I touched my chest as I remembered how Donghwa said something I never wanted to hear back then and felt how the intense pain ripped through my feelings more than before.

I knew that all his words at that time were something he said accidentally. However, I really couldn't tolerate the same mistakes over and over again. I had succumbed to him too much and spoiled him too often, but never thought that he would stab me with my own weakness. Not just once, but even many times.

Didn't he learn from our previous arguments? It should be that after a lot of things had happened, he should know how to control his anger.

However, maybe because he was a person who was spoiled by me too often, always thought that he was right because of my attitude that often gave in, so he thought that everything would always be the same when we argue, where he would win and I was the one who lost.

It was probably my fault from the start that Donghwa thought that he was the dominant person in our relationship.

Leaning limply against the lamppost, my tears grew even stronger regardless of how the passersby saw me. I seemed to have lost myself. Shame, happiness, dignity, honor, self-confidence, everything seemed to be destroyed after I chose to leave, and all of that was left the wounds that grew wider and festering from day by day.

Seeing me crying on the side of the road, a middle-aged woman and her two grandchildren who were about to pass me suddenly stopped. She touched my arm, then asked me anxiously, "Young man, are you all right?"

I glanced at her with eyes filled with tears and pains but didn't answer anything. I cleaned my eyes with my scarf, then left in a hurry without a word.

I didn't know how to respond to such a question anymore. In the past, I might still be able to say "I'm okay" because I still hoped that my relationship would change for the better way one day but now, I really couldn't say the same thing again while all the hopes I tried to maintain in my heart broke in just the blink of an eye.

When I arrived at the house I rented, I immediately went in and locked the door. I took off my scarf, threw it anywhere, then ran to the front of the vertical mirror, staring at myself who looked so pathetic.

Crying, I saw how I was in the mirror. Thin, sick, unhappy, and miserable. I even felt sorry when I saw my own reflection. I never thought that loving someone would be this painful. Of the many heartaches I had received, the current pain was the worst.

Doctor Jeong said that I had Glioblastoma, which was malignant brain cancer. However, I never felt worried whether the illness would kill me or not, besides what worried me the most was how I felt as I loved someone for too long.

If I was going to die soon, then what killed me wasn't this illness but my own feeling. I could feel how this feeling of loving began to destroy me mentally, and then gradually destroyed my body from inside. This feeling was even more vicious than the illness I was suffering from.

Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I spoke in a trembling voice, "Donghwa, you're stupid. You're stupid. You're so stupid. Of all your stupidity, kicking me out is the stupidest thing you have ever done."

"Don't you realize how I've been holding on for you all this time? Don't you know how I play dumb for your bad behavior out there all this time? How can you do this to me after I stand so desperately for you for three years?"

"If I want to leave you, I can leave you for a long time ago but I choose not to, and become an idiot who you can fool around. I can accept how you treat me like that and how bad you are. I can accept you for who you are. But, why? Why? Why are you doing this to me? Why are you so stupid?"

"Are you sure that your other lover will be able to replace me? Are you that sure that he can last three years with your stubborn attitude? If you're that sure, then fine. I'll give up on you. Good luck with that person."

After saying all the complaints, I laughed hollowly. I had been crying for so long that my eyes hurt, so now I could only laugh at myself.

Paused for a moment, I glanced at the balcony. Silent a second, then I started walking like a soulless body. I opened the door on the balcony and suddenly the wind hit my face like a freedom wind.

I smiled weakly and walked back until I reached the guardrail. Looking up at the scenery stretching from South to North, the beauty of Jeju city made me think about ending my life in this city.

What a coincidence, the house I rented was on the fifth floor. If I jumped from this place, then I would only feel the pain once in an instant. After that, I would no longer be in pain both mentally and physically. I also wouldn't have to endure this suffering for too long and would have eternal freedom, where there was neither pain nor pleasure. I would only sleep in quietness until one day I was reborn as someone else with different memory.

Yes, it was true. I didn't have to wait too long to become a corpse to be buried. I just needed to decide it today.

If only I died today, then no one would cry for me.

I looked at the crowd below and accidentally saw the lovers who were passing through this building by holding hands. They both looked so happy. Then, I shifted my gaze in another direction and saw a family walking together. The three of them also looked so happy.

Seeing all the happiness of everyone, I concluded that this rotten world was indeed full of injustice. When other people were happy, some people had to suffer. While other people laughed happily, others had to cry. All of that made me twice as sick as before.

After that, I lifted my gaze, staring at the expanse of the blue ocean at the edge of my vision. I thought that no matter how bad the world was, there were natural paintings that always looked stunning.

However, unfortunately, I couldn't enjoy that for too long. I had lived for thirty-two years, loving someone for ten years, and suffering for three years.

Now, I was tired of my situation and wanted to rest from all these painful things.

But, as soon as I was about to lift my feet, the sound of the doorbell that was pressed for a long time seemed to bring back my soul that had been wandering somewhere.

I woke up, like someone who just experienced apparent death. I glanced back at the door before turning and walking to open it.

As soon as the door opened, a middle-aged man smiled. He was the landlord who came to collect taxes. He said pleasantly, "Mr. Park, don't you want to extend the lease on this house?"

"No, sir. I'll be leaving tomorrow morning. Please come in, I'll take my rent," I replied with a smile, which seemed to cover up my bad intentions to commit suicide earlier.

"No need, sir. I'll just wait here."

"All right then."

I immediately went into the room to get a few tens of won, then came back and gave it to the man. He smiled, and immediately left this place, moving to another door.

After closing the door, I threw mybody on the sofa, leaning my back against the back of the sofa with my head facing up. Staring at the ceiling, I began to regret what I had thought previously.

Since leaving Seoul five days ago, I had never thought any saner but I didn't expect that I would intend to commit suicide today because of this despair.

I smiled weakly, didn't expect that Donghwa would make me so desperate and become even more insane than before.

Donghwa was the worst person I had known so far, but sadly, he never wanted to take responsibility.

I glanced at the clock hanging on the wall which showed five o'clock. It's evening now, so I intended to spend the rest of the day just sleeping. I didn't want to eat and was lazy to make dinner as if I had lost my passion for life, which I just hoped that remaining time tonight was the rest of my life so that the next day I didn't have to feel the same pains.

However, God still wanted me to feel this suffering so He wanted me to wake up early in the morning and feel the same pains as usual, which was always increasing every day.

I could only smile and accept this fact gracefully because complaining was just a waste.