You push the button.

Ding.

The table is still around, but the juice is gone. Instead, a chess board has appeared.

Oh cool, this one has the letters and numbers on it, so everyone knows what goes where. That’s convenient!

You take a seat on the chair which I consistently forget to mention exists, and focus on the chess board.

Being a living human being, you probably have a vague idea about how chess works. You know the eight ones in a row that are the same are pawns, and that there are kings and queens. The colors of the pieces are traditionally black and white, and white always goes first because the inventor of chess was racist.

Actually, not really. It was invented in India in about the 6th century, so I can’t comment on the inventor’s world views. And when it got to Europe the colors used were usually black and red, according to wikipedia. Also, apparently good knights had to know how to play chess, even though it was considered to have evil effects on society, since it was a strategy game. You had to, like, think while playing it, which was bad (according to the Catholic Church).

Isn’t history fascinating?

Anyways, do you know how to play chess?

You… don’t. Somehow everything from that one episode of Arthur to the Lego chess video game escaped your notice as you grew up. No one ever taught you how to play. You weren’t even gifted a “10-in-1 board game pack” for Christmas by a relative who had no clue what else to give you. Or maybe you were, and focused on parcheesi because parcheesi is 10 out of 10 way more fun than chess.

Well, today is your lucky day! Let me explain aaaaaaaall about it!

*ahem*

Chess has six types of pieces, which are thankfully already set up properly for you. Pawn (the little one), rook (castle), knight (horse), bishop (the one with a knob on top that looks kinda like a big pawn), queen (the tallest one), and king (the one with a cross on top). Each one of those pieces has certain movements it can take. Pieces cannot move through other pieces (though the knight can jump over other pieces), and can never move onto a square with one of their own pieces. However, they can be moved to take the place of an opponent's piece which is then captured.

The king can only move one square in any direction - up, down, to the sides, and diagonally. The queen is the most powerful piece. She can move in any one straight direction - forward, backward, sideways, or diagonally - as far as possible as long as she does not move through any of her own pieces. The rook may move as far as it wants, but only forward, backward, and to the sides. The bishop may move as far as it wants, but only diagonally. Each bishop starts on one color (black or white) and must always stay on that color. Knights move in a very different way from the other pieces – going two squares in one direction, and then one more move at a 90-degree angle, just like the shape of an “L”.

Pawns are different because they move and capture in different ways: they move forward but capture diagonally. Also you get eight of them. Pawns can only move forward one square at a time, except for their very first move where they can move forward two squares.

Can you tell where I started copy/pasting from chess.com?

Anyways, the goal of the game is to capture the king while making sure no one captures your king. When a king is about to be captured, that’s called “check”. And when capture is inevitable, that’s “checkmate”. According to wikipedia there’s some old hindi words that were the origin of those terms, but I’ve moved on from wikipedia to chess.com, and clicking the back button is far too difficult, so if you want to learn what they were, look it up yourself.

And now you know how to play chess.

Great! Shall we play?

You don’t feel like playing chess.

Well too bad! I do! Let’s play!

You scoot your chair in closer to the table, focusing on the pieces. I’m nice, so I’ll let you go first.

You look over the board, and move the pawn in F2 to F4.

I move the pawn in G7 to G6.

You move a pawn from B2 to B4.

I move a bishop from F8 to H6.

You move a pawn from F2 to F3.

I move my bishop from H6 to F4, taking your pawn, at which point you move a knight from G1 to F3.

I move a pawn from H7 to H6.

You move a rook from H1 to G1.

I move a pawn from G6 to G5.

You move a knight to A3.

I move a pawn to A5.

You move a bishop to B2.

I move a rook from H8 to H7, at which point you move your bishop to H8, and I move my knight to F6.

You move a pawn to G2, I move my bishop to D6, and your pawn moves to G4.

I move my pawn from A5 to B4, and you move your knight back to B1.

Forgetting why it was there, I move a pawn from H6 to H5, and your knight moves to G5, taking my pawn. To save my rook, I move it to H8.

You move a pawn from E2 to E3, I move a pawn from H5 to G4, your pawn moves from H3 to G4, and I move my rook to H4.

You move a pawn from D2 to D4.

I move a pawn from B4 to B3, and you move a pawn from A2 to B3. I move my bishop to B4, and you immediately move your knight to D2.

I just sliiiide my rook from A8 to A1 (you weren’t using that rook, right?), and for no apparent reason you move a bishop to A6. Wondering why I would take a bishop when the queen is sitting right there, I slide my rook to D1 and claim your queen. Unsurprisingly, you move your king from E1 to D1, and my rook is gone.

For the hell of it, I take your bishop in A6 with a pawn.

You move your rook from G1 to F1, and I move my knight from F6 to D5, and you slide your king from D1 to E2. I slide my room from H4 to H2, and you slide your king back to the safety of D1.

To test your stupidity, I move my rook to D2, taking your knight. You slide your king into C1. Before following your king, I move my knight to E3. Your king continues it’s eastward journey, and I take your rook in F1 with my knight.

Moving for the sake of moving, you slide a pawn from D4 to D5.

I move my bishop from B4 to C3, and you move your king from B1 to C1. I decide to send my rook on a rampage, and slide it down to D5. You try to save your knight by moving it from G5 to E4. I move my rook to E5, and you send your knight to F2. Determined to chase your knight down, I move my bishop from C3 to D4. Your knight goes to D3, and for no apparent reason I push a pawn from A6 to A5. You take my rook (you have both now), and I take your knight (I have both now).

You move a pawn from G4 to G5. I move my bishop to F4. You move your king to D1, and I take your pawn in G5.

You slide your king to E1, getting dangerously close to my knight, and I move my other bishop to A6. You move your king to F2, and I slide the bishop that’s been in play most of the game to H4.

I move a pawn from C7 to C6, you move a pawn from C2 to C3, and I move my queen from D8 to B6.

You move your king to H3, and I retreat my bishop to F6. You move a pawn to C4, and my queen takes your pawn in B3. You move your king to G4, and I move my knight to E3.

King to F3. Bishop to C4. King to G3. Bishop to E6. King to H2. Bishop to E5. King to G1. Bishop to D5. King to F2. Pawn to A4. King to E2. Pawn to A3. King back to F2. Pawn to A2. King to E2. Pawn to A1, and y’no, just give me back one of my rooks, I like those guys. King to D2. I decide I might as well get my other rook back, and start my pawn back in F7 on his way to the enemy line. King to E2. Pawn to F4. King to D2. Pawn to F3.

You realize you have nowhere left to run.

…

Let’s call it a draw.

Well that was a fun game! Ready to move on?

DO YOU PRESS THE BUTTON? Yes No