“Back off, orc–you’re going to fucking kill me!”

“I can’t help that you’re slow as shit, Stinky!”

We were perched, like a couple of dipshits, along a narrow channel of rock along the wall. It had been challenging to move quickly because, while Stinky insisted on going first, he moved painfully slow. This–as you can probably imagine–created some difficulties.

“I’m not slow!” Stinky said, holding a hand up behind him. “You’re just too fucking massive to make this comfortable. Budge off, you great fat halfwit!”

I scowled down at him.

“You wanted to go first, so you live with first,” I said, clutching the rock wall with a healthy dose of anxiety.

“I’d have changed my mind if I’d known you were going to be fucking dog-stepping me, orc!”

“I don’t know what that means, Stinky! Stop using made-up terms!”

“It means you aren’t giving me any space, you mountain of cat shit!”

We’d been going on like this for a few minutes–almost dangling off the edge of a ledge, shouting at one another for various reasons that seemed super important to do while shifting our weight over the gasping expanse of magma fire just below our bikini zones. Periodically, a plume of flame would shoot up from the lake of heat, causing Stinky or me–or both–to have to flatten ourselves against the rock wall to not get our bits singed beyond repair.

I sighed.

I shouldn’t have to deal with this. I’m Level Six now.

Oh, yeah. I’d leveled up.

Apparently, popping that potion for a real one was the equivalent of smoking fantasy crack. I’d carved up those eggs like a hibachi chef and done a fair bit of miscellaneous mischief. Especially considering I’d created enough chaotic damage that I should have to register as a living natural disaster. After having consumed a total of ten thousand Experience during that little jaunt, I was now three levels higher than before we’d fallen into the cave. I’d realized the change not long after encountering Big Hot Pond–as I called it now in my mind. I’d also gained access to nine additional Points to be distributed as I saw most fitting. Of course, ya boi slapped five of those motherfuckers into Constitution–bringing it up to twenty-nine. The other four Points were divided equally into Strength and Dexterity–for a total of twelve in each.

Several Skills and Abilities had also shot up, including Intimidate, Two-Handed Weapons, and Unarmed Fighting. The most exciting advancement was my Improvised Weapon Skill which had jumped up an entire rank and was now resting at a comfortable E-Rank, Level Two.

It was as though I was actually making a modicum of progress now, and that felt good. However, what didn’t feel as peachy-keen was the fact that Stinky had apparently woken up on the asshole-side of the bed–even though I’d saved his life. Some people just don’t know when to give up on a grudge, I guess. He was still mighty butthurt about me lightly using him as a humanoid grain tool during our masterfully-executed escape.

If I’d have known he was just going to be grumbling the whole time, I would have whipped him around like a helicopter blade long ago.

Now we were making our perilous path across the thinnest strip of rocky outcropping available. This was all in an attempt to make it to one of the stone karsts standing tall and stoic against the backdrop of what looked like a German techno music video.

We still hadn’t encountered the eggs or whoever Guest Numero Ocho was. So for the moment, it was just Stinky and I prowling along the skirt of this gigantic bubbling jambalaya of ouchies, trying not to become its next ingredient.

I’d gained some new Abilities with the level up, but I hadn’t had a chance to check them out yet because of–you know–this shit. I promised myself that I would take a time-out once we reached the summit of the looming stone oasis and genuinely dive in.

I still couldn’t believe the magnitude of this cavern. It was a mile or two long and the ceiling was at least twice that in height, so much so that if there weren’t a multitude of conspicuous stalactites, I might have assumed there wasn’t a roof at all. Worrisomely, Stinky had pointed out what–to me–looked like wasps nests weaved into the flesh of the stone ceiling daggers. Still, so far, they hadn’t done anything nefarious except exist. Which, in my mind, was bad enough in its own right.

The other platforms I’d noticed when I’d arrived seemed to be made out of some material other than the boring old stone that comprised everything else in this vast canyon. They stuck out noticeably, and rather than varying tones of dull gray rock, they were a shining pearl–as if made out of marble. They each had a different symbol carved into them that I didn’t recognize. I was sure they had some purpose that would send my anger spiking into the red, but as of yet, neither of us knew what that could be.

On the far end of the cavern was another platform with an additional door inside a glowing archway. However, despite it looking nearly identical to the dungeon's entrance, there was one glaring abnormality: this door was open. Where the last entryway had two bird pillars on either side, this just held a massive stone carving of some kind of dog demon that jutted out over the arch. It gave me the creeps. I figured we’d have to jog our happy asses over there somehow to get to the next… chamber, as Zeol had referred to it. I was beginning to regret ever giving that stupid mask the time of day.

I mean, he’d made it sound like it would be as simple as strolling into a fast food joint and using the bathroom–uncomfortable and a little dangerous--but relatively unlikely to end in death. However, in every direction I looked, it seemed like there were lots of potentially fatal situations I could bumble into—like using the bathroom at a swap meet.

Fuck you, Zeol.

I’d halfway hoped that thinking with intention would goad him into a response, but the god had been suspiciously silent ever since I’d asked him to go away. Which, I mean, I guess was the point, but I’d figured he’d at least have been annoying enough to try to reach out once I’d accepted the Quest.

One column of bleak rock stood out more than the others in the center of the entire thing. It was broader than its siblings, and several stone bridges led to its base near the lava from other locations. These were really no more than fingers of stone that stretched dangerously over swaths of the burning lake rather than actual bridges, but it was clear by their design they were meant to be crossed to get to this central karst. At its top was another archway, though it looked considerably smaller than the one across Big Hot Pond. There was no doubt in my mind that we’d be required to fiddlefuck around with that thing before we could even attempt to get to the demon dog door.

Stinky hadn’t argued. Once he’d woken up, he’d seemed a bit befuddled by where he was, but then the reality of the last few minutes had resurfaced, and he’d tried to stab me again. Though he was either too injured, or his heart just wasn’t in it enough because he stopped after just a moment. Then, when he’d realized we were in a dungeon, he’d gone quiet and adopted a look I would almost describe as ‘begrudging interest.’ He’d marveled at the expanse of hell before us before steeling himself and announcing we needed to move forward.

He hadn’t even asked how it was possible that we’d gotten inside–something I’d planned a lie around–so that was a bit of a downer. He had to know, though. There was no way he’d have gleaned so much about dungeons without having learned what their keycode was. So, I remained quiet about the Espers. If he wasn’t going to ask, I wasn’t going to say fucking boo.

After ten minutes of strenuous hiking and nearly life-ending stumbles, we made it to the stone catwalk that led to the center column. From here, I could see the dozens of other paths that grew from the structure's base, and some looked a lot more perilous than ours. Though, as I saw the narrow strip of rock practically hovering fifty feet above the lava, I didn’t really think our chances were much better. The walkway moved over a section of the lake, stopped at a smaller karst, and then picked up the trail to reach the center column another hundred or so feet beyond.

“Alright, orc, I’ll go first and–”

“The fuck you will!” I shouted, my voice echoing into the burning void beyond. “You can barely walk. I learned my lesson on the ledges. If you go first, you’re going to keel over and fall into the lake, and I’ll have to witness it–which will really bum me out. I’ll have to have that on my conscience for the rest of my days.”

“If you go first, you’ll break the fucking thing and leave me trapped on this side!” Stinky barked.

“If I don’t make it across, you’ll be fucked anyway,” I said. “You’re being held together by butterfly kisses right now, and a fucking fart would blast your bones apart.”

“All the better reason to stay upwind of you, orc,” Stinky said. “My way is the least risky. Your way is stupid. Besides, I’ve been in front this whole time, and like you said, I chose first, so I live with it.”

“Fine,” I said, finally relenting. “You’re correct that my initial assessment was with the perfect clarity of a mastermind. You have my permission to go first.”

Stinky looked like he wanted to kick me into the lava. Instead, he shambled forward, carefully picking his footpath across the tiny rock passage. I watched him for a minute as he made his slow trek across the bridge, and when he was nearing the halfway point, I stepped aboard.

It was unsettling how small the width of this thing was. It wasn’t quite wide enough for both of my feet to rest next to one another, so I’d either have to strafe sideways or try not to trip as I put one foot over the other. I opted for the sidewinder and began shuffling along, keeping my arms out to steady my balance.

Stinky made it to the platform waypoint and waited for me to finish my stretch before giving me a look.

“You didn’t die,” he said.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I breathed. As much as I had been falling lately, I hadn’t developed a taste for heights. Especially as this particular dumbo drop wouldn’t have been as easy to survive as the others I’d been so miraculously Deus ex Machina’d from. Just to test my theory, I snatched up a palm-sized piece of rubble from our respite and hurled it into the lake. I watched it drop, and before it even hit the lava, it burst into flame. Whatever remains it had were dissolved by the time it reached the lake.

Yeah, that’s going to need to be avoided at all costs.

The stone hadn’t stood a chance, and my skin was way meltier than it was.

Stinky took the next leg and made it over without issue. I tiptoed along afterward, and I was fine other than a single close call. As I stepped onto the ledge at the karst's base, I let out a loud breath that I didn’t even know I had been carrying with me and slumped against the rock of the structure. It was pretty warm, but we were far enough above the lake that it didn’t seem like I was in danger of going all Johnny Storm.

“Now what?” I asked, but Stinky wasn’t listening. He had already started stomping along the rim. So I followed.

“How do you know where to go?” I wondered.

Stinky quarter-turned his head to me and shot a gob of phlegm into the fiery lake below.

“It only has one route, you fucking dimwit,” he said. “How the hell you managed to get the drop on me without killing yourself first is a gods-revilin’ wonder.”

I flipped him the bird, but he just stared at it quizzically. So, I very smoothly and expertly pretended to be examining the cuticle. Stinky just shook his head and kept moving.

Ha, in your face, sucker.

Stinky had been right: there was only one path. We spent some time making our way up carefully, the angry matau leading us up through a stumbling gait. Before we reached the top, though, I grabbed him, forcing him to stop.

“What in the–”

“Quiet,” I hissed and gave him a severe glare. “We need to strategize.”

“Strategize about what, orc?” Stinky said, yanking himself out of my grasp. “How best to use me as a cudgel and break those fucking speleothems down? Or maybe you want t’try tossin’ me the whole way over to that arch? What could you and your thick skull possibly think would be a good idea?”

I smirked.

“Actually, I was going to suggest riding you across the lava like a surfboard, but I can see you’re in your usual humorless state.”

Then I paused.

“Wait, what’s a… spiely wheely–whatever?”

Stinky spit into the lake again without explaining. I glanced at the walls where the discolored platforms were.

Are those the spiely wheelies?

This whole thing felt off. If this entire world was built like a videogame, once we ended up on top of this structure, things were going to get fucking hairy. Like, motherfucking Chewbacca-ish, Teen Wolf, Borat chest, Harry and the Goddamned Hendersons-level hairy. There was no way in…well, here that I was going to go dimpledicking into a trap. Not that I was an RPG expert, by any stretch, but I’d played enough games of different genres to recognize the signs of when you were approaching a boss battle. Or, at the very least, an extreme challenge.

“We need to be prepared for this next step,” I said coolly, looking around. We weren’t yet to the top, but with my height, I could just peep over the lip of the flat surface of the summit. Sure enough, the smaller-than-the-other archway was near the edge, directly opposite the one across the lake. Now that we were so close, I could see that it also had runes around its curve, but these ones weren’t glowing. They were still etched in the same fashion as the others but barren of any glowy bullshit. I didn’t see anything other than the blank expanse surrounding it. If I was a betting man, I’d have placed all my money on something happening when we physically crossed a certain threshold.

So, we needed a plan.

I explained my reservations to Stinky, and he considered my words quietly–and with a lot more thoughtfulness than I’d assumed he was capable of. Finally, after a long moment, he sighed.

“I suppose you have something in mind?” He asked hesitantly.

“I might,” I said, looking at the purse under his arm. “But first, I should know what sort of tools you have available. Anything and everything. We’re gonna need every ounce of handicap we can manage if we want to survive.”

I looked up at the stalactites and the gross little dumpling hives clinging to them.

Those are going to become an issue–whatever they are.

Stinky kept his scowl deep and annoying, but I just waited patiently, making direct eye contact in a move I learned from Uncle Luke: if you want to get someone to do something for you, state your piece, meet their eyes, and don’t speak afterward until they do. He’d said it was a common tactic in sales but only worked if the other person didn’t know what you were doing. I was banking on Stinky not only thinking the worst of me but also hoping that my Intimidation Skill could help–even a little.

After a solid twenty seconds of no words passing between either of us, Stinky sighed, averted his gaze, and shrugged his shoulders. Then he reached into his pouch and opened it, peering inside.

“I ain’t got much,” he said. “I travel light.”

“Aren’t you, like, a mercenary or something?” I asked, confused. “Why wouldn’t you bring along things you need?”

Stinky shot me a withering look and bared his razor teeth.

“Do I show up at the Dumb Shithead Guild and knock the dirt you’re eating out of your mouth, orc? Don’t accost me over my means when you haven't the slimiest snot what I do!”

I shook my head.

“Buddy, I’m just trying to understand what it is you bring to the table,” I said. “But, you’re right. I don’t know anything about you–or what you do–so why don’t you tell me? Unless you like dying, I guess?”

Stinky spit again.

“I suppose you think you’re keen to whip up some method of tactical brilliance based on the contents of my bag?”

I shrugged.

“It’s sure as fuck better than letting you go wandering up there without any safety net and just hoping for the best!”

Stinky jabbed a finger in my face.

“Don’t you worry about me, shit-skin,” he growled. “I’ve survived a long time without the aid of some rutting savage whose bells are a bit too low for his breeches!”

Shit-skin? That sounds derogatory. Should I be offended by that? Is this speciesism?

“First of all,” I started. “If you’re pooping out things the color of me, then you need to consult a doctor–or better yet, a fucking priest because your butthole is clearly haunted.”

Then I drew myself up to my full height, trying to glower down at the grumpy matau.

“And… also, you may be a survivor, or whatever, but I’d be willing to bet the… bells in my breeches that you haven’t spelunked a fucking dungeon before. Look, I’m sorry I used you like a Swiffer in a playplace ball pit. That was my bad. I know you’re super horny for your camp and want to get back there so you can try to cleave my head in two, or whatever. But that isn’t going to happen unless we try to play this smart.”

Stinky coughed up a laugh from the phlegm in his throat.

“Smart? You haven’t done anything smart since we fell down that hill, and yet you expect me–”

I threw my hands up, cutting him off.

“In case you hadn’t noticed, we’re in a place called ‘the Forbidden Crypt of the Dreadnaught Lord,’ surrounded by a toilet bowl full of flaming jizz, and there’s probably a bunch of fucking ultra-hornets in those nests up there. Shit is about to get stupid-as-hell fast. I know I’m dumb. I don’t know shit about fuck, but I’d like to live long enough to see what sorts of ballin-ass treasures are in this son of a bitch.”

Stinky’s eyebrows shot up at that. He quickly collected himself, but I’d seen his telling reaction. He was excited about the prospect of loot.

“Alright, quit bitching, then,” Stinky said. I had to believe he’d changed his tune because I’d reminded him of how lucrative having exclusive access to a dungeon could be.

“You’re a real Grinch, Stinky–you know that?”

Stinky just sneered at me.

“Quiet with your nonsense words, orc,” he said, lifting his satchel up so I could look inside. “Here’s what I’ve got. See somethin’ y’like?”

I activated Analysis and took a moment to browse his tiny inventory, before spotting something that made me smile.

“Oh,” I said. “I think I can definitely figure something out with these.”