Chapter 16: Yearning for Power

What's a home? To me, it's a place where everything did not change, regardless of my state of mind. Where I felt at ease and 'know' each of its crannies like the back of my hand. Somewhere which perfectly resonate with my current core of personality. When I imagine a place to belong, it would always, lead me back here.

In Qualia the Purple, some people were born to see different things than the others, labeling them as weirdos. In my case, I was a weirdo first, before I start seeing things in my own way.

I was still able to see things as most people did but I could not interpret them the way they did. The things they deem valuable and precious might as well be worthless to me—some of them I did not agree with. I suffered many rejections as I tried being myself and it was quite painful; I lost trust in others.

It's probably because I wasn't cut out to express my feelings as words. Regardless of the content, it's all up to how charismatic the individual was. You could make rape, murder, torture, Mexican sugar dancing and filling people with gas something beautiful.

I had no such charisma. Even by expressing something slightly different, that I think wasn't offensive, people go on hating me left and right.

My lack of it further emphasized, when I often got bored to death just by expressing my thoughts as it was. I simply wasn't cut out for it. So I began to think: what if, my thoughts were expressed in form of sceneries? Of cities for example.

....

It all started from the DOOR of my HOME, directly leading outside. No worries about returning, as long I stayed true and kept a clear head. A chaotic mind would lead to a city of chaos, while my tranquil state would make me visit the city of serene views.

Yet, for reasons I didn't know, my gut told me it's not good to lie about my feelings. I have to embrace all my insecurities and step out of the open DOOR without any sugarcoats. What's most important was not to lose sight of who I was and what I felt, instead of trying to visit the most beautiful place, but coated in lies.

I turned the DOOR knob and accepted everything that's about to come. A sky dyed red in blood, with the air filled with a musty smell. The city with ruined buildings everywhere. Zombies, skeletons, ghosts, wraiths walking aimlessly at the streets. Upon noticing me, they immediately turned away and went along their aimless walk. As if I was the same as them, or at the very least, not among their prey.

That was right, at one point I started to consider whether or not I was a human being or simply something else under a human skin.

I began to walk towards a building with the shape of a human face, it was of a bald androgynous person. It had many DOORS represented by a row of white teeth in the wide open mouth. Its eyes were the window, but nothing inside darkness I could see.

Why did I walk here, in all places? I arrived here for a certain answer.

Sure there were various strange buildings like a town park with a giant hole shaped like a vagina in its center and various oversized ants were marching outta it. There are also various blocks of houses shaped like a hand with the middle finger raised.

Even in one of the many ruined buildings at the outermost entrance, as I tried to enter, there's only an out-of-place clean toilet.

Yet the toilet was the only thing able to talk so far.

I apologized for my intrusion and asked for directions in this strange city. It was impressed with my decision not to talk to the undead because the undead did not take kindly to anyone who'd directly disturb them. It was not about bumping or desecrating them, but simply, trying to communicate, like it was a human being, or as it says—assumedly used to be one.

The dead in here, it said, had an intense hatred of being labeled as once-a-human. Their true origins were a manifestation of human depression but they were not human in the first place.

"You choose what to believe. What I told you may be true or false, yet you know I have no obligation to tell you the truth and you cannot force it out of me because you're weak."

"I'm not weak."

Upon hearing the words 'weak' I stiffened for a bit and anger start to explode within me. I immediately stormed in; my bare hands smashing straight into the toilet; cracking it apart; pouring fountains of blood, which I gladly sipped.

"Delicious."

"You...monster."

"That's right. Now cough it up or I would make it even more painful." I said so as I pulled down my zipper and peed on the toilet hole.

Couldn't be closer than the truth, I AM a monster. The monster born from my human self's weakness, but I DARE YOU to say I am WEAK and I realize just how PATHETIC you're in front of me.

Oh right, I already showed its place.

"Good, now you can happily leave." with my last swing of kick, the toilet broke apart to pieces, beyond repair; mushy organs poured out of it, in which I stomped them one by one or crushed it with my hands.

Whether or not it died did not scare me. Yet I knew, I have to be even more ruthless because it once again, gave me another uncertain hint. I only did this to quell my anger, as I knew, even the bits of my rage would extend across the far reaches of the Multiverse, shrouding whoever object of my anger with Torment--their suffering would be such a treat.

The only one I could trust here was myself. Aimlessly I started walking and that's how I reached this place. I knew it's the right one at last. For how long, I did not know.

Time did not seem to matter, as the skies would always be colored with blood and the sceneries perpetually dark and depressing. Yet, I strangely felt calm, like I was one with the scenery.

...

The answer I sought was in front of me, yet this place did not allow me to enter. No matter how much I searched this entrance or the other places around, there's no visible sign of a DOOR.

I remembered the thing my human self-taught. If the place were apparent but no DOORS were visible. There were reasons why:

You do not know where the DOOR AND you do not have the KEY to open it. A DOOR could be anywhere, as it was merely a point of space where one entered. The possibilities of a KEY were even more numerous. It could be an object, a thought, a feeling.

Yet, there was one thing to note: you could only locate the DOOR and enter it if you possess the KEY.

It was much different than the ones I broke in, containing the toilet.

It was not appropriate to call it a DOOR when a mere monster like me able to break it open by mere brute force.

Call it an 'entrance'.

Possessing the KEY or not was akin to a fated encounter. Either you have it for whatever reason or you do not. The KEY was often things only you could see and use; something within you. As my aimless walk led me to what I felt was the place, the KEY should've been with me.

There were various kinds of KEY. One which would open the DOOR by merely possessing it and standing in the DOOR's vicinity.

Some need an activation method.

Before that, the nature of my KEY should be made apparent. I came here in search of POWER because my master is weak. The place led me here, and I should think about something which represented my master's will.

What is the POWER?

Power is either authority, ability, strength, might but all of it led to few things in common to me: the ability to accomplish, the ability to stand your ground and most importantly, the ability to make your own choice.

You could accomplish things people without POWER couldn't.

You could stand to your beliefs because you have POWER.

You could make the actual choice, instead of having to adhere to the ones others decide for you. A privilege of choice, such is POWER.

As soon as this realization hit me, the correct words seem to make itself into my mind.

So I spoke:

"For this is my own choice; I enter this place at my own volition."

...

I immediately found myself in an unfamiliar home. I saw a person who looked like a much older version of my master.

He had a thick white beard and hair but most of his hairs were still intact and his body seems to be in a perfect condition, even youngsters would envy.

"What do you seek?" a tired, heavy and hoarse voice rumbled across the entire building. While such a voice could easily overwhelm others, it wasn't enough to make me falter.

"An answer," I answered resolutely.

"Are you sure you want me to answer it?"

"While it was true, that POWER was something earned by oneself, it's not uncommon for one to walk the path paved by the masters of the old."

"...but, do you KNOW who I am, before deciding to receive my tutelage?"

"Do origins matter in the first place? For what I know, as a teacher, the only important was their ability and the students could judge it themselves."

"You at least need to KNOW it, to know whether my teachings would be of value to you and your master—a student's incapability to comprehend does not mean the master is terrible at teaching. Your ignorance had cost us a good amount of our time."

"Easy for you to say, but how am I supposed to KNOW you, when you supposedly only exist in here?"

"Is that another one of your ignorant assumptions? On what basis do you believe, I only exist in here?"

"How do I know everything you refer to in the first place? If I already know, it would be of no use trying to seek you in the first place. Why would I need to seek a teacher if I already attained the correct knowledge?"

"Let me ask: how do you know if your knowledge is correct or not?"

"Because it's of perfect adherence to my self of being. I am in pursuit to KNOW more about myself any knowledge that could advance my knowing--"

"That by itself is flawed. What use is knowing your own self, if, in the end, you could not accomplish anything, could not stand by your ideals, or to make your own choice?

Let's say you are a weak person who just knows about your so-called 'significance' and someone you could not fight, mercilessly beat you down, until you whole-heartedly believe you're a piece of garbage?"

"Nobody like that exists. Even you could not make me."

"Oh? Why so?"

"Because you believe the same thing as me, those who abandoned their beliefs just to prove themselves to others are weak. Even if you have the power, you could not beat me because I possess the KEY."

"You sure have an unbreakable belief that you're the strongest. Don't you know there's always mountain above mountain, or sky above the sky?"

"It's not possible for a mountain to be above a mountain in my world. Every mountain always starts from the ground (even Olympus Mons at Mars), some others the sea floor (Mahuna Kea). I have never heard of a mountain which stood atop another one.

The sky above has nothing to do with the ones below. The outermost Exosphere with little to no gravity as the planet's boundary field. The high Thermosphere which burned everything inside it, enabling Ionosphere existing on their side to Ionize the atoms of the air for radio waves transmits towards the interplanetary Systems. Don't get me started with Troposphere, Stratosphere, and Mesosphere too. It had no indication that the sky above was superior to another—they were all essential, just different purposes."

"It was only in your world--"

"Why do I have to care about matters outside of my own world, before I had KNOWN and learned of my own world? You implied you're a capable teacher, but you neglected the importance of my fundamentals just to prove your own point."

"Do you think to cut the words that proved you wrong make you right? In my world, a superior mountain always stood tall atop the inferior one, the same as the skies!"

"It does not prove me wrong because it's only in your world. Forget about it. Just visiting here was a waste of time."

"...do you think you could just leave?"

"In the first place, I do not leave. I'm just returning."

I cleared my hand and isolated myself from everything, only thinking about my own self and the kind of place I always longed to be.

...

Another fruitless endeavor.

Not entirely fruitless though. Among his words, I could remember a few correct things.

KNOW the ones you're dealing with.

KNOW what you wish to KNOW.

There is always a way to KNOW.

In KNOWING the teachings, I have gained the POWER.

..

I understand why my belief is flawed.

Those that believe themselves to be ALWAYS RIGHT will fix many things, but not themselves. It's fruitless to argue with them because they would waste your time until you concede that they're right and they would keep saying to everyone how WRONG you are.

That's why, the moment you saw them, those that could see past their facade, would know how BROKEN they were.

I just want to live a quiet life. Let my monster just shut him up and be done with it. He could do accomplish it because he's strong.

Even if my belief's flawed, it doesn't mean I should abandon it for the 'correct' one. Wouldn't it be simple just to fix it? I paved it with my own hard work and it's seeped much too deep in me. I could not live with any other belief.

The one who knew me best is myself and naturally, I should be the one to patch things up. Sure there are experts at fixing people, but I never trust someone who doesn't KNOW myself and what kind of FIX I truly needed.

Even if others BROKE me, their taking responsibility would not change anything. I do not wish to rely on these people.

What about God, you ask?

Depends on which God. I, in general, do not agree with most of their teachings. Even if they claim they KNOW me, they might just give the advice to make me adhere to their own religion and I do NOT wish for that.

Well, one last thing.

To know how BROKEN I am, I need to KNOW what exactly is BROKEN. Both the problem and the way to fix it would reveal itself from my own KNOWING. Just like, by holding the KEY, you could reveal the DOOR and the way to unlock it.

While entering the DOOR had no connection to fixing myself, it's also due to entering, it led me to KNOW.

I am broken because I'm WEAK.

I am just a mere human, powerless against everything. Without being able to associate with others and having to hide my true self I kept losing my options to succeed in life.

To fix this, I need to become STRONG, to stand tall regardless of what everyone believes and continue my own path, albeit alone--but it's most important to believe, all I need is TIME.

It will all happen with TIME because what I could not accomplish today, I could do so in the next.

Why TIME?

Without TIME, how do you expect me to do anything? How can you give someone an assignment, yet no TIME to accomplish it? Even if you said, submit whenever you want, there's still a TIME given, albeit indefinite. Maybe it's until their death or until they decided to abandon or forget it completely.

For now, I just have to accept, I had done my best.

What if it DID NOT HAPPEN, you ask?

Well, it definitely would not happen if you DID NOT TRY.

No effort, no results.

I paid it with the effort so I will gain my results. Whether bad or good it appears on the surface did not matter.

Eh, maybe for others, something would happen without doing anything. I did not wish to rely on chance encounters or luck.

Nevertheless, to me, the most important thing was to make the best use of whatever happened for my own benefit. That opportunities did not come but was made.

I did not like the idea that opportunities did not come twice and you must make the best use of it. I do not wish to place my entire fate on the hands of whoever this so-called 'opportunity' brought in.

Maybe it's more romantic to think, you're the captain of your own fate. You can take your time and create it when you've already prepared what you could,

instead of jumping the bandwagon like anyone else, where you didn't even know who you are and what you wish to accomplish by doing so—just because this 'opportunity' comes in front of you.

Yet, I know only the strong could make their own opportunity. That is why I wish to become strong.

It's not wrong to jump on the bandwagon because most important of all, was to survive, until you could be powerful enough or just simply living your life without a care of it.

After all, for many others, having POWER might not be as important.

It was my choice to wait until I become strong enough to overpower the entire world; the multiverse; the gods; transcendent beings and even the Deus ex Machina, if they wish to deny me and my ideals of its existence.

I do not wish for them to accept me. I just want for them to be unable to mess with me or disturb me in the slightest.

With all the POWER in my hands, my only wish was just a quiet life.

A peacefully, quiet, LIFE.

I did not remove the possibility of losing. It might be an infinitesimally small chance of me ever triumphing, but my only choice was to fight in my own way lest all I had built would be lost. I'd cross the road when I get there.

Did I convey my feelings and ideals as words? I don't think it was.

Their true form was a City and the name of that place was Home.