“Halt!”

They’d made it about three steps into the Forbidden Forest before they got stopped. A small, twisted little creature stood in front of them, holding a spear bigger than it. The creature looked like a mix between a frog and a giant acorn.

Qube screamed. The acorn-frog ignored her, looking at the Chosen One and Sewer Bard.

“You may not enter without the mark of Mother Gothel!” It croaked.

The Chosen One rummaged around in his backpack.

“Wait, I’ve got it right here. No. Wait. Hmm. I really need to organise this better. Mark… mark… l m n o p, so it would be… aha!” He triumphantly held the wooden plaque aloft.

The guard nodded solemnly. “You’d better hurry, Hero, if you want your friend back.” Qube looked at the guide in confusion, then looked at the Sewer Bard, who was starting to look a little worried himself. Maybe the guard knew that the mark meant Mother Gothel had a prisoner, and just hadn’t yet heard that they’d broken the curse? It made sense, they’d travelled without stopping (except to pick various herbs) so the news couldn’t have reached the Forbidden Forest before them.

A half smile quirked at the Chosen One’s lips, amused at a private joke.

“Oh this is gonna be good.” He laughed quietly. He practically skipped forward, a pretty impressive thing to see of someone in full plate armour (minus the helmet, of course, because only villains wore face coverings). After a few skips he stopped, disappointed.

“Huh, I thought something was going to dramatically break.” He said, turning back to Sewer Bard and Qube, who had yet to step past the guard. “Oh hey, there’s the village.” Just a little bit down the path they could see the (thatched, as prophesied) roofs of about twelve different huts. “Come on.” The Hero of All Living Creatures said and so Sewer Bard and Qube stepped past the guard.

For the second time that night the entire world fell apart.

Honestly, it was starting to annoy Qube. Was this normal for places outside the village? She thought as the world seemed to ripple before her, dead trees suddenly bursting into leaf, dilapidated huts standing upright and the villagers switching from hostile positions to happy dancing. Granted, the villagers were all still horrifying abominations of forest items mashed together and given life, but they were a lot more pleasant to watch dance than pointing weapons at them. Just.

One of the abominations was a giant spider with screaming children’s faces stitched along its sides. It was standing on its hind four legs, its swollen abdomen dragging along the ground. Its top four legs were against its middle joint, for all the world like a human with their hands on their hips. Long brown hair sprang from its top screaming face, ignoring its green tipped fangs.

But strangest of all, it was wearing clothes. Not much was covered, true, but it had a short brown leather skirt on the top of its abdomen, and a one shouldered crop top around where a human’s bust would be. There was also a crossbow slung over its shoulder, but that part made more sense. A spider wouldn’t want to get into a slugging match, after all.

It strut towards them, swinging its pseudo hips in a decidedly disturbing manner.

“Looks like you had it in you after all, Hero.” The decidedly female sounding spider said in a husky voice. Although it was opening its mouth and clicking its fangs, the voice seemed to emanate from somewhere within it.

The Chosen One stepped back, horrified. Qube hid behind him and got ready to cast.

“I suppose I’d better hook up with you lot then, make sure to keep the Dryad Queen’s sacred gem safe, huh?” Half of her eyes winked provocatively.

“What, cat got your tongue? Or are you just surprised to see me in my true form?” The giant spider leaned forward, making her top shift strangely. A screaming face peeked cheekily out from the suddenly exposed ...skin? Exoskeleton? Carapace? Qube couldn’t remember what spiders had.

“Noble Patron!” The Sewer Bard said, his voice quivering with emotion. “You didn’t tell me you had encountered such a paragon of beauty in the Forbidden Forest!” He bowed to the spider lady. “Would it be presumptuous of me to ask for an introduction?”

The spider gave a throaty laugh.

“Well my form has changed somewhat since the Dryad Queen’s heart was returned to her.” She confessed. “This place was under a terrible curse, where all the Forbidden Forest’s inhabitants had been mutated into horrible creatures. As soon as her heart was returned to her though, the spell was broken, and we have all been returned to our true selves.” Her fangs quirked in a facsimile of a smile. “I suppose you were the one being held prisoner?”

The Sewer Bard smiled back at the spider, but he looked slightly pained. “I… was to be held prisoner, yes.”

The Chosen One sighed and waved at the two. “Sexy screamy spider lady, this is Sewer Bard. Sewer Bard, meet sexy screamy spider lady.”

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady popped her abdomen out to the side and leant forward even further.

“It is a pleasure to meet you, Sewer Bard.” She purred. “I’ll be the Hunter of your little band.” She licked her dripping fangs.

“Oh, I hate this.” The Chosen One said, angling himself as far away from the Hunter as possible. “It’s a beautiful mess. I love it. But I also hate it.”

“So this… this is your true form?” Qube asked shakily, still hiding behind the Chosen One. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady ignored her, instead continuing to stare at the Chosen One. The Chosen One looked over his shoulder at Qube and, with a grin, slung his arm around her shoulder and pulled her forward. Qube tried to cringe away from the horrifying creature but couldn’t move with his arm around her.

“So, you were a giant spider. What are you now?” The Chosen One asked.

“What, you’ve never seen a full blooded wood elf before?” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady scoffed. “No wonder you’re so shaken. We’re a lot to… handle.” Somehow the spider wriggled her top screaming child’s face’s eyebrows as she ran her pronged claws down her body.

Qube felt the Chosen One shudder slightly.

“Yup, that’s definitely what’s happening here.” He said. “I am just uncomfortable with your raw sexuality. So. If you could reign it in, I would appreciate that. Thanks.”

It was difficult to tell, what with the fangs and screaming faces and all, but Qube thought Sexy Screamy Spider Lady looked a little nonplussed.

“Oh, sure.” She said eventually. After a moment she recovered her poise and smirked, “I’ll wait until you tell me you want me... to be my full self, Hero.”

“See, that’s what I’m talking about.” The Chosen One said. “Less of that. No one wants that.”

“I do.” The Sewer Bard muttered.

“No one.” The Chosen One said sternly. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady pouted, which was frankly horrifying to witness.

It was, Qube thought, really quite cruel of the Chosen One to stop Sexy Screamy Spider Lady from expressing herself how she wanted to. Sure, neither he nor Qube might personally enjoy the sight of a giant spider with screaming children’s faces on it acting flirtatiously, but she was still entitled to talk and act without being shamed.

On the other hand, the Chosen One had the right to be comfortable in his party and not have to deal with sexual innuendo that he’d made clear was unwelcome.

On the other, other hand, if the only reason it made him uncomfortable was because it was coming from a giant spider covered in human faces, was it not just discrimination against the differently beautiful?

On the other, other, other hand, should Sexy Screamy Spider Lady be allowed to continue with her delusion that she was a fully blooded wood elf rather than a giant spider? Assuming, of course, that the appearance of a full blooded wood elf was not, in fact, that of a giant spider with forever screaming kids erupting out of it? What if she, Qube, was being prejudiced by thinking that full blooded wood elves had to look a certain way?

Qube was officially stuck in a worry spiral.

“Right!” The Chosen One said, thankfully breaking Qube out of her thoughts. “Time to go see what kind of unholy mess the Forbidden Forest dungeon is in.”

“There are no dungeons here, my Hero.” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said. In deference to the Chosen One’s wishes, she didn’t wink at him.

“Temple, whatever,” The Chosen One waves her words away, “the place where the Dryad Queen’s heart was.”

“Possibly the giant tree towering over everything?” Qube suggested. The Chosen One squinted at the blackened dead tree that reached to the sky. A large black doorway was carved in the space between its above ground roots.

“Yeah probably.” He conceded.

“Are you going to be leaving this humble jungle, my Hero?” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady asked the Chosen One.

“Technically?” The Chosen One said.

“Then please, take me. It would be an honour to serve you on your journey. My life is yours to command.” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said as non-provocatively as she could. She still flinched, as if whipped. Avoiding sexuality seemed to be physically painful for her, as far as Qube could determine. Given Qube was attempting to analyse the facial expression of several screaming faces and a spider, it was rather difficult to tell. Possibly she was Prophecy bound to be sexy? The Golden Prophecy hadn’t mentioned anything about romance, but perhaps it had to do with a different reading of taking the forest’s heart. Perhaps the Chosen One and Sexy Screamy Spider Lady were destined to fall in love?

Qube spared a glance for Sewer Bard, who seemed entranced by the giant spider woman skittering alongside them.

Or maybe it was Sewer Bard who was destined to win this denizen of the forest’s favour? While she had originally thought him shallow and annoying, as well as painfully shy for all his bragging, he had really shown her his worth this night. He was not, as she had first supposed, at all concerned with the appearance of women. Instead he had fallen in love with Mother Gothel, a wizened old witch, and now he was looking at a true abomination with stars in his eyes. He saw deeper than the skin, and had seen the inner beauty of both women: one her Queenly nature, the other her bravery in offering to help save the world, while Qube had let herself be swayed by their physical appearance.

Qube was ashamed of herself. Silently she vowed to be more like Sewer Bard, and look for the inner spirit of each person, rather than be put off by the fact that they had eternally screaming children’s faces stitched to their giant hairy spider bodies. She smiled at him mistily but he, still being shy around her no doubt, did not look at her.

Unless the reason he didn’t want to interact with her was that her inner soul was hideous.

No, that couldn’t be it. She was the Prophecy Approved Companion, that meant she was Good.

Bolstered by her belief in the Golden Prophecy and her place within it, Qube wasn’t even threatened when the Chosen One told Sexy Screamy Spider Lady that she could join their party. And, having vowed to be better, she didn’t even allow herself to be repulsed when Sexy Screamy Spider Lady did a sexy victory dance at joining the team. The Chosen One, however, had used his arm around Qube to push her in front of him, so she got the throbbing abdomen thrust in her face instead. But that was fine, Qube told herself as the Chosen One hid behind her, laughing, the Sewer Bard started demanding his own spidery lap dance and the children’s screaming faces seemed to make eye contact with Qube. It was all part of being the perfect Companion.

This was fine.

This… was her destiny.