I stared.

"Uh, sorry, what the fuck?"

"Welcome to Regaia, sojourner," the voice said again. It had a flat, almost monotone quality, but still friendly. I hated it immediately.

"This isn't heaven then, because this is stupid."

"You are correct," the voice said. "This is not heaven. This is Regaia, a world of magic."

"Ah, hell," I said, frowning. This was not good. Something had gone awry, and now I was in a coma or some shit, being pumped full of fluids in a hospital. I had always thought of myself as tough—despite some contrary anecdotes, but I didn't realize I was sturdy enough to survive a train wreck. I had outdone myself this time.

"Well, who are you?" I asked, annoyed. I hated being patient, which was exacerbated because whatever this thing was didn't seem content to talk without prompting.

"I do not have a name. I am simply a guide for you in this first step."

“Aw, man, no name? My creativity is on overdrive right now. Thanks a ton, coma brain.”

I waited for any sort of reaction from the weird… cloud flashlight? But I didn’t hear a peep from it. Sighing, I tried to usher it into revealing more information.

"What's the first step?" I asked.

"Selection," the voice said.

Let’s just get this over with.

"What am I selecting? I hope it's whether or not to make you disappear, because, spoilers, I'm going to pull the trigger on that."

"How very droll," the voice said. "You seem to be one who is easily irritated and without much intellect.”

“That goes double for you, toots,” I said with a smirk. “I'm fresh out of fucks to give for big spheres of glowing jizz.”

The orb was silent for a moment, and I got the impression it was trying to get the measure of me, a fact that I hated. Everyone thought they could just figure me out with a passing glance.

Well, go ahead, I thought, do your worst, you big gelatinous idiot.

“I will now conduct an assessment of your abilities,” the creature said.

Told you.

“Based on your specializations,” it said, “you may be offered additional options."

"Options?" I wondered aloud. "Additional options to what?"

"To the typical starting races and classes," the voice said, annoyingly matter-of-fact. "Here in Regaia, there are a variety of peoples and ways to achieve one’s ends."

I sighed.

"Listen, nameless flashlight," I said. "I am willing to bet that very few people are walking away from that accident, so that means I just escaped having to go to school ever again. There's no way I'm signing up for extra-curricular courses."

"I believe you may be confusing some terms," the orb said. Then it was silent for another long moment, shifting in front of me like a huge, annoying lava lamp. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, it spoke again.

"Allow me to better suit myself to your level of understanding…"

There was a popping sound, and suddenly, the voice of the orb changed.

"How's this?"

It sounded younger, almost like a teenager, and had a little rasp to its tone now. I wasn't sure how that was supposed to help me understand, but I figured I'd just let it do its thing and maybe I'd be left alone in short order.

"Sure, whatever," I said.

"Cool," the orb said.

I shook my head.

"Alright, listen up," the orb said, suddenly full of energy, and that was somehow more annoying than before. "I'm gonna scan you real quick and see what you're good at—see if you have any natural abilities and stuff. Then I'll use those to offer you suggestions."

"Scan away," I said with a shrug. "Won't bother me none."

"Cool," the orb said again and then flashed brightly, causing me to wince.

"Ah!" I shouted. "Warn me next time!"

"Nah, you're good, fam," the voice said. "All done."

I sighed. Fam? This was turning into a "hello, fellow kids," moment very quickly.

"Did you just give me an x-ray or something?" I asked.

"Something like that. I just completely assessed your traits, and now I can populate suggestions for you. First, though, you are gonna have to take a look at your base stats."

I shrugged.

"Okay, then," I said. "Put 'em up, Jiggles."

The orb shifted, flattening out a little so that it looked like a computer screen, and suddenly letters and numbers appeared on its face.

Gabriel Skelter

Title: None

Race: Unassigned

Class: Unassigned

Level: 0

Profession: Unassigned

Attributes (Base)

Strength: 8

Dexterity: 9

Constitution: 11

Wisdom: 9

Intelligence: 9

Charisma: 7

Luck: -2

Skills: None (Point value not yet allocated)

Abilities: None (Point value not yet allocated)

"So what is this, like a test of basic skills?" I asked. "But with video game rules?"

I'd played enough Kingdom of Infinite Legends to understand how this sort of thing worked, even if I usually got bored by the prolonged dialogue and tedious sidequests. This seemed to be something similar, and whatever flaws my brain was producing in my coma-fever had apparently decided that being in a role-playing game was the best way to keep me asleep.

I supposed if I couldn’t do anything about it at the moment, I’d just have to go with it. It would be interesting, if nothing else.

"Something like that," the orb said. "These are your stats based on your abilities in the other world." The voice made a tutting sound. "Not very good, huh?"

"Okay, so they aren't all perfect tens,” I scoffed. “But come on, one of them is eleven, and that's way better than ten."

"Uh, bro," the orb said. "You're not getting it."

"Sure I am," I said confidently. "You get a score out of ten. I'm pretty strong and smart, but I'm not very charismatic, which I get, since people don't usually like what I have to say. But that's on them, not on me. Luck is low, which makes a ton of sense now that I think about it—"

"Nope," the orb said. "Wrong. It's not out of ten, my dude. This scale starts at ten."

"What?"

"Basic human abilities are set to a ten. That's like, the most average of the average. But you are below those in almost every category. You kinda suck, bro."

"Fuck off," I snarled. "I'm not below average!"

"And yet, according to this, you are," the orb continued. "But that's alright. You haven't chosen a race or class yet. After that's settled, you'll get some boosts to these. Maybe."

"Let's move on," I said, my patience wearing even more thinly than before.

"Sure," the orb said, and the words disappeared and were replaced by a few line items.

Select Race

Available Races: 2

[Human]

[Orc]

"That's it?" I demanded. "That’s lame, come on."

Even KoIL had offered about ten different options. I'd played an orc in it once after getting bored with my dragonfolk wizard or whatever, but there were also dwarves and elves and sexy fox girls. Not that I wanted to be one of those, but hey, the option to choose would have been nice. If this were a real game, I would have had a few notes to give the developers.

"It seems like that's it," the orb said, and I couldn't be sure, but it sounded impressed. "That's actually wild, dude. I've never seen such a low yield of results. You must be just... gods-awful."

"Yeah, whatever, flashlight," I said. "Is there a description on these so I know what I'm getting into?"

The two options expanded, and now I was able to dive a little into their details.

Human

One of the many races populating Regaia, humans are one of the most ubiquitous and versatile. Stretching from the Kingdom of Arlo to the Lion Duchy, humans can be found almost anywhere, and will find a home wherever they dwell. Humankind is common. You'll not stand out if you select this race.

Racial bonuses

Part of the Kingdom - Because humans are social creatures and accepted wherever they go, they benefit from gaining the Well Rested status when sleeping within the safety of city walls. They also begin with no malice against them for settlement reputation, setting their starting value to “Neutral.” Lastly, because interaction is based around one’s likeability, humans begin with the Persuasion Skill.

Default Reputation with all settlements set to Neutral

Gain Persuasion Skill

+1 to all Attribute Scores

+ 50 % Rest inside cities or towns

- 50 % Rest when sleeping outdoors (unless class modified)

Versatility - Humans can learn things quickly, and selecting this as your starting race will allow you to gain Experience (XP) faster than many other races.

+ 5 % XP gain to all Skills

- 5 % XP to Skills when suffering from fatigue

+ 1 to Intelligence

Virtuoso - Humans live in a world of specialization. As such, by selecting a human, you will gain the benefit of starting your journey in a chosen Skill at one level higher than your base.

Unlock Profession at Level 1

+ 1 Level to chosen Skill

+ 5 % XP gain to chosen Skill

Strong-willed - Because humans are masters of hard work, they receive the benefit of being able to select an additional Skill as well as two Attribute Points to be decided by the bearer.

Gain one Skill of choice

+ 2 Points to chosen Attribute

Polyglot - Humans are adept at learning languages, and they receive the benefit of these skills by being versatile in multiple languages, as well as reducing the amount of time spent learning additional tongues.

+ 2 additional chosen languages

+ 5 % speed in learning new languages

Orc

Feared by some, disparaged by many, the orc lives a life outside of civilized society. Typically only found in smaller enclaves, the orcs are a rare sight in Regaia and rarer still inside a city's walls. Orckind find many doors and gates barred to them, and will feel more comfortable outdoors, usually.

Racial bonuses

Outsider - Because of the tremendous amount of suspicion among gentler races in Regaia, orcs are rarely found in settlements and prefer to take their keep beneath trees or in caves.

Default Reputation with non-orc settlements set to Untrusted

Gain Camp Skill

+ 50 % Rest when sleeping outdoors

- 50 % Rest inside cities or towns

Feared Form - Orcs are large and powerful, but their customs are frowned upon. You can use this to your advantage in combat. However, social interactions may come as a difficult challenge to you when not dealing with members of your own race.

Gain Intimidate skill

+ 1 to Strength

- 1 to Intelligence

- 1 to Charisma

Battle Born - An orc’s way of life is a grim and ferocious one. As they are forged from birth to hold a weapon, orcs gain experience (XP) faster where martial traits are concerned.

Gain Simple Weapon Proficiency Skill

Gain Simple Armor Proficiency Skill

+ 5 % XP gain to combat-based Skills

- 5 % XP to combat Skills when unarmed or unarmored

+ 1 to Dexterity

Unfaltering - Orcs are born fighters, and have a much higher threshold of pain than many races. It is for this reason that orcs are trained from a young age to ignore their body’s cries of pain and continue fighting long after other fighter’s have succumbed to their wounds. Rather than die outright when they hit 0 Health, an orc can drop to -10 Health before death takes them, or up to one minute after reaching 0, whichever comes first. Healing must take place in that one minute window, or they will die.

+2 to Constitution

Dark Vision - Orcs can see in the dark up to 60 feet, and in dim light up to 120. Orcs perceive the world of Dark Vision as black, white, and gray, but is otherwise the same as daylight.

Gain Perception skill

+ 25 % chance of surprising enemies in the dark that do not have Dark Vision

I stared at my options, and shook my head.

I was never one for math or equations, and that’s what all of this seemed like to me. I thought about what really mattered to me. If I was going to live inside my own mind in a world of fantasy, I’d prefer to be as close to ‘not me’ as possible. I was already a human and that hadn’t served me very well so far. Orcs, from everything I’d seen, were ugly, but that didn’t matter. They were also big and muscular, two traits I was seriously lacking.

Could mixing it up a little would be the cure to my dissatisfaction?

“I’ll go with orc, then,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Unless there’s something better that you’re hiding for some reason?”

“Nope,” the orb said. “Just these two. Are you sure you’re cool with rolling orc?”

“Yeah,” I said, trying to pretend I was more confident about my choice than I felt. “I sussed it out for myself, no need to try to convince me otherwise.”

“Very well,” the orb said. “Race selected: orc.”

There was a whirl of dramatic light, and then the orb repopulated the display in front of me. I looked down at myself, expecting to see bulging muscles and maybe a beard spilling out, but I was still the same short, chubby human.

“What the hell?”

“We haven’t finished, Gabriel Skelter,” the orb said, using my full name. “We are on to the next step.”

I sighed.

“Fine,” I said. “What’s next?”

“Now it’s time to select your beginning Class,” the orb said. “The offers are based on your previous scan.”

“So you were able to get all that from the flash of light?”

“Yep!” the orb exclaimed. “Every little bit of information that makes you, you is scannable. I know that your favorite color is blue, and you like to eat something called ‘Sergeant Sugar Frosting Flakes’ for breakfast.”

I scowled.

After the events with the blue lights on the train, I wasn’t so sure it was my favorite color anymore.

“Yeah, alright,” I said for what seemed like the hundredth time today. “You’ve made your point, go ahead.”

The text appeared in front of me again, but it had new information this time.

Select Class

Available Classes: 1

[Warning] Variable for classes must be greater than 1 to allow choice. An additional scan will be required.

There was another blinding flash, and once my vision cleared allowing me to see again, there was a change.

Select Class

Available Classes: 3

[Commoner]

[Brigand]

[Barbarian]

“Woah, Barbarian?” I asked. “That’s dope! I can be like Conan and start slicin’ motherfuckers up all shiing, shiing!”

“It appears you were only slated to receive the Commoner class, based on your internal metrics,” the orb said, sounding a bit surprised. “I’ll be honest, fam, I haven’t seen someone only get one class offer except for you.”

I rolled my eyes again.

“Yeah, sure. I know, I suck, or whatever you want to believe, but this is fucking tight. I don’t even care what the specs are, I’m going to go Barbarian.”

The orb seemed to consider this, but populated the list anyways.

“You are required to be well-informed,” it said to me, almost snarkily. “So that you can make the best decision available to you.”

I let out a loud sigh, and looked up at the display.

Commoner

The basic preset for those who wish to eek out a meager existence in the world. Commoners are the typical non-adventuring types you will encounter through the lands, making up the greatest percentage of those dwelling in Regaia. Commoners do not receive much by way of benefits, but do gain more efficiency when choosing a Profession. This is not to say that Commoners cannot adventure themselves, but the road will be more difficult, so you may as well choose something else.

Class bonuses

Par For The Course - Because Commoners are considered to be the most basic beginning class one can ascribe to, you receive the benefit of having all of your Attributes set to the average amount of 10. While this may not seem like a great idea for many people who pine for the call of adventure— for others, it may be the best way to move forward if they are deficient and would like a degree of normalcy in the realm.

All base Attributes begin at 10

Diligent - Without the ability to fight monsters or quell conflicts with magic, Commoners work toward defining themselves by their skills and jobs. Diligent grants a beginner Profession, plus the bearer gains the ability to start with one additional level in their chosen Profession.

Unlock Profession at Level 1

+ 1 to chosen Profession

+ 10 % XP gain to all Profession-based skills

*More abilities will become available with subsequent levels and specializations

Brigand

Regarded as those who live outside the usual civil understanding of ‘law’ and ‘order,’ Brigands work by their own code, and usually that is one of ‘do whatever they want.’ A Brigand works around legal conventions with a particular skill set designed for procuring a means to an end. This is a peculiar class in that negative reputation actually increases their Abilities and helps them achieve their goals. This is not a Class for the faint of heart or virtuous spirit.

Class bonuses

Pillager - Brigands have a penchant for utilizing their violent impulses to benefit themselves. Because of this, the better a Brigand performs in battle, the more brutal their blows and menacing their sneers and taunts, and the more likely they are to receive the benefit of their efforts.

2% cumulative increase to normal attacks for each critical hit landed during battle. 1 % more coin gained from battle 4 % chance to salvage weapons or armor belonging to fallen enemies.

Menace - Brigands live by a code that is based around infamy. The worse your reputation with settlements, organizations and individuals, the better it benefits you.

Gain Intimidation Skill

Gain Deception Skill

Variable boost to Attributes and Skills depending on reputation level of interaction.

Hideout - Brigands need a place to hang their hat, as well as the bulk of their ill-gotten gains, and this feature allows them to do just that. Starting at Level 1, Brigands gain access to a F-Rank Level 1 Hideout. This unlocks the benefit of being able to fully heal, once per day at Level 1, but grows exponentially.

*More abilities will become available with subsequent levels and specializations

Barbarian

Walls and shelter are foreign concepts to the Barbarian, a class that prefers the allure of the outside world. Those who select this pursuit will find that the world deems them differently depending on the situation. Uncouth by civilized standards, they are much more comfortable in a fight than in social discourse. Masters of survival, the Barbarians encountered in the world tend to elicit either fear or awe, but never a whoop of approval. Their defining feature is their resilience and their Primal Rage, which bubbles up during the heat of battle and allows certain benefits to the user.

Class bonuses

Primal Rage - Barbarians activate their baser instincts in the throes of battle or other scenarios which induce a high amount of stress. Beginning at 1 use of Primal Rage per day, this will increase by raising skills, levels, or bequeathed through Quests. While experiencing Primal Rage, you gain boosts to certain abilities for 1 minute.

Boosts Constitution and Strength by amount equal to Primal Rage Level + Base Level for 1 minute.

2 % damage reduction while enraged.

Armorless Defense - Because of the nature of Barbarians, they are well-equipped to traverse the world without the use of pesky armaments. As long as you are not wearing armor of any type, you can use your Dexterity or Constitution to replace the necessity of what others would need to protect themselves. This will also allow you to ignore your chances of failing actions that would be hindered by wearing armor.

Select + 1 to either Constitution or Dexterity as your chief Attribute for this Ability.

Armor clarity will be equal to Armorless Defense Level + Dexterity or Constitution

2/4/6 % efficiency when using armor (modified per armor type)

Wildling - Because Barbarians live their days on the outskirts, they gain various Skills associated with navigating the more wild and natural world.

Gain Survival Skill

Gain Hunting Skill

Gain Knowledge Skill [Nature]

*More abilities will become available with subsequent levels and specializations

I blinked a few times. That was a lot of information to have to process for someone who got a headache reading coloring books. The classes all had some extra elements to them that seemed like a homework assignment. Did it really take algebra equations to utilize simple abilities? Was I expected to keep track? Why was it important for me to know any of this for a goddamned coma dream?

Level plus dexterity, minus… hunting?

I couldn’t keep it all in my head as the words swam in my vision and I was forced to close my eyes to try to keep my brain from boiling. I was not the scholarly sort—never had been. Math, science and basic comprehensive literacy were not my strong suits. I really only had two things I felt resonated with me in my life: art and metal music; everything else could hurl itself screaming in front of Mr. Harmon’s lawnmower blades.

This world, if it was going to be my temporary residence, seemed to follow vaguely medieval conventions. At least, if I was basing what I’d seen so far on KoIL and myriad games just like it.

That got my wheels spinning.

There were a lot of metal bands that combined epic artistic renderings of dark ages lore and badass visual stimulus for each new album. That was something I’d always enjoyed—almost as much as the music itself. I thought of some of my favorite album art I’d seen in my life. I was always drawn to painstakingly-detailed depictions of things like bone warriors armed with lightning swords fighting god demons on top of flaming mountains, or cavernous tombs filled with visceral gore and pagan iconography.

Maybe there was something to that, though...

Amon Amarth.

One of my all-time favorite bands were also the kings of evocative and brutal imagery. I thought of Berserker, their eleventh album and an unrelenting bastard of riffy bangers. The album art was a fixture of my aesthetic, plastered prominently on my bedroom wall and bore the fearsome specter of a warrior, bare chested but dressed in fur armor, holding a shield and an ax. The coolest detail was front and center— the warrior donned a bearskin headdress and was screaming at a sea of oncoming attackers. That was a scene of pure, unadulterated, slick-as-frick carnage, and if I had to be trapped in a fever dream—that’s what I preferred.

I wanted to be a peerless, fearless, destructive monstrosity capable of uncorking a one-hundred-gallon drum full of ass-spanking whoop-ass, constructed of piss, vinegar and a healthy serving of genuine, Grade A fury.

If there had been any doubt about what I wanted to be, and there hadn’t been, my resolve was fortified once I saw those wonderful words: Primal Rage. It was something I understood. I could live inside of that mindset because it is all I’d known for so long. I was like a certain hyper-muscular green superhero pre-transformation, except I wasn’t smart enough to be a scientist like ole Bruce. But with this new ‘race’ and ‘class,’ I could break through that barrier and be an incredible hulking mass of murder. Nerds were lame. I would be fucking awesome.

I smiled.

“Barbarian,” I said confidently.

“Cool,” the orb stated.

Well, that was anticlimactic.

“Are there any other selections to make, or can I be on my merry way?” I asked aloud. The shifting orb seemed to consider this for a moment.

“Hold up, bro, I’m calculating,” it said.

Another big sigh from me, and another few moments from the orb, and finally, a new display appeared.

Gained Outsider

Gained Feared Form

Gained Battle Born

Gained Unfaltering

Gained Dark Vision

Gained Primal Rage

Gained Armorless Defense

Armorless Defense requires an Attribute selection of +1 to either Constitution or Dexterity. Please assign.

Constitution

or

Dexterity

I wasn’t sure, but it was basically speed over durability, right? That’s what I was pretty sure those variables were, anyway. I thought briefly about Mike Cutsford. He and his conga line of gleeful geeks would probably have been able to suss out exactly what I should do, but I wasn’t built that way. Thinking about Cutsford also made me a little sad.

If I was in a coma, I was lucky. Not many could have survived a strange glowy train derailment like I had. It was unlikely that anyone had made it out alive other than myself, I reasoned, and if someone had, chronically-asthmatic Mike would be low on the list of potential enduring parties. I’d have to remind myself to pour one out for my fallen homie whenever I escaped from this brain prison. Until then, I tried to push thoughts of my dismembered classmates out of my head and focus on the task at hand.

There will be plenty of time to grieve when I wake the hell up. For now, I may as well strap in and see where this messed up merry-go-round goes.

“I’m gonna go with Constitution,” I stated.

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah, what do you think I am? A moron?”

“Cool, cool, my dude,” the orb stated. “But, for the record, yes.”

I scoffed at the swirling cotton-lava lamp.

“Piss off, dick whistle,” I said. “I’m plenty smart.”

The orb hummed and then released a sound that almost sounded like a chuckle.

“I have access to your stats, friend,” it said. “You are quite literally a dunce. This is a world where these numbers mean something. It’s quantitative. If you want to know how strong, or smart, or likeable someone is, you can just look at their character sheet.”

I didn’t have a response to that. My own mind was betraying me, bullying me from beyond consciousness.

Must be that self-hate thing Aunt Ella is always talking about.

It didn’t matter, though. Soon I was going to be huge. I’d have enough muscles that I wouldn’t need to think ever again. If I needed to solve a problem, I could just punch the issue to bits. No matter which way you sliced it, brawn was way more useful than brains. I mean, who would you bet on in a fight, Mike Tyson or Stephen Hawking?

“Okay,” I finally said, squaring my shoulders. “Did you add my Constitution or not?”

“I have made the changes,” the orb said. “Please view your recent additions.”

The words scrawled on the orb shifted once again, and now I had a better picture of what metamorphosis I was going to endure.

Gained Camp Skill (F-Rank Level 1)

Gained Intimidate Skill (F-Rank Level 1)

Gained Simple Weapon Proficiency Skill (F-Rank Level 1)

Gained Simple Armor Proficiency Skill (F-Rank Level 1)

Gained Perception Skill (F-Rank Level 1)

Gained Survival Skill (F-Rank Level 1)

Gained Hunting Skill (F-Rank Level 1)

Gained Knowledge Skill [Nature] (F-Rank Level 1)

Gained [Variant Ability] Sabotage (F-Rank Level 2)

+ 1 to Strength

+ 3 to Constitution

+ 1 to Dexterity

- 1 to Intelligence

- 1 to Charisma

Default Reputation with non-orc settlements set to Untrusted

“Who is Frank Level One?”

The orb seemed to almost burble with annoyance, which I’ll admit, was a little satisfying.

“It’s not Frank,” the orb said. “It’s F-Rank. Your Skills and Abilities follow a pattern, and move through the levels of each rank, and there are ten levels inside of each skill. It starts at ‘F,’ moves through phases of one to ten before climbing to ‘E,’ then ‘D’ if you get better… and so on. It’ll all start to make sense when… or rather, if you start gaining some experience.”

“I don’t appreciate the implication of that,” I said.

“Now,” the orb stated, ignoring me. “Because you will start at Level One, you will receive a certain number of points based on your credentials. Use ‘em to make yourself better, ya dig?”

I ignored the tone of the orb’s idiotic mumbling. I had points, did I? Perfect. I was going to make myself a badass beast to be feared. I waited for a moment, but the orb spoke again.

“Keep in mind, dude, at character creation you get a little extra help that you won’t get at any other time. Consider it sort of like a gift.”

“What kind of gift?”

“The kind that helps you along. Certain Attributes will raise more if you use your Points toward them during character creation. This is because it will benefit you to start more balanced.”

“That’s dumb,” I said, getting annoyed. “That’s basically pigeon-holing someone. No thanks.”

“Suit yourself, hombre,” the orb said. Then the screen shifted.

You have 5 Attribute Points to use. However, because of a deficit in certain scores, you will receive 2 Points for every one point you place in a score that is currently below 10. Please make your selection.

Attributes

Strength: 9 +

Constitution: 14 +

Dexterity: 9 +

Wisdom: 9 +

Intelligence: 8 +

Charisma: 6 +

Luck: -2 +

I looked at the screen and smiled.

Double points, essentially, for anything under ten?

There were six Attributes that fit the category, since only Constitution was above that amount. But dang, it was a nice looking number there. Fourteen. I wasn’t sure what that would relate to in ‘real world’ terms, but I had to imagine that it would be someone who didn’t get sick often and had a lot of endurance—something I admired. That got me thinking...

I wanted to be tougher.

That was a given. But there were different kinds of tough. Once again, I thought about the warrior on the cover of Berserker facing off against thousands of assailing forces. That bastard wouldn’t survive long on strength alone. Speed, maybe, but opponents would always have might and quickness. No, what would allow him to keep going and to continue battling through the hordes of people trying to take his life would be his unyielding endurance. Taking blows and dishing them back, outlasting the enemy, staying alive longer than they could, those were the hallmarks of a winner.

You didn't have to be strong or fast to kill someone—hell, people died on accident all the time. A gunshot to the heart by Mike Tyson would kill you the same as if Stephen Hawking’s robot ass was somehow able to climb out of the grave and fire on you. The analogy seemed to be getting away from me, but I felt like I had made a good point to myself. I thought about Die Hard, one of my favorite movies. John McClain wasn’t a badass because he was physically stronger than everyone. He was just an average dude who had some good quips and a reason to act. But, he was the ultimate stud because he was able to go through hell, run across shards of broken glass and take every beating thrown his way… and survive. That’s what I wanted.

“I’m putting all five Points into Constitution,” I said.

I watched as the number behind the Attribute dialed up from fourteen to nineteen and couldn’t help but smile. I didn’t care if it was stupid, or unbalanced, or whatever else the annoying orb decided my decision was. I wouldn’t be told what to do. The choice was mine, and even in a video game-inspired coma, I wasn’t going to just sit back and let myself be average. I wasn’t Mrs. Dexter.

Suddenly, a new message popped up on the screen.

+1 Wisdom

Gained Insight Skill

“What? Where did those come from?”

The orb flashed once before responding.

“It appears you’ve done some extra consideration, despite your best efforts. You were attempting to be contrary, but you have unintentionally acted... wise. Color me impressed.”

“There’s a lot more where that came from, Snow Globe,” I said. “Now, is there anything else I need to do, or can I finally get out and about in what I’m starting to suspect is actually a nightmare?”

I wasn’t sure I liked that the orb—or whatever it was connected to—could read my mind, but I supposed it made sense. This was all me, and as such, I wasn’t overly concerned that there was an unrealistically all-knowing mega-brain that could pick up on my own mental ruminations.

“Just one more,” the orb said simply. “You’ve gotta decide on a name. You can keep your original one, but I don’t know many people named Gabe who could strike fear into the hearts of their foes. Which seems to be the general idea you’re going for, right?”

“Alright, first of all, screw you,” I said indignantly. “I’m named after a brutal-ass saint, so, mind yourself. Second, if I change my name, will I be able to revert back to my old one if I don’t like it?”

“No,” the orb said. “Choose something you like and will be fine with keeping, because you will be stuck with it for the remainder of your time here.”

“...and how long will that be?”

“I don’t have any idea,” the orb said. “I suppose that’s up to you.”

“Right,” I said. “Because it’s my coma, so as long as I’m completely under—”

“I was going to let this be a surprise,” the orb said. “But, you’re not in a coma.”

I started to respond, but the orb interrupted me again in a hushed tone.

“You’re actually here, Gabriel—or whatever you choose to be called. You’re in a whole different world than wherever you were previously. Because of this, you need to understand that there are very real consequences to what you do here, so don’t think that you can just wake up, and all of this will evaporate.”

The orb dropped its voice even lower in volume, until it was practically a whisper.

“You should not follow up with any statements. Not now. I can’t risk being overheard. This is all I can tell you at the moment, but know that none of this is a fabrication of your mind. It is real, and you must treat it as such.”

I was actually speechless. Was this a prank? I knew I had a serious case of self-destructive tendencies, or so I was told by just about every counselor and therapist I’d gone to once or twice—but this was getting weird. I recalled the blue light on the train I’d been trying to forget. Actually, it would have been better for my mental state if I could amnesia-away that whole period of time before the derailing. The fight. The curly haired woman and her strange mirror. Almost dying.

I shook my head. Suddenly, the orb's voice snapped back to normal.

“Alright, cool,” it said casually again, as if it hadn’t just hissed a warning to me. “What will your name be?”

I wasn’t sure how to proceed. The orb’s strange and menacing message had shaken me a little, if I was being honest. But, I was never one to back down from a challenge, so I gritted my teeth and pretended everything was normal.

It had said not to follow up with what it was saying about this being real. So, I suppose it should be business as usual.

“Gimme a sec, jeeze,” I said, putting on my best irritated voice. “I’m still thinking!”

“Think faster,” the orb said. “Not that there’s a time limit, but this is really boring, you know?”

“Wow,” I said. “I’m very sorry that you’re not having a good time. What did you do before I arrived, party it up and wait for dummies like me to show up and hassle you?”

“Something like that,” the orb said.

I chuckled a little and then got to thinking.

I couldn’t go with the name Gabe, or Gabriel, since the orb seemed to think that was a bad idea. I didn’t want to admit that I agreed with it, but I had never been a fan of my name. I considered some of my gamertags in the past: GSkelter69, L00k0utN0Sc0pe, GabeREAL, RealGabe, 420SexStud. I cringed a little. I couldn’t go around with any of those ridiculous names, for obvious reasons, but the sad part was, that had been the most creative I’d ever been. I hated naming characters in games, and I usually just used the default options. If there wasn’t one, I usually picked something like ‘PenisHaver,’ or the like. Name choice was something I didn’t really want to have to engage in, but I doubted this world would be the type to have a list of defaults.

Nah. I wasn’t convinced yet that this was anything other than brain damage, but still: new world, new me. If I was going to choose a name, it had to be something better than an edgy joke. Hearing someone call me ‘WeedMan5000,’ while hilarious, would probably get old after a while.

There was one name.

I didn’t have many memories of my mother, but of the few I did have…

I was a rambunctious kid, and because of that my mom always called me a looney toon. She said I reminded her of a zany cartoon character because of my constant accidental destructive tendencies and hijinks. Whenever she introduced me to people she’d smile and say, “this is Gabriel, my little loon.”

I swallowed a lump in my throat and spoke up.

“I’m choosing the name ‘Loon.’”

I spelled it out loud before the orb flashed and spoke up again.

“Cool, cool. Look over your character sheet real quick and if everything is above-board, you can start your journey by saying, ‘set out.’”

I rolled my eyes. There was such an overwhelming amount of pompous dipshittery in this place. I waved my hand at the orb.

“Alright, let me see it.”

The screen shifted, and I could finally see all of my changes.

Loon

Title: None

Race: Orc

Class: Barbarian

Level: 1

Profession: Unassigned

Attributes (Base)

Strength: 9

Constitution: 19

Dexterity: 9

Wisdom: 10

Intelligence: 8

Charisma: 6

Luck: -2

Skills:

Camp (F-Rank Level 1)

Hunting (F-Rank Level 1)

Intimidate (F-Rank Level 1)

Insight (F-Rank Level 5)

Knowledge [Nature] (F-Rank Level 1)

Perception (F-Rank Level 1)

Simple Weapon Proficiency (F-Rank Level 1)

Simple Armor Proficiency (F-Rank Level 1)

Survival (F-Rank Level 1)

Abilities:

Armorless Defense (F-Rank Level 1)

Battle Born (F-Rank Level 1)

Dark Vision (F-Rank Level 1)

Feared Form (F-Rank Level 1)

Outsider (F-Rank Level 1)

Primal Rage (F-Rank Level 1)

Sabotage (F-Rank Level 2)

Unfaltering (F-Rank Level 1)

I was mildly intrigued by such a large boost to Insight, but ultimately, my brain was its own animal, or something. Far be it from me to mess with the threads of my fabricated reality. Also, I was itching to get on with whatever this was, and I’d never been accused of being patient. So, after looking over my statistics, I peered up at the orb.

“Well, Cotton Candy Killjoy,” I said. “It’s been… whatever the opposite of a pleasure is, but I think it’s time I peaced out of this funky town.”

“Just remember what I told you,” the orb said quietly. “You may also be tempted to think of this as just a strange world with curious rules. However, know that there are a great many things that you can do that seem different than what you might think.”

“Very confusing,” I said dismissively. “Anyways, later days. Set out.”

I wasn’t sure what I was expecting to happen, but it definitely wasn’t suddenly feeling the earth beneath my feet give away. I lurched forward and watched as the ground beneath my feet opened up wide revealing a long, dark tunnel.

“What the—”

Then I was falling. I dropped and felt a wrenching twist as my arms and legs seemed to be moving in different directions of their own volition. It hurt. I let out a yell, but I couldn’t hear my own voice through the now incredibly loud rumbling of the shifting tunnel. It began to close in on me, narrowing as I fell into its belly, and the last thing I witnessed was the little amount of light I had disappearing, as the ground sealed up, swallowing me whole.