Chapter 28 Milk and Bananas

“How do you think milk was invented? Genuine question, was a guy just staring at a cow when it gave birth and thought: ‘Hey! I can totally milk that tiddy!’” - Dare, C Class Cowl during a tense hostage negotiation.

Peace.

A blank sleep, uninterrupted by nightmares, horrors and trauma.

No longer did he worry about a flower weaved of endless hands devouring him in his dreams, no longer was he haunted by demons internal.

He simply slept, blankly in the darkness of soothing unconsciousness.

It was the most restful few hours Aiden had had in the past week.

Unfortunately, tranquillity ended as all things did.

Loud noises came from the living room and Aiden woke as all people did.

Graceless and snarling at the sun like a raccoon wrapped in a burrito. Eyes filled with hate at the bane who had stolen his placid slumber.

He fell out of bed much like a log and rolled exactly like one until he bumped into a wall, forced to rise, he glared blindly at his room. Eyes not better than that of a naked mole-rat before he found the tortured and duct-taped remains of his glasses.

Idly, he thought about the logistics of metahuman equipment, the need to ensure they could survive high-level fights with an uncountable variety of threats whilst retaining effective usage, not to mention the need to constantly replace them. His phone was destroyed in the last battle, and his glasses were found barely intact. He wasn’t even losing some fancy hero equipment like a suit or a raygun, these were basic things he needed for normal everyday life, already Aiden could see replenishing these fundamentals as a constant and regular expense that would bite into his finances.

Then he walked into his door because he was still only half awake.

Mentally cursing the inventor of doors, the concept of the cube earth and the universe in general, Aiden ambled out into the living room.

“... who’s a good girl…”

There, he found Jun, maskless and petting a dog, seemingly uncaring of the fact its fur was about eighty percent dirt, and how it seemed to get everywhere.

Aiden bit his lip, his eyes glaring at the dirty marks left on the floor, warring with the fact it was simply too early for this shit.

Instead, he yawned, “Good morning.”

“Say good morning Ms Fluffernutter,” Jun raised one of the dog’s- Ms Fluffernutter’s front paws and waved it at him.

Aiden waved back, if only out of politeness. Before heading to the kitchen, finding his stash of mind-affecting drugs. “Want some coffee?” he asked.

“Sure.”

“Milk and cream?”

“I guess.”

He quickly prepared it, letting it cool as he gave a once over of the state of his fridge.

It had been utterly ravaged last night, the takeaway not enough to satisfy the hunger of two starving teenagers. Aiden was the worst of the two, and his ears reddened slightly as he looked at a lettuce bunch that he had directly taken a bite out of.

He shook himself out of the sensation, instead, taking some ingredients out.

“Breakfast?”

“You can cook?” Jun asked, looking up surprised.

Aiden took a long sip from his coffee.

Outside on the balcony, black wings flapped down and landed, “It is a basic life skill.”

“Yip!”

“See,” Ranpo said, “even the dog agrees.”

“Her name is Ms Fluffernutter,” Jun corrected as they stood up. “Also show me!”

Jun made their way to the kitchen, glancing around curiously, their hand reaching for the counter before Aiden forcefully grabbed it by the wrist.

“Wash your hands,” he said, eyeing the dirty paws they almost desecrated his kitchen with.

“Oh!” Jun said before Aiden let go, seeing they were now reaching for the soap.

“Does the dog need breakfast as well?”

“I keep telling you it’s Ms Fluffernutter!” Jun said as they dried their hands. Quickly swiping over her face to put on the Nightcore mask.

“It’s too long,” Ranpo answered as he flew inside, warily eying the dog. “Names like Ranpo and Aiden are clearly bad-”

“Hey,” Aiden interjected as he took out some meat and vegetables.

“-but at least they’re short and snappy. To the point, you know?”

“So I should call her something shorter?”

“That’s what I think, but you can still keep the longer name.”

“How about Nutter?”

““No,”” both Aiden and Ranpo answered.

“What about Fluffer? Ahhhhh, butitjustdoesn’thavethesamerhymefeelingwithoutNutter,” she wrung her hair, “Fluffy?”

“Fluffy works,” Aiden said, taking out a cutting knife.

“Yip!”

“Dog agrees,” Ranpo confirmed.

“Canyouactuallyunderstandwhatshe’ssaying?” Jun asked.

“Yeap,” Ranpo answered, though Aiden saw a hint of mischief in the crow’s face. One he wouldn’t have recognised a few days prior, without observing him. “Hey, Fluffy! Say something.”

Fluffy barked.

“Fluffy says she demands tribute in the form of three virgins, bird seeds and human livers, to be paid through an intermediary who understands animal speech.”

Jun’s face scrunched up slightly as Aiden made some toast, “Bird seeds and liver?”

“Livers are his favourite part of a corpse,” Aiden said, giving away the game.

“First, ew, second, ewww.”

“Yip!”

Ranpo shrugged, “Yeah, I have no idea what she’s saying, only other crows for me, though you would not believe what they say.”

“The bird seeds I get,” Jun continued, “but virgins? Why virgins?”

Ranpo shrugged again, “Don’t know, apparently it’s a popular sacrifice for gods or something.”

“But what do gods even do with virgins?” Jun asked as Aiden passed her her coffee. She pulled down her mask and took a tentative sip out of it, revealing her mouth was missing a tooth.

“Thisisn’tasbitterasIexpected.”

“You asked for cream and I hate bitter coffee,” Aiden answered as he set out three plates, two with toast, one with assorted bird seeds. “What happened to your tooth?”

“Shit, I think I spat it out yesterday,” she muttered, fingering the gap where it once was, “Either way, what is with virgin sacrifices?”

“Maybe virgins are the gods’ type,” Ranpo answered.

“Sounds like a bunch of perverts,” Jun observed as she took a bite of her toast. “Like if I was a god I would ask for practical stuff.”

“Like?” Aiden asked as he began preparing the dog’s meal.

“Clothes for one, a lifetime supply of Mr Pepper, maybe a NetFlicker subscription. Oh! And you know that heroine? The one from West Afrika with the webs?”

Aiden searched his mind, finding the knowledge from Bu easily, “The one who keeps saying she’s Anansi’s daughter?”

“That’s the one! Yeah, I’ll definitely ask for her.”

“Not even a single term as a deity and you’re already asking for human sacrifices,” Ranpo noted with an expression Aiden associated with a wry smile, “I like it.”

“I mean have you seen her abs?” Jun retorted, “They’re so hard you can grate vegetables on it!”

“Can you not fill my mind with such images while I’m cutting vegetables?” Aiden asked as he chopped some baby spinach. He was less accurate with his left hand, but the general movements were still the same, though his right arm wasn’t as good at moving in rhythm with his cuts, so he had to slow down considerably.

“Wait, why are you cutting vegetables?”

“I thought the dog- Fluffy asked for breakfast.”

“Yip!”

“Dogs are omnivores,” Ranpo added, seeing the question on Jun’s face, “adding some grains and vegetables are actually good for a healthy diet.”

“Wait so I only get some toastwhileyou’repreparingawholeassmealforFluffy?”

“You’re a grown teenager, you can survive off toast,” Aiden answered, before glancing at the clock, “plus we won’t have much time to do anything else.”

She followed his gaze, “Oh yeah, we still have class.”

Aiden nodded and Jun and Ranpo continued talking as he took out some leftover rice, ground beef and an egg. He paused slightly as he saw a brownish vegetable at the bottom of the fridge.

It appeared much like a potato, except that its skin was interlaced by a furry web of mycelium that Aiden knew extended to within.

It was a vegetable that did not exist in his previous world, simply known as a Godfather’s Apple. The product of an ability, it was created from fusing a potato and several species of symbiotic fungus, it had a few traits that were noteworthy.

One was the fact it could be planted in any environment and soon yield edible roots.

Any environment.

Toxic garbage dumps, sites of nuclear fallout, the frozen wastelands of the Arctic, even Gapples planted on lightless asteroids in the vacuum of space were found to soon grow into edible roots. No matter the environment, it remained completely edible while retaining none of the expected deformities or toxins expected from the environment it was grown in, in fact, locations, where Gapples were planted, became more hospitable. Hard and desolate stones turned into rich soil, glasses and plastics get broken down into nothing, radiation and toxins disappear, after a few plantings even the most inhospitable locations became fit for greater agricultural pursuits.

There were limits of course, a desert would still receive little rain and the sun would still bear heavily upon the earth, but the soil in which these vegetables were planted in would become fit for a wide variety of other, less hardy plants. Even then, a person could subsist entirely on these Gapples for their entire life.

It was very simply put, an utter fuckery of the laws of physics he knew, the effect of a miraculous meta ability, one that persisted long after the original user’s death. There were countless objects in this world like this, made mundane because of how long they’d been around.

Holding one in his hand, Aiden whispered. “Godfather’s Apples.”

And nothing happened.

He silently put it back as he returned to the other, less fantastical ingredients.

As Aiden prepared the dog’s food, his mind drifted to that deformed cleaver tucked away in his room. Unlike his previous assumption, he was clearly capable of replicating supernatural effects, ‘so why did this and every other attempt except that one fail?’

It was not a problem of knowledge, for he had researched much.

It was not a matter of whether he had personally witnessed the supernatural lifeform, for he held a Gapple in his hand and wasn’t able to replicate it.

Perhaps seeing the ability being used?

As he cleaned his hands, he simply whispered.

“King Nothing.”

And nothing happened.

Not even a finger of the original user appeared as a tattoo.

He finished cooking the dog’s food. It was a simple recipe, just mixing the various ingredients before microwaving it. Walking out of the kitchen, he glanced at the crow and human still talking.

“... and I said, that’s not my sister!” Ranpo exclaimed. “I have no idea whose body that is!”

Jun hollered at the joke as Fluffy turned her head from atop her lap, leaping down, it cautiously came to Aiden.

He put down the bowl and extended his one palm, letting the dog sniff it, after it acclimated, he pushed the bowl forward, letting Fluffy sniff it as well before she finally dug in.

“Finally got some food in her,” Ranpo said, glancing at Fluffy. “The other crows were eyeing her for dessert.”

“Really?” Jun asked, “Which crows? I’llbeatthemup!”

“You’ll beat up a bird?” Aiden asked.

“I’ll throw hands with a bird, how hard could it be?”

At that point, Ranpo flew over Jun’s head and started lightly pecking it. She threw her hands around trying to shoo him off, but the crow’s superior aerial mobility allowed him to easily evade even superspeed flailings.

“Owow!”

“About that hard,” Aiden answered as the crow retreated.

“And multiply by six for each crow,” Ranpo finished.

Jun’s eyes gleaned, “So six crows it is huh…”

“Wait no, that was supposed to demonstrate you should not mess with the great and powerful crow kin-”

Aiden bopped Ranpo on the head. “Quick tip, use their immense hubris to your advantage, they love monologuing.”

Ranpo tsked, “I am not hubristic.”

“Exactly what a hubristic person would say,” Jun immediately replied with a sagely nod.

Aiden smiled slightly, before he grabbed his bag, “Anyway, are we heading out? It’s getting late.”

“Sure,” Jun answered, standing up, “we can head straight-”

“You should drop Fluffy at your home by the way,” Aiden added.

She looked at him.

“Can’t I leave him at your place for the day?”

“I am not leaving the dog you adopted unattended in my house,” Aiden said, eyes narrowing on the mud sticking to the animal’s fur.

“You let Ranpo unattended in your house,” Jun pointed out.

“First off, Ranpo is smart enough to operate my rice cooker-”

“Though I don’t have any dammable thumbs to hold the measuring cups.”

“-and second off, he does not leave behind dirty pawprints everywhere.”

Jun shrugged, “Aight, fair points mate.”

Then grabbed Fluffy and gently lowered her into her bag. “I’ll just bring her to school with me!”

Aiden’s brain short-circuited for a moment, likely a result of rampant caffeine addiction. “Wait no, what if you get caught!?”

“It’ll be fineee,” she answered with a smile. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Detention, death, or even worse… expulsion,” he uttered with a shudder.

“Why does he count expulsion as worse than death?” Jun quietly whispered to Ranpo.

“He has strange priorities,” the crow whispered back.

“In the first place why would death even be an outcome?” she whispered back.

“I think it’s the coffee, I always knew rampant drug abuse would lead to horrid places.”

“You know I can hear you,” Aiden said, tapping his tattoo-covered ears.

Jun whistled in innocence, well, tried, it sounded more like blowing hot air than anything of melody, to the point artists might actually be insulted if someone likened it to music.

Aiden rubbed his brow, and spoke with an exasperated sigh, “Why am I worrying about this? I’m not your dad, bring Fluffy along if you want.”

“Wasn’t asking for your permission but thanks for giving it either way!”

Jun cheerily took two steps towards the door before suddenly she blurred.

Aiden found himself holding her bag and Fluffy staring at him while he heard a door get violently slammed shut.

He approximated, from the sudden pained groans echoing his apartment, that she was in his bathroom.

“Aidenwhattheflipdidyoufeedme!?”

“Coffee and toast what about it?”

“Whatdidyouputinthecoffee!?”

“Well, coffee obviously!”

There was a strange noise, which he quickly realised was a groan sped up to about two times speed. “Whatelse!?”

“You asked for milk didn’t you?”

“Andyouputactualmilk?” she yelled back.

“Well, what else could I put in it?”

“Ithoughtyouputsoyorsomeshit! I’mlactoseinterolantyoudickhead!”

His eye twitched, “How was I supposed to know you were lactose intolerant?”

“Lactose intolerance is highly prevalent in Asians! I thought you knew!”

“But you still asked for milk!”

“I was petting Fluffy! Plus aren’t you the weirdo for actually having normal milk?”

“Oh and I’m the weirdo now for being able to digest lactose?”

“Yes, you kinda are!” Don’t you know over ninety percent of Asians can’t digest milk? What are you, a Banana?!” [1]

“I did not! Thank you for the fact!” he answered, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“You’re welcome!” she replied, voice similarly filled with sarcasm.

Aiden breathed out, calming himself as he pushed up his glasses and rubbed his eyes, “Look, sorry, I wasn’t aware, I’ll keep note of this next time.”

“Ohcomeon. You’regoingtobethebiggerpersonhere?” There was a sigh from the bathroom, “Yeah, sorry, for yelling, it was stupid, just caught me with my pants down.”

“Literally,” Ranpo said.

Jun chuckled, “Aight, I’m done-”

There was a pause.

“Aiden?” Jun asked, her voice calm. “Why is your toilet paper wrong side up?”

Aiden raised an eyebrow, “What?”

“Your toilet paper has the end coming out from the back,” her voice replied.

“I’ve always put it that way.”

“Oh god, I met a psychopath.”

“It’s just toilet paper!”

“Aiden the milk thing was fine! You’re white on the inside, nothing wrong with that! But toilet paper is a universal constant!”

“There is nothing wrong with toilet paper coming from the back!”

“Toilet paper is what separates people from animals Aiden! Do you really want to be less than an animal?”

“There are third world countries where they don’t have toilet paper and literally shit into pig pens!” Aiden raved in response.

“The existence of worse offenders does not justify lesser crimes! You don’t let a murderer go just because they’re not serial killers!”

“You both have it wrong,” Ranpo cut in.

Both humans stopped and stared at the crow, well, one did, Jun sorta had a door between them.

“Clearly the superior way to defecate is to do so on random people in the park.”

Jun was speechless.

Aiden shuffled a step away from Ranpo.

“What’s the time!” Aiden yelled as he ran.

“For the eighth time, it’s 8:52!” Jun yelled in response beside him.

“Fuck fuck we’re going to be late!”

“If you didn’t give me milk we would be on time!” Jun yelled.

“If you didn’t spend so long talking shit we would be fine!”

“I should’ve bought popcorn,” Ranpo said as he flew above the two teenagers. Both desperately pushing aside pedestrians and parkouring over park benches.

“Fuck it I’m getting ahead first!” Jun yelled, pulling up her Nightcore mask which she had let down during breakfast. Suddenly she sped off, leaving Aiden behind.

Aiden snarled, “Ranpo scout for me!”

“Sounds like work.”

“I will buy you more bird seeds!”

“And some human livers,” Ranpo raised.

Aiden gritted his teeth, “I can’t get you human livers.”

“Good enough,” Ranpo said as he flew higher.

“That bastard bird, which idiot raised him?” asked the idiot who raised the bastard bird.

“Avoid the 3rd left turn, there’s a bank robbery in progress.”

Aiden took another route, following the crow flying above.

“There’s a pile of zombie corpses two more blocks forward, change streets.”

“Blockade further to the right… Oh damn, that’s a fight.”

“Avoid the next street, there’s a peapod thing that’s shootings peas at everyone.”

And like that, the gates of M.I.A soon entered his sight. The ground rushed beneath him as his heart beated like a beast in its cage. Further in, Aiden could still see students challenging the parkour course the school called a front yard, he made it on time! He finally allowed himself to slow down, stopping just outside the school, his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath.

“I made it…” he breathlessly whispered.

Ranpo landed on his shoulder, “That was a weird experience.”

“What was?” Aiden asked as he rose and stretched his arms.

“This was the first time I’ve seen you acting like a stupid teenager.”

Aiden paused.

“What about it?”

Ranpo shrugged, “I don’t know, you’ve felt like a dead fish this entire time, it was weird seeing you suddenly having a personality.”

“Huh,” Aiden said, blinking in surprise. “You’re right, that was the first time I’ve raised my voice in several years.”

It… it was strange. He got really pissed and shouted angrily, even though the subject didn’t matter.

“Either way, I’m going to go see if there are any other intelligent birds in this city, have a nice day,” Ranpo said as flew off.

“Have a nice day too…” Aiden murmured, mostly automatically.

He took a step forward, mind distracted. Was this teenage body more emotional than his previous? It made sense, given what he knew already, and the things that happened weren’t the situations he was used to repressing in, there was no danger, no immediate threat, no reason to repress his emotions.

Should he still try to stop it?

He could, he absolutely had enough experience controlling his emotions and reactions to do so. He got angry over some stupid shit, yelled at someone and ended up almost late, none of which were positive things.

And he felt the beating of his chest, the adrenaline in his veins, the hotness of his face as he breathed and the air filling his lungs.

Aiden realised he didn’t dislike this feeling.

He stepped into the school feeling like he learnt something important, yet simultaneously mundane and meaningless.

Then his feet sank into the ground, immobilising him to the spot.

Right in front of him was a clock, with its hands pointing at a very specific time.

‘9:06.’

“Oh fuck-”

The ground opened beneath him and he landed softly in a dark room with a single light that brightly shined into his eyes. Looking away, he noticed there were other students, standing stiffly at attention, Jun included. Her eyes darted to him for the briefest moment.

“Well, well, well,” a heavy clang sounded throughout the room as a massive shadow stepped towards them.

Pulling back the blinding lamp, was a massive and imposing figure, his height well over two metres and with twice the bulk to fill it.

Principal General Monger smiled, an expression that would have a shark fleeing to the furthest ocean, “What do we have here?”

Not one of them dared speak and only a few dared breathe.

“Are any of you capable of reading the time?”

Aiden nodded, the muscles of his neck stiff.

“THEN YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALL LATE!”

The Principal General threw something and Aiden, along with every other student next to him, found a piece of paper in their hands.

“DETENTION AFTER SCHOOL FOR ALL OF YOU MAGGOTS!”

And they all found themselves back above ground. Fingers tightly gripping the late pass in their hands. Right before the massive and shifting parkour course.

[1] Slang, means yellow on the outside but white on the inside.