Whatever the fuck it was, the creature roared again and reached out a tendril for me. Fortunately, I’d just had my movement altered by way of the Skillbook, and my new Acrobat Skill saved me. Boy, did it save me good. Despite feeling as though I was losing my grip on the edge of the rock, I swiftly brought my legs up and slid over, boosting the rest of my body onto the monster’s little flat bill cap and narrowly avoiding becoming a hentai stereotype. However, the moment I was up and out of that danger, another one presented itself:

Gravity.

The tilted angle of the rock caused me to slide down the platform at falling speed, leaving me uselessly snatching at the smooth, flat stone and toward the other side. I slammed my bare feet against the surface and activated Enduring Perch, halting my momentum in a jerky motion that almost made me feel like my legs would snap in half. But they didn’t, and I held. I stood up, feeling the thrash of the ground beneath me as I wobbled with feet unmoving just at the other edge of the stone.

“Holy shit!” I roared, peering over the side to see nothing but sludge gunk and hard surfaces below. My Stamina was plummeting, but there was nothing I could do at the moment. I was helplessly subject to the whims of my unintentional captor, jiggling in place like one of those dashboard hula girls. I didn’t have long before Enduring Perch would fail, so I had to do something. But the intensity of my situation hadn’t diminished, and I couldn’t do anything but hope the monster suddenly decided it hated being above ground and crawled back into the earth.

I heard the thrum of a bowstring followed by the slick, piercing thwack of an arrow making contact with something fleshy. The creature beneath me must have been hit and was really fucking pissed about it because it began thrashing harder, jerking me around in my locked position. I heard another snap of an arrow’s release, and then the monster roared with its ear-splitting screech. This time, the movement was much less volatile, and the platform leveled out for a moment. So I took the opportunity to let go of Enduring Perch and bounded to the other side.

If I’m trapped upon this godforsaken shit heap, at least I’m going to enjoy the fucking view.

The stone was still mostly level as I reached the opposite end, and now I could see the cluster of my fellows taking action on the slope of black rock below. My breath caught in my throat at the sight.

Front and center were Frida and Merra. The blue-eyed warrior was brandishing the ax I’d seen lounging against the log a few hours ago, and the dwarf was striking out at tentacles with her sword. Merra dodged one swipe, bringing up her shield to block another before raking the blade of her weapon along a third tendril that made the mistake of getting near her. Frida stood in one spot, her feet locked in place as she chopped through two tentacles at once with a downward strike. The ax struck stone with the follow-through and rebounded with a pang. Still, Frida utilized the motion to strike overhead and rend off a piece of another appendage.

Behind them stood Jes and Dedyc. The elf was throwing his hands out in every direction like pistons, magical blasts firing out his palms with each motion and soaring beneath me, out of sight to presumably reap devastating damage to the monster’s body. Dedyc had removed his cloak, and finally, I could see that beneath it was an amalgam of belts and bandoliers crisscrossing his body like the straitjacket from the 1930s. He was surrounded by a halo of blue light as he chanted words I couldn’t hear. However, I noticed Frida’s body was enclosed by the same shimmering blue magic as his, forming a protective barrier. Her lack of movement made sense now that I could see this, as each time a tentacle got past her defenses, it clattered against the magical shield and bounced off.

Calden was farther back than the others, a bow in his hand as he relentlessly fired arrow after arrow at the monster. His movements were a blur as he smoothly pulled the shafts from the quiver at his hip and fired in an unending motion of assault. Not far from him was Virgil, who held an oversized crossbow in his hands, moving far slower than Calden as he aimed carefully before firing his bolts. Each of his hits seemed to ring true as the monster began to writhe again. That forced me to drop to my stomach and hold on to the edge.

“Got ‘im!” Virgil announced after each bolt struck, the first sign of amusement I’d seen on his tired face. Each hit was accompanied by his reloading of the weapon, siding another thick ouchie missile into place as he fired.

“Dedyc!” Merra shouted through the din, swirling her sword around in an arc to protect herself as a sneaky monster limb tried to pierce her defenses. “Stay on Frida! Jes, keep them coming! Let’s open up a hole wide enough for our Guardian to dole out some pain and anguish!”

No one responded to her, but I watched as their actions spoke volumes.

At first, it was a subtle shift, but Frida began taking the fight to the creature, with Dedyc mirroring her steps paces behind. Jes switched the direction of his magical scorched earth campaign so that the blasts flew directly forward. It was impressive to see their coordination in action, and I felt a pang of longing for that same sort of fellowship and friendship.

They’re in tune with each other—working together to achieve a goal. This is some Power Rangers shit!

I went through a few moments of the same cycle: activating Enduring Perch and releasing it when the ground leveled out---only to reactivate it when there was movement again. All the while, I was incapable of doing anything else except watch as the group pummeled whatever this thing was with their supply of gift-wrapped ass kicking.

I hadn’t spotted Stinky yet in the chaos, which weirdly had me concerned. Had he been killed? Had he run away? Neither prospect filled me with joy, and I had to admit I’d be pretty bummed whichever scenario came to pass. Chiefly, my worry was that if he was gone, there’d be nothing to keep the time dilation in check, and then we’d be double-dog porked.

I kept trying to spot specific instances of badassery in the fray, but the entire fiasco was such a chaotic blur that I had trouble juggling everything in my mind in a way that made sense.

I need to do something, I thought, feeling very pathetic as I clung to my life raft of temporarily created safety.

But what could I do? I was stuck abstaining from doing anything worthwhile while everyone else popped off sick, jazzy beatdowns on this beast. So I waited.

The group fanned out.

Merra took center stage now, acting as the gatekeeper to Jes and beating back the arms of the monsters that came too close. The elf, in turn, had changed from firing his barrage of spells to concentrating on some other magic, his eyes closed—which seemed very ill-advised—and chanting. Yellow light gathered beneath him as whatever he was working on grew in strength. Finally, he stopped his ritual and opened a palm before clenching it dramatically. When he did this, I saw a flash of light, and then a gigantic wall of flame sprang up from the black rock, creating a clear division between him and the monster.

Dedyc was still focused on Frida. The lizardman kept his magical shield active around her as she rushed forward, administering bone-breaking blows to the main section of the monster’s body. I noticed that smaller tendrils here reached out to grasp her, only to be rebuffed by the magic of Dedyc’s protection. Curiously, the larger tentacles did not go for the woman, but that didn’t seem to matter since her ax was having a hell of a time even breaking through the beast’s flesh. But it definitely wasn’t for lack of trying. Each chop from her weapon hit with the force of a hyper-swole lumberjack exacting revenge on a piece of firewood that had wronged him---despite not bursting through the monster's hide.

“Arghh!” Frida roared, her blows unending and unstoppable but ultimately useless. Dedyc paused his chant for a moment as there was a shout from Merra. She’d brought down her sword too late to stop one of the tendrils, and it had crashed against her hand with an audible crack, forcing her to drop the sword. Dedyc acted quickly, his hand flashing out to aid his companion, and more blue light enveloped her arm. When the light faded, she rolled out of the way of another tentacle and scooped up her sword in one clean motion, her hand now healed enough to swing it and sever the limb that had gone after her.

Virgil was no longer manning his crossbow and had left it lying on the rock as he quickly skirted around the edge of the battlefield with a level of athleticism that was incongruent with his apparent age. He dove over or dodged under the reaching snake limbs as he worked his way to the far side of the fight. One limb came down on him from above, and Virgil shot a raised fist up. I thought he had intended to fucking punch the tentacle, but instead, green circles ensnared it and dragged it to the ground. I had a sudden feeling of deja vu.

“Shit!” I said. “I know that move! Way to go, Virgil!”

Then I watched in horror as another tendril swung at him from behind.

“Watch out!” I shouted.

But it was useless. The appendage struck Virgil grievously, knocking him to the ground before wrapping itself around him and dragging his body into the air.

“Fuck this!” I shouted, ripping the haladie out of my waistband.

The platform was at nearly a ninety-degree angle. Still, even though it wasn't the prime moment to do so, I released Enduring Perch. I vaulted forward, landing on the edge of the rock and using it to quickly launch myself into the air. I spun twice as I brought the haladie with me into my momentum as I swung. My feet touched down on the edge again before releasing, and I activated Enduring Perch and let that fucker fly. My sudden halted motion, combined with the whip-like flow of my attack, sent the haladie spiraling away from me with the speed of a bullet train. Like a renegade helicopter blade, it arced through the air, flying directly toward Virgil’s tentacle prison. My aim was off.

But not by much.

The haladie sliced through the arm about ten feet lower than where I’d intended but still cut cleanly through, spinning wildly into the air as it continued on its journey. Virgil, still wrapped in tentacles, dropped, hitting the hard rock from a depth of about fifteen feet. He sprawled out as he connected but immediately began unraveling himself from the tangle. After a few seconds, he was back on the move.

“Nice shot!” Merra called, having witnessed my fantastic display of pure, panic-driven prosperity. I gave her a thumbs-up and turned to grab the lip of the stone and haul myself into a better position. I froze, looking down.

But down was up.

Somehow amid the baffling bedlam, I’d thought I’d attached myself to the lip of the platform with Enduring Perch. But I’d actually used my adhesive feet magic to accidentally stick right onto the underside.

“I’m not just Thor,” I breathed. “I’m also goddamned Spiderman!”

I marveled at the deep, cavernous ceiling high… below me and turned to look right into the blobby face of the Jell-o Jiggler monstrosity. Instead, I saw Stinky.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I demanded.

The matau had nearly reached where I was, tangling with one of the snakey appendages right at the root where noodle met body. His arms were locked tight around it. His feet were wedged firmly against the creature’s central mass, and his orientation made him appear completely horizontal.

“Tryin’ to fuckin’ kill this thing!” Stinky said through gritted teeth.

I could see his dagger in his hand. However, he wasn’t using it as his entire attention was focused solely on grappling the writhing tendril, which seemed quite complicated.

“Kill it?” I wondered. “By… arm wrestling it? Is this creature’s weakness being alpha dog’d or something?”

“Shut up, orc!”

Stinky jerked his head at the creature’s face.

“I’m tryin’ to get to its gods-damned eyes, but these fuckin’ stalks are terrorizing my climb!”

“Eyes, huh…” I said, looking back at the monster’s gigantic, bulbous peepers.

“Yes, gods damn you, orc!” Stinky spat. “It’s a Level Fifteen Cosmic Chaos Monstrosity! Its main weakness is—”

Stinky didn’t finish his sentence because the tendril he was grappling with lurched upward, slamming him against the rocky hat on top of the monster’s head. But I thought I got the gist. Aim for the eyes. Noted.

“Fuckin’ Groven, that hurt!” Stinky yelled, still clinging to the tentacle.

I heard a slicing whoosh and turned just in time to catch the haladie as it returned to me. I smiled and gave Stinky a wink before wheeling toward the colossal eye. I reared back with my double-bladed, upjumped steak knife, plunging it into the dark slit of the monster's pupil.

“Peekaboo!” I roared.

The blade sank in with almost no resistance, prompting a gush of dark, viscous fluid to spurt out, spraying all over me and into my open mouth.

“Awagh!” I screamed, spitting out as much of the foul-tasting putridity as I could.

In response to my mutilation, the Cosmic Chaos Monstrosity—or CCM I decided for short—released a painful peal of agony. I couldn’t tell if what I’d done had wounded it severely enough to be effective, but it one-hundred-percent did not enjoy it. I felt a tendril wrap around my torso as the beast tried to unstick me from my magical roost. Still, it apparently couldn’t defeat the power of my low-ranked Barbarian super stance. It still tried, though, its grip around me tightening to the point that I felt like my head was going to pop off like my third-grade class’ gerbil’s had. Don’t ask.

“Uggghhh!” I wheezed under the strain of the squeeze. I didn’t have many options available. My Enduring Perch was in the red now, and I’d have to release it or face whatever setbacks occurred from lingering too long. Plus, if I just stayed like this, the beast would absolutely turn me into a fine green paste.

I’m too sexy to go out like that! I am obligated to live fast and leave a pretty corpse!

I let go of my perch and felt the tentacle rip me up into the air, holding me aloft above its head while staring at me with the one eye that wasn’t currently belching out blood.

It screamed.

I was blasted by the force of the screech, hearing the pain and rage in its bellow. It shook me angrily, and I will admit—I puked a little. Then I spat out a mouthful of the remaining vomit and smirked down at it.

“You fool,” I shouted. “You’ve just given me the high groun—”

FWOOP!

The creature hurled me straight upward in its rage.

I sailed high, screaming bloody murder as the ground below me spiraled away at top speed. I wrenched my neck to view the landscape below me and was shocked by the imagery. Spoilers, it was shitty. In any direction I looked was jungle. A vast, sprawling, unending thicket of bullshit that stretched out as far as the eye could behold, occasionally broken up by hills and cliffs. Nowhere within my super scenic view was the end of the cavern, nor an exit.

I tried to shout the word, ‘fuck,’ but with my mouth full of wind and monster viscera, it didn’t happen.

As my climb reached its apex and I began to descend again, I had a strange moment of clarity. I was hundreds of feet in the air and likely plummeting back down to the earth below—and I… wasn’t scared. Was it the effects of adrenaline---or maybe falling more times in the last two days than a skydiver would in a week? I didn’t know. It was an odd sensation, but I was totally and utterly unbothered by the predicament.

As I fell, I calmly opened my menu to check on my Abilities. I’d used Zeol’s Falling Star a few hours ago—by my reckoning. But was that how this arbitrary-seeming system would classify it, considering I’d supposedly been hoodwinked out of five days? From my perspective, it had only been a short while, but if Stinky’s ability was the real deal, this would be the telling factor. I highlighted my Abilities and took a good, hard look at what was available.

Zeol's Falling Star

You can refuse the effects that gravity might deign upon you and instead mitigate some of the harm that might otherwise befall you. Chasms and caldera are nothing in the wake of this Aegis. Once per day, you can nullify 100% of the impact of force from falls at a depth of up to 100 meters. You may also transfer this Force Damage to an appropriate object within five seconds of impact--like slow-moving pedestrians or people taking too long at the ATM.

+2% Force Damage resistance

100% Force Damage resistance once per day

10% Force Damage transference once per day

Sure enough, it was available but unable to be activated at the moment.

Huh. Neat.

I knew I shouldn’t be able to let it loose until I was within one hundred meters—or at least, that’s what it seemed to indicate. Would it even work if I was falling at a greater distance? I guess I wouldn’t know until I tried. It seemed that more and more, I was finding that the specific wording of Abilities and Skills gave way to a fuckton of gray areas that—if I were a wiser person—I could use to my advantage more frequently. But I was a goddamn dipshit. As it stood, I was subject to the limitations of my own, extremely narrow, understanding.

I took a deep breath and waited as I drew closer. I could see the battle still raging below, and it was impressive how colorful and flashy it was. It was like bright, magical fireworks exploding in celebration as the multitude of different spells and Abilities crashed together far beneath me.

I was fucking blazing down, directly toward the gigantic CCM. I was hoping–but still largely unconcerned–that I could activate my Falling Star and do some damage. Then, I got an idea.

I pulled my pack off my shoulder and reached inside, fishing around until I grabbed onto a hard metal object. I pulled the Guardian’s Buckler out and smiled, double-checking it with Analysis.

Guardian’s Buckler

Rarity: Uncommon

Item Class: Shield

Durability: 500/500

Weight: .08 lbs.

Defense: +3%

Bonuses: Bashing +2%

A small, lightweight shield designed to be held in a user’s offhand. While simple in design, this particular item was forged with a conical design to assist the user in glancing off blows more easily. The Guardian's Buckler can also be used as a bashing weapon.

Yes! Precisely what I need! Sometimes, I swear I’m so fuckin’ brilliant I scare myself.

I gripped the buckler in my left hand and grasped onto the edges of my cloak with my right. I pinched the ends together around me, positioning myself like a torpedo with the shield facing forward.

Meat-missile mode… activated.

Then, when I was reasonably sure I was close enough, I activated Zeol’s Falling Star.

Or, at least… I tried to. Nothing happened.

Oh… fuck.

I whipped open my display and saw that the mask god's little obligation still wasn’t available for use. Instantly, all the confidence and calm I’d had a few moments ago crumbled like an apple dessert in my bedsheets. Frantic thoughts stormed my mind, and hysteria took over.

I drew closer. And closer. And closer. Nothing was happening, except my screams getting louder. Rather than Zeol’s Falling Star, now I was Loon’s Wildly Anxious Suicide Meteor, and soon to be ‘Dumbass Orc’s Hail Mary Collision Stain.’

“Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit!” I roared as the stone platform on the monster’s head sped up to meet me.