Once Sewer Bard returned with a few pieces of loot (which the Chosen One said was a beautiful start to the Bard’s journey to become a true “loot goblin”), they set off back to hand in their quest.

Qube was extremely interested to know what Snugglepuss’s present was. She’d never seen a present for a cat before! Would it be salmon, or some other kind of fish? No, it’d been in the attic of a potion and tailor shop; maybe it was some kind of adorable outfit? Presumably it was something that Snugglepuss would know from scent alone — why else keep it in another location? Unless… could cats open presents?

Perhaps some herbs? Qube knew that there were some plants that sent cats crazy from the smell alone — maybe it was one of those?

By the time they reached the old Wood Elf’s home, Qube was practically vibrating with curiosity.

“A present for your pussycat,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady cooed, as she handed over the white box with the enticingly large, tantalisingly red, ribbon tied around it.

“Thank you,” the Wood Elf said. Snugglepuss, still atop the Wood Elf’s head, opened one eye, and sleepily sneezed at the Hunter. “See, Snugglepuss agrees! You’ll make a good Ruler. You have my approval.” She handed over the same wooden token that the other two groups had given them.

Did everyone have these tokens? Qube wondered. Did that mean that anyone who’d had a problem had needed to go to Ruler Wefton, or the Head Guard, and get a token, just in case Sexy Screamy Spider Lady decided to come along and help them? Or were they all just pretending to have problems, and they were all secretly fine, and this was all part of the test? That would explain why the quests had been so strange… and so easy.

“The pleasure was all mine,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said in her most gracious purr. Sewer Bard, still cheerful, bowed to the Wood Elf and the cat, both of whom ignored him.

“Okay,” the Chosen One said, his eyes bright. “Now I want you two to hand this in to the guy in charge.”

“Of course,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said. “It’s almost sundown, so we’ll have to hurry. Come, my darling,” she said, turning to Sewer Bard.

Something felt strange about what Sexy Screamy Spider Lady had just said, but Qube couldn’t quite put her finger on it. Something about her tone when talking to the Chosen One. However, Qube had rather more pressing matters at hand.

“But what was in the present?” she asked the Chosen One. “Get her to open the present… please,” she added, rather belatedly.

“I don’t know if there was anything,” the Chosen One said.

“There had to be! Why would she give him an empty box as a present?” Qube replied indignantly. The Chosen One grinned at her.

“Well, cats do like empty boxes,” he teased.

“Chosen One!” Qube resisted the urge to stamp her feet. “Please!”

“All right, all right,” the Chosen One said, holding up his hands in mock surrender. “Hey, you,” he said to the eldery Wood Elf.

“You certainly did a very good job helping her,” the Wood Elf responded randomly.

“What’s in the box?” The Chosen One ignored her interjection.

“She’s lucky to have such a strapping young man as a Head Guard. I look forward to seeing you around more.” The elderly Wood Elf gave a cackle of laughter.

The Chosen One pulled a face. He opened his mouth, then caught a glimpse of Qube’s eager expression, and closed his mouth with a snap. After a moment, he tried again:

“What was Snugglepuss’s present?” he asked patiently.

“For his birthday, Snugglepuss got a very special birthday cake,” the Wood Elf replied. “He got a fish cake.”

“Oh for crying out loud,” the Chosen One said, glaring at the sky. “You lot aren’t as funny as you think, you know.”

Qube nodded seriously. Fish cake as a present made sense. Fish were known for their strong smell, so the Wood Elf must have hidden it in a shop with other strong smells to mask the scent. Making an entire cake out of fish must have taken a lot of work! Snugglepuss was lucky to have an owner who loved him so much.

Meanwhile the Hunter and Bard had already set off, not waiting for the Chosen One, etc. to follow. Qube, her attention now free of the present mystery, noticed this breach of party etiquette and grabbed the Chosen One’s arm.

“Chosen One, we should make sure to follow them,” she advised.

“Yes, thank you,” the Chosen One said, suppressing a smile.

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady and Sewer Bard stood before the Ruler and Head Guard, with the rest of the party hiding a discreet distance away behind a tree.

There was a moment of silence as the near-Royal duo looked down at Sexy Screamy Spider Lady and Sewer Bard. Several expressions chased each other across Ruler’s Wefton’s face: confusion, blankness, and finally pride.

“Our daughter, we are pleased at your success,” he intoned. “It seems we were wise to allow you to leave the Forbidden Forest.”

“I have learned many things,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady replied formally. “I have tasted the pleasures of the outside world,” she added, less formally.

“I see you have found yourself a competent Head Guard,” Head Guard Alash said, looking directly at Sewer Bard. “What is your name, young Bard?”

The Chosen One practically jumped a foot in the air.

“She knows it’s Sewer Bard!” he exclaimed.

“Well, not yet,” Qube pointed out. “She only knows he’s a Bard.”

The Chosen One didn’t seem to be listening. Instead, he was pacing back and forth, watching the four in front of them like a predator eyes its prey.

“I am known as Sewer Bard,” the eponymous Bard replied with a bow.

“How?” the Chosen One muttered to himself. He swung to look at Qube. “You didn’t heal her or anything like that, did you?”

“Of course not!” Qube said. “I would never [Heal] someone without a good reason! And Head Guard Alash no doubt has access to more than enough Healers to take care of any injuries she might get.”

“Okay, so, if not that…” the Chosen One trailed off.

“I’m glad she has found someone with such a strong name,” Head Guard Alash said, with surprising diplomacy. “I feared, when you left with that Rogue, that you would fall into bad company, but I see my fears were unfounded.”

“Wait, seriously?” the Chosen One shouted. Everyone turned and looked at him. The Chosen One flushed, and ducked back behind the tree.

“I know,” Qube sympathised, patting his shoulder. “I would have thought she would recognise a Fighter, but maybe she didn’t get a very good look at you?” Privately, Qube was indignant that the Head Guard hadn’t closely studied the Chosen One, as he was the most important person in the world right now, but she didn’t want to make the Chosen One feel even worse about the situation.

The Chosen One, however, was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to pay any attention to her emotional support.

“This is amazing,” he was saying quietly. “The implications are messed up, but this is still amazing.”

Qube nodded her agreement. The fact that someone who was supposed to be Head Guard was either so unobservant that she couldn’t tell the difference between a Fighter and a Rogue, or so proud that she just made up things rather than admit she forgot what class the Chosen One was, did seem amazing, and also “messed up.”

“I am, as always, glad to be of service,” Sewer Bard said, bowing to the Head Guard and Ruler. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady shot him a provocative look from under her many eyelashes.

“He has most definitely serviced not only myself, but the entire party,” she said, with a sly smile. Sewer Bard’s polite diplomatic facade slipped slightly, as he violently coughed.

“Far be it for me to disagree with a lady,” he said, once he’d finished coughing.

“So, like, is this them doing their own thing right now, or this is how it’s supposed to go if you picked the Rogue…” the Chosen One trailed off, studying the duo intently.

“You have proven that you have the spirit to soothe your people’s day-to-day worries,” Ruler Wefton said, ignoring this by-play. “Now we shall test your reflexes and ability to think quickly. In a nearby clearing there are several tests. Each shall give you a token. Return to us when you have three tokens.”

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady gave her complicated curtsey, and Sewer Bard gave a flourishing bow. Watching the pair, a traitorous part of Qube couldn’t help but think that they were a remarkably well-suited couple. Shooting a look at the Chosen One, she could only hope that he wasn’t being consumed by jealousy.

If he was, he was doing a stellar job of hiding it. As the duo approached their tree he popped out, clapping Sewer Bard on the back, staggering the smaller man.

“Well done!” he said cheerfully. “I knew this would be interesting! And who knows, maybe this means that you’ll become the relationship target! Good luck!”

“Thank you, Noble Patron,” Sewer Bard said, looking confused. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, tossing her long brown hair over her shoulder joints, turned and faced a roughly-hewn path out of the village.

“All right, let’s go check out these tests!” the Chosen One said, oblivious to his lady-love’s cold shoulder.

---

“Here’s the token, plain as you can see,” the Wood Elf said, holding aloft the wooden item. “And here it goes under the middle clam shell. Nothing up my sleeves! Now watch carefully! Around, around, around it goes, and where it stops, nobody knows!”

The Wood Elf, wearing a strange red and white striped outfit, started swapping around the three clam shells, faster and faster until Qube could barely keep track of which one the token was hiding under.

The Chosen One, never the best at focusing, was looking totally baffled.

“It’s the one on the left,” Qube helpfully told him.

“I knew that!” he replied defensively. “But this is for Sewer Bard and Sexy Screamy Spider Lady! You shouldn’t give them hints!”

Qube gave a squeak of dismay, and slapped her hands over her mouth.

From half a field away the Hunter and Bard were standing in front of the trio of clams, arguing over which was correct.

“I believe it to be the middle one, my sweet Hunter,” Sewer Bard was saying.

“I feel it to be the right one,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady replied.

“Noble Patron,” Sewer Bard said, turning and looking over his shoulder at the Chosen One.

“My darling,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady cooed at the Hero.

Definitely Bad Guy, who hadn’t said anything in quite some time, closed the book he’d been reading with a snap.

“This is pointless,” he said.

“I think it’s a unique way to test their attention to detail,” Qube said. The Mage looked at her, his eyes narrowing.

“This is true,” he said reluctantly. “But I despise this damp place, and the greenery everywhere. You’d think Elves would be more civilised than to live in an overgrown garden.”

Qube scowled.

“There’s nothing uncivilised about living in a jungle, forest, or woods,” she said.

“Attagirl,” the Chosen One said. Definitely Bad Guy flushed, but before he could reply Sewer Bard and Sexy Screamy Spider Lady interrupted.

“Which one do you think is correct, Noble Patron?” Sewer Bard asked from his relatively remote position.

“Yes, darling, tell us which one is right,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady purred dangerously.

“Uh-uh,” the Chosen One shook his head. “You two gotta figure this out for yourselves. I ain’t about to help you. After all, this is your trial.” He grinned, razor-sharp. “It’s already been so interesting. I can’t wait to see what happens next.”