The knowledge he had shared with others had been flawed from the very beginning. The assumptions he had made had built on one another. He had assumed that any portals Daniel saw would be a sign of invasion, but that had obviously been an idiotic notion. There was no reason why that had to be the case every time. How could he even know?

It wasn’t some kind of rule that these portals were just meant for invasion. The more the thoughts revolved in his mind, the more he understood. His beliefs had been skewed by his experiences, but in reality, that didn’t count very much. He wouldn’t even be considered an adult in his own world, and he hadn’t even been to that many dungeons. It wasn’t like he was old and had years of dungeon delving experience. No, he barely even had one year of experience, yet had spoken to Daniel like he had all of the information. He had been so confident, so foolish.

His strength, and the way everyone seemed to stress his fate had made him think too much of himself. He believed that he had discovered secrets that none had ever known. He believed that everything he figured out was revolutionary and true, but now the reality fell on him like rain. Mash couldn’t help but think about all the people he had told. He was practically lying to them with how stupid he had been. He couldn’t help but imagine, his brother sending people into dungeons. They would assume that there were enemies on the other side. The thought of other adventurers as powerful as he was, or even Arthur himself going to another world and killing the people there entered his mind. Mash could practically see the piles of dead bodies that could be laid at his feet. The mountain of corpses. A shiver ran through his spine, as he considered it.

Mash realized then, just how much he had believed in his own judgment. When had he grown so narcissistic? Since when he had believed that he was the center of everything. The things he experienced were right and true. How arrogant had it been to assume that he was the only one to experience those truths, and not consider if others had shared them for a reason? No, that wasn’t true, he did consider it. But his thoughts had been elsewhere at the time. He had blamed the nobles and leaders, thinking that they hid the truth to maintain their broken society. Constantly, he had found others to blame for everything and had gotten used to it.

“What is wrong with me?”

The words slipped out unintentionally and had barely even been a whisper. However, a dull silence picked up when they came out. Everyone had clearly heard them. Mash had barely even noticed how the discussion was going and couldn’t even remember what they were talking about. Mash lifted his gaze to see what was happening. He didn’t even know when it had dropped, and he was surprised to realize that he wasn’t crying. He felt like he should be, but nothing came. He honestly couldn’t even tell what kind of expression he was wearing. Whatever it was, it obviously made his friends grow concerned.

“What was that?”

One of the elders spoke, but Mash couldn’t tell which one. He was looking right at them too, but it felt like his gaze was drifting past them. It didn’t feel like he could meet their eyes. The shame grinded against him, and he tried to form a response. What did he even say though? The truth? Would it even be the truth?

[Nothing, or you will ruin any chance at peace. Even if what you think is true, that knowledge will not save anyone here.]

Priscilla’s message came quickly, and Mash felt like she was angry, or maybe frustrated. He didn’t have anything to say in response either. His thoughts just felt broken, like nothing was coming as clearly as he wanted. Idly, he wondered why his items weren’t helping but knew that the earrings wouldn’t be able to affect his mind as much anymore. His skills, specifically a touch of nothingness had lessened the effects of any attempt to alter his mind.

Despite Priscilla’s message, Mash felt an urge to tell the Elder’s the truth. Although, he still couldn’t trust himself to even know if that was the truth. There was a chance though, and they deserved to know it even if it was wrong. The words formed on Mash’s tongue but died there as well. Another message from Priscilla silencing anything.

[Don’t be stupid. I have told your friends to handle the discussion. What would you do anyway? If they wanted your life, would you let them, have it? Your friends wouldn’t let that happen. You would just be causing more death.]

Mash didn’t disagree, he couldn’t trust himself to. At the moment, it felt like anything he would say, or think would just be wrong. Like there was no way for him to right. He wondered what Priscilla had told the others, but he was afraid to ask her.

He had pilled his friends along. Taking them on his misguided journey. Even if it was stupid, he couldn’t help but feel responsible for everything. For Red and Jill’s horrible experiences with their advancements. Then it went beyond that, to their first time in Krall, and what had happened with Leah. How many things had he caused? Not because of his fate, but just because of his arrogance, of his stupidity.

Mash noticed that his gaze had fallen again. He saw his hands resting on his thighs, and thought they looked wrong. Inhuman, like they didn’t belong on him. An image flashed. The fleshy abomination that had appeared when he had tested his affinity mixed with the sight of his hands. His mind saw him for the monster that he was and accepted it. The acceptance startled him enough to jerk his hands to the side and look upward. It frightened him, and he tried to focus on what was happening.

The elders looked like they were getting up, and Mash noticed that everyone was doing the same. Mash turned his gaze to his friends, trying to figure out what had happened, but they didn’t seem to notice. However, he spotted the concerned looks they gave him and tried to change his expression to something more pleasant. He didn’t know if it worked. It felt like his body wasn’t really his own. Like it was something he had made and controlled to be convenient. Again, he thought of that half-alive thing. He looked away from the others and started walking towards the exit as Priscilla sent him a message.

[We are returning for now. Red said that you need to inform Daniel and his people of the situation. She also said that she would return and bring another with them. The Elders agreed and had promised to keep their prisoners safe and would free them if a peaceful solution could be found. They would’ve said more, but she rushed the discussion for your sake. Just follow them.]

Mash did exactly that and followed closely behind Luke. He had completely missed the entire discussion. Priscilla’s mention of the prisoners reminded him of what Daniel had asked of them when they entered. Of the assurance, he had given. He almost wanted to laugh at the memory, at the callous reality of that situation. As the walk grew longer, his mind was able to wander more than he would like. It was a spiral, and he didn’t know how far the bottom was. He needed time to think, to figure out what to do. He needed to tell Arthur, and at least try and change something, anything.

[Restrain yourself or talk to me. This is not the time.]

Mash couldn’t tune out Priscilla’s messages. It was an unexpected and much-appreciated aspect of their bond. He couldn’t run away or ignore her, and he was glad to have someone to talk to. He tried to think of something cohesive, but only managed to send an incoherent series of images to Priscilla. An endless amount of dead that he could almost see pilling up around him. The hundreds of dominos that had tumbled from his stupidity.

Then something about his thoughts, changed and he realized that Priscilla was responding in a way. The images that he had; the scattered memories that showcased his mistakes shifted. They reordered themselves, a chronological order seeming to interview their thoughts. His memories were sorting themselves, and his imagination was building on them. It was a cascade of sorts, and he wobbled on his feet for a moment. He tried to pass it off as a stumble, but he knew that his friends wouldn’t buy it.

He didn’t know if people with his stats could get overwhelmed by his emotions. Was he going to collapse? His mind felt like it was attacking him like his body just couldn’t agree with him.

[You are fine. Let me control your body. I can at least walk properly.]

Mash felt like a child listening to Priscilla, but he conceded to her anyway. He could still observe his body through his domain and saw how his movements stiffened a little. To him, it was obvious that his body was being controlled, but he doubted that the guide or the other escorts would be able to notice. The elders hadn’t come with them. Feeling comfortable with Priscilla’s control, Mash refocused on his thoughts. On what Priscilla was still presenting him with.

It felt like he was looking over the events of the past year but was acting as a spectator to them. He could see how absorbed he had been by his own life. The way he had acted, the things he had done. One thing came out most clearly, his worldview had been so small. All the worlds he had been to, all the great beings he had spoken with. All of it just seemed so much smaller. Nothing about the places or people changed. The God he had met was still a god, though even that seemed like it had become more insignificant. Even though Priscilla had shown him his meeting with the World Owners, he saw even those encounters as narrow.

Before, his actions had felt like they were for some greater goal. That was almost laughable considering how thin his experiences had been thus far. He had built his castle out of snow. No matter what he did, it would melt when the season changed.

The world around them shifted, and he reflexively took control of his body again. The reaction had been unavoidable, and he almost fell as soon as it happened. He was saved from the fall by Luke, who had caught his arm and held him up. Mash knew that he was a little heavier than he looked, his body had gained weight with his advancement. Luke could still hold him easily. Mash was grateful for it, considering that his mind was still spinning.

He didn’t hesitate once he got through the portal though. There was only one place he could go to truly avoid any snooping. A blessing of his class that he didn’t normally appreciate enough. The portal started opening in front of him. Wood rose from the ground forming its usual archway. It was late at night, and Mash didn’t detect anyone within his domain. He did notice Jill teleport away, though she reappeared by the time the portal had finished. The wooden framed passageway seemed more ominous now. What had felt like a gateway into his own soul, frightened Mash now. Without checking to see if the others would follow he stepped into the portal.