A few minutes walking through the cold air, I arrived at a bus station and sat on a bench.

This place was so quiet in the afternoon. There was only me with my feelings right now.

I lowered my head and accidentally saw the ring that was tightly wrapped around my finger, and unconsciously stroked it. I was like seeing sweet memories in it, which were shattered into tragic hopes.

I kept staring at it, with my head repeating my past story. It made me smile and cry at the same time.

At that time, I gave him this ring as a surprise on Christmas Eve seven years ago. I remembered, he cried at that time — he cried for me — because at that time, we were nothing and we were still at the lowest point.

After the recent complicated and painful things, I had no regrets to leave him. Even though I loved him — even at this time — he seemed to be forcing me to leave. It was good that I wouldn't cry over anyone again.

Has he ever imagined our time together all these years? Or has he forgotten those all?

contempt, insulting, and invective from the people, does he remember those painful things? Does he remember before we had anything like today?

How sad!

I lifted my face, gazing at the cloudy sky without its bright blue color with foggy eyes, without the sun which was reflecting the bright warm light. I smiled bitterly.

The air was extremely cold here, but it couldn't be compared to my current heart that was already frozen to death with a lot of wounds — that had probably endured too much sorrow all this time.

Still gazing up at the sky, sweet and bitter memories flashed into my mind that I couldn't control, like an excessive and bittersweetness that poisoned me. I felt happy but hurt at the same time.

So painful. Donghwa's words were like a meteor hitting the earth. There was a sense of disbelief, but it was surprising me that it was the truth that had happened, where he had just said the most devastating thing; lingering in my mind, and either time would erase, or even engraved on my head as a reminder that the day when "two people who used to love each other must leave each other".

Without expecting it, the snow fell. Falling slowly, touching my lashes. It melted because of a tear. I rubbed my wet eyes, forcing a smile to suppress this sadness.

This was the first snow after autumn. It meant that winter was coming at the end of this year. It wouldn't be late — even it arrived early and leave longer.

However, the day that we should have given warmth to each other must fade away and there would never be in the future. It wouldn't return and I would never allow it to come back.

I loved Donghwa so deeply, but couldn't be with him to the end. It was because he let all this happen.

This profound feeling, deeper than ever only made me sink into the new wounds countless times.

Suddenly amidst the silence, the sound of the phone ringing brought me back from my current thoughts. I took the cell phone out of my coat pocket and looked at the caller ID. It was Donghwa.

My hands suddenly trembled. It wasn't because of the cold air in this place, but sadness, anger, and disappointment, that suddenly gathered in the same place.

Now, after he said such cruel things, why did he have to call me back?

Has he forgotten that I am as stubborn as he is? Didn't he know how hard it was to keep giving in all this time by holding my stubbornness? Why did he have to call me back?

Since I ignored his calls several times, two messages came in a few seconds' pause.

"Chunghee, where are you? I'll get you there. I may have gone too far earlier, so after you're here, we can have a good talk about this thing. Then tell me, where are you now?"

"It's snowing. Don't you like to eat beef bone soup in winter? I'll make it for you. If you don't want to talk about it now, then it's fine. Don't be scared, I won't do anything. I promise. Let's make up."

Reading the two messages from him made me smile bitterly and sadness moved into my eyes immediately. Without thinking any further, I turned off my cell phone and decided to never contact him again. I was going to disappear until he thought that I was dead.

Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I wanted to be like people who would be together until the end. Spending hard and happy times when they were young and finding serenity in old age.

Even now, I had not been open up about my true condition. However, I would never get the chance — he never gave me a chance to say it — and I didn't care anymore.

Now, all the painful incidents during this time were summed up in my mind. It made me lose my enthusiasm for living this life and left behind despair, which seemed to be increasing every second.

The repressed disappointment finally hit my chest with great force.

After a few minutes passed, waiting for a long time at a bus station, a bus stopped in front of me. I went in and sat on the back seat. The bus sped up, taking me away with my feeling.

I bowed helplessly, rubbed the ring gently on my finger, and asked myself, "Is this the end of all?"

I kept repeating the same question over and over. I knew that by asking that question, no one would give me an answer, even if it was myself. I also felt quite clearly that the question brought pain to my chest. It was like tearing out my throat.

In this sadness, my lips unconsciously muttered his name softly, as if it was my last strength to say his name for the last time, "Donghwa ...."

Holding my cell phone tightly, finally, my tears rolled back, falling and wetting my hands. It felt so cold as if it came out by the strong urge of my frozen heart.

Suddenly, a middle-aged woman, around forty-fifty years old, asked beside me, "Young man, are you okay?"

I immediately wiped my tears and showed a smile that was so forced, "Ah, ma'am, sorry, I'm fine. Thank you for asking."

The middle-aged woman smiled sincerely, then spoke in a soothing softness, "You know, everyone is going to have a difficult time in their life. If someone says that he has never had a hard time, then that is a big lie in his life. He is not only lied to the people, but he had lied to himself."

I was momentarily stunned. What she said was the truth and I could feel it. I repeatedly lied to the people and didn't care if I had to lie to myself at once.

"I know that adversity will make us angry and sad. But, we can't keep indulging in that sadness to cry. It only makes us fall deeper into that sadness. So, to get out of that feeling, we have to find new pleasures or find new people. It won't take you out immediately, but time will slowly erase them. Don't forget that time is like water. It can't be held but it can erode solid rock. Likewise with our feelings. Time can change it. You just have to endure the pain a little longer."

Hearing her words, I just kept on smiling without saying anything. My throat which had been hurt a long time ago because of a cry couldn't make me say anything and just swallowed up everything.

her words were true. But, can a person who was trapped in deep feelings like me be helped by time?

I never thought that I would stand in these deep feelings which hurt me.

Through the hour, the bus stopped at the next station. The middle-aged woman smiled. She touched my shoulder gently before we parted as if she was trying to cheer me up with her touch, and then the bus started back immediately.

All along the way, I just kept contemplating, staring out the window sadly. There was a lot of sadness that I suppressed, and it really made a disappointment drained many tears.

I only need to be alone where I wanted to be with all this sadness and disappointment. Even though dying alone, was better than had to die in front of someone I still loved but he kept giving me the pain from the feeling of loving him. It would hurt both of us even more.

I only needed to calm myself down in that place. I didn't want to cry or be sad while there was still time left. I hoped that there would be things that leave happiness for me so that I could smile at death without bringing any wounds.

That's all I want ...

***