Once upon a time…

There was a girl. She lived in a big house with her mother and father, who loved her very much.

And then her mom died. This happens a lot in fairy tales.

Anyways her dad was super sad about his wife dying. He knew he couldn’t take care of his little girl all by himself, so he married a widow who already had two daughters, so presumably she knew how to take care of kids. The dad was kinda a jerk, though, and made it super clear that his daughter was the favorite out of the three kids in the house. I mean, he didn’t even try to make the other girls feel like they were a part of his family. So the daughter, her name was Ella by the way, was treated by her stepmother the same way her stepsisters were treated by her dad. Like “yeah we live in the same house but we aren’t related”.

Then one fateful day the dad went to a different city to work, but on the way home he was attacked by bandits and killed. Everyone was super sad about this. But since this was back when it was against the law for women to work or have money, the double widow knew they were screwed.

Now, Ella had an inheritance, and every month she got just enough money for her and the other three to live on. The widow, in charge of the money since she was an adult, realized that there was enough money for three people to live pretty nicely on, actually, but not four. So she decided to turn Ella into a slave so she didn’t have to go to school or anything, and take the money for herself and her daughters. I mean, Ella’s dad would have done the same thing to her kids had she died. Probably.

Winter came around, and to keep warm Ella basically slept inside the fireplace. I’m pretty sure doing that was super bad for her lungs, but anyways every morning she made breakfast and brought it to her step-family covered in soot and cinders. So the step-sisters renamed her Cinder-Ella which when you think about it is really dumb. I mean, I don’t think the word “Cinderella” existed before then. So these step-sisters seriously lacked imagination. It’d be like if someone saw me with flour on my face and decided to call me “flour-Nikki”. It’s just stupidly lame. Like, really? That’s the best you could come up with?

Where was I? Oh right. Sorry.

So Cinderella grew up thinking she had no money and basically being a slave. Her life kinda really sucked.

One day, when she was like sixteen I think, the king of the land decided it was time the prince get married.

The prince was like “but I’ve never met any girl that I really connect with, y’no?”

And the king said “Ok then, I will invite LITERALLY EVERY FEMALE IN THE KINGDOM to a party, and you can meet all of them.”

Since this took place in a time when guys not being into girls was illegal, and the prince’s subtle hints weren’t doing the trick, the prince agreed to meet literally every woman in the kingdom. Plus it sounded like a great party.

So the invitations were sent out, and one went to Cinderella’s house.

The step-sisters were like “oh heck yeah, I’m totally gonna marry the prince!” And immediately went out to buy new dresses for the occasion.

Cinderella was like “Hey, I’m female, do I get to go?”

And her step-mom was like “ehhhh I guess but you have to re-grout the bathroom and scrub the roof and paint the underside of the stairs first.”

Cinderella, determined to go despite all that, got to work re-grouting the bathroom. She also took one of her step-sister’s old dresses and adjusted it so it fit her! The day came around and she was super ready to go to the ball!

Unfortunately, the step-sister recognized the dress, and threw a total temper tantrum about it. The other step-sister joined in, and together they ruined the dress to the point Cinderella couldn’t go.

So Cinderella went out back into the pumpkin patch and cried her eyes out.

Now, at this point in the original story there’s something about a magic tree that’s secretly her mom or something, or possibly a magical cow. I don’t know, there are a lot of different versions of this story, even going back like a thousand years or so. I’m pretty sure there’s a version from China where she’s got a magic fish. But the Disney version is the one I know best, so let’s stick with that.

While Cinderella was crying, a bright light suddenly appeared. It warped and wiggled, turning into an old lady with wings.

Cinderella was like “Aaaah! Magical pixie here to abduct me!”

And the old lady was like “Noooo Cinderella, I’m your fairy godmother! I’m here to help you get to the ball!”

And Cinderella was like “One, my name is Ella. Two, fairy godmother? Really? I’m fairly certain the Catholic Church wouldn’t allow a fae to become a godparent. Three, if you’re supposed to be looking after me, where the heck have you been for the past decade?”

And the fairy was like “I’ve been in the Mediterranean, eating lotuses! It’s a long story, but I’m here now so do you want help or not? Also it’s amazing what a priest will allow if you give him enough gold.”

And Cinderella was like “…K. Help plz.”

So the fairy started singing, twisting a magical sparkly spell around the teenager, giving her an amazing dress and hairdo and makeup. Then she cast a spell on a pumpkin and a couple mice, and they became a carriage and four horses. Oh yeah, and a couple random lizards became the people who drive carriages and open the door and stuff like that.

Anyways, that only left the shoes. The fairy wanted Cinderella to have a memento of the night, so she teleported over to a shoe store, grabbed a pair, and turned them into glass. Then she went back to Cinderella.

She explained “Look, magic only lasts a certain amount of time. The pumpkin and mice were extra changed, so they’ll only last until like midnight. The dress and hair will probably hold up till like one in the morning. The shoes weren’t changed all that much, so they’ll last a week and then be normal shoes. So basically make sure you’re home by midnight or else things might end badly. Ok?”

Cinderella agreed, and off she went to the ball.

Meanwhile, the prince was regretting all his life choices. He was greeting one lady after another, all of them obnoxiously trying to flirt with him. He was wondering if death was the better option when Cinderella walked in. The prince immediately felt drawn to her, because magical hotness has to count for something.

He thought “Hey! If I dance with this chick all evening, the other girls won’t be able to flirt with me! Perfect!”

So he took Cinderella’s hand, and they danced for like four hours straight.

Cinderella was getting really really tired of dancing, but couldn’t think of any excuse for stopping. Until suddenly the clock started striking midnight, and she remembered the pumpkin thing.

She was like “oh no, I’m so sorry, really, but I’ve got to go! Byeeeee!” And booked it for the nearest exit.

Unfortunately, heels are stupid hard to run in, so she kicked them off to run faster. She picked one of them up, but the castle guards were chasing her at that point so she noped the heck out with only one shoe.

The prince thought this was perfect, and picked the shoe up. He declared he would only marry her! No one else. He was totally in love, yep, smitten like a kitten, and would rather live out his days alone than marry some other chick.

The king was like “I see nothing odd about this! Quick, find every female in the country who wears a size 6.5 shoe!”

Cinderella got back home only mildly squash-covered, and went up to her attic to sleep.

The next morning, as Cinderella was waxing the marble staircase (it’s not murder if someone slips and falls down a flight of stairs all by themselves), the king’s guards came to the house.

They were like “yo, anyone here with a 6.5 shoe size?”

The step-mother was like “YES both my daughters wear that shoe size!”

Cinderella was like “I also wear that shoe size!”

So the guard brought out a 6.5 size shoe, and told the three girls to try it on. If it fit, they’d go to the castle and meet the prince!

The older step-sister tried it on, but her feet were like a size 8, so they super didn’t fit. The step-mom said this wasn’t a problem, brb, and took the girl in back. Where she sawed her toes off.

When they came back the guard was like “I’m sorry, but DUDE what the heck NO.” And didn’t let her try it on again.

The younger sister tried the shoe on next. She wore about a 7, so she aaaaalmost fit but not quite.

The step-mom again was like brb, and took the girl in back. Where she took a potato peeler and cut off her heel. They wrapped the heel up and came back to try the shoe on.

The guard was like “Eyy it fits! Congrats, you get to come with me to the why is blood dripping out of the shoe?”

When he found out about the heel he denied the younger step-sister entrance to the palace. Cinderella was still there, but she couldn’t try the test shoe on because of all the blood.

She was like “Hold on a sec.” And ran up to her attic. When she came down, she had the other glass shoe!

The guard was like “Wow, a size 6.5 glass shoe! Come with us immediately!” And took Cinderella to the castle.

Once there, with undeniable proof she was the girl the prince had danced with all night, the king decreed they would get married immediately since that’s what the prince wanted.

Presumably Cinderella and the prince had a chat in private about how their relationship would actually play out. She couldn’t complain about going from slave to princess, so I don’t think she was all that upset about it.

They got married and lived. Yep. Oh, and the step-mother was executed for permanently disfiguring and crippling her daughters.