Standing by the window, my thoughts as if drove me crazy. After our argument, I kept feeling worried about thinking of Chunghee, who just went away. His face even looked earnest as if he had planned this for a long time. I didn't think that he would take seriously of my words when I told him to go. Didn't he know that such words were just phrases to bluff him? I didn't really want him to comply.

Why are you always taking my words so seriously, Chunghee?

I kept pushing myself to think that it was just his bluffing like that time, so I tried to hold myself back from chasing him, intending to teach him a lesson.

This afternoon, when I asked Hoonsik about Chunghee's whereabouts, he said that Chunghee was in the hospital with someone else. It truly made me angry without asking the identity of that person first. So, as soon as the meeting was over, I rushed to the hospital and planned to pretend that I wanted to pick him up without telling him first. But, what I saw there truly made my anger explode twofold. I didn't think that he would come out of the hospital with Kim Daehyun, the son of a wealthy businessman, by holding hands.

But, besides that, I also realized that I was doing things that I shouldn't have done. I should be able to control my anger and ill-treatment and have a good talk with Chunghee.

Suddenly, the incident of a few days ago flashed through my mind. I wonder, 'does he get carried away when he catches someone nagging at me so he doesn't hesitate to leave? Did he hear my conversation with Sunyeon at that time? Is he angry about that?'

However, from his expression, he looked fine and calm, unlike someone who had just caught his husband cheating on someone else. Then, how come? Am I the one who really doesn't know him?

Many years had passed, and I felt like I knew him better than anyone. However, it seemed I misjudged and prided myself as the one who knew him the most. Now, I realized that I didn't know anything about him.

I'm stupid!

Thinking about this, I felt like my head was going to explode.

Chunghee usually wouldn't run away from home no matter how I scolded or accused him. Even if he ran away, he wouldn't truly leave and only bluff me. But, today, he really scared me.

Besides I didn't think that Chunghee would come when that little slut came and asked me to come back to him, I also kept thinking about what had I done to him earlier. Even more stupid, I just realized how much time I had and I had probably missed a lot of good things during this time, and it truly made me regret it.

Thinking about that, I raised my hand, looked at my hand that had already hit his face, and a wave of sudden great anger erupted in my heart. I was about to punch the window but suddenly stopped before doing it. So, I just clenched my fists tightly, trying to suppress the anger. After all, Chunghee often sat here and stared out the window, he would be even angrier if he found that the window was broken because of me.

I truly wanted to cut off my own hand as I felt so sorry.

In these two hours, I had finished half a pack of cigarettes while waiting for Chunghee to reply to my messages, but it looked like he was really angry that he didn't want to reply to them.

There were many things that made me worry. What if he does leave me? What if he went to that person's side? As soon as those questions popped into my head, I felt furious with myself as if I wanted to destroy the whole house. Fortunately, I was able to hold back myself for now.

As I couldn't take it anymore, I decided to go to find Chunghee out there. I was sure that he wouldn't be far away from any distance other than in the park which wasn't far from this place.

However, when I got there, I couldn't find him. The anxiety immediately made my hair feel like it was going to fall out. I drove down several streets in this district which I thought would allow Chunghee to be there, but in vain. I still couldn't find him.

I dropped my head on the steering wheel, gripped it hard by hands. I began to feel frightened if he would never come back to me. However, I didn't want to draw that conclusion too quickly and try to wait for him a bit longer, by thinking that Chunghee would never leave me like what he had promised.

Suddenly, as soon as I remembered about 'promise', sadness and regret grew stronger in my chest. I lifted my head slowly, staring blankly ahead. During this time, Chunghee had never once broken his promise, but it was me who was the ignorant, stupid, and despicable man that had broken his promise all this time.

I laughed hollowly like a fool when I remembered how stupid I had been. I also should have opened up to him from the start, then the fights would never have happened today.

I wanted to tell him directly that I only loved him and didn't love anyone but him. As for Sunyeon, he was just like a prostitute to me when I was away with him.

I really wanted to tell him...

I wanted to be honest with him...

However, my fear made me never be able to tell him the truth...

While in the apartment, I threw myself onto the sofa, staring at the ceiling with anxiety that made my hair tremble.

I fumbled around the table, picked up a pack of cigarettes. While smoking, I remembered how Chunghee always admonished me about my smoking addiction. I smiled, I realized that Chunghee forbade me as he didn't want to see me getting sick.

Eight months ago, I nearly passed out from overwork. Hoonsik came into the office that evening and found me lying helplessly with my head on the desk. In the morning, he took me to the hospital to do a check-up, and the result was that I was having cardiac arrest symptoms due to smoking and drinking alcohol too much.

The doctor advised me to quit these bad habits, but it was hard for me. Without smoking, I couldn't be calmer and without alcohol, I wouldn't get any money. It was only by toasting the glasses of wine for investors that we could be rewarded. Maybe the world of business was rotten than what the people saw.

I chose not to take medicine as I thought that I could quit the habits. However, when I slowly started changing my habits and behavior, many problems in our household made me completely couldn't change myself. I also had not talked about this to Chunghee before, afraid that he would be worried.

Putting my hands on my head, I smiled hollowly. I felt like I had gained karma from the mistakes in the past.