Jiraiya wanted to die.

It was three days since he got 'married' according to the customs of the nobles from the Land of Earth and so far it was an utter nightmare. ​​

Imagine his horror when his father-in-law, Kazuhiro Iwako, a man in his mid-forties started to lecture him, the best member of the legendary Sannin, the spymaster of Konoha, the most stunning man in the Land of Fire, the Super Pervert in his early fifties himself, about all the rules and regulations of being married to a noble 'lady'!

'More like a noble whale! Do you have any idea how hard is it to sleep when the girl in the bed clinging to you feels as if the entire mountain has been dropped on your back!? If I wasn't such a strong shinobi, I would be squashed!' Jiraiya shuddered and mentally groaned, blinking his haunted eyes tiredly as he realized his father-in-law was still making his shovel speech to him. 'Man~, is he still going on? This reminds me of the times when I was scolded by Sensei for peeking in hot springs as a kid. Jeez.' He almost rolled his eyes.

"...And that, Jiraiya-kun is the rule number 269 of our household. Do you understand?" Kazuhiro sternly said. Jiraiya, however, couldn't really take the situation seriously. Not when Kazuhiro's bald head was in such a good angle that it basically shone when light from the window landed on it.

In the end, Jiraiya could only dumbly nod in agreement. He didn't even know how to feel. Finding amusement in the shine of a bald man... he knew how childish it was of him but can you blame him? After being told that, no, his 'research' is forbidden from now on? That he can no longer visit any fine establishments and has to stay completely faithful to his new wi-, wife? That there are more rules he will have to live by than in the goddamn shinobi rulebook?

"Now, this morning my daughter conveyed her wish to go shopping." Kazuhito started, attracting Jiraiya's attention, causing him to stare dumbly at his father-in-law in a way that obviously said 'and what does that have to do with me?'. Kazuhito, however, just smiled at the man who taught the Yellow Butcher. "Don't worry, I volunteered you to accompany her and be the gentleman who compliments her looks and carries her bags. Just a bit of advice though. My daughter never stops her shopping spree before an entire carriage is filled. Good for you that you are such a strong ninja and will be able to carry her stuff around, no?" Kazuhiro's eyes gleamed in amusement at the abject horror that appeared on Jiraiya's face.

Yes... Jiraiya really wanted to die. He only hoped Sarutobi-sensei would know how to get him free from this torture.

...

Hiruzen stared at the missive in front of him, his mind refusing to comprehend what it was saying. Now, Sarutobi was an old man who lived through many wars and saw many things. Many things that others would believe to be an utter fantasy and write them off as impossible. Things such as Danzo actually disbanding his ROOT or massive fox devastating his village. Inconceivable things.

But this... this had even him, the wise Professor, in a bind.

"Jiraiya... married? Earth Noble?" Hiruzen muttered, his right hand slowly creeping closer to his chest as if to grab his weak heart and trying to prevent it from having a heart attack while his mind swirled, trying to make any sense of what he just read.

Oh, Hiruzen was an old political monster and he could clearly see the diplomatic shitstorm his apprentice caused. It didn't matter if Jiraiya tried to... omit... mentioning them in his letter. What Hiruzen couldn't seem to accept was the sheer ridiculousness of the situation.

Here he tries his all to protect the weakened Konoha. To make good ties with other countries. To please the angry Daimyo who is still a bit resentful he had to fork out so much money because of the ROOT fuck-up. To balance the issues between the civilian council trying to demilitarize his military village and the shinobi council trying to grab as much influence for themselves. Everything from placating the angry Uchihas for being relocated to the outskirts of the village to verbally kicking the smug Hyuugas down a few pegs was in his job description. Honestly, Hiruzen was just happy that Naras were so lazy, Akimichi too busy stuffing their cheeks to care about politics, and Yamanaka too small to matter. It really made his job, which was basically a wholesale nightmare in the current situation, a lot easier.

Now imagine his surprise when his apprentice, Jiraiya, suddenly undo years of hard work with his sleeping habits. This was Konoha and naturally, as a village hated by all of the Land of Earth, Hiruzen focused on allying with people who had similar opinions towards the rocky country. Being in a situation where his options were either allying with the Earth Country or going to war with them?

'Jiraiya... just had to fuck around so much he fucked away all of my efforts, right?' Hiruzen's bulging eyes shook in the helpless realization that most of the alliances he so painstakingly formed will inevitably crumble under the weight of this new situation. 'Years of effort wasted. So much paperwork... for naught.' Hiruzen thought with a dry throat, feeling the pressure as if wanting to vomit while tears glistered his wizened cheeks. Suddenly, he simply couldn't hold it in as he felt the world crashing around him.

Half of Konoha heard the scream of impotent primal rage originating from the Hokage Tower, causing the citizens to worry if Kyuubi got free.

In his office, Hiruzen was slumped over the letter from his previously favorite student, contemplating his life choices.

'I should have focused on grooming Tsunade. Why must my two male apprentices be such failures? One is a pedophile scientist with a perversion for immortality and the second is a perverted fuck-up who is capable of putting the village in a tough spot despite not even being present in it.' Hiruzen sniffed, barely holding himself back from crying. 'At least Tsunade was competent enough to not cause an international problem for the village.' He realized, feeling completely empty. Taking in a brush, Hiruzen started to shakily pen a reply to Jiraiya.

You reap what you sow. Enjoy the marriage.

There was nothing else Hiruzen could say. He was far too angry and no matter that Jiraiya was his former favorite, this was simply too much even for him.

'Am I really the only man in this village that works for its well-being opposite to all of the idiots who do everything in their strength to get it closer towards destruction?' Hiruzen's empty eyes momentarily strayed towards the picture of his successor and predecessor at the same time, Minato, and his mind instantly remembered Naruto who was supposed to be raised by Jiraiya before the man fled. 'Even the jinchuuriki has to be taught about the Will of Fire by me personally despite there being hordes of people who were friends with Minato and Kushina. Don't tell me the supposed ninjas of this village are blind enough to not see the blatant resemblance.' He scoffed.

At least the boy was easy to manipulate in his abused state. Kind gesture here, pat there, motivating speech or two and the boy was yelling about becoming the next Hokage. It was quite cute, to be honest. Considering all the pain the villagers put him through, the boy was nothing if not entitled to destroy Konoha. Naturally, that had to be prevented, no? As such, the Professor had to go and deliver some of his wisdom to the poor lad.

'Yes... at least Naruto is obedient and growing up to be loyal to the village.' Hiruzen sighed.

If only he knew the truth...