Ding.

The cat is gone. For some reason, this room has been painted black. The light seems absorbed into the walls, making it much darker than you’re used to. It’s kinda creepy, to tell the truth.

Sitting in a corner is a cardboard box, the top folded in rather than taped. It says “Amazon” on it, so either it originated in a jungle of South America or came from an online shipping megacorporation.

It’s fifty fifty on that one.

On top of the box is a sheet of paper, with the words “OPEN AT YOUR OWN RISK” scrawled on it.

You become aware of a faint ticking sound. It echoes off the dark walls, not necessarily coming from the box. You look around, the darkness starting to press in, making the room feel claustrophobic.

You decide to nope the hell out, and press the button. Nothing happens.

Sorry. I just, after that series of insane button pressings, I automatically turned it off.

But come on! We wouldn’t put anything lethal in that box! We aren’t evil or anything! At most we’re chaotic neutral! Stop being a scaredy cat and go check out that box!

What’s the worst that could happen?

Slowly, ever so slowly, you make your way to the cardboard box. The ticking sound grows louder, but it doesn’t sound like it’s coming from the box itself. It sounds like the whole wall is ticking.

Not comforting, but at least the box is probably safe. Right?

You take the piece of paper and put it on the ground next to you.

It remains there. It is a piece of paper.

Then, with extreme caution, you put a finger into the middle and pull an edge up.

Glitter explodes out of the box! Somehow it comes out in a fountain, the ultimate cubic feet of glitter being much more than the box is capable of holding. You quickly back up to the opposite wall as the geyser of glitter hits the ceiling and begins to rain down. Your face is plastered with holographic glitter. If you’re wearing glasses, they were the only thing to save your eyes. If you aren’t wearing glasses, your eyelids are now painted with glitter.

If anyone were to look at you now, they wouldn’t be able to tell what race you are. You are a glitter person.

The glitter sticks to the walls, making the room much brighter than it was a few seconds ago. That’s nice.

As the river of glitter finally stops, you spit particles of whatever “eco-friendly” glitter is made out of onto the floor. I’m presuming it isn’t plastic, but I have no freaking clue what else it could be made from.

Actually, while you scrape glitter out of your nose, let me google that.

Ok so, turns out, regular glitter is made out of plastic. Shocking, I know. Plastic is bad for the environment. So some people made “eco-friendly” glitter out of a different type of plastic known as polyethylene terephthalate (PET), which is what they use to package consumable liquids (soda, milk, ranch dressing, etc.) in. But the real reason polyethylene terephthalate is considered eco-friendly is because it’s highly recyclable. And since no one is going to be taking glitter to a recycling plant, it just becomes regular non eco-friendly evil plastic.

There is a type of glitter that isn’t made of plastic. It’s made out of modified regenerated cellulose (MRC), which comes from eucalyptus trees. Well isn’t that nice! Unfortunately, in order to make it, y’no, do the glitter thing, they have to coat it with aluminum and then (shockingly) plastic. So basically, the whole “eco-friendly” tag is 100% marketing, and if you need glitter for something, just go with whatever’s cheapest!

Isn’t research fascinating?

…

Due to a substantial amount of glitter clogging your ears, you heard none of that.

You shake the glitter out of your brain as best you can, then walk over and kick the box.

It seems to be a normal box. Not nailed to the floor or anything. Of course, there is now glitter stuck under your toenails (regardless of if you’re wearing shoes or not), since you had to wade through a snowdrift of glitter to get to the box.

Oh. I see. You’re one of those people.

You drop down and gleefully roll around, giggling like a maniac. You throw handfuls of it up into the air, where it sparkles as it falls down (becoming inhaled and probably damaging your lungs). Ain’t it purdy.

You make a glitter angel, because why not. Picking up an armful, you trudge to the opposite wall, trailing glitter like a slug puked out of My Little Pony. With two fingers, you use the glitter’s natural “stick to literally everything forever” properties to draw a smiley face.

That smiley face will remain there until a nuclear holocaust turns this room to ash. And then, because dramatic irony is a thing, this wall and smile will probably be literally the only thing left standing in a hundred mile radius. Thousands of years from now, extraterrestrial beings will come down to the barren, frozen shell that is all that remains of Earth, and they will find this wall, still standing, still with that smile on it.

Because that’s the power of glitter.

Congratulations. You have made something that will outlast you.

I wonder if it’ll stay painted on your face when you press the button again.

Let’s try and see!

DO YOU PRESS THE BUTTON? Yes No