You push the button.

Ding.

The pedestal is back! We like our friends the table and the pedestal. It’s always nice to see them in a room.

This time, occupying the top of the pedestal is a mushroom.

It’s a… erm, three seconds, please.

To: Testing Room Beta From: Big Boss Chris Subject: Descriptors.

Just had a meeting, and apparently you use the least number of descriptive words out of… Everyone who has ever typed a word, if Vic can be believed.

Please demonstrate why my telling you to change your ways is a bad idea.

To: Big Boss Chris From: Testing Room Beta Subject: Re: Descriptors.

Will do, boss!

Sorry about that.

Ok! Upon the maroon antique oak wood pedestal sits one single, lone, simple, earth toned mushroom, whose cap is approximately three inches in diameter, or 7.62 centimeters, although the two being in the tenth decimal place (I believe that is what it is called, honestly it has been quite some time since I last attended a class on mathematics, and am much more familiar with the fractions used by the imperial system [which is by far better than metric] than the decimals of the metric) makes it seem as though it is not simply “approximately”, therefore I will simply say 7.6 centimeters. It, by which I mean the lovely, enticing mushroom with cap and stem, which looks to have been cut with a blade of some kind (I dare not presume to speculate on the nature of said blade, as I am not an expert on the growing and harvesting of fungi; indeed, I am not an expert on any fungi of any sort, unless it is the white or grey type typically found on pizzas or in spaghetti sauce, and even then I do not know the proper, much less the scientific, name of those specific mushrooms), although I can confidently guess that it was not cut with scissors of any kind, or by a butter knife.

Were you aware that butter knives, as we know them today, were invented on May 13th, 1637? Whereas scissors were invented quite a bit earlier, at some point in the 400 BCE (Before Common Era) ‘s. They were invented somewhere in what would eventually become Italy, while the butter (or, table) knife was invented by a Catholic Cardinal in France who disliked seeing people pick their teeth with sharp knives, and so had all his cutlery blunted.

But getting back to the fascinating, intriguing, comparatively medium sized, brown and tan, slightly dirty looking mushroom before you on the maroon antique oak pedestal, I would like to inquire of you if you are an expert on, or at least have a working knowledge of, mushrooms. Indeed, if you have even the slightest inkling of knowledge more than I do on this particular subject, on which I myself am completely ignorant, other than a vague recollection from a long ago read children’s book which imparted to me the knowledge that mushrooms grow quite well in horse manure, you are more qualified to speak on the subject than I.

Do you, by any chance, know what specific type of mushroom this particular elegant specimen of fungi, placed for you upon the maroon pedestal in this grey concrete room which contains naught but yourself in a blue jumpsuit and a red button in an aluminum ring, is?

Just… Just go with it. I promise I’ll be back to normal next room.

*ahem*

Do you, by any chance, know what specific type of-

Alas! As it turns out, you have the misfortune of not knowing what sort of mushroom this specific specimen is!

Surely you are aware of the many horrible qualities of quite a few mushrooms. For instance, the death cap mushroom is known for causing, among other things, death! Death is quite bad, and is something we would prefer to avoid here. Other mushrooms cause hallucinations, which while not immediately harmful, can also cause lasting harm to your brain if you repeatedly consume them.

Granted, there is only one single, lone, independent, individual, solitary, unaccompanied, unattended, forlorn, friendless, isolated, lorn (yes, both lorn and forlorn), friendless, neglected, sole mushroom on the maroon antique oak wood pedestal, so there is no chance of overdose here. Or at least there is a quite insignificant chance of overdose. Granted, we can not always determine how much of any given chemical will send any individual into an overdose, as humans do not always react the same way to the same chemicals. Which is why pharmaceutical companies are kept under strict scrutiny by the FDA (Food and Drug Administration).

Of course, you are aware that we do not wish you to die. Or, at the very least you know I have assured you that we do not wish you to die. Therefore, you can deduce that the enticing mushroom before you is not immediately harmful to the greater majority of humans.

Still, without knowing what type of mushroom has been placed on the lovely, old, antique, Australian, maroon painted, oak wood, quite useful, sturdy, surprisingly expensive pedestal in the bland, uninteresting concrete room with you, will you dare to eat it?

You will not. Not out of any mistrust, simply because you have been taught that eating strange mushrooms from unknown origins is an excellent way of severely shortening your lifespan. Therefore, out of principle, you will reject the mushroom.

I applaud your decision. It is truly a wise one.

You have no qualms about eating strange mushrooms from unknown sources! Add that to a trust of us (or perhaps a daredevil attitude), and you end with no trepidation about popping the brown capped mushroom into your mouth whole.

You spend a few seconds chewing, attempting to discern any traces of chemicals which might be detrimental to your health.

You detect none.

In fact, the mushroom is quite bland. It is completely, absolutely, altogether, entirely, fully, thoroughly, totally, utterly, wholly, categorically, downright, overall, generally, largely, primarily, roundly, soundly and predominantly… bland.

It… has a basic mushroom flavor? It is difficult to describe something which is lacking in things to describe.

Slightly disappointed, you swallow the uninteresting mushroom, and turn back to the bright red, “Crisp Waters” (I still have absolutely no idea about what that descriptor is meant to imply) scented button.

Huzzah! As it turns out, you do know what type of fungi this specimen happens to be!

You consider yourself to be a moderately knowledgeable mycophile, and can confidently identify this mushroom as a Leccinum Scabrum, commonly known as a birch bolete. They are commonly found in Britain and Ireland, under birch trees. Thus the name.

However, as you know so much about this fungi, you are aware that it is considered to be a very bland mushroom, with very little to commend it.

You are also aware that it is not poisonous, and contains no psychedelic qualities whatsoever.

Will you deign to consume the specimen placed on the maroon antique Australian oak wood pedestal in front of you?

You decline.

The reason for this decision is simple: you have no desire to eat it. You are aware of its properties, and find none of them enticing.

Therefore, you decline.

I completely respect this decision.

With a casual shrug of your shoulders, you pick up the mushroom using the forefinger and thumb on your left hand and glance it over before, again casually, popping it into your mouth.

As you chew, you decide that you can attest to its blandness. It is quite one of the most uninteresting mushrooms you have ever eaten.

Even so, you believe that cooked the right way, with the right seasonings, you could make this entirely uninteresting fungi a part of a most satisfying and agreeable dish.

Sadly, you are not currently in possession of the right seasonings, or indeed any cooking implements at all. For you are in a square concrete room, which to call sparsely furnished would be an understatement of criminal degree. There are, in fact, no furnishings, other than the aforementioned pedestal, and the omnipresent red button.

After swallowing, you turn again towards the red button. You aren’t quite disappointed, for a mushroom could never disappoint you. But you are filled with a sense of… missed opportunity. There are so many mushrooms in this world, of which we could have given you, well, at least any of a hundred perfectly unharmful mushrooms, all of which would have been more interesting than the one we chose.

But, was it perhaps the bland nature of this one that made us choose it? Was it the complete unexeptionableness of this one that called out to us?

(Frankly, no, it was the fact that this was the second result that came up in a google search for edible mushrooms, and was the first one which had a brown top.)

You begin to ponder the methods which we use to decide what objects, and what things specifically, we put into these rooms.

Beware, friend. Down that path madness lays.

DO YOU PRESS THE BUTTON? Yes No