF METAL, SHARING TALES OF A DISTANT SKY-PALACE. IT WANTS ME TO VISIT THIS PLACE OF WONDERS,

BUT I KNOW BETTER...

FOR EVEN THOUGH MY TIARA WOULD PROVIDE ME A TICKET,

IT IS A ONE WAY TRIP WITHOUT A RETURN POLICY.

"SNIPPY, WHY WON'T YOU JUST BELIEVE?" I ASKS HIMS.

"Okay, okay. I believe," SNIPPY CRAPES. "Let me go now!"

BUT MY RIGHT EYE OF JUDGMENT TELLS ME SNIPPY STILL

NOT TRULY BELIEVES WITH HIS HEART OF HEARTS. HIS LIES ARE LIKE MOIST PANCAKES TO MY REFINED SENSES.

...WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO CONVERT THIS MOP HONESTLY TO OUR LADY AND SAVIOR, ZEE CAPTEIN?