The three Bandits clutched each other in fear as Sexy Screamy Spider Lady approached them.

“W-w-what should we do, boss?” the little one asked.

“W-we ain’t no low-level dirty dogs that would hit a dame,” the trio’s leader said, drawing himself up. “S-so we’re gonna do the only thing we can. We’re gonna RUN!” And, with that, the three of them took off, somehow kicking up a cloud of dust from the stone-paved road.

“Well, that was a bit of an anti-climax.” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said, using half her screaming children’s faces to try and make little kissing motions at the retreating Bandits. The Chosen One ignored her, immediately moving to open up the various knapsacks and boxes surrounding the Bandits’ cave.

“My only regret is that you had to get close enough to those brutes that they were able to breathe the same air you had,” Sewer Bard said earnestly, grasping one of Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s many arms and kissing the back of her claw. “It should be a crime for them to even gaze upon your beauty.”

Qube didn’t think much of the Bandits’ intelligence. The fact that they were more concerned with Sexy Screamy Spider Lady being, well, a lady, as opposed to the fact that she was a giant talking spider covered in stitched-on children’s faces that spent most of their time soundlessly screaming spoke poorly of their threat assessment abilities.

Unless in Grease, Sexy Screamy Spider Ladies were so common that they had the word “dame” to refer to them. Qube made a mental note to find a library in Cobbletown and research this place more thoroughly.

Chosen One stood up, dusting off his hands. “Okay, loot acquired. Let’s go check out the cave.” He went and stood at the cave’s opening.

The entrance to the Bandit’s cave was strange. She could see a short distance into it, but then there was some kind of black veil obscuring her vision, stopping her from being able to look deep inside. It was almost as if it were absorbing the light somehow. Some kind of defence so people couldn’t just stand at the cave entrance and shoot the Bandits when they were sleeping? She would have to see if Definitely Bad Guy knew anything about protection spells.

He didn’t seem worried though, so maybe it was safe?

The Chosen One was swallowed up by the dark veil as he marched into the cave. Qube felt the world stutter for a second before she walked in after him.

---

“How is there a bear in here?” Qube screamed as her [Lesser Shield] wrapped itself around the Chosen One.

The Chosen One didn’t answer, as he was too busy rolling towards a random pillar in the middle of the cave. It wasn’t a big cave, just a small grotto with a deep pool of water, some sunlight filtering in through a hole in the cave top, some mushrooms, and a giant angry bear.

Was it a talking animal companion to the three Bandits? Why had they abandoned it, then?

“Hello, can you understand us?” she called out to the bear, only to be ignored. Oh, right. Invisibility curse.

The giant bear swiped at the Chosen One, its claws sliding off his shield. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady pulled a bow and arrow out of her body, Sewer Bard started strumming his lute, green mana threading out, and Definitely Bad Guy summoned a giant fireball. The Chosen One rolled again as the bear lunged at him…

Only to get stuck halfway inside the pillar.

It started jogging in place, trying to free itself, but the entire front half of it had somehow phased through the pillar, leaving it trapped, unable to defend itself from the party. The Chosen One stopped rolling around and sprang up, drawing his Sacred Sword.

“Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, Definitely Bad Guy, let’s check out your attacks,” he said, stepping back.

“Nothing would give me more pleasure,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said, and, her bow melding with her four arms, shot the bear in the rump. The bear screamed in pain.

“Stand aside, and witness the power of a true Mage! [Lesser Fireball]!” Definitely Bad Guy said, before hurling his fireball at the bear. Qube, remembered the fireball he had summoned back in his Wizard’s Tower, hit the ground, covering the back of her head.

Instead, a tiny fireball flew from his fingers and smacked into the bear’s rump next to Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s arrow, causing the bear to roar, and a circle of black soot appeared on the bear’s flank.

Qube looked at the mark in confusion. That wasn’t the giant fireball he’d used before! Why was he using such a weak attack? Could it be that without all the artifacts within his Wizard Tower he just wasn’t very strong? Was that why he hadn’t wanted to leave?

Or… was it that he didn’t want to hurt a poor, dumb animal? Qube felt her heart warm. His Goodness was humbling. And he was right! She couldn’t just idly lie on the ground while they attacked an innocent creature! Even though she’d been the one to suggest they engage in combat training to improve their team fighting abilities, she hadn’t meant for this to happen! They had to fight actual Evil monsters!

“Chosen One, stop!” she yelled. Chosen One turned and looked at her in surprise. “We shouldn’t attack the Bandits’ pet! It’s done nothing wrong!” The Chosen One’s look of surprise turned into one of absolute shock. As he stared at her, Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, not being able to hear Qube, shot another arrow into the side of the bear, causing it to give an agonised roar, stumbling as its hind legs gave out, but still unable to remove itself from the pillar.

Qube could stand it no longer.

“[Heal!]” she cried, her mana bursting forth and shooting into the bear. The bear staggered, then seemed to hit something within the pillar and was sent flying, landing near the dark veil at the cave’s entrance, trapping them inside. It roared again, twitching and randomly clawing at the air as Qube’s spell infused it.

“What-?” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady blinked as her arrow hit the now-empty pillar. “Is that a Bear Mage?”

The bear looked at Qube for the first time, its tiny red eyes still tearful from the pain, before it took a step backwards to avoid another small fireball from Definitely Bad Guy, stepping into the black veil and instantly disappearing.

The Chosen One continued to look at Qube.

“Did you want to tell me what that was about?” he asked, sounding almost stern.

Qube blanched. She’d never seen the Chosen One look at her so seriously.

“I just - it was clearly a pet of some kind to those Bandits, and so it didn’t seem right to just… attack it,” she said, shifting uneasily as the Chosen One’s eyes unfocused and he muttered something she didn’t quite catch.

“Noted,” he said, in a strangely professional tone. “Speak up if you have any more thoughts like that.” He refocused on her, then tilted his head and smiled. “You really are interesting,” he said. Qube went bright pink with pleasure.

Definitely Bad Guy bristled.

“I think we should move on to the next objective,” he nearly snapped.

Qube flushed. She would have to find some way to explain to Definitely Bad Guy that he wasn’t allowed to be jealous of the Chosen One like that! Oh! She had never thought that being the Chosen One’s Childhood Companion would lead to her getting tangled in a romantic mess!

The Chosen One looked at Definitely Bad Guy blankly.

“Sure. Let’s keep moving, then?” he said quizzically.

The rest of the Forbidden Forest quests were completed without issue, the only interruptions being when the Chosen One demanded they return to the forest to rest every 8 hours for the “experience boost.” Definitely Bad Guy seemed unable to summon as powerful a fireball as when he had been in his Wizard’s Tower, leading Qube to assume that Wizard’s Towers were very important for full-blown Mages. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady finally calmed down after the excitement from her driving three grown men off with her pure raw sexuality, and Sewer Bard … well, he was still Sewer Bard.

Although he did seem able to hear Qube some of the time, now.

“Tell me, my sweet Healer, what made you want to dedicate your life to helping others? Was it your natural empathy, or was there some traumatic event that made you determined to save those in need?” he asked Qube as the others fought a giant walking mushroom with teeth.

“I glowed silver when they put me next to the Golden Prophecy, and I was the only Potential Companion with mana,” Qube explained, as she shielded and healed the party. Sewer Bard wrinkled his forehead as he tried to hear her.

“You were the only silver mana?” he hazarded a guess. “That’s true, I have noticed your mana is a delicate, fine silver colour.” He strummed his lute, and green notes sprang forth, guiding Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s arrows to greater accuracy. “I had no idea that would make you want to become a Healer! Truly your heart must be so pure to produce a silver mana …” He broke off, suddenly awkward, as his green mana continued to dance from his lute.

“Uh, I assure you, my lady, that my green mana is not from my heart being sick, unless you count being sick with longing to see you once again with my own eyes!” he said hurriedly.

Qube preferred it when he couldn’t hear her.

---

“Right, grinding done!” the Chosen One said, throwing the last berries at an enthusiastic wood elf.

“I thought we were questing?” Qube said.

“Yeah, grinding quests,” the Chosen One failed to explain, before rooting around inside his backpack.

“Looks like we’ve got everything we need for the Fire Temple. All right, everyone, change into your fireproof clothing,” Chosen One said, tossing bundles of clothing at everyone. Qube caught hers, and had to stop herself from dancing in excitement.

She had never had new clothes before! Her entire life she’d been wearing her short sleeved Healer robe. Even as a child, she had spent her years running around in her Healer outfit. Clothing was insanely expensive, and Mr Igma had only ever sold rings or bracelets. It had taken the Chosen One selling everything he’d just taken out of the shops to buy everyone even the most basic of fireproof clothing, with the frost resistant clothing not available to him until he’d finished the Fire Temple. Qube wasn’t entirely sure why a salesperson would turn away a willing customer just because they hadn’t “defeated” a Fire Temple.

… Actually, now that she thought about it, no one had ever stolen the heart of the Fire Temple. That was the whole point of the Golden Prophecy, so why had the tailor even had such a wide variety of frost resistant clothing for sale? Given how expensive the outfits were, why would they waste such a large amount of resources creating outfits that were, by definition, only capable of being sold to one customer, and then refuse to sell it to said customer?

Qube frowned deeply as she reviewed their encounter with Cobbletown’s tailor. There must be something very strange going on with them, she decided. She would have to advise the Chosen One to regard them with suspicion. Their display windows had been quite large, a heavy hint that whoever was inside the place was Evil, but Qube had thought it was simply to show off their wares.

In the future, she would not be so naive.

“Think quick!” the Chosen One called as he threw Qube’s bundle of clothing at her. Qube flinched, and the clothing hit her face and fell to the floor.

“That’s what you say before you throw people into pits!” she scolded as she picked up her clothes. “Can you tell Sexy Screamy Spider Lady that there’s some trees over there we can change… behind…” She blinked as she realised that Sexy Screamy Spider Lady had somehow managed to already change her outfit. Her off the shoulder chest binding had been replaced with a bright red one, and the short skirt popping in and out of her abdomen was red with a scale pattern on it. Even her brown boots had changed into very impractical looking bright red high heels, creating a dizzying display as she moved all her feet.

Looking around, everyone was already fully changed.

“Oh, I’ll… I’ll just go change by myself then,” Qube said, rather primly, and quickly shuffled out of view, clutching her package.