The city was gloomy in the early spring.

The flickering of the city's colorful lights was just a gloom that made my sadness deeper in the days.

​​

Next to the bedroom window, I sat leaning my forehead against the frame, contemplating the many things where everything was focused on only one person, Donghwa. But, I preferred to call him 'Brother Lee'.

I liked him although we were seven years apart.

However, from the past until now, he never wanted to accept me even though we had been together for three years.

Three years ago, at the age of twenty-two, I struggled to support myself by working in a bar as a prostitute. It was just a compulsion, from the bottom of my heart, I didn't want to sell myself at all.

It was drizzling that night. I wasn't having any customers, so I was undecided as to whether I should be grateful or not. No customers, that meant no money. That's what I always thought when I was in the world of prostitution.

Until I accidentally saw a man sitting alone drinking vodka. I watched him from afar and found that he was handsome. That was my first impression of him.

In the next days, he came to this place more and more often. And since I was new at the time, so I didn't know if he was an old customer or a new one. However, I still ventured to talk to him, and apparently, he was an indifferent person. He wouldn't even glance at me.

Until one day, he got drunk. Jay said that the man's cell phone was off and couldn't reach Secretary Yoon to come to pick him up. So I naively took him to my rented house.

That night, he suddenly grabbed my arms, pinning me down on the bed. Then, he smiled but I knew that smile wasn't for me when he mentioned someone else's name.

Chunghee.

Yes, Chunghee.

The name was still clear in my mind.

I had guessed that the man already had a boyfriend from the ring he was wearing.

At that time, he forced me to have sex. I refused because he was drunk. I was worried that tomorrow he would blame me — and sure enough. Since I wasn't strong enough to put up a fight, I lost, and he fulfilled his lust that night.

However, the next day, he scolded me and accused me of being the one who had teased him first, then he threw the money away and walked away like I was just trash.

From that day on, I realized that this job was really bad.

However, having no other choice, I had to keep fighting to support myself in this city.

The days had passed. Unexpectedly, he paid me more often for sex, and from then on our relationship was also closer because I always teased him.

If he said that I was the one who flirted with him all the time, then it's true.

I was clingy to him. I didn't even mind if he used me for free.

One day he got mad at me without me knowing what I did wrong. He hit me and brought up unclear things. However, after I opened his cell phone, there I knew that he was fighting with his boyfriend and taking his anger out on me. It often even happened in the following days.

Until I couldn't stand how he treated me as a tool for sex, so I got mad with him. I asked him to break up with his boyfriend and throw the ring away.

However, of course, it was stupid to act like that. After saying that, he treated me even worse and almost killed me. And from that moment on, I didn't dare bring up anything else about his relationship with his boyfriend.

He had also warned me and given me a choice: "don't be jealous to stay with me or just leave". And, I chose the second option.

I had been a fool from the start, where I fell in love with him for the first time and didn't care if he married someone.

Although almost every day when I saw the ring on his hand made me hurt, the stupidity of loving him too much made me able to accept the pain continuously.

It hurt. Almost every day I cried just because of that little thing.

However, there was a day when he came to me for sex in a fit of rage — furious. So, I couldn't refuse or I would die.

Surprisingly, from that moment on, he spent more time with me. He even offered me a job to work for the agency he worked for, and of course, I didn't waste the opportunity.

Gradually, I felt like I didn't fit into the job, so he offered me to be his assistant, and I accepted for sure, being his assistant meant I would be with him all the time.

Seemingly, we got closer back then, he even bought an apartment for me to live in. I thought everything he did back then was because he accepted me.

However, when he fought again with his boyfriend, apparently he didn't hesitate to throw me away. I couldn't accept that. For three years I kept quiet and became his mistress in another city, but he suddenly dumped me? I would sue him.

But, when I asked him to come back, all I got was that he insulted me.

I couldn't help but smile bitterly. My heart ached and I wanted to cry again when I remembered Brother Lee bring up something about my old self again where I was a prostitute. I never expected that I would hear those words after three years of our relationship.

Remembering that was so painful. However, just as I was about to leave and forget about him to start another life in a different place, the shocking news sounded like a high voltage electric that made my blood stopped flowing instantly.

I wept. I didn't think, the day he wished me "happy birthday" was the last time I saw him and the only thing I kept from him was the watch he gave me on my birthday.

Two days after Brother Lee's body was cremated, I asked Hoonsik to give me some of Brother Lee's stuff, but he refused and said he would give them to Chunghee.

But, now what? About a week ago, I heard the news that Chunghee had also died from an illness he had. And as soon as I asked for Brother Lee's stuff again, Hoonsik said that they were all burned.

That really disappointed me.

Amid this thought, my cell phone suddenly rang in silence. Seeing it was a familiar number, I immediately picked it up, "What's going on?"

"Sunyeon, long time no talk to you," a familiar voice sounded on a different line, "And about Mr. Lee ... I'm so sorry."

It was Jay Nam, a bartender at the bar where I used to work. Hearing those words, I took a silent breath and smiled bitterly without a word.

He asked, "Are you going abroad after this?"

"No," I answered in a low voice, "I canceled my flight."

Jay sounded pleased, "Ah, thank goodness. It would be better if you stayed here."

"I know. I've decided not to leave this country. If I stay here, I can also come to the columbarium to pray for Brother Lee."

Yes, I thought staying in this city was the right choice. Brother Lee once told me that his family was just his lover, but now his lover had also gone after him, and maybe they had met now in the afterlife.

However, as his mistress, I would still send prayers for the one I loved.

***