Idelle looked for Sergeant Cateline that night, but the older woman must have still been out helping with one of the many tasks left behind in the wake of the attack, as no one Idelle asked had seen her. She didn’t look for long, however, before someone came through the camp to explain the night’s sleeping arrangements and inform everyone that they would be reclaiming the city, starting tomorrow.

There were no cheers at the announcement, only hard eyes and grim nods. Most of the camp went straight to sleep after eating. Idelle skipped the meal but, with nothing better to do, went with her campmates to try and rest.

It took her a long time to fall asleep, lying under the rough shelter of dirty canvas as she listened to the sounds of the other soldiers around her breathing. One teenage boy cried out several times in his sleep, soft, wordless mumbles of fear or pain. She winced at the sound.

As time trickled slowly by, she tried to use her insomnia productively and focus on fleshing out her plans from earlier but found herself unable to stay on track. Too much had happened, too much to keep track of, and Idelle felt overwhelmed by it all. More and more, she felt the urge to just run away, to escape in the night and hide somewhere until everything fixed itself.

But things wouldn’t fix themselves, she reminded herself. The only reason she was here right now was because Cecilia had fixed things for her. She felt a flash of indignant anger rising up in her at the memory of the princess’s accusatory final words to her. Idelle hadn’t asked for someone to take care of her behind her back.

Then solve your problems yourself. The voice whispered in the back of her head, and her anger cooled into a muddle of guilt. It was true. It wasn’t fair to be angry at others for trying to help her when she seemed so completely incapable of cleaning up her own messes.

She wished she had a better idea of how to do that.

Finally, in the wee hours of the morning when everyone else had fallen silent, she drifted off into sleep. Her nightmares that night were nothing more, nothing stranger than her own memories, Cecilia’s poisonous, rage-filled words and Clovis’s slack face played back at her while a quiet voice reminded her that this was her fault, that she could have stopped Cecilia if she’d realized, that she should have just stayed alone and broken in the forest like she deserved.

…

“Oi! Time to wake up, there’s far too much work to do and we’re missing daylight!” The unfamiliar woman’s holler brought Idelle instantly awake, her eyes snapping open as her hand reached for her sword. She caught herself a moment later as the contents of the words filtered through her mind.

Right. Adrian planned for them to start reclaiming the city today. Ugh. She drowsily sat up, glancing around at the other stirring figures in the tent, before rising to her feet, crouching slightly to avoid bumping her head against the canvas as she stepped out from under it. Her body moved easily, any last lingering pain totally gone, and she still wasn’t even hungry yet. Physically she felt great, actually.

She wished she could say the same of her mind.

Still, she supposed she should eat a little. She wasn’t sure how long her strange body could sustain itself after feeding, but it definitely didn’t seem to mind any extra, more mundane, food. And maybe it would help her focus and shake off her current lethargy and vaguely foul mood. She stepped out from the shelter and quickly tracked after the smell of breakfast that drifted across the camp.

A minute later saw her sitting on the ground with a bowl of dull porridge. She spooned it into her mouth mechanically as she squinted around the camp. Already, many of the tents were being cleaned up, only the core of the camp where the injured laid was untouched. The smoke had fully cleared now, and she could see all the way into the treeline in the sharp morning sunlight.

Everywhere she looked, she saw sullen, angry faces. One of them met her eyes, and she looked away quickly. Was he glaring at her? No, it was just her imagination, right?

She hunched a little lower over her porridge.

“Oh, Idelle. Did ya speak with Adrian already?”

Idelle’s head flicked back up at the voice. Cateline gave her a quick wave of greeting as the sergeant stepped closer, and Idelle’s face fell as she processed the words. So she’d have to explain things to Cateline as well, then. She wished she’d just kept her stupid secret.

“Um. Yeah… I don’t think he likes me very much, though.”

Cateline frowned at her words. “Why’s that? What’s wrong?”

Idelle’s lips tightened. “Other than… all of this?” She jerked her head in the vague direction of the city, a little angrily. What a stupid question.

Cateline’s face softened, and she clapped her hand on Idelle’s shoulder. “Don’t be like that. What did you talk to Adrian about?”

“I… I just wanted to explain some things to him.” Idelle shrugged sardonically. “I guess it wasn’t as important as I thought. I guess maybe I’m not as important as I thought.”

“...That’s not true. You’re a friend of Her Highness, that’s a rare thing.”

“Is that what I am?” Idelle spat out the words before controlling herself. “Even if that’s true, is that all I am? An accessory to someone else?”

Cateline raised her hands in a placating gesture. “That’s not what I meant —”

“Then you shouldn’t have said it!”

Idelle almost immediately regretted the words as they lashed out of her, but Cateline seemed to take them in stride. “You’re right. I’m sorry… Was this what you talked with the Lieutenant about?”

Idelle turned her face away, shame rising in her at her outburst. Cateline was clearly just trying to help her feel better. What was she doing, taking out her annoyance on the other woman? “Not really. I… I have an ability. A special one, as far as I know. It’s like a spell, that lets me get stronger from killing magic beasts.”

She paused, searching for the right words. Her voice was quiet and harsh when she continued. “I guess I just feel helpless. Powerless. I wanted him to give me the chance to hunt, to get stronger. Adrian wouldn’t hear of it. Thought it was too dangerous, or something.”

She heard a sound of surprised recognition from Cateline. “Oh! Is that why ya wanted to see those corpses after the hunt?”

Idelle shrank even smaller. She felt like crying. “Yeah. I guess.”

“Her Highness knew, I take it? I was wondering why she would have paid such attention to ya.”

“Something like that…”

She felt Cateline’s hand pat her shoulder again, gently this time. “It’s all right. The Lieutenant is a real hardheaded sort, even compared to me. I’ll talk to him for you, maybe he’ll come around.”

Idelle shook her head wordlessly. Cateline kept the comforting hand on her shoulder, waiting for her to speak. Finally, Idelle’s voice slipped out again. “...I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m afraid.”

Cateline snorted, not unkindly. “You’d be stupid not to be afraid. Fear keeps us alive, that’s why we feel it.”

“I think I’m stupid regardless…” The words came out of her slightly choked, despite her best efforts. “I just don’t know what I should do.”

She saw Cateline shrug from the corner of her blurry vision. “I can’t help ya with that. We all have our own paths.”

Idelle just sat there for a few seconds, collecting herself. She slowly took another bite of the porridge. It wasn’t warm anymore, and the way it filled her mouth suddenly left her feeling vaguely disgusted. She forced herself to swallow anyway. Finally, she came to a decision and spoke again. “...Can I ask you for a favor? Or, two favors, I guess?”

“No harm in asking.”

Idelle kept her eyes fixed on the bowl in her lap. “Is it all right if I leave? Go to one of the royal academies? I was thinking about it, before… all of this.” She let out a hollow laugh. “I wanted to be more useful to Cecilia. Imagine that.”

There was a pause, then Cateline slowly spoke. “I don’t see why not… You’re hardly a regular soldier in the first place. If that’s what you want, I can convince Adrian for you, on the condition that ya travel with the next merchant caravan. No doing anything reckless.”

Idelle winced. “I’ll… do my best.”

“And the other favor, then?”

“I, ah… I just wanted to see a map. If you have one. I don’t really know where the academies are, actually.”

Cateline chucked. “Sure. They aren’t as rare as all that, though the quality can vary.”

Idelle felt the tears welling up again. Maybe she’d just been overthinking things. No, maybe Adrian was the only suspicious one here. He’d worked directly with Cecilia, after all. But, clearly, most of the princess’s soldiers hadn’t known anything, or they wouldn’t have died like that, and Cateline must be among those.

“...Thanks.” Her voice came out clearer, though still soft. “I was afraid you’d think I was running away, or something.”

Cateline let out another sardonic snort. “If we forced every soldier who wanted to leave after something like this to stay, half our army would be too depressed to fight. I won’t judge you for your choices. ‘Sides, the academies train warriors and hunters anyway. Not like you’re off to become a weaver or something.”

“That’s…” Idelle hesitated. She’d meant running away under the presumption that she’d been involved somehow in the attack. No, better not to correct the misunderstanding. If Cateline didn’t find her suspicious despite still believing in Cecilia, that wasn’t Idelle’s problem. She should take the chance to leave openly since it was being given. That would give her a clean background from here on. Just in case.

And if Adrian was a traitor, she’d just have to get strong enough to deal with him, too. She’d just have to make sure she had proof, this time.

She realized Cateline still had a hand on her shoulder, waiting for her response, and straightened her back. “...Yeah. Thanks. I really mean it.”

The sergeant gave her a rough smile. “This is part of my job too, believe it or not. Glad you’re feeling better.”