I stare into the wind and snow.

Far away, I see two shapes moving, playing, laughing as another shape, more distant, watches. Two boys, one a few years older than the other, hurling snowballs and squealing with glee. These boys are still young. The smaller of the two is red-faced, rushing in the thick white drifts to escape the missile from the other child.

It’s me, I think. I am this boy.

The third shape, a woman, watches on with a look of sad content on her face. She’s Aunt Ella, but she looks like my mother. She looks like the mother from Home Alone. She’s my mother, and she looks like Aunt Ella. Now she’s my Uncle Luke warning us boys not to wander off too far. The woods are dangerous, he says.

I’m suddenly running. I am the boy racing away from the snowball. My short legs can hardly crest the depth of the cold snow, but I jump, and I fly out easily. Now I must only leap to escape the snowballs as they whirl past me in the frigid wind.

I am throwing snowballs at the boy running in the snow. At Gabriel. Uncle Luke yells to Gabe not to get too close to the trees! There are monsters in there!

I run along next to Gabriel as the other boy throws the snowballs, now trying to get him to stop. He’s no longer trying to hit him with the clumps. He is arcing them to land in Gabriel’s path to stop him from getting too close to the woods. Gabriel and I run forward towards the trees.

“Stop!” I try to yell to Gabriel, but the wind carries my words away.

Aunt Ella screams suddenly, and I wheel back to see her face. My mother’s face is a mask of pure terror, and the sight of it fills me with such a shuddering fear that I shield my eyes. Her jaw is hanging open to an unnatural level, and her eyes bulge as though she’s being squeezed as she yells, seeing something ahead that I cannot. That Gabriel cannot.

It’s coming.

I’m Gabriel, running towards the woods. I can’t stop, my movement is too great, and the hill is too steep. I’m leaping right toward the woods and what I know to be a tremendous horror contained within. I want to stop. I feel the weight of dread settling against my heart and stomach as I enter the woods. I can’t stop.

I see a shape ahead.

It’s here.

I cannot see what it is, but I feel it. It’s wrong. There’s nothing else to describe it. Something so incongruent with my existence that I’m stabbed by genuine fright. Its back is to me.

“He’s here, Gabriel,” the form says and then jerks to stare back at me. The face I see is awful, worse even than Uncle Luke’s had been a moment ago when he was screaming. I can’t bear it.

“He’s here!” The form screams and leaps at me in the snow.

—-

My eyes fluttered open.

What the fuck? I thought. I haven't had a nightmare in a long time. That was awful.

I thought about how I would have to try to get back to bed before my alarm went off, but then I realized I wasn’t in my bed. I was on the cold, hard ground in the dim, and the last little bit of time came crashing back onto me like a dump truck filled with shitty realizations.

How long have I been asleep?

My body no longer hurt, but there was a dull pounding in my head that was super annoying, to say the least. It was dim, wherever I was, but my Dark Vision didn’t reactivate, so it had to be at a level that I could see well enough. I peered around.

I was in a similar chamber to the one I’d passed out in, but this one had a ceiling to it, so I knew it wasn’t the same. The roof was still high but clearly visible and maybe fifty feet above, peppered with stalactites–or stalagmites, I was never sure which. There were two dark passages far to either side of me, and not far from my own position was Stinky’s flickering torch, bathing the space in warm light. In an alcove directly ahead of me was an area that looked as though it had been a small camp. Even in such wan light, I could see the remnants of a little cookfire that had long grown cold, as well as an assortment of discarded tools.

I staggered to my feet.

Where is Stinky?

I supposed that I should probably find out his name. Even if he was an annoying son of a bitch, he had saved my life. Calling him Stinky seemed slightly less respectful, at least for now. Then there was the nature of Zeol. What in the ball-singeing blazes had been his game? Had he felt bad about pissing me off and tried to backpedal? I’d never realized that even gods could have such wishy-washy temperaments. I had always reserved my expectation of those sorts of behaviors for people like me. But I guess I’d never interacted with a deity before. Nor had I spent time thinking about the types of beings that would occupy a magical world built on a foundation of things that drove me bonkers.

I began to make my way toward the ancient ruins of the camp when a voice popped back into my head.

I’m very sorry about all of that, Loon.

Zeol.

“Yeah, what the hell, man?” I demanded, choosing to stare up at the ceiling as that seemed… well, it was still nothing but nonsense. But it was better than staring off into space, I supposed. Besides, maybe that’s where he was looking at me from, and I wanted to make sure he didn’t miss my pissed-off expression.

I’ll get it out of the way, he said in my mind. His tone was cautious, as if he genuinely felt apologetic. However, it could have been manipulation. I’d read about abusers who did stuff like that–lost control and then apologized to regain trust so they could do it again. I wondered if this was some sociopathic tactic designed to keep me on the hook.

I did that to save your life.

Yep, totally manipulation.

“Just fuck off,” I shouted into the sky. “I don’t want any part of… whatever this is that you’re trying to do to me! I’ve seen 13 Reasons Why! I’m not an idiot. I know you’re trying to get me under your thumb!”

There was a pause. I knew Zeol wouldn’t get the reference, but I didn’t care. I had no time for this. I had to figure out a way of getting out of this cave.

I understand and empathize with your feelings, he continued, sweeping past my challenge. But, I will explain why I did what I did so that you might see a necessity behind my actions.

I ignored him. Instead, I dropped my gaze and marched over to the camp, intending to salvage what I could from the remains. Who knew? Maybe there’d be something there that would help me. All the while, Zeol continued.

When you fell, initially, before you arrived, I felt I had to intervene. I’m only allowed to do that a few times per… well, not often. If I hadn’t whisked you away, you’d have plummeted straight to the bottom.

“Well, I ended up doing that anyway,” I grumbled, only half listening.

Yes, but had I not applied the various methods I did, you would have died when you landed.

He could keep talking to me. I didn’t care. There was nothing he was going to say that would change my mind. If he wasn’t careful, I’d go into a rage again and start smashing shit up. Or maybe that was what he wanted?

Then I paused. Hadn’t the description for the Ability said that I could only do that once per day–at least at first? Shit. That meant that enough time had passed that a new day had started without me noticing, and I’d already shot my whole wad flying off the handle at the dumbass god.

I picked up a piece of a broken trowel and shoved it into my pack. I did the same with a pair of tongs and a dust-encrusted ledger. I’d pawed through the leaves of the catalog momentarily and found that the first page offered only a string of scribbles indicating unknown values in different columns. Several pages had been ripped out of the binding, with some torn pieces still clinging to the fold.

Uninteresting.

After a little more perusal, I discovered that one of the flat stones surrounding the fire pit was actually a small wooden container the size of a shoebox. I eagerly opened it to find a few items within. There were three bottles–one of them empty–lying on their sides with faded hand-written labels on them. In a neat scrawl, it read: Pepper’s Hair Tonic. I activated Analysis to discern if it was really what it claimed.

Pepper’s Hair Tonic

Rarity: ???

Item Class: ???

Durability: ???

Weight: ???

Bonuses: ???

I scowled as I read the description of the item out loud.

“‘Pepper’s Hair Tonic: To Obtain The Wave You So Desperately Crave!’”

The fuck is this shit? I wondered. It must be some fucking baller-ass Pert Plus-level scalp juice if I can’t even learn its qualities!

A dingy leather pouch was next to the bottles that clinked like loose change when I prodded it. I had to assume it contained some money, but then again, in a fantasy world, it could just as easily have been enchanted butt plugs.

Beneath the other objects, I was surprised to discover a folded pair of unusually pristine, soft sable gloves. I picked them up to examine them and put more man-hours into my identification trick.

Grenalyn’s Gussying Gauntlets

Rarity: Elusive

Item Class: Enchanted Glove

Durability: N/A

Weight: .6 lbs.

Defense: N/A

Bonuses:

+200% durability to any Two-Handed Weapon or Shield for [93] seconds

+ [0] Charges

Grants invulnerability to any Two-Handed Weapon or Shield for [93] seconds once per day.

A pair of finely crafted gloves designed to boost the durability of any Two-Handed Weapon or Shield being wielded while donned. The allotted time outcome for efficiency is IWD Axis. The number of Charges is determined by outcome for efficiency -Two-Handed or Shield Skill + Intelligence quotient.

Huh. Not bad. At least if I ever picked up the Two-Handed Weapon Skill, that is. I wasn’t sure what any of the ‘Axis’ terminology was about, but I figured I’d try to find some information once it was more relevant. I stowed the gloves in my pocket for now since I didn’t want them to get dirty in the pack with all the muddy baubles I’d just procured from my dig site.

Next, I lifted the pouch, uncinching it and reaching inside. I removed several tarnished coins so obscured by grime and age that I had to use Analysis again to determine their value.

You have acquired Copper Coins [x6]

You have acquired Silver Coins [x2]

You have acquired Gold Coins [x1]

Well, would you look at that? I was already receiving a passive income down here in the world’s sphincter. I stuffed the currency into my other coin purse and kept rooting around as Zeol continued to include me in his scheme.

I feel I must clarify for you, Loon. I fed you so that you would regain full health. I enraged you so you would survive the fall in conjunction with my previous Aegis. I placed the pastry conspicuously enough for you to notice and take so that you would either eat it--and have temporary gains--or as a last resort should you fall low enough that you were still in danger.

I couldn't restrain myself from ignoring him any longer. I snapped my head up to the ceiling.

“Yeah, and the fucking potion of Odious Stupidity?!” I demanded. “Was that to help me in some way, too? Or is this all just after-the-fact damage control so you can keep pranking me and fucking around with my mind?”

The potion of Oratory Splendor was also necessary, Zeol said softly. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to talk to you now. It has the… humorous side effect of modulating your speech for a moment, but that is not its primary purpose. Still, it is a small price to pay to communicate outside the usual parameters.

“Ooh,” I began angrily, picking up a discarded shred of leather and depositing it into my pack. “Now I can talk to a god that likes to play mind games. So cool!”

I don’t think you realize, Loon: you aren’t just able to speak with me. You’re able to talk with anyone. For the next day, you will understand all languages spoken around you. If you can listen for longer than a full minute, you will learn the basics of the language. Enough to begin gaining Ranks in it.

“I didn’t ask you to do any of that,” I said. “If this was supposed to help me, why didn’t you just tell me that from jump and save me the trouble of being confused and angry?”

I didn’t believe him, but I wanted to see what his excuse was.

I could have explained the other things to you, but the Primal Rage required you to be unaware. You cannot activate it on your own–not yet, anyway. This would have been much easier if that were the case, but it was not. Take the mechanics of this world up with someone else, not with me.

I had to trick you into becoming angry enough to ignite it. I chose not to tell you about the other buffs because I didn’t want to risk you piecing together what I was trying to do and being unable to become enraged. Those other effects have time constraints, and I needed to inform you of my request and get you back on to the Prime before they wore off. I couldn’t speak plainly about any of that because, well, the voyeurs.

I didn’t say anything. It was a good excuse, but that didn’t matter. I didn’t like people forcing me to do something against my will, no matter how pure they thought their intentions were. It removed my personal… agency, or whatever. People would treat you how you taught them to treat you, and if I didn’t set boundaries with this soul-bonded super ghost, he’d just keep stretching his influence.

I won’t bother you after this, Zeol continued. Not unless I need to, I promise. I only ask that you retrieve the item I need. It is a stone figurine that–

“You can go now,” I said severely. I didn’t want to hear Zeol’s voice ever again, and I wasn’t going to listen to it anymore.

Alright, Zeol said, sounding defeated. I understand. Just please consider–

“I said you can go,” I stated more firmly.

There was silence.

Fucking finally.

I spent several minutes looting the camp until I heard footsteps echoing off the cavern walls. I stiffened, looking for a weapon, but there wasn’t anything within a handy distance. However, I did see something interesting. My eyes seemed to zero in on a pocket of shadow near the wall that looked like the perfect place to hide. It was about twenty feet away from me, but I was in a sitting position, and that didn’t give me much time. However, without even really considering it too much, I acted. I quickly shifted forward and dived toward the spot, bringing myself into what I could only describe as a ninja roll. My chin and one of my legs were tucked to my chest, and I kept the other leg bent as I somersaulted a few times. In seconds, I was in the proper spot, and the flawless ease with which I’d performed the maneuver shocked me. Almost as if with muscle memory–though I’m not sure how–I’d whipped my cloak tight around me and felt as though I was truly hidden from view.

Holy shit! I’m so stealthy! This is fucking amazing!

Apparently, my Skill was semi-passive and required only intention to utilize it. That had to be part of the benefit of having such a beefed-up technique. My accidental advantages were really coming in as heavy hitters already. I pressed myself against the crook of the rock wall and glared at the passageway. Whoever was coming, I was ready for them.

My heart beat hard in my chest as I waited, wishing I’d thought to grab anything from my pack, even the broken trowel. Then I saw Stinky emerge with a torch and a strange look on his face. He stepped into the chamber and looked around, suddenly seeming concerned.

What’s he so pissed about?

As he began to frantically jerk his head around, it suddenly made sense.

Oh, hehe.

I’d realized with a start that he was looking for me.

Well, let’s give him a warm welcome, shall we?

As Stinky moved through the room, waving his torch around, I quietly strafed along the wall, my arms pressed flat beneath the Trespasser’s Veil. He moved near me, and I thought the jig was up until I spotted a lightless section to his left, and my body automatically responded. As he turned, I rolled forward again, moving to mirror him while staying out of his line of sight. He had no goddamn idea I was there! I was motherfucking Solid Snake!

Then, I stood up, got very close to his ear, and whispered.

“About time you showed up,” I said.

“FUCKING GODS!” Stinky wailed and swiped the air behind him. If I hadn’t been expecting it, he would have broken my nose with his elbow. Instead, I ducked, and his arm passed harmlessly overhead. I stepped back and stood back up to my full height in front of him. I was easily eight inches taller than him, but I felt a whole lot bigger from the way he recoiled.

I pointed to the shitty little firepit with a grin. “Want me to start breakfast?”

“You fucking…” Stinky began, but something was off. He didn’t have the typical gusto I’d grown accustomed to in the last few hours.

“So, uh, yeah…” I said. “This is awkward now.”

Stinky didn’t respond. I noticed he kept looking behind him at the tunnel from which he’d emerged with a baffled expression.

Is something following him?

“What’s up?” I asked, feeling my hackles rise. “And where’d you get that other torch?”

I knew that I had a bevy of extra health now, thanks to Zeol’s meddling. If there was going to be a fight, this–unfortunately–would likely be the best time. Though I didn’t know how much longer that would be the case. I quickly checked my status screen and found that I’d only been out for about an hour as there were still just under two hundred minutes remaining on the HP buff. I also noticed that my Fatigue level had gone back down to one.

I suppose that’s progress.

Stinky pointed behind him as I stood up.

“There is… something back there. I think… well, I reckon it’s a damn dungeon.”

I grew cold. There’s no way…

“What?” I asked, stepping past to look into the dark tunnel behind him. I activated Dark Vision and found just another featureless passage. However, I noticed that it twisted to the left a way down.

“Where?” I demanded, turning back to Stinky. He just shrugged.

“Down there, you idiot,” he said. “You’ve got better eyes than I do down here, orc. Use ‘em.”

I just rolled my eyes and turned back to the tunnel. I would need to investigate this to be sure. I set out at an accelerated pace–not quite a jog, but like, one of those fast little hops like people do when they have to get to the toilet but don’t want people to know they’re panicking.

I moved down the passage and followed it to the left. There were no tributaries or offshoots that I could see, so I just kept surging along as it went. Left again, then right. The trail was beginning to lighten as I continued until, almost without warning, it opened up into a massive cavern.

I stared. The chamber was enormous. Its vast innards stretched hundreds of feet ahead of me and were almost the same span in width. The ceiling here was so high that I almost couldn’t see it, even with the light filling the space with a blue-green illumination. I was standing at the top of a long, stone staircase that swept down into a bridge over a murky pool of water that glowed green from the light beyond.

At the back of the cavern was a colossal structure that took up the whole section of the wall it was seemingly hewn from. It was an irregular, almost misshapen building with two large domed areas of different sizes and a pair of tall pillars with statued figures posted atop. At the head of the edifice, not far from the other side of the bridge, was a doorway pressed into the flesh of the structure and framed by an arch. Unrecognizable symbols were etched into the curvature and were the source of the glow. The light filling the chamber poured out of the archway’s runes ominously.

As I took the lay of the land, I felt like my stomach had caved in on itself. I gulped.

This was the very same building that Zeol had shown me on the display, the one I'd made light of and felt hassled by the idea of having to pursue. The Forsaken Crypt of the Dreadnaught Lord.

“Fuck.”