Once upon a time…

There was a farmer. Or at least I think he was a farmer. In any case, he didn’t have a lot of money. He lived next door to a witch, which doesn’t sound like a very smart place to live, but maybe it was one of those “I was here first” deals, so he didn’t want to leave. Anyways, his wife was pregnant, and had cravings. It was like 3AM and she was about to murder someone for a parsnip. Or maybe a rutabaga. Some kind of root, whichever one translates into German as “Rapunzel”.

Not potato.

Thing is, the farmer guy didn’t have any parsnips in his pantry because he wasn’t a king or anything with surplus food just hanging around. And since it was stupid early in the morning, no shops were open. But the witch had a garden, and in that garden were a bunch of root vegetables, including whichever one is a rapunzel. Or was it Russian. No, pretty sure this was German.

Anyway, the farmer guy told his preggers wife he’d get her a parsnip or whatever, and went to the witch’s garden to steal some roots. Unfortunately, the witch had some kind of security, and heard the guy.

She was all like “Yo! What you doing stealing my rutabagas?”

The farmer was like “My wife will literally die if she doesn’t get one this instant cuz she’s preggers!”

And the witch was like “Is this your firstborn?”

“Yep!”

“Epic. Tell you what: instead of calling the cops or turning you into a donkey for stealing, just give me the kid when it’s born.”

The farmer was like “Heck no!”

And the witch was like “We can still go the jail or donkey route. Besides, I promise to take care of the kid!”

So the farmer, not wanting to be in a German jail in like the 1200’s, agreed to hand the kid over when it was born.

A couple months passed, and the farmer’s wife gave birth to a beautiful girl. They named her basically “potato” as a reminder of why she wasn’t going to live with them and also because they really wanted her to get bullied in school, I guess. I mean, they weren’t going to have to pay the therapy bills, so why not.

The witch took the baby and put her in a stupid tall tower in the middle of nowhere. The tower didn’t have any door, so the witch made the baby grow like insanely long hair. Magic must have been involved in that, because usually hair can’t grow much past your butt. It just gets too heavy and can’t support its weight at that point, and gets pulled out of your scalp. Or at least that’s what Aya told me, and she has the longest hair out of anyone I’ve ever met.

What was I talking about? Oh, right.

So, when the witch wanted into the tower, she’d call out “Rapunzel, let down your hair!”, and Rapunzel would yeet her impossibly long hair out the window. Then the witch would grab it, and she’d haul it back in.

Rapunzel must have had amazing biceps.

Anyways, time passed, and Rapunzel turned 16, never having left the tower.

Actually, with nothing better to do, she must have spent a lot of time exercising, so she must have been the buffest 16-yr-old girl to ever live. I mean, there weren’t any libraries to visit, and you can only spend so much time painting before you run out of paint. The only hobby with no resource that can run out is exercising. Besides, she needed to get pretty thick neck muscles to hold up all that hair. It’s now my headcanon that Rapunzel was mega buff.

Back to the story, sorry. So one day a prince was wandering aimlessly around the forest and saw the tower. He rode up to it, and Rapunzel saw him. She must have been like “ohmygosh another human being!” and yeeted her hair out the window at him. The prince, not wanting to have a conversation via semaphore, grabbed hold and was hauled up. He saw her and instantly fell in love.

Rapunzel also instantly fell in love, but probably more because this was the first human she’d ever had a conversation with that wasn’t her kidnapper/mom.

The prince must have just been impressed with her abs.

Actually, why was the prince alone? I mean, if he were a prince, shouldn’t he have had a bodyguard or servants or something? Unless the king thought he was worthless and was hoping the prince would get lost forever.

Ok, new headcanon: Rapunzel was stupid buff, and the prince was a total twink. He found someone who was cool with him being the little spoon (I mean, this was the dark ages when non-masculine men could be burned at the stake by the church or something idk I’m not a historian but pretty sure), and he was in heaven.

Where was I?

Oh, right, so, the prince made it a habit of coming to see Rapunzel every day, but they had to keep it a secret from the witch because that woman had serious issues and didn’t want Rapunzel to speak to any other humans. I guess.

One day the inevitable happened, and the witch (why is it that there’s only one named person in this story?) came back to the tower when the prince was with Rapunzel. The witch totally freaked out about it, and pushed him out the window.

Admittedly, this is where my memory of the story gets a little fuzzy, so I’m just gonna make it up and hope it’s right.

I’m pretty sure the twink prince survived. He broke his neck or something, which was basically a death sentence. I mean, breaking your neck is never advised no matter what century you live in, but especially not the dark ages. And he had amnesia. Thankfully there was a random… I’m gonna say truffle hunter passing by, and found him. So the truffle hunter took the prince back to his cottage in the woods, and nursed the prince back to health.

But! Rapunzel didn’t know that! She just thought that the prince was totally dead. She was super sad about that, because now she was back to having no one to talk to all day. The witch was happy, but who cares about that psycho. Anyways, a couple months pass, and Rapunzel realizes she’s pregnant. Rather than tell the witch about it, she yeets herself out the window. I guess the witch must have started growing thorn bushes after the whole prince thing, because Rapunzel landed on a thorn bush and got her eyes scratched out.

Fairy tales used to be dark.

Anyways, the super buff preggers Rapunzel started wandering around the forest, and since she’s the heroine in a fairy tale all the animals helped her find food and stuff. Good thing it was summer, because if she’d jumped out the window in winter she would have been screwed. Altho, snow might have blocked the thorns. So she’s screwed either way.

Well, after a couple weeks of wandering around blind, the truffle hunter found her! He took her back home, where she met up with the prince! The prince, seeing his true love, immediately regained his memory! Together (with the help of the truffle hunter) they went back to the castle and the prince reclaimed his throne. The truffle hunter was knighted, and became Official Finder of Injured Teenagers in Forests. Rapunzel regained her sight, since eyeballs are pretty cool and can regenerate damaged tissue like nobody’s business. The witch was murdered by vikings, and Rapunzel’s parents were given all her property.

Then Rapunzel and the prince were married, and they lived happily ever after.