Definitely Bad Guy slowly walked in a circle around Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, his eyes pulsing bright red as he examined her. Eventually he released the spell, his eyes reverting back to normal. By the time they’d arrived at his Wizard Tower, the Mage had announced that he was planning on examining not only Qube, but Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, as well. He’d explained that, ages ago, when he’d been looking at her through the same spell, he had detected a curse on her, and had just been waiting to return to his Tower to examine her properly.

After only token resistance, Sexy Screamy Spider Lady had agreed.

“It is definitely some kind of curse,” he said, turning to the group. They were standing in the main room of his Wizard’s Tower, the amplifying power of his various artefacts enhancing his abilities. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady looked down at her claws. She flexed them a few times, seemingly fascinated by the action.

“So… I don’t look like a beautiful wood elf anymore?” she asked Definitely Bad Guy. “I look like the same monster I was back in the Forbidden Forest?”

“You have never appeared as anything other than a hideous monster to me,” Definitely Bad Guy said in what was possibly supposed to be an effort to comfort.

Qube was starting to suspect that Definitely Bad Guy didn’t have very good social skills.

“It is an intriguing curse. Very well done, professionally speaking. If, as you stated, this ‘Dryad Queen’ was involved in the curse process, it would be worth seeking her out and seeing if she can assist in its removal. At the very least, she would have more information.”

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady turned to the others. Looking at her face, Qube could tell that she was distressed. Quite when Qube had learned how to read the facial expressions of a giant arachnid she wasn’t sure. If you had told her, back in the village, that one day she would be able to look into a giant spider face and only see a lost and confused friend, she would have… probably been very excited about it, to be honest.

“Do I appear as a hideous monster to all of you?” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady asked in a hollow voice.

Squiggles, perhaps sensing her distress, climbed up her limbs and wrapped her tentacles around her. Sewer Bard bowed deeply to her.

“I must confess, your visage at first was one of the most delicate beauty. You looked like a wood elf princess. But I saw your current form in the Forest Temple. After that, you reverted back to your original wood elf form.”

“But what do you see me as now?” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady insisted.

“I see a brave, talented Hunter who makes my heart sing,” Sewer Bard said sincerely.

“That means he sees you as a monster too,” the Chosen One helpfully translated.

“Your current form is that of a spider, yes,” Sewer Bard said through slightly gritted teeth.

“I see. And you two?” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady turned her many eyes towards Qube and Chosen One.

Qube felt oddly guilty. It felt like she should have known that her dear friend didn’t know that she was a giant spider covered in the endlessly screaming faces of children. But, well, how was she to know that she didn’t know? It wasn’t like it would have ever been appropriate to say “by the way, I couldn’t help but notice you were a hideous beast. Were you aware of this fact?”

“How do you see yourself?” Qube asked, trying to buy herself time to think of a good way to phrase “you’ve always looked like a monster to me.”

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady frowned in thought.

“It … changes,” she said eventually. “Sometimes I see myself as a beautiful wood elf, other times as my … current form. It’s as if there’s two of me.” She gave a flickering smile, a hint of her normal self. “Double the fun,” she laughed breathily. “Is this why it’s so hard to get in touch with myself?” She shook her head, looking frustrated at herself, before continuing in a more thoughtful voice: “Or maybe it’s why I feel like I’m heading towards something, or someone else. I thought seeing myself as a spider was just a hold over from the curse, but it appears I was seeing my true self.” She paused, seeming to come out of her remunerations.

“But you have not answered the question, my sweet Healer,” she gently chided Qube. Qube flushed.

“I thought you were adopted,” she confessed. “Because your parents looked… I mean that is to say… I didn’t… yes.”

The Chosen One shrugged.

“You always looked like a giant screamy mess to me,” he casually confirmed. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady blinked all her eyes at him.

“So you’ve never seen me as anything other than this beast?” she asked oddly.

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool to be honest,” the Chosen One replied.

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady put her claws over her thorax, all her eyes now shining with unshed tears.

“So — all this time, I was afraid that you wanted me partly because of my physical appearance. But you’ve been courting me because of who I am.”

“We’re not courting,” the Chosen One hastily interjected. “No one said we were courting. I don’t even know what that means.”

“Oh Chosen One,” she said dreamily. “I’ve felt the chemistry between us. I know I’m the one destined for you. You even unlocked my special heart quest. And to think you’ve desired me despite my appearance.”

“Your appearance has nothing to do with this!” the Chosen One said, slightly agitated. “The fact that you look like a giant spider has absolutely nothing to do with anything! I don’t even care that you look like a giant spider!”

“So romantic!” Qube gasped. Even Sewer Bard looked impressed by this grand declaration. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady reached out and grasped the Chosen One’s hands.

“Thank you,” she said simply.

“Don’t thank me!” The Chosen One flailed his hands, trying to free them. “There’s nothing to thank me for!”

“Noble Patron, I did not suspect you were such a true gentleman,” Sewer Bard said. Definitely Bad Guy was watching this exchange with great interest. He seemed to be taking notes in a book. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady released the Chosen One, and turned to Definitely Bad Guy, ignoring the Chosen One’s spluttering.

“I will return to the Dryad Queen, and seek her wisdom on this matter,” she said dramatically, with no innuendo for once. “But this has given me great comfort and enlightenment. Thank you, Mage Advisor.”

For the first time, she looked at Definitely Bad Guy with something approaching approval. The Mage gave her a curt nod, and put away his book. He looked at Qube.

“Shall I examine you now?” he asked her, slightly hesitant.

“Of course!” she replied cheerfully, and stepped into the same runic circle that had, until recently, held Sexy Screamy Spider Lady.

His examination of her was only slightly more awkward than his examination of Sexy Screamy Spider Lady. After staring at her, walking in a circle, throwing various herbs at her (all of which she promptly picked up and returned to him) and finally waving his hands about, he gave up.

“I cannot tell if it is the curse that has impacted your mana pool, or something else,” he said to her, his shoulders slumped. “I cannot access it. All I can say is that your curse must be the work of the Evil Emperor, to withstand all my probing.”

“Thank you for trying,” Qube said understandingly. She hesitated, painfully aware of everyone else just standing around in the room. How she wished she could ask him for training on curses! Instead, she tilted her head to the side and smiled. “I’m sure we’ll figure out something!”

Definitely Bad Guy cleared his throat, turning and putting away some of his herbs.

“Quite,” he said, his back to her.

“Okay, what’s next on the list?” the Chosen One said, staring off into the distance. “Ooo, shopping!”

Qube hid a groan.

---

To his credit, the Chosen One did spend a fair amount of time trying to get various vendors to put Squiggles in as many outfits as possible. Every time he managed to attach another accessory to her, or get some face paint to stick, he would fall about laughing. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady declined any personal shopping, and instead made sure to talk the shopkeepers into giving them every possible accessory that would fit on a young sharktopus. None of them actually really fit, but she seemed pleased anyway. Qube noticed she was also a lot more careful about where she was standing, trying to remain in the middle of the store and avoiding getting too close to the shelves or merchandise.

While the Chosen One would occasionally wince at some of the prices, he never once suggested that the money could be used for anything else or shouldn’t be spent by the group.

“Are you sure you don’t want anything?” he asked Qube, for the third time.

“I’m perfectly happy with my books, Chosen One!” Qube replied warmly. “After all, clothes wouldn’t do me any good, and no one can see my face, so I don’t require face paint. I really like the black on Squiggles though.”

Squiggles had managed to get her face into a tub of paint, and now had black paint running down her cheeks, for all the world like her little black eyes were melting. She wagged her tail in glee, knocking several expensive-looking perfume vials about. Qube smiled at how adorable she was.

The tailor, for once, had no new outfits for them.

“Come back later, and I might have something new,” he kept saying. The Chosen One scratched his head.

“I guess we must not need anything special for the next Temple?” he said uncertainly.

“How would the tailor know what we need for the Temple?” Qube asked. “He probably just doesn’t have any new stock.” In truth, she didn’t understand the tailor’s business practice, or how he stayed in business. Only selling such a small selection of outfits, and refusing to sell fire- or water-proof material unless certain conditions were met? It was a wonder he was in business at all!

The rest of the shopping, however, was normal Chosen One fare. He would argue with the shopkeepers about their prices, attempt to try and find out what kind of “logistics they were running,” interrogate them about something called their “profit margins,” and generally confuse everyone he came into contact with.

“How much is a loaf of bread?” he asked Mr. Igma, who looked displeased in general and displeased in particular that the Chosen One was once again in his shop.

“Three copper,” Mr. Igma replied implacably.

“Right, but how much is this bag of flour?”

“Five copper,” Mr. Igma replied.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” the Chosen One argued passionately. “It’s not like this is a bakery. There’s no mass production to reduce costs. Why is plain flour so much more expensive than —”

Qube had long since stopped trying to understand what the Chosen One was talking about. If even the merchants, who dealt with such matters every day, couldn’t seem to grasp the concepts that the Chosen One was talking about, she knew she had no chance. She still listened, of course, because it was her duty to do so, but trying to make logic out of his reasoning was something she put to the side.

The Chosen One, for all his good virtues, just didn’t seem to understand how the world really worked.

“Right,” the Chosen One said, having finished terrorising all the various vendors to his satisfaction. He looked at Sewer Bard. “There wasn’t anything you wanted to do, was there?”

“No, Noble Patron,” Sewer Bard said, idly strumming his lute.

“Cool, right, I’m probably forgetting a bunch of stuff but —”

“You did, however, mention returning to the volcano at some point,” Sewer Bard smoothly interjected.

“Oh yeah!” The Chosen One brightened up. “Double shops!”

Qube looked at Sewer Bard, trying to stop her eye from twitching.

“Of course,” she said. “How could we forget? Double shops!”

“Right, time to set off to the volcano! And you know what this means?” the Chosen One grinned wildly. “Time to bring back Scaley-waley!”