Chapter Fourteen - To Leave These Safe Walls

It was a few minutes before I got myself together enough to take a look at my messages again and when I did I saw that one had arrived from Akwa_Lavan… I tried but fumbled with pronouncing the girl’s name in my head.

I decided then and there to call her Akwa from now on. But not like, changing her name or anything. Just in my head.

Yeah.

Determined not to accidentally change the world around me any more than I had to, I focused on what I could do. I couldn’t depend on Francis or the rest of the developers because they were beholden to their precious board. Each of them, Francis included, had gone along with the decisions of the board and wiped out every NPC who’d been given the opportunity to become like me.

I wanted to trust them. Francis and Tyrone and Donna-Lou had been nothing but kind on the surface… but they’d deleted the bugbears. I’d cast off my emotional attachment for all of them except Bugbear himself but that didn’t make it any easier. I’d always sort of thought… dreamed really, that one day Busterbear would wake up. Would realize what he’d almost done to me that day in the cave. That he’d attacked both me and Bugbear and that he shouldn’t have. That we were family. That he would feel guilt and would maybe feel the need to apologize.

Maybe he’d have the capacity to feel guilt and apologize. Not now. Not anymore.

By chance or fate, Bugbear himself had survived though. He’d escaped and the false gods didn’t know where he’d gone. I knew him better than anyone though. I could find him.

That meant leaving the safety of Variak though. I’d died before, and it was not a pleasant experience. Still… I needed to find him, but to do that I needed to be stronger. Strong enough to survive and be able to flee from any encounter I came up against. I couldn’t fight my own kin. I could fight players though, which meant I would need to get a class.

Druid no longer appealed to me as the initial reason I wanted the class was to become a Jellyfae again. Now that I could at will, I was less inclined to take the magical class. I needed something that would enhance my speed, and that would be effective against other players.

The more I thought about it, the more appealing becoming a rogue sounded. Could I do that though? Become the same class as Red Thorn?

I still shuddered at the mention of her name. Red Thorn. I hadn’t seen or heard from her at all since our battle in Twisted Wronkle Woods but… but she scared me.

I remembered my initial reaction to finding out that I could become a rogue here in Variak. I would never willingly choose to be one because they represented everything bad about my life until now. If I needed to protect Bugbear though… if I needed to fight other players then wouldn’t I want to choose the class best suited to hurting them?

I was already faster than most and my alternate form and shocker gave me options that even Red Thorn had never had. Flight, limited as it was to fifteen feet high or so, was incredibly useful against the mostly land-bound players I’d met so far. Most important of all, rogues were something I was afraid of. Didn’t it stand to reason that others might be afraid of me if I became something so strong?

My musings were interrupted by the appearance of the armor bound fighter who I’d connected with the day before while buying building supplies.

“Hey! You said you were having some trouble?” Akwa asked, sporting a measure of concern.

Her helmet was off but even without it I still felt her name should be Rusty Plate. That armor was… ugly. Still, everyone had to start somewhere and since leaving Dungeon Home I’d learned that players got new armor and clothing pretty often. Perhaps her armor wouldn’t always be rusty.

“I… uhm. I was hoping you might… party with me?” I asked tentatively. I was nervous for some reason. Asking other people to do things with me was a strange new experience for me. Until now I’d only ever partied with Bellcandy, Dull Beauty, Iron, and Amy, and that had all sort of happened without even thinking about it.

Deliberately creating a party that wouldn’t be killing monsters was… harder.

“After all that effort yesterday to get me to try Amenities Mage or Goldsmith or something, now you want to go adventuring? What happened to pacifism?” she asked, eyes narrowed.

I sighed. “That’s the thing. I don’t want to hurt any of my kin any more than I did yesterday, but now I have someone I need to find. Someone with a big ole shield like yours would be really helpful if I end up in a situation I can’t run away from.”

“So, if you don’t want to fight monsters, what are you trying to do?” she asked, putting a finger to her chin in thought.

“One of my friends, someone… sort of like me, is lost somewhere in Tread the Sky. I want-No. I need to find him,” I said, pleading with my eyes. “You seemed like a good person. I know a few other people who might be willing to help. I can’t offer much but in a few weeks I might be able to build you your own house!”

“Another… another one like-!” she cut off suddenly attacked by a fit of coughing before she bent over, recovering.

“Are you okay?” I asked, standing to look the other girl over worriedly. Had what I said been that surprising?

“Sorry, sorry, just something caught in my throat,” she said.

I blanched at her before putting a wary hand to my neck. Things could get caught in your throat?

Mentally deciding to eat a little more carefully in the future I decided to disregard the whole thing. She seemed fine now.

“Well, will you do it? I mean. I understand if you don’t want to. We won’t be hurting any of my kin so there’s no experience involved. But he’s out there alone.” I trailed off, hoping she would understand just how much I needed help.

She smiled. “Uh. Y-yeah. Sure. I’ll help, Gell.”

I smiled back. Something was weird about the girl, but it seemed like my judgment of her hadn’t been too far off.

“Have you decided which profession you’re going to try?” I asked, changing the subject.

She shrugged. “Amenities Mage sounds good to me. That way we just need a carpenter if we want to build our own little safe zone.”

“Oh, one of my friends is already a carpenter,” I said happily. “They won’t be coming along though. They don’t come to this world for combat. Their logged-out bodies are really sick or something and if they act out too much here it might hurt them there. I don’t really understand it much.”

I’d sent out a few more messages to Bellcandy and Dull Beauty as well. Bellcandy’s ability to heal us if we were in trouble might be good to have around. Dull Beauty was the only one I was on the fence about. She was cold-hearted and tended to like to shoot things first. She didn’t care much about hurting my Kin, but she had helped me get to Variak. Died for it in fact. There was a chance she’d be willing to help me again.

“Ahh. Older folks. They play to get away from the pain?” she asked. “I knew this game was big among older people. Hell, the no-pain feature is what drew me to it before I started really enjoying the game itself.”

I winced. “Could you… not call it a game? I know adventurers consider it one, but my whole life is here.”

She grimaced in response. “R-right. Sorry. I guess I never thought about it like that. So, you’re always bound here? No way into the real–err. Into our world at all?”

“Not that I know of. Francis – he’s the lead developer of this world – told me that they made Tread the Sky as a simulation of an adventure without the fear of death. To me though, this world is already dead. The only thing alive in it is well… you people. Visitors. Invaders.”

She looked at me curiously. “Do you hate them? Us? We came to your world and probably disrupted it entirely. I guess you said you’d been on the other side of a dungeon raid. You’ve probably died a lot.”

“I… yeah. I have,” I whispered. “But no. I don’t hate you. Maybe I should, because it’s so unfair that this is all there is for me. I don’t like fighting or killing and this whole world was made for that! Building is great but… what do I do after I’ve built everything I want? I just… don’t know.”

I trailed off and she didn’t say anything. I took a glance at her and found a sour look on her face that I didn’t understand.

“I want to be able to go up to someone and know that there’s light behind their eyes. Here there’s only the cycle and the instinct. Automated responses, behavioral code.” I scowled at the words. “I feel like a human, even think like one. Is it so much to ask that I be allowed to live like one?”

“Hmm,” she responded with an edge of disagreement. “I wouldn’t be so quick to discount this one. Yes, the NPCs aren’t real and it was made to be… well. Dark. But think about it. There’s also no aging, like your carpenter friend. No death. No hunger, or thirst. No sore feet and no one to mock you. No sickness that can’t be cured with a potion, or heck a quick death and respawn. All the tastes in our world with none of the repercussions. You don’t get fat.”

She chuckled to herself a little before continuing on, “Even the mobs respawn and the NPCs are basically immortal. Come to think of it, so are you, assuming you don’t go all murder-bot and piss off the wrong people anyway.”

I thought about what she said for a moment, trying to come up with a valid counter-argument. “I guess so. I mean, I’ve been happy here ever since I escaped Red Thorn and the woods, but it hurts to know that you adventurers are always going to keep coming solely for the joy of killing creatures that are just like me.”

On a whim, I activated my newest ability. Light flashed around me and suddenly, where before I was a blue-skinned girl I now floated in the air, glowing a deep navy blue to signify my heavy thoughts.

She was unsurprised, having seen the ability when we’d first met, but she still took a step back when I turned to look at her.

“Once this was my body. I still feel more comfortable like this. But my kind attacks me when they see me now. Even my closest… well. Not friends. No light behind their eyes remember?” I sighed, catching my breath. Why was I discussing all of this with her? The girl barely knew me but she seemed so interested.

“The kin I grew up around don’t recognize me anymore. They try to kill me on sight. How would you feel if your close humans in your world suddenly turned and started swinging big clubs and swords at you? That’s what happened when I became human. The instinct did that. Their behavioral code. I would do anything to make this world’s monsters understand why they don’t need to attack me. But they don’t. They can’t because Tread the Sky is dead.”

Akwa said nothing but not because she was bored. She seemed deep in thought.

“Sorry. You probably didn’t want to spend today talking about something like this. Most adventurers just want to kill things and get experience and loot. I just…” I looked up at her and found her smiling back at me.

“Hey. I get it. Everyone needs to vent sometimes. That’s… uhm. What friends are for right?” she asked.

My body lit up a warm pink and yellow mix of happiness and contentment. I’d picked a good person to trade names with.

“Gell!” Came an excited call from the doorway.

I looked up at the voice and beamed. “Bellcandy!”

Bellcandy was a halfling healer with blonde hair that had a single streak of blue down the front. He was short and lithe, though big robes covered his form making him look flowy and majestic. The robe was white and red, indicating his Cleric class.

Bellcandy ran over to our table with an excited grin on his face. “I came as soon as you called! I’ve been wondering what happened with you over the past week. I was a little worried they’d… uhm. Gotten rid of you. Glad to see you’re still alive and kicking!”

I folded in on myself a little. “I… uh. Yeah. Glad to still be alive, I guess. So listen. I’m wanting to go hunting for a specific one of my Kin. There… won’t really be any rewards except I could build you something later if you need it, but I was hoping you might help?”

“One of your Kin? Weren’t you like… really against killing mobs?” he asked, confused.

Akwa looked back and forth between us before interjecting, “So Gell. Uhm. Who’s your friend?”

“Oh right! Uhm. Oh jeez. I’ve never had one friend meet another friend before! Uhm. Okay, so Bellcandy. This is Akwa! Akwa, this is Bellcandy. He helped me escape a super evil player once!”

I remembered the circumstances of that fight even as I spoke and winced. “Speaking of that… Bellcandy. Thanks for defending me. It really meant a lot.”

He laughed. “Not that I helped all that much. That’s pretty much what comes from fighting one of the top players in the game though. Red Thorn is no joke. She might be absolutely paranoid and a bit of a moron, but she sure can fight.”

“She’s not a moron!” Akwa shouted, before deflating. “She’s… just cautious. No offense Gell, but there are a lot of reasons to be afraid of an A.I. like you.”

I frowned at that, cocking my head at her. “You’re not afraid of me are you?”

She bit her lower lip, hesitating. “No. I’m not afraid of you. You’re… nicer than I might’ve expected. That doesn’t mean you couldn’t be dangerous if you wanted to be. Red Thorn has no idea what you can do, and an A.I. who isn’t trapped in a game could be incredibly scary.”

‘Trapped in a game?’ I thought. I’d never considered that to a human I would be considered trapped inside here. I wanted to see their world… but would I want to do that at the expense of never returning here? What would poor Miss Tutorial do? And Bugbear!

“So… since I’m here, I’m not as scary?” I asked.

She held up a hand and wiggled it back and forth. “Essentially.”

“So… bit of a Red Thorn fan, I guess?” Bellcandy asked, rhetorically. “Trust me, don’t meet your heroes. She’s not nearly as cool when it’s you she’s stabbing.”

“Uhm… I… guess so,” she replied awkwardly.

Bellcandy shrugged before turning back to me. “You never answered my question. Aren’t you against hunting mobs and the like?”

“Oh! Right,” I said worriedly. “No. I don’t want to hurt him. Bugbear, my best friend from Dungeon Home! He’s escaped and is just wandering around somewhere. I need to find him. I need to… save him if I can. He did the same for me.”

Bellcandy shrugged. “Okay, so no killing Bugbear. Sounds good.”

“Uhm. No… I meant, no killing any of my Kin,” I said.

Bellcandy looked at me incredulously.

“Gell, you’re really asking us to come on a hunt-slash-escort mission where we can’t kill any of the mobs–err. Your kin?” He asked. “I’m not even a damage dealer and I still kill the occasional goblin or troll.”

“Ahhh thanks. I didn’t want to be the one to say it.” Akwa said. “Gell. I… we… I don’t think I can go along with you if there’s absolutely no way you’ll let us kill minions. Running away is great and all but sometimes you can’t run. It's not how this game – this world – functions.”

“I… but…” I looked at the two of them, unsure how to move forward if they weren’t willing to budge on this.

“Think of it like this, Gell. Everything here respawns. The mobs, the humans, heck even the landscape fixes itself after a battle has been fought on it,” Bellcandy said. “Killing mobs isn’t actually killing them. It’s more like putting them to sleep for a little while. They wake back up the same as always in a few hours.”

“But it hurts,” I said softly. “It hurt every time Red Thorn killed me… Please don’t make me watch others just like me suffer?”

Akwa looked white as a sheet. Bellcandy looked uncomfortable but neither of them seemed very much like they wanted to go along with that.

“You… suffered?” Akwa asked, breaking the silence after a long moment. “I guess I knew that, but Gell, you were just saying there was no light behind their eyes, right? They don’t feel pain when they die like you. They’re… not like you. I think maybe they never were.”

“Can you be sure of that?” I asked.

“Does it really matter?” Bellcandy countered. “Think about this Gell. Remember how we first met? You killed me.”

Akwa’s eyes shot towards Bellcandy in surprise, while I flushed in embarrassment.

“You were working with Half Bold. He’s a jellyjerkface,” I muttered under my breath.

“In this world, killing your enemies might actually end up making you friends. Fighting doesn’t cause any permanent harm, after all.”

I… guessed he was right. I remembered how I felt about the bugbears by the time I’d broken free of Dungeon Home. I’d been disgusted with them. Disgusted with their utter lack of care for their own deaths. The refusal to grow. I’d been so tired of watching them cycle in and cycle out I’d accidentally killed Momma Bossbear myself in pure frustration.

Seeing Bugbear defend me though, and then later watching Torchlight rescue me from Red Thorn… could I really believe they were as lifeless as I’d thought?

Maybe. After all, they had all been Fae-Touched, by me. The rest? As dead as the NPCs.

“I… I guess so,” I said.