Chapter 21: Torment

It wasn't being alone which made me feel hurt.

It's because I was being with people who made me feel alone.

When I stepped out the open door to show my open self, they'd just be hostile to me. Ah, wouldn't it be great if they all could just disappear from my life, so every day would be peaceful and quiet?

So I didn't have to bear this kind of pain in my heart whenever I stepped out of my own Sanctuary.

Just today, I heard one of them blatantly speaking they want to pierce my stomach with a knife. Should I kill them? I really want to kill them. That's odd, I never did anything which would make people hate me so much. Was my own existence so awful, just by being alive in their eyes, they wish for me to die?

...but you see, I am a coward. I don't have the power to go beyond the laws and karma itself. I don't wish to live my life with fear, of knowing that someone's out there to kill me. I won't act arbitrarily; I would just be relying on justice to eradicate that evil.

Before they managed to do so, they will die a death so gruesome, they wouldn't even think of trying the same thing again, no matter how many lifetimes they experience.

If you think my threat was empty, you would see, this time, I had a legitimate reason, rather than mere resentment. A reason why they might die very soon.

Even if it was a joke, it was not funny. If they and I weren't even friends and they actually tried to provoke me countless times before, don't blame me for this.

...

My desire to become stronger all started with my fears.

I didn't want to have anything precious taken over from me; especially the things I could not get back when lost.

My eyesight; my hearing; my hands and feet; the functionality of my organs.

I was afraid of experiencing pain and torment, of being stripped away of all dignity and unable to fight back in the slightest.

Although, I was not afraid of death, I was afraid of various gruesome things which lead to intense suffering which might continue for long before I finally lost it.

Traffic accidents; murder; sickness; depression; suicide—it wasn't what I was looking for.

If I were to die, I would only accept something peaceful, like during a sleep. That my journey to the next life would be of a safe travel. Yet, I still yearned to live, there are still so many things I wish to do in life.

For threatening my own very being just because I exist, they deserve to die.

If they wish to kill me for how I act, it's still the same, because I would not change my normal behavior and become subservient—they have no right to—how arrogant they could be to those of at least an equal standing? They could bully others who stand out, but not me.

Do I think my life was more worth than them? Of course. Not only I think their own lives more valuable than others. I wasn't a saint or someone with a messiah complex.

Sorry but, the one who's going to take their life isn't me. I just did so, because I care about my life and I wish to protect it.

I did not understand others, but I had a gut feeling, they could just kill and torment others mercilessly just because they judge them as wrong.

...on the second thought, this wasn't the right thing to do. Instead of focusing on the other party's death, I should've focused on protecting myself the best I could.

Yet, I just couldn't help it.

I want to see someone die so miserably, for the first time because I put a significant effort into it. Someone who I thought deserve such things.

I used to think of it out of anger, but now—it's just kind exciting—fun maybe? I want to explore my self a lot more. Even if it's loathsome and disgusting, I'd accept it all. If I could not, then nobody in the world will.

It wasn't anything evil because nobody actually got hurt, or at least not yet. Even if it did, it had nothing to do with me.

Well, it's not like their lives would be forfeit even if I did so, wouldn't it? I am powerless after all. It's not like what I did would make any difference.

If it works, then...that'd be the happiest day of my life, because of GOD! Or any higher power out there had carried their JUSTICE for me! Glory! For! Justice! Yes, that's right.

My life was definitely worth more than those pieces of trash who just focused on making my life harder.

I kinda hope, the moment it came, the detailed scene of their death would be there for me to feast. It'd be even nicer to make me enter the shoes of the killer, the moment where my machete severed their heads or dug itself deep within their skin.

Exquisitely delicious.

Was it any wrong to think of this?

Well, wasn't this kind of entertaining to you? Eh, maybe it's boring after all—probably you'd prefer doing it hands on.

Even if it's wrong, it's just an opinion. It was still a fact that I lived my entire life without actually murdering anyone and not planning to do so, even for fun.

If this could influence someone to murder, it was their fault for being affected by a bunch of nonsense.

Now! The real question, what kind of justice was best served? Your answer, judge.

Chilled? Spraying them with a frozen cold water and quickly freezing their skin until it was completely encased within ice--followed by a smash of sledgehammer across, to break their very existence?

Heated? By mauling their entire body with a club adorned by sharp rusty nails, making sure they did not outright die, gouging their wounds open and pouring acid all over their wounds, especially their internal organs?

I did not like going after their family unless they picked a bad bone with me and I wouldn't call for Justice if they did not wrong me that much.

Oh right! How come didn't I think about it before?

Make it so they would never die before the judge was satisfied. All possible ways of torture until you felt it's enough, then you'd end their life. Maybe you could also put some kind of enslavement? When you'd feel like it, we could put them through torment across their infinite lifetimes whenever you'd like to?

Just make sure they did not get accustomed to the pain at all. Stop just before their mind broke and when they were finally relieved, start over again. Even if it did break, we'd just restore everything and destroy any trace of the experiences from their memory, within both the brain and the soul.

Make so those things never happened to them in the first place and restart it when the need comes.

So they could not get used to it so every pain and torment would feel as great as the very first time? Like when you regressed their mind to a baby and hit the pedal to the metal.

Just how long before it completely broke?

I love your suggestions, judge—but apparently, it was a bit much. It's not like they actually attempted to kill me.

Wouldn't it be good enough to just make it some kind of simulation? Like a game? After all, I was scared of having this happen to myself as a result of that stupid karma.

...but whatever happened, it was not my fault. Their life and death were your decision.

Because I didn't have the capabilities for it in the first place, I took no responsibility for it.

Maybe for you, we're just like NPCs in video games, but in that case, I'd learn to protect myself from the other judges who'd try to put a total control over my life.

Thanks for accompanying me, I'd be sure to watch my back in the meantime.

...and try to rope in someone who could protect me from all of the possible torment while standing on equal terms.

After all, it's not good relying on myself for everything—as for this moment.

It was most reassuring, that Justice was on my side. Although I may not necessarily be on the side of Justice.

Why did I think so?

If Justice wasn't on my side, my life wouldn't generally be happy, despite all of my complaints. All that's left was just weeding out the garbage and it'd be done.

Maybe, one day it'd look like Justice had turned against me, but I knew, the only thing they could do to me was making me stronger.

For that, I'd wish to express my thanks once more.

Glory. For. Justice.