《Twisted Magic》204: Ruan

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Varajas’s confession forced Ruan to confront his own version of that question. The question he’d been asking himself since this whole thing started—since he knelt in front of Donatien and asked for permission to chase Samir south—was he going to turn in Varajas?

Everything had become more complicated than when he’d first gone to the High Father. In training, they warned you about complication. That often, it was just the enemy trying to confuse you. Righteousness was never truly complicated, the teachers had said.

Ruan was ready to declare that bullshit. If, indeed, he’d ever truly believed it. More accurate was that he’d wanted to believe. It was a tempting, seductive philosophy that took all the painful decisions away and let you ignore all responsibility for your actions.

It was the philosophy he’d clung to after that disastrous day, the mire he’d sunk into. For years, now, it had been the lie he had told himself.

After reliving all of it, Ruan could barely face himself. He could see, now, how much of it had been anger and pride. How much he’d been hurt by Varajas leaving and had let that make him stop questioning the poison at the heart of the Blades.

“For what it’s worth,” he said, “I’m not reporting any of this back to Donatien.”

From across the room, Varajas’s eyes met his. “Are you going back to him? Even now?”

Varajas had always been good at masking his feelings, at staying in control, but Ruan could hear the edge of hurt, of fear, hidden beneath that calm. Still, he couldn’t lie. “I don’t know.” And then the most dangerous question of all. “What else would I do?”

Varajas opened his mouth, started to say something, then stopped, looking away. Guilt stabbed into Ruan, tinged with a hope that made it even more painful. Had Varajas been about to suggest Ruan come with him? Did he stop himself because of what had happened last time he’d asked Ruan to leave?

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How had they fucked up everything so completely?

“Whatever decision I make, I’m not making it until after I’ve had a night’s sleep.”

“Makes sense,” Varajas said. Still turned away.

One of them had to take the risk. “In truth, I have an ulterior motive.”

That got Varajas to look back at him, eyebrow raised. “Oh?”

This was it. This was his chance. Maybe his last chance. “If I do go back to Donatien, I don’t imagine you’ll ever speak to me again. And before that happens…” His mouth was too dry. He couldn’t make the words.

“Before that happens?” Varajas prompted, taking a step towards Ruan.

Ruan swallowed, took a slow breath. If Varajas said no, it would shatter him. But that was fear talking. The Varajas he knew—had always known—wasn’t going to say no. “Before that happens, I’d like us to have one more night together.”

The slow smile on Varajas’s face was his answer. An undeniable yes, and Ruan’s heart started beating again.

Until the smile fell away, and Varajas looked over at Samir.

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