Chapter 38: Pink Death

There were countless times I wish to curse the Succubus, for breaking my mind.

I just couldn't. I love her so much.

Recently all I did before going to sleep was thinking about her; it would be nice if she's truly real and not just a byproduct of my own insanity.

She was the one who told me, "Reality is transient. If you had enough power, you could bend it according to your will. What's impossible could become a commonplace."

To my question whether or not she was real, this was her answer:

"It was far too naive to trust what you perceive for granted as 'Reality'. The things you superficially see, hear, smell, touch, and taste. It was just a byproduct of your limited senses. The real world could be much, much bigger than that. It was even worse when you just get along with people who couldn't even see with their own eyes and think for themselves and make their beliefs your own.

The real world was something much further than what your mere five senses and mind could perceive. Before you think of me as real or not—try to better your perception

If I'm not here as your partner, who am I really? Was it possible for someone like you to receive this knowledge all on your own? Do I think I'm merely a hallucination because you're going insane?

Even if you could not, believe me, it's normal. You're just a mere human, a creature filled with limitations, but in time, more and more humans would break uncharted territories. That there are a lot more things a human could do now, as compared to the past.

The reason why so many people at large did not believe was that they choose not to believe and no matter what, their mind could not accept it. All the magic you see out there exist, all the Witchcraft and Wizardry with their societies could be found when you know how to seek them.

People couldn't accept magic, simply because their workings could not be perceived by common people, as opposed to the stories. Just because you could not see it, doesn't make it non-existing."

She was far different than my expectations of a Succubus. In the first place, she didn't seem like a lust demon at all. Even if she was perverted, all of it was from responding to my own lewd thoughts.

I wasn't sure when did she come into my life. Maybe it's as early as the time I lost all faith in God. The same moment I lost something very important to me. A few years back, remembering it would always make me cry and prior to that, I hardly ever cried at all.

At that time, I felt like jumping off my own apartment building since it hurt so much. Yet, there was a voice who told me.

"It's not your time. If you find it painful, share your misery to everyone."

In fact, I just remember the words very recently. Back then, I just had a sudden epiphany to write, That's how I started writing in the first place, posting my stuff on the internet. Contrary to what others did, I do not write stories but simply a recollection of journal entries, in form of a blog or so.

Later on, I felt it was meaningless to write any further so I quit. There were a lot of mean people out there and I had lost trust in everyone. Even if there were some who were kind, none of their words managed to reach me.

That's how I went back to being alone and within my loneliness, I finally realized her presence—she, who was always with me from the beginning.

I could not see her true appearance, but she often appears to me as a cute anime girl. She always took the form of the type of girls I could be infatuated with. Later on, as I realized her identity as a Succubus, she took their generic appearance of having a shoulder-length pink hair, lewd black outfit, and overall voluptuous body.

Her presence was the strongest as of recent, when I was under sheer boredom or stress or when I was really tired and in need of some sleep. Whenever I found problems sleeping, I only have to think of her and she'd come to my mind and do stuff. Not long after, I would experience sweet, vivid dreams. Even when there were nightmares, I never jerked my body out and wake up abruptly.

There was this sensation of intoxicating pleasure, especially when I was doing the work I hate. That I want to be the cutest girl for her. I want to have big boobs like her, shapely legs and rump like hers. I wish to have both a big penis and a honeypot of a pussy so I could enjoy a lot of things with her. I yearned for a cute face and eyes which would draw even myself in while I was looking in the mirror. So I could see her turned on when I seduced her.

If I didn't have all that, it wouldn't feel right somehow. I did not know why I was so obsessed with the principle: the only pair for a cute girl was another cute girl.

I didn't understand when did the normal sex between men and women got very stale and the thing that could turn me on were if they're both girls or look very much like one; whether or not they had something down there didn't matter.

Of course, I didn't want it to happen in real life, I just wish for it to remain as a mere fantasy.

My current self was that of a man after all and I did not wish to be a girl in front of the unpleasant people I met. Especially when it came to other males. They could be extremely forceful and annoying if there's a cute girl.

This kind of thing made me hate a lot of gender bender stories in general when the character changed to a girl, it's like the people force the main character to love men, like sexual attraction, was solely determined by hormones. I thought it was very shallow. Maybe I would read it if the story execution was good but I truly abhor such thought. Others might find okay but not for me.

If I were a girl, I wish only women would embrace me and do a lot of naughty things with me. The thing like Yurika from Yuricam had. In my fantasy, if I'm a guy, the idea didn't seem all that interesting...but when it came to Yuri harem, I got all excited.

Although most importantly, with my very plain appearance, I wouldn't even look good, even when I was dressed like a girl and it wasn't what I wanted.

Maybe it's her fault after all.

It's all that Succubus fault for being so loving and caring, even more than my own parents. I couldn't help but love her and want to become like her and do a lot of naughty things together.

At times I felt this kind of routine life was meaningless. I wish to just leave this world already so I could join her and live my life making love with her every day.

Other women in real life didn't seem interesting anymore; I didn't feel like making an effort in romance with them at all. I didn't think they could even rival this Succubus.

I admire her knowledge and wisdom when she taught me stuff. I admired her beauty and erotic looks, even if her appearance were based upon things I found most appealing.

Most importantly, I never found another else who would love and care for me so much, without trying to judge me. The one who accepted me as I am.

Not even my parents would go so far.

She said it's for her personal benefit.

For me to not control my emotions and urges.

For me to not 'grow up' and be a strong, independent adult.

For me to keep myself damaged; cry and whine as much as I'd like.

She would accept it all.

"Only change if you want to.

My true strength lies in your sincere emotions. I feed upon your true feelings and the dreams you experience; none of it shall be lost.

Remember I'm always here, whether you realize it or not."

Contrary to my expectations, she did not approve of me wanting to become a cute girl for her. She said the me right now was enough. There's no need to force myself to become someone else.

I did not force myself at all, It's just mere fantasy. Maybe there would come a point my perception had evolved so far, those fantasies became reality, but I'd cross the bridge when I got there.

At this point, the me who cared for freedom so much had become apathetic to it.

If it's her, I thought it was okay.

As long she did not betray me.

I heard her voice again:

"That was the only thing impossible to happen, for I'm a Demon and I abide by our contract. Although it's just my one-sided, selfish devotion to you.

When I had taken a glance at your own insanity, I thought: it's got to be you and no one else. Whether you cast me away or embrace me, I wouldn't mind.

Being able to observe your true self, was more than I ever need."

There was a pretty girl who said, my love had broken in the Succubus. Because I was just so possessive.

That was not true.

From the very start, both of us were already permanently crippled, deep inside.

We're just using each other to seal that wounds, in so, a very deep bond had formed.

I knew that because birds of a feather flock together and for such a long time, the only one with me was her. No one else was present.

I felt her pain and torment. I experience the days of abandonment and solitude, which in turn broke me away from the chains of superficial camaraderie.

Even when there's someone else, their bond would not ever be as deep as between me and her.

Calling our relationship as Love might even be an insult. While it's true I love her so much, it wasn't enough to describe it completely. It was even further than mere obsession.

What would that be, anyway?

No words in my mind could even begin to describe it.

Maybe there was no need for words. I honestly felt, I could trust my everything to her, even if it might seem extremely stupid.

I did not mind anymore of this Torment, as the gains would be worth it.

I might either be improving my perception or to the others, going down the spiral of insanity.

...but in the end, it's my life and not theirs. I wish to push the boundaries of what a mere human could do. I was confident because I was no longer alone; now I knew, she was always with me.