Fuck that was horrible!

"Don't worry young one everything will be just fine."

Grey? Thanks. I think the sectmaster went crazy.

"Here take these."

What is that?

"My eyes. Take them." ❂.❂

What?!

"I don't need any. I always have my eyelids closed anyway. Now take it!"

[No, I don't want your eyes! Keep them! Keep them!]

"You must take it, or you'll never become a mage. I believe in you!"

In what kind of crazy universe can eyes be exchanged to become stronger!

What the fuck is wrong with these people…

--------

"Check out my pecs!" (҂◡̀_◡́)ᕤ

Wait why is bald eagle here now? Anyway, his pecs are epic.

"Thanks, Bro!".

Did he just read my thoughts? Wasn't that Grey's setting?

[Are there laser-raptors too?]

"No. This ain't the Viking age. Obviously."

True that.

--------

White light everywhere.

Is this the god realm?

[Do you know why I am a goddess?]

What?

[I'm a goddess because I have huge boobs. Like impossibly humongous. As big and round as the moons themselves. That's why I'm the moon goddess.] ( . Y . )

For such a reason?!

[And do you know why you can't be my champion?]

Because I lack potential?

[Because you aren't good-looking.]

Fuck that goddess!

[What god?! That's obviously bullshit!] (MC's line)

--------

Hum. I'm in the dungeon. The warden is here whipping the first elder of the unnamed god sect. Blood is flowing everywhere.

[Stop it! He's almost dead! He's on our side! Stop the torture!].

"Oh. Young master."

"Hello, sectmaster."

[How are you so calm while going through this?!].

Why are they glancing at each other…shyly? ╰(⸝⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝⸝)╯

"Should I tell him?"

"No, you do it"

"No you!"

"No you dummy haha" (●///∀///●)

"Here is the thing sectmaster. While it may seem a bit gory at first. Especially with my trips going out of my stomach. There is a good reason for this. You see me and the warden here are big fans of S&M. Like big times. I can't enjoy this without a few organs getting destroyed you see."

"I know it's a lot to take in, but could you give us your blessings in our next upcoming life?"

"Please Young master (sectmaster)! x2)"

[You know what? You deserve it. Enjoy your next life to the fullest! I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines!]

"Thank you! X2!"

Ah. Both of them are bowing. Well one is bowing, the other just lowers his head. He's kinda strapped on the wall. Is that a kidney on the floor? Oh well, I won't judge their love.

--------

*Sound of thunder in the background *

"Yo slave!"

Cultivator dude? Why is he here?

"I need a favor."

That kind of friend eh. Only contacts you when he has a favor to ask. Well, whatever. I wonder what he's up to?

"You see I'm about to go through a power-up soon too."

What's with all these power-ups?

"So as you know I'm from a cultivation world and there will be a lightning tribulation".

Oh, that explains the sounds. Okay and?

"I figured since I'm the cool main character archetype, suave looking, strong, …"

I get it so?

"I decided going through a normal tribulation wouldn't be cool enough for me. So, I decided I'm gonna do something crazy. I'm gonna use my heavenly tribulation to start a fire and cook."

Wait? What? That kinda reminds me of the fire boar barbecue.

Hey, that's totally a copycat!

"Don't worry about that, mine is gonna be way better!"

Then I'll worry! Wait I didn't say a word no?

"Oh yeah, Grey taught me the mind-reading spell."

What?! I'm his student! Me! Not you!! WTF!

"Oh, it requires affinity to all magic elements."

What do you mean all?

"All of them. Just give up."

Fuck life is so unfair. But what does lightning cooking has to do with me?

*sound of thunder in the background*

"Well, that's where you come in. I'm gonna guide the lightning with my sword, cause I'm a sword cultivator. I'm gonna strike the coolest pose there is. Ever. Now while I do the motion, I need you to be the narrator for me."

What?

"Don't worry even if you are a bit dumb, I'll explain clearly. So, at the exact moment the lightning strikes I need you to say in a deep ancient-sounding voice: let there be fire."

That's it? How is that complicated?

"No no! Not that simple! You need to strike the appropriate pose yourself."

What why?

"How are you to have a cool narrator voice if you can't even get into character? You need to become something like a profound dashing expert. Like me, you know."

Ugg Fine. So, what do I need to do?

*sounds of thunder in the background*

"You want to stand like so."

Your hands are on my ass.

"I know. Concentrate."

Still on my ass!

"I'm aware. Focus! Otherwise, we won't ever be done!"

Fuck. Fine! So I stand like that?

"Yes tilt your head upward. As if you were looking down on a giant. As if you are looking down on a god itself."

Oh yeah. I can totally do that. Fuck those gods. Seriously. Like really fuck them.

"Alright, are you ready?"

Yes.

"On the count of 3."

Can we do the count without you grabbing my ass?

"No. 3.2.1."

[Let there be fire!]

I do a sword-swinging motion to get into the spirit.

"Nice that was perfect! A shame. Such a shame. Tsk tsk."

What is?

"Well, that rehearsal was great. But it seems we are about to run out of time."

What?

"It seems you are about to wake up."

What do you mean wake up?

"Silly, you really are a dumbass haha. This is obviously a dream."

It is?! ( ・o・)

"Otherwise, why would we both be naked?"

WTF!!!!

****

Holy shit. That was one crazy-ass dream. Like hella crazy.

I'm not even on drugs! WTF. Σ(ﾟﾛﾟ)

WTF was that dream!

Now that I think about it there were a few clues hinting it wasn't real.

Like Luna coming from nowhere, or the sectmaster and his piss wine, or grey with his eyes….

OK. Maybe a bit more than a few clues.

Probably the stress from being a human dumpling getting to me.

Fuck that Treant.

Oh right. Where is that Treant?

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE?!

The ground is scorched. No vine to be seen. The Treant is missing bark, all dried up, its eyes are empty, and the trunk is burning.

No sign of life.

WTF. How the fuck is there fire here?! I don't know anything that can do that sort of damage.

Oh, wait. I know! Lightning! I did hear a lot of thunder in my dream.

Holy fucking shit. That means there was a thunderstorm here.

The apocalyptic kind. (⊙﹏⊙)

Haha. I'm unharmed. The branches holding me are all destroyed. What a funny twist of fate!

The Treant that tried to kill me ended up inadvertently protecting me haha. With its own body to say the least!

That doesn't really seem in line with my luck, however…. oh?

What's that? {´◕ ◡ ◕｀}

Omfg! Did I have this thing around my neck all this time?

I was convinced I was naked by now.

This necklace from Bald Eagle.

I'm sure this is a lucky charm.

No wonder he kept telling me how precious it is.

I just forgot about it. Maybe I need to rub it for it to take effect?

Either way, this is the best!

I'm out of here!

Sayonara bitches! For fucking real this time! φ(^∇^ )