Once Pontivex had made his dramatic exit, three things happened at once.

First and most prominent, both archways in the chamber flashed, and I stared in awe as a dazzling platform of light shot between them, forming the contours of a bridge. Next, the timer began counting down, causing my anxiety to spike. But also, the clusters of hive-like structures hanging from the rocks above began to undulate.

“Stinky!” I yelled, turning to my armored companion.

“We’ve got an issue!”

“I’m not blind, orc!” Stinky exclaimed. “I can see a lot of fuckin’ issues turning their eyes on us!”

I glanced up at the hive and saw now that shapes were emerging from within. A lot of shapes. I shot a glance back to Stinky and then to the platform a ways off with the possessed roe.

“We have to get the eggs!” I shouted.

“What?!”

“We have to bring the fucking eggs with us! That big ole butthole, Pontivex, said everyone who entered with us needed to make it to the other side without being killed!”

“Oh, godsdamn fuckin’ hell,” Stinky said. “How in Yrsk are we going to do that?”

“I dunno. Are you able to–”

SHOOM! SHOOM! SHOOM!

I was cut off mid-sentence as nearly a dozen figures reached the karst--doing so quick as absolute shit. They were large insectoid-like creatures with six legs and gigantic, fractal-looking eyes all over their heads. The heads themselves were puny in comparison to the beasts’ bodies, but that didn’t seem to affect their brainpower. The creatures were organized, zipping around in intricate patterns and buzzing furiously.

“Fuck!” I shouted, jerking Stinky to the side as one of the big nasty hornet skanks dive-bombed toward us.

Stinky’s dagger was out, reminding me that I also needed to be armed if I didn’t want to die immediately, so I ripped the haladie from my waistband.

“Listen!” I hissed. “We need to move. We won’t make it beyond this chamber if we don’t bring those eggs with us! Can you hold them off?”

“Hold them off?!” Stinky shouted. But before I could respond, we were forced to separate as another one of the creatures took the opportunity to fly at us, and we dove in different directions. It had coasted by Stinky much closer than it had me and I saw the matau quickly drag his blade across its carapace as it passed. It didn’t look like it did much, and Stinky scowled as it jerked upward, back into the air, more of the creatures converging on our location.

“What are they?!” I demanded.

“Dread Cuckoo Brood,” Stinky said. “Level two integrated hive swarm!”

“Who the fuck names these things?!”

“Not the time, orc! Not the fuckin’ time!”

There were now around twenty of the things swarming above us, and we had to dodge a few more strikes as they sent out their warning party. Stinky had Berk’s helmet on his head, still, so I wasn’t able to use my magnificent punch maneuver, but I was planning on a different tactic.

“Can you hold them off or not?!”

Stinky narrowly avoided a head-on collision with one of the cuckoos before jamming his blade into one of its bulbous eyes. The beast let out a terrible peal of pain and zipped away. It shuddered as it reached the edge of the platform and just dropped out of the air, plunging over the side and into the lava below.

“Does that answer your question for you?!” Stinky demanded.

“Absolutely not!” I called back, already making my way to the other side of the karst, where I’d spotted a rocky ramp leading down to the web of stone walkways. “You haven’t really been that impressive so far! Aren’t you like, a way higher level than these things?”

Stinky spit.

“Yes!”

“Then what the fuck? Why aren’t you better? You should be wiping these things out like they’re made of wet tissue!”

“I’m not using my gods-damned specialization!” Stinky said.

“Why the fuck not!?”

“Quit gumming at me! Get to the fuckin’ roe so we can get out of here, you twat hair!”

I looked over the edge of the karst’s ramp. I’d need to move quickly, but if those things caught me, I’d be fucked. An ample, open space was one thing, but it would be much tighter trying to avoid them while crossing those precarious bridges. I turned back to Stinky.

“Are you gonna use the thing we talked about?! I need a distraction. We both do!”

Stinky gave me a look of pure contempt.

“Yes! I’m trying to clear a damned path first!”

“Do it now!” I shouted. “There’s no time!”

Stinky let out a howl of anger, but I didn’t stick around to see whether or not he was going to follow through. Instead, I looked back over the edge at the ramp and jumped.

“Oof!”

I hit the ramp awkwardly and collapsed forward, blasting my chest against the rock. I had a flash of pure panic as I felt myself tumble towards the edge of the path and flung my arms out to grasp onto anything to keep from falling to my death. Fortunately, I was able to catch myself staring over the side at the lava far below and hurriedly got to my feet.

“Jesus,” I said, dusting myself off. “I need to like, become more nimble. That was stupid.”

I looked above me.

At least nobody saw that.

I turned my attention to my new target–the eggs. I beat a path down the ramp and slid to a stop in front of the network of crisscrossing walkways, trying desperately to discern which one would lead me to the right platform. I quickly traced the one I spotted nearest to where I’d last seen the roe and followed it down to where it met two other bridges, and knowing I did not have a lot of time, fucking went for it. I stepped onto the bridge and quickly shuffled along, making my way to the confluence. A few paces away from the crossroads, I noticed a very distinct buzzing zooming up from behind me.

I didn’t even look. I leaped forward, spanning the remaining distance, and landed on my stomach, hugging the ground as I felt the wind of passage overhead. I finally looked up and saw two… dread cuckoo brood… whirling around to come after me.

Shit!

I hopped up and bared my haladie before remembering I had some additional traits I hadn’t considered. I’d gained some new shit from my level-ups but hadn’t had a chance to scour them, and, while now wasn’t exactly opportune, I needed to be smart about how to pursue this next part. Taking a risk, I waited until the hornet monsters were right up on me and then fell sideways, throwing my hand out for balance. Fortunately, this area was much broader than the bridges themselves, and I had more room for silly shit and shenanigans. As they buzzed past me once more, I opened my menu to get a good and proper gander at my new slick baddie patrol.

Vengeful Aura - When resonance is established between an orc’s race and the originating Class of Barbarian, Vengeful Aura is born. For [Rage + Intimidate quotient] number of charges per day, an orc Barbarian can emit a wave of intimidating presence that has a chance to inflict the Frightened condition on targets within a radius. The outcome for efficiency is Intimidate + Vengeful Aura. The radius area is based on Intimidate + Charisma quotient.

Number of Daily Charges: [2]

Radius: [2 ft.]

Note: This is an Ability exclusive to the orc + Barbarian path.

Enduring Perch - A Barbarian takes a readied stance that they cannot be moved from while their Stamina lasts. For the extent, their feet become rooted to their position, and while they can be hurt or killed, their feet cannot be wrested from where they plant them. The surface they root themselves to must be ground or floor-aligned. Stamina exhausts at a rate of 10 points per second. Stamina must be at a minimum of fifty percent to activate Enduring Perch. If Stamina is exhausted during use, the user will suffer the Off-Balanced condition and be unable to activate again until Stamina is at maximum.

Oh, dang.

Vengeful Aura would be potentially useful if I could get my Charisma higher, but what the hell would two feet of effect be able to do for me right now? If something was up in my grill, my options were probably very limited, and I didn’t think busting out a mean-mug would be pertinent. It would also likely get me killed if I tried to rely on it in such a critical moment, but I could potentially utilize Enduring Perch.

There was no time to debate, as the hornets were turning around again in tandem to try and make the third time their charm. I took a breath, widened my stance, and felt the nearly-subconscious sensation of activating my Abilities as I allowed Enduring Perch to take hold of my body. Warmth and a feeling of power spread through my hips, thighs, and legs before moving to my feet. I suddenly felt as though the ground beneath me were almost a part of me, as whatever witchery controlling this aspect of the world set in like quick-acting concrete.

CRUNCH!

The creatures hit me hard, but not as hard as I would have expected. I quickly concluded that barreling into things wasn’t in their long-term plans, especially considering both beasts tried to lift me into the fucking air.

So, they swoop and grab. Good to know.

“No thank you,” I hissed as the two insects tried to unsuccessfully rip me from my position. My feet were basically fused to the ground, and that felt wonderful. The big, bad beetleborgs were as disgusting as they were unrelenting, driving into me with all the power their oddly unweighty bodies could muster. They stunk to high hell, and there was a viscous liquid dripping from their mouths and limbs that made me want to puke.

Then, I did puke. Right onto the dread cuckoos.

God damn, I gotta stop doing that! I don’t want vomit to become what I’m known for!

The wasp monstrosities seemed to love this new introduction to the fray and began greedily lapping up my purge, which almost made me heave again. The noises they made were some of the grossest sounds I’d ever heard in my life and would surely haunt the halls of my nightmares for years to come. I needed to end this.

They hadn’t stopped tugging on me, so I let them continue, keeping a careful eye on my Stamina as they did. About half of it remained, and I didn’t want to fall into the danger zone and suddenly find out what Off-Balanced meant in the heat of the moment. So, I lifted the haladie and slid it cleanly into an eye a-piece.

This, it turned out, was a huge mistake.

I’d assumed they’d just careen away and collapse like the one Stinky had handled, but they didn’t do that at all. Instead, they both began to feverishly bore into one another, the cries of pain they’d been making replaced by more of the sickly slurps. They began to press hard into me, and then I felt a sharp stab as I noticed one of them using a long, tendril tongue to lap up some of the blood that had gotten on my arm.

“I said no thank you!” I shouted, stuffing the haladie between my teeth. Then I grabbed each of their spongey, eye-peppered heads and rammed them against one another. My Stamina was beginning to get too low for my personal comfort, so I dropped Enduring Perch, continuing to bash the broods’ skulls together like a cymbal player in an orchestra. But, of course, I’d grossly overestimated my ability to fend these things off on my own, and suddenly, I was in the air.

“Shit-goddamn--fuck!” I cried as the two mercilessly-feasting burbling turd creatures rose up, carrying me with them easily. Sharp pincers dug into my back and sides, and I became very fucking concerned that I was now going to be trapped. The worst part was that the creatures were now disoriented by my attack and their own gobbling of one another. This meant that if they suddenly went into overdrive failure, I would be dragged along with them to whatever final destination their collapsing trajectory took them.

I couldn’t imagine my predicament possibly going worse. So, of course, it did. Hard.

As we moved up, I suddenly caught a glimpse of the light bridge between the arches and noticed a familiar sight. Stinky. He was moving at a sprint, with dozens of the cuckoos right behind him. He looked surprisingly calm, despite his predicament. Then, to my complete and total horror, I watched as the cuckoos caught up to him. They surrounded the matau in an obscuring veil of wings and legs, spinning around the spot he’d been in with the turbulence of a living tornado. Then the cluster moved into the air.

Suddenly, they dispersed, and I felt my stomach grow cold as I realized that there was no trace left of my annoying-as-fuck dungeon companion. They’d consumed him.

“Argggh!” I screamed, both in desperation and fear.

This better have worked.

If Stinky was gone, then I’d failed the challenge, and that meant death. I looked at the display in the corner of my vision, indicating my allotted time.

Challenge One [Active]

Duration Remaining: 7m 6s

Number of Successful Dungeoneers: 1 / 8

I watched as the timer clicked down to seven minutes and five seconds. Seven minutes and four. It still said the challenge was active. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I watched as the chaotic cacophony of unabridged insectoid dipshittery began anew, the dread cuckoo brood seemingly agitated. I had a feeling I knew why but hadn’t seen enough evidence that my theory was correct. I peered over at the karst but couldn’t see anyone else there at first. Then there was something akin to a dissolution of air, and Stinky appeared. He was completely unharmed, and the best part was, there were no nearby insectoids. Save for one.

Well, for a moment, there was one. Stinky leaped at the creature, which was still unaware of his presence, and jammed his dagger right into its head. Then he dragged the cuckoo to the ground, stabbing it over and over again in a very violent display of man-versus-nature. Well, matau-versus-monster, I suppose.

“He'yeah!” I shouted through gritted teeth, my haladie still in my mouth. Stinky’s head snapped in my direction angrily.

“What the fuck are you doing, orc?!”

“F'ying!” I called back, unable to hide the obvious agony I was in. “I'h d'moofest way to trav–AGH!”

One of the brood had died, its brother still chomping on its corpse, dead weight now pulling on the barbs in my side. They were tangled, so the other insect couldn’t dislodge even if it had wanted to–which it was apparent that it did not. We were now losing altitude, which would be exacerbated once the other one passed over into bug hell.

You have killed [1] Level 2 Dread Cuckoo Brood!

Gained 512 Experience.

I couldn’t wait around for the other to expire. Instead, I pulled the haladie from my mouth and began sawing into the hooks trapped in my flesh. The first few appendages were severed without issue, belonging to the dead body. However, the moment I moved on to number four, I was met with incredibly loud and annoying resistance. The almost-dead super wasp recoiled as I dragged the blade of my weapon across its tender claw-arm, thrashing against the pain and jerking so badly we began to drop even faster. I didn’t stop, though. I had a hankering for an insect cutlet.

I finally got through its tether and moved on to the last one, hacking at it to cut down on time. All the while, the creature did the insect version of screaming. Then it began ramming its already-destroyed head against mine. Finally, I was able to cut myself loose and grabbed onto it, sliding around in mid-air and attempting to get on to its back. I was able to do so, but only barely.

Now atop my hard-bodied steed, I grabbed its head and tried to aim. I wasn’t stupid enough to kill it while we were still in flight, but I did punch it a few times for the inconvenience but only received a sore fist for my trouble.

Boy, oh boy. Exoskeletons are hard!

I pushed forward and forced the creature’s failing flight into the direction I wanted: the platform with the eggs. I could see them now, quivering and jumping in their own panic.

You have killed [1] Level 2 Dread Cuckoo Brood!

Gained 531 Experience.

Ah, shit.

The beast’s body suddenly drooped, and I was left trying desperately to pilot a vehicle that no longer had any go-go juice. The platform was still about fifty feet below me and another thirty feet forward, and that was not going to do me any favors. But what other option did I have? I stood up as much as I could, lined myself up, and vaulted off the back of the dead cuckoo.

I wasn’t even close.

My cool-guy action carried me less than ten feet before I started to plummet, screaming as I did so. It had been such a stupid maneuver, and now I was soaring right toward the lake of fire a few hundred feet directly below me.

“Shiiiiiiiiiiiit!” I roared as my body began to spin.

I was able to make out the blurred shape of the dozens of bridges beneath me, crisscrossing rudely. I had one option, and it was going to hurt.

I thought about my somersault earlier in the day and how easy my spin had been. Working backward from that, I straightened my legs and crooked my right arm. Doing this allowed me to stop the violent rotation. Instead, I straightened out my limbs and turned so that my chest was facing downward again. I brought my arms to my sides and slowly spread them out like I had seen base jumpers do in YouTube videos. This caused me to move forward as I fell, right into the path of one of the bridges.

Alright, I’m just going to have to hit it hard and hope it doesn’t kill me. Better than being burned alive by Big Hot Pond.

I was rapidly approaching my quarry, and I stretched my arms out to grab on and stop myself from falling.

Alright, here goes nothi–

I hit the bridge, but instead of landing on it, my body broke through it, the rock crumbling as I made contact and continued falling.

Fortunately, the bridge thirty feet below was much more sturdy.

I landed hard, and if the previous walkway hadn’t already done so, I knew it would have knocked the wind out of me. As it stood, I lay, curled in a ball of pain on my tenuous thread of life, clutching the sides of the bridge to make sure I didn’t tumble further.

Condition: Fractured mitigated. [Health bonus]

“That… sucked,” I breathed.

My health had taken another big hit, and now I was almost back in the normal range, the boost from Zeol’s magic cookie nearly gone. I shakily raised myself to my feet, feeling sore everywhere. I could not keep falling, as my body would likely turn into pebbles the next time. Avoiding the Fractured condition was apparently possible only because of my health boost. Still, now that I was so close to losing it, I knew I wouldn’t be so lucky next time.

“Fuck this place,” I said, looking up at the karst’s summit high above.

I gathered my bearings, looking for where the possessed roe’s platform was in relative location to myself. I spotted it easily and made my way back up through the web of interconnected bridges with a sigh.

By the time I reached the platform, just over four minutes remained in the challenge. So far, no one else had made it across. But we also hadn’t failed it, so I knew that Stinky was still alive.

I arrived to find the jumble of possessed roe tucked into a corner of the platform beneath a narrow stone shelf. They quivered, bright red eyes staring at me in the dim space giving them the appearance of jittery, evil coffee beans. I drew closer to them, dreading what I was planning to do as they made no moves to attack.

“Here, eggy, eggies,” I cooed, moving forward slowly. “Come get a tasty bite of delicious orc outsides so that we don’t goddamn die…”

The possessed roe were being strangely skittish all of a sudden, and that just wasn’t going to do. I had devised an ingenious strategy to let them all latch on to me and then book it for the bridge. Still, if they were suddenly super shy about their portion control, I’d have to figure something else out. Which would be awful. There was nothing I hated more than thinking after I already done thought.

“Come on, dammit,” I hissed, trying not to raise my voice too much in case the swarm of cuckoos decided to home in on my frequency. “I need you to gnaw on me with your stupid egg teeth so I can get us out of here. I’d leave you if I could, but I can’t. So this is how it has to be.”

They peered at me, suspicious and uncomprehending. So, I decided to push my luck. Quickly, I grabbed one of the roe from the group and held it aloft.

“Eat me,” I demanded and tried to press it to my skin. "Just do it, you little punk."

Before, when I’d come in contact with them without the party hat, they’d acted like a super-adhesive, attaching themselves to my flesh with hardly any actual surface-to-surface connection. Now, though, when I held the egg, I realized that it felt like clutching an orb of pure static electricity. The hairs on my arms stood on end, and there was an invisible crackle where my hands met the texture of the roe’s body. It didn’t stick at all, so I tried to force it to latch on. As I moved it close to me, the roe spun in my grasp, and I lost my grip. Then it bounced out of my hands and back to its brothers, where it continued shuddering, trying to get as far away from me as it could.

I looked back over my shoulder at the karst and gulped. The huge murder of insectoids had finally returned to Stinky. Fortunately, he was fast enough to avoid the outliers at the moment. But he was still wounded and worn down, and I knew he wouldn’t be able to last for very long. I was confused by the fact that they’d all moved as one when going after the little gimmick, but now it was like they were toying with him…

“Oh.”

They were toying with him. This challenge was designed to waylay people to keep them from reaching the arch on the opposite side before the timer ran out. That was obvious enough, but what I’d seen them do to Stinky’s ruse had been overkill. If I was designing a challenge like this, I would try to make it sneaky as fuck to get past, which would mean distracting someone with something big and shiny.

Something big and shiny like the bridge of light cutting through the center of the enormous cavernous butt pain.

That’s the trap.

The bridge itself was a distraction. If you tried to cross it, the creatures would swarm and grab you, but if you kept your distance, they assaulted far less frequently. Like how they were taking their time onesie-twosie with Stinky right now–or how only two had gone after me when I’d gone off the beaten path. Something else clicked into place then. Whoever our eighth party member was had already crossed the archway on the other side, and they’d done so before the bridge had ever formed.

What was it that Pontivex had said about directness?

…it is likely to get you killed if you pursue it too doggedly.

I’d, of course, assumed he was speaking about the way I’d interacted with him. But now, it seemed like a blazing, white-hot hint.

I scanned the platform’s edge. Sure enough, I could now see that though most of its space ended in little rocky alcoved sections, the last two feet of floor continued beyond like a catwalk. I followed the now-obviously-intentional path with my eyes. I saw that all of the alcoves were connected by a thin band of discolored rock circling the entirety of the lake of fire. As far as I could tell, there were two platforms on either side of the far-end archway, about a hundred feet above. As sure as my Aunt Emma was a shitty cook, that would be our ticket out of here.

Furious bubbles of an idea began to brew in my skull, but to execute it, I’d need…

My eyes fell on an object in the other corner of the platform. I wasn’t sure how I’d missed it before, but when I spotted it, I felt a tiny blossom of hope. Resting all on its lonesome was a massive, ten-foot-wide chest.

“Man, it can’t be this easy, can it?”

I raced to it, not even bothering to Analyze it before wrenching it open.

I stared.

“Oh. My. Hell.”

Inside the chest were several items that looked like they could be useful… but I wasn't sure because they were resting on top of a gigantic pile of glittering gold coins.

I could feel my eyes bulging and hurriedly glanced around to see if anything was heading in my immediate direction. With no danger on the horizon, I examined them just to ensure they were genuine. Then I turned my attention to the items.

Cincture of Suresight

Rarity: Uncommon

Item Class: Belt

Durability: 80/80

Weight: 1.0 lbs.

Defense: N/A

Bonuses: +5% to Archer Skill

A waistband made of Brychol leather and bearing the ornate symbol of a bow and arrow wrought in silver. This item grants a 5-percent boost to the Archer Skill but does not gift the Skill itself.

Guardian’s Buckler

Rarity: Uncommon

Item Class: Shield

Durability: 500/500

Weight: .08 lbs.

Defense: +3%

Bonuses: Bashing +2%

A small, lightweight shield designed to be held in a user’s offhand. While simple in design, this particular item was forged with a conical design to assist the user in glancing off blows more easily. The Guardian's Buckler can also be used as a bashing weapon.

Tandar’s Flipper Slippers

Rarity: Unique

Item Class: Footwear

Durability: ???

Weight: 2.3 lbs.

Defense: N/A

Bonuses:

+10% Water Movement Speed

Grants Waterbreathing for [1] hour(s)

Charges: [1] Daily

Swimfins made of stretchy leather-like material of indeterminate origin. A one-of-a-kind magical item, Tandar’s Flipper Slippers gives the user more ease of movement when swimming or traversing underwater terrain. Grants the Waterbreathing Ability for one hour per charge.

Indestructible Orb

Rarity: ???

Item Class: ???

Durability: N/A

Weight: 3.0 lbs.

Bonuses:

???

A sphere that seems to be made of cloudy glass. This orb cannot be destroyed. Its purpose is unknown.

[Lustrous] Skill Book of [Acrobat]

Rarity: Elusive

Item Class: Skill Book

Durability: 1/1

Weight: N/A

Bonuses: Grants Acrobat Skill

This is a Lustrous Skill Book. Requires an 8-minute duration to learn. Skills gained from Lustrous-quality manuals begin at E-Rank Level 1.

[1] Slab of Ham

Rarity: Pedestrian

Item Class: Food

Durability: 1/1

Weight: .04 lbs.

Bonuses: N/A

Ham.

What in blazes are these items doing in the first chamber of the beginner floor of this dungeon?

So, these had just been hanging out here, being all fly and shit, just waiting for someone to wander on by and have a look inside? That didn’t make any sense to me. Obviously, I’d been told that dungeons had some lucrative goodies inside them, but this was the starter zone. Surely things labeled as indestructible weren’t commonly collecting dust in a place like this?

I didn’t have time to think about them right now, though. Nothing within the chest had offered me what I was hoping for: a distraction. Even worse was that every item was basically pointless at the moment. I wasn’t an archer, I didn’t have time to read a whole fucking book, and I sure as hell couldn’t swim my way out of this situation. I’d definitely be utilizing the buckler, but as it required being held, it was also a no-go. I needed more hands right now, not less. Also, what the fuck was I supposed to do with ham? Who knew how long it had even been in the chest? If I attempted to eat it, I’d likely get cursed with a permanent case of the green apple splatters.

Though, it does look weirdly fresh…

Everything went into my pack, and then I moved on to the gold.

“Maybe these could be a distraction?” I said aloud. “In some sort of hail Mary, chaos option.”

I looked at the timer. Three minutes remained.

“Shit,” I said. “Fuck it. Cowabunga, it is!”

I felt in my pocket for the tomfoolery item Stinky had given me to ensure it was still there. I shoved my hands into the pile of gold coins, gathering as many as I could in both hands before whipping them over the side of the platform in a high arc. I was greeted with the sound of pleasant tinkling as the coins bounced against the rock wall beneath me and struck the bridges as well. It was sort of loud, but I wasn’t sure if it would work. I glanced beyond the rim and watched as the gold caught the light of the flames, glowing brightly as they plink-plunked downward.

I peered at the karst. It was clear the noise of the coins and flashes of light had caught the attention of some of the cuckoos. The large insectoids hovered in place, their gross engorged pimple-heads seeking out the source of the noise.

“That worked?”

I shrugged.

Guess I’ll have to do it better this go around.

I looked back at the massive chest. It looked heavy, but I considered that maybe I could drag it to the edge and tip it over if I leveraged my weight a little bit. In the spirit of cowabunga, I just decided to throw caution to the wind and just try. I ran back to the chest, grabbed the iron handle on its side panel, and heaved.

I fell backward as the chest flew through the air like it was made of cardboard, my motion forcing it into an overhead swing as I clutched the handle. Because I’d left the lid open, I lay, watching as the entire stock of coins flew out, blanketing the empty space beyond the platform like thousands of tiny golden fireworks. What I could only imagine was a king’s ransom of wealth flew through the air and hit every available solid surface with a cascading cacophony of clinks.

That had indeed grabbed the winsome wiles of the dread cuckoo brood. The entire mob suddenly moved as one, bee-lining for me. I stared at the chest still attached to my hand.

“What the fuck is this thing made out of, Delta Air vouchers?”

You know I had to Analyze that bitch.

Feather Chest

Rarity: Storied

Item Class: Storage

Durability: ???

Weight: ???

Bonuses: ???

A magical storage space designed to fit a maximum of a 10 x 10 area. This chest weighs a negligible sum and can be expanded to its full size by using the keyphrase: Feather Chest Maximize or made compact with the keyphrase: Feather Chest Minimize. Items stored within the confines of the Feather Chest will be nearly weightless and maintain their condition for the duration of their time inside. Items will not suffer damage from minimized state.

Please note: while living objects can be placed within the Feather Chest, they may remain a finite duration.

Duration: [4] minutes.

Holy macaroni!

I’d just been served up a grand slam. Not the baseball kind. The Denny’s kind. I was gonna eat this motherfucking challenge like a me after the two-day flu.

The swarm of buzzing monsters was moving quickly toward me now, so it was now or never. I wheeled on the roe, still quivering in their corner. A gleeful smile spread across my face.

“Alright, guys,” I said, cracking my knuckles. “We don’t have time to be piddle-farting around like this. Y'all are coming with me.”

Then I began stuffing them into the chest with the kind of maniacal jubilation typically reserved for serial killers. Then, before they could bounce away, I slammed the lid shut.

“Feather Chest, minimize.”

The humongous container made a loud popping sound and instantly transformed, shrinking into the size of a ring box.

“This is so dope,” I said, snatching the now tiny chest up and stowing it in my pack.

That was when the swarm reached the platform. I stuck my hand into my pocket and withdrew the small cube I’d been saving. I dropped it on the ground in front of me and, with a mighty flourish, slammed my foot down, shattering the trinket into smithereens.

“Run and jump!” I shouted. Then I barreled forward at a full sprint and leaped off the side of the platform.

Or, at least, my mirror image did.

Troyal’s Doppelganger Cube

Rarity: Elusive

Item Class: Magical Item

Durability: 1/1

Weight: N/A

Bonuses: N/A

Duration: [1] minute(s)

This is a magical item designed to mimic the effects of the Doppelganger spell. Upon destruction of the cube, the spell released creates a spectral clone of the user that can follow basic commands. While active, the user is invisible to most non-magical and some magical beings. The Doppelganger may engage in any simple activity that the user demands, but they do not have intelligence or physical statistics, so actions requiring complex decision-making or exertion will be impossible. Additionally, Doppelgangers bear only 1 Health point, and combat-based commands are ill-advised. The duration for this spell lasts for 1 minute, or until the Doppelganger is destroyed. Once the effect fades, the user will gain visibility again.

I felt my body change, watching as my arms and legs disappeared. Then, without waiting, I shot right for the thin strip of pathway that connected the platforms. I’d been concerned before, when Stinky had deployed this tactic, because his body double looked so realistic. But now I was glad the image had been indistinguishable from the real deal.

I saw my Doppelganger’s body plummet below, with the swarm hot on its heels. That meant I didn’t have long before I’d become a big, ugly eyesore again. But, that was alright. I only needed a head start, and then everything would be coming up Loon. I realized that I hadn’t actually gotten a look at my face, and I still didn’t know what I looked like. I had only seen the back of my head as my Doppelganger raced off the edge of the cliff.

Oh well. I’ll just find a reflective surface later. There’s still plenty of time before I need to ruin my own day with a visual.

I didn’t dare look over at the light bridge, hoping against all fuck that Stinky had used my diversion wisely.

I quickly learned that it was insanely difficult to navigate a precarious path when you couldn’t see your own feet. It made maintaining balance a deadly game of gravity-chicken. I moved as quickly as I could and almost fell once during my dash. Fortunately, I’d activated Enduring Perch and kept myself from tripping by rooting myself to the rock.

Then I saw a flash of light below me, and my body became corporeal again.

Poor guy never stood a chance. Ah, well. I’ll send a gift basket to his next of kin. Guess I’ll be buying myself some lovely chocolates.

I made it to the next platform and took the opportunity to glance at the timer. There was just under two minutes remaining.

Damn, I’m cutting it close!

On this platform was another chest, and a very large part of me was greedy enough to want to wander over and loot it. But, I was in the middle of a super sweet mission that I could very easily fail, and it didn’t seem like that would be conducive to surviving long enough to share my badass origin story. So, while I moved on physically, the what-if of that serendipitous bounty would live on forever in my heart.

However, things were looking grim. I didn’t think I’d be able to make it to the end and figure out a way down in the time left over. I’d have to figure out a way to get creative.

I was almost to the third and penultimate platform when I heard the buzzing return, and I shot a look behind me. Five cuckoos were rapidly gaining on me, bearing down on my location as I penguin-trotted along, pathetically exposed. Suddenly, only ten feet from me, my pursuers shifted, their attention focused elsewhere. That was when I caught sight of something truly bizarre.

Just beyond the threshold of the arch on the karst, only a few feet on the light bridge, was Stinky. Or rather, what I assumed was another one of his Doppelgangers. He was jumping up and down, waving his arms in sync with his legs in something I could only describe as the world’s most uncoordinated jumping jack.

Heh. Well, distractions are rarely subtle. Good on you, Stinkers.

Not wanting to let him have all the fun, I swiped at the cuckoo nearest to me. My attack hit home, bisecting one of the monster’s legs and causing it to reel back, directing angry eyes at me. It released a screech of fury.

“Oh, shut up!” I said.

Then I launched off the catwalk and onto the dread cuckoo. I wrapped my arms around it as it immediately started trying to give me a nasty tongue lashing. I ignored the probe and shifted, climbing up its body and onto its back as the bug thrashed against me.

“That’s about enough outta you, sweetie!” I said, slapping the creature's tongue away.

“Agh!”

I’d forgotten how sharp the tines on the tongue were and as I drew my hand back, I saw small gashes had been torn open in the flesh of my hand. This only made its fervor worse, however, because now it had caught the scent of my super dishy orc blood. The vicious vespa began turning, trying to get at me.

I do not have time for this!

“Knock it off!” I yelled, slipping from my perch and gripping onto its hard outer shell. Finally, after another moment, I was able to climb atop it. Then, before it could do anything else to piss me off, I focused my intent on being as inconspicuous as possible. I noticed immediately that there was a section of the carapace that looked a bit like the horn of a saddle and appeared a lot more dense than the rest of it. I carefully shifted my weight over and pulled myself into a crouch, balancing on the balls of my feet and holding tight to the extension. The cuckoo thrashed a bit more, but I had locked myself into a fairly stable position. Eventually, it stopped, though it seemed confused as to what it needed to be doing. I hardly breathed as I waited, gathering my cloak around me as much as I could.

One minute, forty seconds…

One minute, thirty-nine seconds…

Finally, the beast lurched in the air and began following its friends, who had about fifteen seconds of a head start. All eyes had shifted to the ridiculous performance that false Stinky was engaging in. Now his form was rotating his hips with his hands on his waist. Was he… twerking?

No, that wasn’t it. It looked like one of those old infomercials for some sort of ab-destroying, bun-hardening calisthenics.

I think that’s what Stinky considers exercise…

I held on as the swarm ahead of me and my new mount finally reached their prey. However, good ole Doppel-Stinker was blissfully unaware of their rapid approach, choosing instead to switch to overhead arm reaches like he was a Jazzercise instructor. I almost started laughing at the pure, ridiculous insanity of the image of someone making their last stand one of fitness.

The brood surrounded the Doppelganger, and one brave soul swooped down to pick it up. When it did, Stinky’s double instantly phased out of existence and I shot a look to see where the real matau was.

There he is.

The genuine Stinkster was booking it at an alarming fast speed across the light bridge, and was nearly three-fourths of the way across.

Holy shit! He’s going to make it!

The entire swam shifted as one urgent mass and began to buzz menacingly as they too, picked up speed. I held on in my crouch, still completely unnoticed by any of the cuckoos as they shot like bolts of gross lightning across the cavern to stop Stinky from reaching the other side. In mere moments, they’d almost completely caught up, all of the monsters diving low to catch him. That was when I saw Stinky toss another cube ten feet ahead of himself and crunch it under his boot when he reached it. As if emerging from the back of Stinky’s own body, another Doppelganger sprouted, facing the direction Stinky had just been running from.

This could also be understood as: directly toward the swarm.

Then, just before it reached the bevy of buzzing brutes, the Doppelganger veered hard to the right and dived off of the light bridge. The whole mass shifted to follow him, but I took that moment to be a little bit of an asshole. As the giant hornet beneath me switched directions, I quickly slid one of the blades of my haladie under the back of its skull.

You have killed [1] Level 2 Dread Cuckoo Brood!

Stealth Kill Bonus! [x2]

Gained 1,050 Experience.

I used my crouch to spring forward, just as the cuckoo dropped out of the sky. Fortunately, my specific free ride had been only around fifteen feet from the bridge, so there wasn’t far to travel. I had momentum and a terrible sense of balance, and landed hard on my feet and immediately stumbled forward several paces before activating Enduring Perch to stop myself from falling over. Before I could be found out, I used my last clone cube, smashing it against my chest as hard as I could.

“Run fast off the bridge!” I shouted, and didn’t even watch it appear or dash away. I became invisible, and rocketed directly for the arch that was still about fifty feet away. I appeared alone on this walkway, but knew that Stinky was probably doing the same thing I was. I had to trust that he would make it as well.

Suddenly, Stinky appeared again, directly ahead of me. Apparently his Doppelganger had already died but he was booking it toward the exit like it was the last bathroom in a Taco Bell. He wouldn’t know I was here, but he didn’t seem concerned about that. I tried desperately to keep up as he crossed the end of the light bridge and onto the stone before the archway.

Fuck yes! Let’s do this shit!

FWOOM!

A shape had struck like an arrow, scooping Stinky up and away from the ground.

“Argh!” Stinky roared, thrashing. He was wrapped in the tight grip of one of the cuckoos that had apparently been quicker on the uptake than its disgusting companions. It flew upward, shifting as if to change directions, but Stinky was giving it hell from below and making it a lot more difficult than the insectoid probably expected. Stinky’s arms were trapped to his sides, but he was kicking the creature’s underside as hard as he could manage and even threw a headbutt or two in there.

We were too close. Feet away from the arch, and this little Brundlefly asshole thought he was going to deny me my red-blooded American right to go fuck shit up further in this dungeon?

Not today, bitch.

I kept moving, because the stupidest thing I could do would be to stand in place. So this was going to get a little dicey. I kept closing the gap between me and the area directly below the cuckoo, and hefted my haladie. I tried to focus as best I could and aimed at the monster. Then I did a little spin and released the haladie with a snap of my wrist.

I stared as the haladie fired away in a straight line, spinning like a fan blade, and cleanly cut through the cuckoo’s head before spinning off and away in an arc.

You have killed [1] Level 2 Dread Cuckoo Brood!

Stealth Kill Bonus! [x 1.2]

Critical Hit Bonus! [x 2]

Gained 1,645 Experience.

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Congratulations! You have raised a Skill!

Throwing Weapons [F-Rank Level 2]

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Congratulations! You have raised a Skill!

Throwing Weapons [F-Rank Level 3]

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Congratulations! You have raised a Skill!

Throwing Weapons [F-Rank Level 4]

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Congratulations! You have raised a Skill!

Throwing Weapons [F-Rank Level 5]

“Yes! Fuck you, cuckoo! Fuck you!” I roared.

As the beast fell, its limbs untangled to allow Stinky to drop separately.

“Suck my whole dick, dungeon! I am the–uh-oh!”

Stinky had rotated in the air and was not going to land on the bridge. He made a sound as though he was swallowing a duck as he realized his predicament. I could make it though.

He’s going to owe me so hard after this.

I raced to the edge of the light bridge and activated Enduring Perch. I stuck my arms out and caught Stinky just as he got within range.

“Ahhhhh!” He screamed, staring at the lava far below. I’d forgotten that in my haste to catch him, I was still under the effects of the Doppelganger spell and as such, was still invisible. So, if he still had panic brain, it probably seemed as though he was just levitating. Normally I would have messed with him a bit more, but according to the timer, we only had twenty five seconds left before everything collapsed on us. So, I just tossed him on the bridge.

“Relax,” I said. “It’s me. We only have about twenty seconds left. Let’s goose it!”

Stinky didn’t even respond, he just started booking it to the exit. I followed, and my invisibility suddenly dropped.

“Pick up the pace!” I screamed, hearing a whoosh and buzz gathering below.

We tore ass to the gateway and reached it with ten seconds to spare. Just before we crossed the threshold, I turned, spotting the horde of wasps and I smiled.

“Better luck next time, you sloppy sack of–uwugh!”

I’d been gesturing as I spoke, when a shape darted through the crowd of creatures. It sliced across several and I heard cries of anger as a whirling dervish flash toward me and landed softly in my hand. I goggled at it. It was the haladie.

“It… came back?”

Congratulations! You have discovered a hidden bonus for [Enchanted Haladie]!

Bonus: Return

The Enchanted Haladie returns to the user who has bonded with it when thrown.

“Holy fuck!” I shouted. “I’m like motherfucking Thor!”

Then I felt a jerk from behind me as I was pulled backward through the arch.

“I’m motherfucking THOOOOOOR!”