It took a few hours to get to the ravine where the others had found the body. Initially, I had reservations about traveling and losing several more days. Still, with Stinky’s apparent wunderkind Rainman time-keeping ability, he kept us in the loop on whether or not things were changing. Jes indicated that it was also possible we could cross into different ‘pockets’ inside this chamber that might have different rules in place, so Stinky had to be hyper-vigilant. Apparently, it was unlikely, but not unheard of.

My head swam. I didn’t understand even a fraction of what they’d been discussing, but as long as they came to a conclusion that led to us getting out of here, I would be perfectly fine with remaining ignorant as fuck.

Virgil—who’d been scouting slightly ahead—called out to let us know each stretch where we’d gotten closer to the crime scene. He’d been careful to stay within a specific range, lest he stumble outside of the bubble and be lost to us for a few decades. It was easier to do than I’d thought it would be, as Stinky and he had discussed what their particular ranges were in the experience—with Virgil gauging his nearby searches before and Stinky explaining at which point I seemed to disappear when I’d initially gone off.

Fortunately, the group seemed happy with the arrangement we had. With Stinky, not only were we protected from the ravages of the mean ole time-gremlins, or whatever, but also apparently the beasts of the chamber as well. Dedyc had mentioned that they’d encountered monsters with alarming regularity before but didn’t see any indication of them at all since Stinky and I had joined up. Jes believed this was because the monsters were also held in a similar time-gumbo.

That was chill with me. I still hadn’t gotten used to fighting for my life on the regular, so moving along without needing to check each cardinal direction every ten seconds was a fucking vacation. Instead of nervously wheeling on my six, I used the time during the march to examine some long-needed necessities in my personal repertoire.

Namely, the Skill book.

As the description indicated, it would only take eight minutes. But, what I wasn’t prepared for was how much it would god damn hurt. I’d flipped slowly through the pages, and when I’d reached the end, it felt like a bolt of lightning hit my brain and burrowed into my muscles. I’d shot backward about ten feet and landed in a patch of pokey thistles, which was… inconvenient. However, when I finally recovered, and my Stamina returned to normal, I found that my bodily movements were much defter. Almost like I’d been living my whole life submerged in molasses and suddenly got ripped out of it like Neo in the Matrix.

Congratulations! You have acquired a new Skill!

Gained Acrobat [ E-Rank Level 1 ]

I didn’t think I’d ever get comfortable with this process. It was too weird and uncomfortable. But, I couldn’t disagree with the results. I practiced doing cartwheels while we moved along—something I’d never been able to do before. Stinky kept yelling at me to stop acting like a fool, but I didn’t care: I was a gigantic, sexy gymnastics machine now, unbound by the rules of the society that would shun me. Really feelin’ myself, ya know?

In addition to high-speed miracle learnin,’ I figured I’d check out something that had been bothering me now since we got here.

I opened up my display and checked out my Quests. There were three under “Active” and zero under “Completed,” which, I have to say, did a number on my confidence.

Active Quests

[Bounty Quest] The Easy Part

[Faith Quest] Into The Dungeon

[Dungeon Quest] Keep It Secret…

I wasn’t sure if a trio was good to have less than two days into a dungeon—well, a week if you counted the time dilation—or if I was below average. I needed to check out my most recent entry because the gigantic avian asshole imp had definitely told me that I had fucked up.

[Dungeon Quest] Keep It Secret…

Pontivex sel Delibitaus has requested that you find Exotic Meat of a unique and untested creature and return it to him.

Exotic Meat cannot exist within the dungeon itself and must be procured outside it.

Reward(s): Experience. Renown. Coin.

Bonus: Secret Knowledge of the Forbidden Crypt of the Dreadnaught Lord (Conditional)

Additional Bonus Rewards Based On Conditions

NOTE: This is a Conditional Quest! As such, specific parameters must be met to fulfill it to completion. You will receive [1] Bonus Reward upon accepting the Quest.

Conditions:

Time Allotted: [6] Standard Months

Amount: [1] Portion.

Any amount over [1] will result in additional Rewards. Variety of Exotic Meat will result in additional Rewards.

Then I saw the change. Under the description of conditions, a separate badge glimmered like a red coat of arms. I selected it mentally, and a new display popped up.

Amendment History:

- Orc Loon [ Byname Unavailable ] has requested to alter terms.

- Hive Fiend Pontivex sel Delibitaus [ Cryptkeeper ] has opened discourse.

- Orc Loon [ Byname Unavailable ] requests additional rewards allotted prematurely.

- Hive Fiend Ponitvex sel Delibitaus [ Cryptkeeper ] altered Conditions to include [Racial Ability] Soul-Bound Servitude.

- Orc Loon [Byname Unavailable ] agrees to terms.

- Hive Fiend Pontivex sel Delibitaus [ Cryptkeeper ] agrees to terms.

[Amendment History Complete]

The fucking fuck?!

That double-crossing motherfucker had altered the Quest and didn’t tell me! Now I had to figure out if Soul-Bound Servitude was as bad as it sounded. Fortunately, there was a description:

[Racial Ability] Soul-Bound Servitude

This is an Ability that allows the user to create or alter a contract to include stipulations of servitude involving the essence of life. If an agreement is made, the user of this Ability can retain the use of the signatory's soul upon death or other criteria--either temporarily or permanently--depending on the nature of the contract.

You are currently under a Soul-Bound Servitude Contract.

Conditions: Failure to complete [Dungeon Quest] Keep It Secret… within the parameters or death.

Duration: Permanent.

Yep, it’s exactly what it sounds like. This place is bullshit!

I knew that it wasn’t worth worrying over at the moment since there was literally nothing I could do about it, but it still made me super angry. Calden must have seen my face change because he approached me with a big friendly smile.

“Blisters?” He asked casually.

“What?” I barked, my mood overtaking what had actually been a relatively pleasant and positive interaction with these new guys until now.

Calden just pointed at my feet.

“Blisters,” he said again. “From this abysmal hike? They are peppering every available surface of my usually newborn-soft skin. Considering you’re completely bare of foot, I can imagine you are getting the worst of it. Where are your boots, by the by? Did something eat them?”

“Uh,” I said, trying to think of a lie.

I couldn’t exactly admit that I’d arrived in this world without anything covering my tootsies and hadn’t had a chance to remedy that considering it was only… Well, it had been a few days now. Still, my misadventures hadn’t yet allowed me the novelty of footwear.

“I forgot them when I went to the bathroom,” I said.

Shit, he's not going to know what a bathroom is!

“Ah, yes,” Calden noted, as if he understood exactly what I meant. “Any time that I bathe, I am so overjoyed with the sensation that I leave many of my belongings behind. I have had to buy so many new pants that way.”

Calden and I chatted a little while we moved, and I found that my assessment of him was correct: he could fucking talk. In fact, I was pretty sure that if I hadn’t finally interrupted him, he would have continued going for hours. But I saw something strange and had to mention it.

“What are they doing?” I asked.

“—and honestly, it was not even the first time he had to chase me out of there with a pitchfor—I apologize, but what?” said Calden.

“The, uh, roe,” I said, pointing. “What are they up to?”

Calden’s gaze followed my indication and we both watched as the eggs—which had previously been sadly skulking along around the outside of our group—were now energetically trying to leapfrog over one another, but failing miserably. I stopped in my tracks to watch, seeing Calden do the same.

“Is this some sort of mating ritual?” Calden asked, leaning forward and squinting. “Should we look away and give them some privacy?”

“I’m not sure,” I said. “I don’t think so, but honestly… yea, I dunno..”

It was true, I really had no clue what egg sex consisted of, but if it was that, it seemed awfully inconvenient and stupid. They kept up at their exercise, taking turns trying to hop up and over the one in front of them and bouncing off gently. With each failure, it seemed as though they got more and more excited, with subsequent attempts showcasing an increasing fervor of enthusiasm.

“Does anyone know what these things are doing?” I called to the rest of the group. “It seems unwholesome.”

Stinky and Jes, who were in the middle of the pack, paused to observe, both immediately adopting sickened expressions. Merra, Dedyc, and Frida, who had been discussing something further ahead, also stopped.

“It looks as though they’re trying to reproduce,” Merra said. “But my, they’re bad at it.”

“Just leave ‘em to their fucking, orc,” Stinky said. “Who knows why monsters do what they do?”

“Yeah, I dunno,” I said. “This seems a little different than that.”

“How you figure?”

“Well, for one, they’re all doing it,” I said. “Wouldn’t they pair off if that were the case?”

“Some creatures copulate in groups,” Jes said. “It is not that unique to think these things would do likewise. What do we know about them?”

“Fuck all,” Stinky said. “Let ‘em have their fun. It’s no matter to me.”

“Like I said,” I breathed. “I think it’s something else.”

“What you think and what I care about don’t even share the same realm, orc.”

“Fuck you, Stinky.”

We continued for some time until Vigil finally gave us a shout indicating we were close to the ravine. I wasn’t sure what we’d find when we arrived, but I kept a hand on my haladie, just in case. I noticed that the trees in this area had gotten denser, and I had to assume it was because they were closer to a source of water. That, at least, sounded like something trees would do, but I was woefully equipped to contemplate biology in the old world, let alone in this new magical one. The path also had gotten noticeably more difficult to travel, with large roots jutting up from the dirt, making the trek slow going and tedious.

Finally, we reached where Virgil had stopped, right at the edge of where the earth itself dropped off. I peered over the side to see into the fissure in front of us. It was a ravine, alright, in the same way that Mastodon’s Crack the Skye was just some album. That was to say, it was an extreme understatement. What I was staring at was a massive crevice in the ground—fifty feet deep and just as wide. It stretched in either direction as far as I could see, snaking along into the deep jungle beyond. A stream ran through it like a trickle of blood through a vein, with a gentle flow to it that would have seemed pleasant if it wasn’t so… sickening. It was a peachy color, almost like melted sherbet, and the sloped ground near it was as black as space’s butthole.

“What the goddamn?” I said. “You made it sound like this was a ditch. This is like a ditch’s beefy grandpa.”

“It has grown,” Jes said with quiet horror.

“It what?” I asked.

“It is deeper than it was when we saw it a few…” Jes continued, trailing off.

“It’s been years, right?” I asked. “But I thought this shit only happened on that kind of scale over like… eons or whatever?”

“This must be a feature of the chamber,” Calden offered. “Deep rivulets in the earth to throw us off our prowess.”

“It would make sense if it was designed this way,” Merra said. “Mess with our minds a bit.”

“Et is workin,’” Frida said, stretching her neck out to look down. “Ye think Carmichael’s still doon there?”

“Only one way to find out,” Calden said. Then he bounded forward and leaped over the edge of the cliff.

“What the hell?!” I shouted, but no one seemed to react to his apparent suicide attempt with the same level of bewilderment I did.

“He’ll be fine,” Merra assured me, resting a hand on my leg. “Don’t worry about Calden. He's hard to kill.”

“A fact that has plagued us for a long while,” Jes muttered.

After a moment, we all heard a shout from far below and peered down to see Calden waving at us from the bottom of the fissure.

“Made it,” he called. “I think I have found our quarry, but it is highly suspect!”

“How so?” Dedyc called down.

“I fear my eloquence will not paint the appropriate picture,” Calden returned. “You may need to see for yourselves. There’s a precarious trail along the rock wall you can follow. I can see it from here.”

I sighed. I was a big boy, and if our last foray across tiny stone pathways was any preamble, I’d be having a hell of a time. I looked over at the eggs, which were still trying to do… whatever the fuck it was they were doing, and raised my hands to catch their attention.

“Don’t follow,” I said simply. “Be back soon. No fall.”

They blinked uncomprehendingly at me, so I just shrugged and turned back to the cliff’s edge. Then, I followed the others down.

I was wrong, though. Navigating the narrow rock slip down to the water was surprisingly easy for me. My footing was more confident than ever, even with the size of my bare feet, and it seemed like I was particularly well-suited to picking out good spots to grab hold of. I made it down in no time and was surprised to find that Calden was already waist-deep in the pastel sludge oozing through the channel. He was hunched over, his arms submerged in the muck up to his biceps as he shambled about.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I believe it was right around here…” Calden said, his face scrunched with concentration.

“He’s trying to locate the body,” Dedyc said.

“Here,” Jes said and placed one hand in the air and the other on his chest. “By fortitude of will, I summon the light of Paragon Altrius, that I may find what is sought.”

A golden glow began to pulse from Jes’ outstretched hand before radiating out in a bright halo of magical light. I took a step back, worried something might explode. The glow left his hand and floated through the air, slowly traveling along the contour of the sludge river before stopping about thirty feet down from where we were. Then, the light grew brighter, sputtering like a sparkler above a point above the liquid.

“There,” Jes said to Calden, and the blond man sloshed away toward the hovering magical lantern.

“A finding spell?” I asked.

“Yes, in a sense,” Jes said. “Something I picked up from a Cleric of The Traveler.”

He tapped his chest where he’d been clutching a moment ago. I could now see a very conspicuous lump beneath the fabric.

“It’s an Amulet of Location,” he said.

“Why the hell couldn’t you just use that to find the way out of here?”

“It only works on objects of individuals I have seen before,” he said. “I would be unable to use it to find an exit that I have not laid witness to, lo though the convenience that would provide.”

“Shit,” I said.

“You can say that ‘gain,” Frida said.

Calden finally reached the spot beneath the glowing beacon. This time, instead of just reaching down, he plunged beneath the disgusting flow of gunk and disappeared below the surface. A few seconds later, he emerged, sputtering and covered in the thick and oily material of the river.

“Got it,” he announced and began moving toward the bank. The rest of us moved to meet him, picking our route carefully to not fall in as well. I wasn’t sure what that stuff was, but I didn’t want to get it on me, even if it was dick-growing juice.

Calden emerged from the river as we reached him, dragging a shape along. It was a huge, pale skeleton that likely belonged to someone even bigger than Dedyc. Sure enough, as Calden shored it on the black rock of the bank, I could see that it was missing one of its arms.

“Jesus fuck,” I breathed. “What the hell kind of creature was Carmichael? A giant?”

I’d almost asked if giants existed in their world but caught myself and very smoothly and professionally avoided the pitfall.

“Are there giants here…? Uh… I mean, well… Giants. Giants, uh, here… Here. In… uh, well… In this… dungeon?”

Nailed it.

No one seemed to be paying attention to me because they were wrapped up in the fuck-off large skelly-boy being eased out of the river. All except Frida, who gave me a curious look.

“No…” she said hesitantly. “Carmichael wasn’t a giant. ‘E was an ulgaroch.”

“Oh…” I said, trying to sound like I knew precisely what that was.

“...they’re big, sinewy blokes with massive pates an’ those long arms.”

That sounds like fucking Slenderman.

I looked at the skeleton again.

Yep. Slenderman.

“Thanks,” I said sheepishly.

“No’ a problem,” Frida said. “Ye seem a bit out’ yoor element in some regard.”

“Yeah, I, uh… never was much for learning about the world until recently.”

“Thas’ a’right,” Friday said with a smile. “Get a few more adventures under ye belt, an’ ye’ll be right up.”

“This is really kind of my first adventure,” I said.

“Oh, donnae worry ‘bout that,” she continued. “E’ry’un goes pro their second time.”

She gave me a wink.

Ah, shit, I thought to myself. That was really smooth. I better not fall in love with her.

The last thing any woman needed was a big, ugly dipshit catching feelings and following them around like a lost puppy. Even worse was a big, ugly, dipshit monster crushing on them. I was aware of my limits enough to know that she was just being friendly. I wasn’t going to allow myself to consider it anything but that to avoid the eventual awkward interaction later.

She is very striking, though…

I shook my head.

Nope, get it together, numbnuts. There’s a fucking eldritch horror skeleton five feet away from you. This is not the time for unrequited romance.

Instead, as everyone gathered around the cosmic analyst formerly known as Carmichael, I switched tactics to distract myself.

“I thought you said you found it before?” I asked Calden incredulously.

“Why the hell did we run down here if you didn’t even know where it was?”

Calden, drenched with oily residue from the Willy Wonka stream, stared up at me with embarrassment.

“Oh, yes,” he said. “I was mistaken.”

“What did you actually stumble onto?” I asked.

“It was nothing…” he said unconvincingly.

I just stared at him, hoping my newfound superpower of “let them squirm in silence” would take effect. It did. After a moment, Calden shrugged.

“It was a rock.”

“A rock?”

“A serendipitously corpse-shaped rock,” Calden continued. “An easy misunderstanding to fall upon.”

I smiled.

“No biggie,” I said. “One time, I threw a shoe at a chair that I thought was a dog.”

Now it was Calden’s turn to stare.

“It was dark!” I protested.

“I was under the clear impression that orcs could see in the dark,” said Calden.

“It was really dark,” I said.

“Ah.”

“Can I request a bit of silence?” Jes asked sternly.

“Yes, we’ve a body to ransack,” Merra said with a smile.

“We are not desecrating Carmichael’s skeleton,” Jes said. “We are merely—”

“Oh, I’m only teasing, Jes,” Merra said. “Injecting a bit of levity into this gruesome business.”

“Honestly, Merra,” Jes sighed. “Sometimes, you are as incorrigible as Calden.”

“She cannot help it,” Calden said. “My charming allure tends to wick away and supplant those who spend time with me.”

“Yes,” Merra agreed, her grin spreading wide. “I learned it from watching how well your behavior manifests so positively.”

“There you have it,” Calden said. “Merra has confirmed that my methods are a force for good.”

“Will you please allow me a moment of respite from the lackadaisical manner in which you conduct yourselves? I am attempting to learn what I can from Carmichael’s remains so that we might have a chance to escape from here.”

Calden dropped his head as if attempting to submit himself, then adopted an accent I’d have described as “nervous peasant.”

“Yes, m’lord,” he said, doubling over in a bow. “Does this genuflection suffice as to m’unascended station? I can go lower, m’lord. If it pleases.”

Jes groaned but didn’t say anything further, choosing instead to turn back to the skeleton and produce a small bottle from his robes. He unstoppered it and dribbled a few drops onto the bones before prodding the spot with a finger. Then the emaciated elf withdrew his digit and rubbed the residue between the finger and his thumb.

“Deteriorating at a typical rate,” he said as if only to himself. He smelled the residue and closed his eyes.

“Dedyc,” he said, his eyes still tightly shut.

“Jes?” Dedyc hissed.

“I am having difficulty identifying this scent,” Jes continued. “What can you tell me?”

The large lizardy creature approached the skeleton and leaned forward, taking a big whiff over the spot where the liquid had stained the bones.

“Ganflower,” he said confidently.

“Ganflower…” Jes repeated quietly, thinking. “Odd, don’t you think?”

“Very,” Dedyc said, standing back up to his full height.

“Why would a substance like that reside in his bones?” Jes asked absently.

“What’s ganflower?” I asked. Immediately after voicing it, I got the sense that I was intruding too much on territory that was so far outside of my realm, I’d look stupid for even speaking. Instead of getting reprimanded, however, Jes turned to me.

“It is an ingredient typically used in crafting potent healing tinctures and potions.”

“Oh,” I said. “Why is that weird, though? Couldn’t Carmichael have just used a healing potion on himself after whatever killed him had attacked? Maybe he was trying to save himself?”

Stinky cleared his throat, spat, and then wheeled on me.

“Healing potions don’t work that way, you lump,” he said. “They don’t infect the bones.”

“Now, now,” Calden interjected. “Our wonderful orc companion is simply attempting to broaden his understanding and education as to the subtle nuances of the world. We cannot disparage him for that, can we?”

“Yeah, Stinky,” I said. “I’m trying to learn about stuff, asshole. Don’t stifle my scholarly spirit.”

“If there’s a scholastic bone anywhere in your twisted body, orc, I’ll eat my damn boots.”

“How ‘bout you eat my fist?” I shot back.

“Please,” Jes exclaimed. “I am attempting to work. These frequent interruptions slow the process.”

“Yeah, Stinky,” I said. “Curb your dickish tendencies for five minutes so Jes can solve this mystery.”

“I am going to enjoy slitting your throat... orc,” Stinky said, emphasizing the last word so that I knew he meant it as an insult.

“Good luck, Shaky-hands,” I said. “Hopefully, that happens in direct sunlight, so you don’t piss your pants. We both know how hard it is for you to concentrate when the lights go out.”

“Enough!” Jes thundered, standing up and wielding a finger at us like it was a magic wand. “If you two must bicker, do it somewhere out of earshot. This issue is irritatingly complex enough without having to manage childish outbursts.”

Both Stinky and I were silent for a moment. I had to admit, seeing Jes lose his temper on us was uncomfortable after the rapport I’d steadily built with the group. However, his commanding tone was far too close to sounding like someone who thought of themselves as an authority figure, which had the predictable effect of releasing my adversarial streak. Before I knew it, I was striking back.

“Wow, okay, dad,” I said. “I didn’t realize you were the motherfucker in charge around here, and we had to sit silent like good little boys so you could conduct your super important, groundbreaking research. Seems to me like you’re not very good at science if you can’t even handle a little background noise.”

Jes stared at me as though I’d slapped him. He didn’t say anything, but his face was full of surprise and another very recognizable emotion: anger.

“That’s what I thought,” I huffed. “We’re hashing out our differences with healthy banter. I didn’t even mention Stinky’s bigotted comments—which shows maturity and growth, by the way. Maybe instead of—”

I didn’t get to finish as Jes slashed his hand in front of him, and I was suddenly forced backward through the air, surrounded by an aura of glittering blue energy. I landed hard on my back, my head slamming against the ground. There was a flash of light combined with an acute stabbing brain pain. Stars appeared in my vision as I lay, unable to do anything but groan.

Condition: Dazed

You are dazed. Thoughts and movement will be temporarily stilted.

For fuck’s sake!

I waited for the condition to fade, which only took about thirty seconds, and then slowly got to my feet. My head hurt something fierce, but I could finally stand upright and get my bearings. I found, to my surprise, that I’d been launched a good fifty feet from where I’d been and saw that Jes had returned to inspect the skeleton with Dedyc. Merra was conversing with Stinky and Virgil about something, all three looking utterly unaffected by what had transpired. Calden and Frida were near me, with the man smiling sheepishly. Frida’s face was impassive, but I could tell from her sweeping gaze that she was assessing me for any damage.

“Ye good?” The martial woman asked, her piercing blue eyes lingering on my own. “Still got yoor sense? Yoor pluck?”

I winced.

“Man, that fuckin’ hurt,” I said.

“Apologies, friend,” Calden said. “Jes can be a bit… dogged in his pursuit of higher truth. He does not bear the same particular brand of jocular tomfoolery you’ve come to expect from my merry disposition.”

“Yeah,” I breathed. “Noted. He’s got a zero-horseplay policy. Good to know.”

“Let me see yoor head,” Frida said, stepping around behind me. “Lean down?”

I nodded and slid into a crouch so that the shorter woman could take a gander at my head wound.

“Tell me the truth,” I said as she examined me. “How long do I have left to live?”

Both Calden and Frida chuckled.

“Well, at the very least, your humor is not broken,” Calden said. “Though, I would advise restraint in future interactions with Jesimir. As unyieldingly amusing as I found your comments, he is quite prickly in these matters. I am always of a mind to pull my punches should I press him too aggressively.”

“He could have killed me,” I said. “Head trauma like that is no joke. That’s how Bob Saget died!”

“Who?” Calden asked.

“No one—listen, I know I probably overstepped there. It’s a trait I’ve exercised enough to win a gold medal in powerlifting. But that was a bit of an extreme reaction.”

“I am sorry, but I don’t understand what you’re referring to,” Calden said.

“Frida, is his brain trickling out of the back of his skull?”

“No,” she said serenely. “No’ even a gash. ‘Think ‘e’ll be fine, as et is. Bit of a bop, is all.”

“So, neither of you think he acted poorly?” I asked.

“He was perhaps a bit… passionate in his reprisal, but I believe you ended up the better in the encounter.”

“Passionate?” I asked. “The dude chucked me across the fucking riverbank like a… thing you throw far.”

“Concise,” Calden explained. “Your elocution seems to be in top order, friend.”

“Golf ball” I exclaimed. “He sent me flying like a golf ball.”

“Of course,” Calden said, breezing over my statement. “Whatever you say.”

Frida stopped the exam and turned to look at me pointedly.

“Take et from me, Loon,” she said. “Ye’ll wan’ te get yeself a helmet. Bouts like that ‘un’ll catch up with ye ‘fore long. Ye’ll be glad ye did.”

“Yeah, I had one…” I started, seeing Stinky still had Berk’s dome protector on his own yellow cranium. “But, I was using it for other stuff.”

“Helmets are foor heads,” Frida said. “No’ ‘other stuff.’ Ye ken?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said. “It didn’t exactly seem like it would fit my general vibe. Plus, it’s tough to find things like that in my size.”

“You need to acquire more magical raiments,” Calden said. “Many are designed to adjust to the wearer’s particular measurements.”

“Good to know,” I said. “Anyone got any super sweet mystical jewelry I can have?”

Both of them shook their heads.

“Guess I’ll just have to wait it out ‘til we get out of here, and I can pop on over to Walmart.”

The three of us walked back to join the rest of the group, who each shared goofy grins with me. Clearly, that hadn’t been an unusual—or even unexpected—maneuver on Jes’ part. The skinny elf didn’t look up as I approached but called out to me, his attention still fixed on the skeleton.

“My apologies, Loon,” he said. “I let my temper get the best of me. I will endeavor to ensure that does not happen again.”

I wanted to tell him to eat shit, but instead, I chuckled, forcing a grin.

“Ah, no worries,” I said. “It had been a while since someone had given me the ole heave-ho. I was starting to miss it.”

Jes had produced a set of gigantic pincher-looking things, making measurements with them, sizing up different bones, and comparing them to others. He was fully immersed in his work, so I turned to Dedyc.

“So, I think we were talking about gemflower or something?”

“Ganflower,” Dedyc corrected.

“That’s the one,” I said. “Anyway, will someone—other than Stinky—explain why it couldn’t be a health potion?”

Dedyc smiled up at me.

“Yes,” he hissed. “Health potions are magical. Once the ingredients are active, they aren’t ingredients anymore.”

“So, they dissolve, kind of?” I asked.

“Yes and no,” Dedyc continued. “They transform once they interact and become arcana.”

“Arcana does not bear physical properties,” Calden further explained. “At least in so much that it could be sorted out or separated. That is, of course, from my limited understanding.”

“Yes,” Dedyc said with a nod. “Very good, Calden. Very wise. A health potion wouldn’t leave behind ingredients.”

“Alright,” I said. “So once they are all mixed up in their voodoo cocktail, they just turn into magic? Good to know.”

“You get it,” Dedyc announced proudly.

“So, I guess maybe I’m simple or something…” I said.

“That goes without fuckin’ saying,” Stinky said, but I ignored him.

“But is ganflower only found in stuff like that? It’s gotta come from somewhere, right? Like a plant or a monster? Maybe something swallowed him, digested his flesh, and spit him back out? This is a shot in the dark, but it could have had that ingredient in its stomach?”

“Unlikely,” Jes said finally, still not looking up. “There is no evidence of Carmichael’s skeleton suffering trauma of that magnitude. The size of most creatures in this chamber have, at times, been large. But nothing so big as to be able to consume a fully-grown ulgaroch without breaking him down with their teeth first.”

“Could be something you haven’t encountered yet?” I offered.

Jes nodded sagely but continued to burst my bubble.

“It is possible. However, even if there were a monster large enough to swallow him whole, there would be clear signs of damage to the exterior integrity of the bone. Dissolution and damage caused by the acids, for one. None of that is present in what I am currently observing.”

“What are you observing?” Calden asked. “I am quite hesitant to speak up, given your recent penchant for utilizing Rebuff on your traveling ilk, but I feel we are all curious to know what you have learned so far.”

Jes nodded again.

“Yes, that is fine. To be perfectly frank, I am a bit flummoxed by Carmichael’s skeletal state. There are no signs of traumatic injury or anything else that might indicate a violent physical death. So too am I finding with evidence of a magical catalyst. That would be easier to discern for my specialty, but attestation of that is absent as well. I would postulate that he simply expired for natural reasons, but there is the perplexing issue with the ganflower.”

“So, what other options are there?” I asked, moving closer to Carmichael’s bones.

“That answer is growing much smaller as I continue to digest the information,” Jes explained. “I have been quite thorough and find myself at an impasse.”

“Well, shit,” I said. “It’s a dead-end then?”

“I hope that is not the case,” Jes explained. “With a little more time, I could potentially unearth further information. But I believe it would be in my best interest to take a break and return to this after a short rest and much-needed nourishment.”

“So, just to be clear,” I began. “If we can’t glean anything from Mr. Bones over here, we are going to have to find some other clue to get out?”

“Let us hope it does not come to that,” Calden said. “Jes is quite the researcher—as he’s keen to point out—I believe he will come to a conclusion that hoists us from this dreadful predicament and sets us back on a path of glory.”

Jes stood and grunted noncommittally before moving away from the skeleton. Dedyc followed, and the others joined the elf a short walk away. Merra removed her pack and began doling out food; while Calden produced a bottle the group began sharing.

I spent another few minutes looking at the skeleton. Poking it, prodding it, and imagining what it must have looked like with its skin on. However, I couldn’t stop envisioning a pale, creepy specter in a black suit looming from the trees. It gave me the heeby-jeebies. So far, being largely useless, I decided to execute ole reliable from my arsenal of barely-relevant traits. Analysis had come in fairly clutch so far, even, at times, giving me helpful insight into the nature of things themselves. But, I had only ever used it on items. I wasn’t sure if the bones of a previously living creature would even be identifiable with the Ability, but that wasn’t going to stop me from trying.

So I activated it. To my supreme surprise, it worked, but the contents were confusing.

Trapped Simulacrum

Rarity: ???

Item Class: ???

Durability: ???

Weight: ???

Bonuses: ???

A simulacrum that has been trapped to create an effect when true nature is discovered.

I frowned, then turned to the group a little ways away.

“Hey,” I called. “...what’s a ‘trapped simulacrum?’”

The entire group regarded me, but it was Jes whose expression terrified me. His eyes were wide, and he jumped to his feet, his hand outstretched.

“Loon!” He shouted. “Get away from—”

KA-BOOM!

The earth beneath my feet exploded around me, and I was thrust upward with the force of an igniting rocket. I fell forward from the inertia pressing against me and landed on the… ground? That couldn’t have been right. I opened my eyes and saw that I was, indeed, pressed with my belly to the cold, black rock of the riverbank, but something was off. While the earth immediately around me was still there, I was clearly high up in the air. It seemed to be some kind of platform, and with the shuddering and quaking beneath me, it was as though I was surfing. I grasped onto the edge of the rock as it swayed at a downward angle, and my entire body slid, forcing me off the side as I clutched desperately for dear life.

I was at least fifty feet from the rest of the ground and the river of sludge moving beneath me. Still, a-ways off, I could see the others, clamoring to act. But it wasn’t the most prevalent thing in my field of vision. No, what I was focused on was much, much worse. Beneath the shelf of rock I was only just holding on to was a massive creature, wearing the platform like a stupid hat. It looked like it was part fish, past Slimer from the old Ghostbusters cartoon: an amorphous, quivering mass of scaly skin and two bulbous eyes. Then, I noticed something else.

“Fuck!” I screamed.

A dozen gigantic, silvery tentacles writhed from the monster’s sides, lashing out into the air around it as the beast released a tremendous roar that deafened me. I was staring straight at the biggest, ugliest danger I’d yet faced, and I was going to have to do so while dangling from my fingertips over a fifty-foot stretch.

“This suuuuuuuucks!” I roared.