Mash stared at his friends, struggling to figure out what to say. He decided that he didn’t want to be a coward anymore, and that would start now. The others were sitting across from him. They were waiting for him to continue his previous words had obviously been insufficient. He hadn’t taken the step to get their help. Simply telling someone of his problems and thoughts was only the most basic step. It was something he felt like he owed them, that they deserved to know. The next step though was to seek their help. That was what he owed himself. He couldn’t take it if he made another mistake without at least trying to change. His friends and family could help him, and he owed it to himself to try. He should even speak with his parents, though he found that idea to be a little horrifying. First, he would start with his friends.

“I’m a coward.”

He didn’t start with a lot but felt like those were the most important words he needed to say. Saying them, made the words feel more real. Turned them into a brand, a title that others would be able to see. He continued quickly, not really wanting to hear a response. Whether they refuted or repeated the words, they wouldn’t change for him.

“I haven’t seriously thought of the past once. Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds? It doesn’t even sound like that should be possible. But it’s the truth. Priscilla has been showing me my past. It’s not as fun as I would’ve hoped. I was expecting a lot more action, but the story has just been kind of twisted.”

Mash tried to muster a sarcastic smile with his words, but it was bent awkwardly. He wasn’t crying but he felt like he was on the precipice of it. If he tried continuing, he was sure that he would start. Although, he didn’t want to do that. With everything he had done, he didn’t deserve to cry yet. Instead, he slowed down and took a long breath. The air felt hot as it slowly leaked from his mouth. He took another breath immediately after the first. This one made his chest feel full, and steady his breathing enough for him to keep going.

“Everything I have done was just me running away. I hadn’t noticed it, but I just acted. If something happened, I decided in the moment how it would change me. Every single sad or horrific moment had nudged me in a direction, but never stopped my run.”

That was the truth. His life had been nothing but a constant run forward. The problem wasn’t the fact that he kept moving, it was that he never turned around. Life was something that had loops. Sometimes you were heading backward without even realizing it. That was what he had been missing. He needed to take a step back to learn what direction was best for him. And that wasn’t something he could do alone; he knew that now.

“I don’t know what to do. How do you reflect on something? How do you learn from it? I know I need to sort my shit out, but I just don’t know how. I feel like I will make things worse by looking into my past. “

This was his attempt to get help. The question he wanted to answer. He didn’t even feel like a person, asking a question like that. it was something that people should just know, but he didn’t think he understood what it meant. To look through his past without letting himself get stuck in it, seemed like an impossible task. Hopefully, his friends would have an answer. It was a small hope, as he didn’t think many people even considered a question like that.

“How did we not realize?”

Jill was looking at Red and Luke, her gaze turned to one of realization. Her complete disbelief seemed mimicked by the others. It was Red who next chanced a reply, and she responded to both Mash and Jill.

“I don’t think anyone could have realized. Nobody would think that someone never dwelled on their past. I don’t think I will ever forget about my mistakes. My class itself is a reminder of the biggest one. And Mash, I don’t know what to tell you. But, if you find out, I would like to hear the answer.”

Red’s words carried an edge of sadness. Her pain leaked out as she spoke. Despair and regret were experienced by everyone. He couldn’t say that he was any more or less important. Pain was something everyone dealt with differently. Her response didn’t give him much hope. It sounded like she was almost as desperate as he was.

“I think that no one will be able to answer your questions. There is no answer. I don’t know if there is any way for me to help, but I can at least tell you what I think about when I do it.”

Luke’s words were like that of a savior. Despite his own words not carrying any answer, Mash was glad to learn anything.

“I just think about it, constantly. My mind doesn’t wander very often, but it usually does before I go to bed. I kind of use that time to reflect on the day, and other things. Honestly Mash, I kind of assumed you thought about that stuff more than I did. You tend to space out a lot.”

Luke was trying to be gentle with his words and didn’t directly accuse Mash of anything. Mash knew that he was absent-minded, and Luke could have used much harsher language. Hearing what Luke did was helpful, but Mash wanted more.

“What do I even look for? I feel like thinking about the past will just make me feel worse if I don’t have something to focus on.”

Mash would look through all of his memories and wanted to know what he should be trying to accomplish with them. Simply confronting them didn’t seem like enough. He wanted to change himself, to figure out what he should be doing.

“No, you don’t try and do anything. Just let whatever thoughts come, come. Don’t be stupid and try and decide your life again. Everything that happens to you doesn’t need to carry a deeper meaning. Just confronting your past is enough. Don’t try and think about anything. It will just happen. Then tell us what you come up with.”

Mash’s question had been in response to what Luke had said, but Jill was the one to respond. Her calling him stupid didn’t escape him. He didn’t disagree with it. It was an apt description. The way she said it told him how ridiculous this situation was to her. He knew that this situation was preposterous. It simply wasn’t something any person should ever have to go through, and Mash couldn’t help but wonder if the class system had any involvement. Although, he knew that blaming anything but himself was a lie. The others had classes and they didn’t suffer from the things he did.

A horrific thought drifted into his mind, one that he couldn’t bring himself to confront. People who raised their stats before their minds could handle it had ended up insane. He had always thought he had been one of the lucky ones. One of the people who hadn’t sacrificed their minds for power. He had never let himself consider the other situation. It was just another reason why he should’ve reflected more on his past. Mash looked towards his friends. He knew that he should tell them. It had been Red who had told him of it in the first place. He started to speak, but the words changed as he said them. In the end, he was still a coward.

“I need some time to think. I’m going to have Priscilla help me walk through my memories. I will tell you everything once I’m done. I know it's not fair, but can you deal with the other stuff.”

Mash looked toward where the portal had been. It was enough to let them know what he meant. To add to the effect, he opened the portal but knew that he was just running away again. He didn’t want them to look at him like he was damaged. Like his mind was fundamentally broken, and that he was insane. He rushed the opening of the portal to get them to leave. To change the subject and get some time to himself.

Jill P.O.V

Jill saw Mash sitting against the tree. The portal had just finished forming, but she didn’t look at it. She was distracted, focused on the person sitting in front of her. His clothes had changed a little. At first, she didn’t think anything of it but remembered what his path was at the last moment. His clothing had grown more worn as the conversation had progressed. Now it looked like he had dragged it against the ground. Many wrinkles covered the outside of his shirt, and the sleeves looked like they were fraying a little. She wanted to insult him. It would help her deal with her anxiety, but he didn’t need to hear it. Although, she still repeated it for herself.

Why is it that your most valuable outfit can actually make you look homeless?

She found a smile tugging at the edges of her mouth, though it wasn’t because the joke was particularly funny. Rather, it was the ridiculousness of the whole situation that had grown on her. Mash had asked them about a fundamental part of being a human, and she had thought of a joke. The situation was serious to him, but she found the whole thing unbelievable. It was kind of like when his siblings claimed to be heroes or monsters.

She decided to just leave him with a nod. It would be enough for the moment. She could teleport to his world, and he knew it. It was probably why he was fine with remaining here while he reminisced on his past. They could come to him whenever she wanted to. Plus, she could understand the desire to figure things out before sharing them with someone else.

As she pushed off the ground, her palms pressed into unnaturally stiff grass. It had been one of the oddities of Mash’s world. The plants here were strong. The grass was stiffer, even the leaves would not bend normally. It bothered her, especially after the incident with the weird flesh monster. That was still a sight she wouldn’t be able to forget easily. Once she was standing, she frowned as something was passed into her mind. It was almost like gaining knowledge of her status, but it was not the same. She was used to getting a message from Priscilla, but she hadn’t been expecting it.

[Mash thinks that he is insane. That he broke his mind when he raised his stats as a kid. Do not mention this unless he decided to tell you.]

The message startled her. Not because of the way she received it, but because of its content. It implied that Priscilla was doing this behind his back. She couldn’t help but be a little scared by the knowledge. It made her wonder what else Priscilla could do behind his back. The knowledge bothered her more because it meant that Mash wouldn’t have told him on his own. She knew though, that it wasn’t so easy to reveal something like that. Since she could understand why he would keep quiet, she knew better than to turn around and give him any strange looks. Once she walked through that portal, she would have enough things to deal with.