"Hey, um… Amanda, right? Derrick gave me your number, said to inform one of the hosts so - it's Mary by the way, um - so we got a situation at the information center. One of the convention goers, a vampire-looking lady went to one of the building staff telling them that she's lost.

"Yeah, they tried telling her where the convention is located, but she's refusing to budge. They said the crowd makes her claustrophobic or something? Anyway, they're saying she's looking for a guy dressed as a jester or some kind… uh, you know anyone like that?

"Derrick says he saw one hanging around the judges' panel at the jousting arena but then disappeared when he checked again. You were there too, right? Anyway, just a heads up in case you wanna make an announcement or whatever. Bye."

The voicemail continued to blare out the tiny speaker grills for a few moments longer, abruptly ending, cutting off Ms. Mary over here all a sudden getting all giddy and enthused, shouting, "Oh! Oh my God - Leon! Wait, can I have your - !"

Thankfully it stopped there, saves me from the despair of having to hear Leon's voice again only this time through a shoddy mic and squeaky static. Not the best of times, really.

Amanda clicked away to her home display, and flickered off her phone... but not before through keen and astute observation, I noticed something peculiar about her wallpaper.

Nothing too outlandish - it was just the picture of me holding those clucking chickens under my arms. No big deal, I just assumed she'd delete it and not actually make it her background like she said she would.

Either this was some next-level clowning, or she genuinely finds that image of me endearing… and you know what, I'm feeling it's a strange mixture of both here.

"Thought you said she might be at the stage play as an act - "

I lost the end of my sentence there. My fault, shouldn't have looked straight and made eye contact… 'cause instead of being fronted with her gaze, I saw her phone in the midst of being buried into the large open cavity at the front of her dress, presumably fitting snug between two in-built… safety cushions, yes.

Needless to say, my staring did not go unnoticed.

"What?" She nudged her head at me, tugging up at her outfit. "There's no pocket on this stupid dress, where else do you want me to put it?"

I took a second to blink away the image of that moment.

"Indulge me for a moment, alright?" My gaze kept affixed to the slight bump in the fabric of her chest. "You took the reward money for the quest. I assume it comes in a pouch. Um, may I ask where's that pouch now, then?"

At that, a smile came curling her lips… and she crossed her arms, deliberately accentuating, even more, the bumps in her curves. "Well if my phone is pulling down on my left… I'm gonna need something to balance it on the right, don't I?"

Noted.

"Why ask?" She asked, trailing a hint of something a little more than curiosity in her words. "You wanna touch it? Hold it for a bit? Have it in your hands instead?"

"We're still talking about the pouch, right?"

"Ahem," Ash chimed in, shifting raised eyebrows left and right, "You were saying, Master?"

"Yes, as I was saying," I cleared my throat, looking up at her again. "Yeah, isn't Adalia suppose to be on the stage play like you said?"

"It was a maybe guess, not a yes, I'm not magic like you guys," Amanda said, throwing her hand at us as she did, as if somehow the term 'you guys' suddenly became an insult. "At least you know where she is now, right? You can go rescue the distressed damsel now like you always wanted to do in the first place."

Am I imagining things or am I hearing insinuations of things uncalled for? I suppose I did leave her hanging for quite a bit… very well, fair's fair. Insinuate away.

"Alright then," I clasped, then after, rubbed both hands together. "So where's this information center place at?"

It was a straight-line march out the guild's doorway towards the place with a furrowed-brow princess taking lead. Never deferring, never once detouring, on my insistence… and much to the disappointment of Amanda.

"You know, I brought you here to have fun, unwind, enjoy ourselves together," She began, a begrudging sigh funneled my way. "But instead it feels like you're a chaperone to a bunch of kids."

"You can still do that, just fyi," I responded, wagging my finger all around to the exotic locales that she was undoubtedly itching to veer off towards. "Just point me in the right direction, and I'll be off your case quick."

Her eyes then drifted slightly left, to the Elf walking close side by side by my side.

"No thank you," She fronted herself forward again, her pace significantly aggressively accelerating. "I did say together, didn't I?"

"Master," Ash whispered. "Have I at all done something to upset her? I feel as if she's less than pleased to see me…"

"Um, it's more me than you actually…" I said.

"What did you do?"

"Continued the main quest."

"What?"

"Amanda just likes her side quests better is all."

"Oh, I-I see…" So she says, but going by the small frown that formed after, clearly, she wasn't seeing anything at all.

We kept at it, heading deeper and deeper in, any signs of anything remotely modern-looking still nowhere to be seen. Honestly, I haven't actually any clue where we were headed, but since Amanda clearly did, I placed complete trust in her navigational abilities.

And so five minutes later, it is with great swelling emotions I must say, that that trust was sadly misplaced. If only I had read the map at the entrance better, studied it for a longer… perhaps I could have caught the warning signs before we fell into the pitfall.

But no, the suggestive red draperies and banners that hung across building walls were left disregarded, the costumes of the people we passed gradually covering less and less skin the more we ventured inwards, I simply chalked it up to an acquired taste.

Until eventually, after coming upon the rows and rows of stalls lining the streets in this particular side of the town district, it finally clicked… only unfortunately too little, too late.

These weren't the type of streets you'd come marching down with your children…

"Amanda, you promised." I stopped our march just as a Succubus draped in nothing but the thinnest garments covering the barest of skin rocked her hips back and forth right past us. "Amanda, where are we?"

"You can read, can you?" Unfazed, unperturbed, Amanda continued forth, pointing to a sign of a building directly from above us. "There's your hint."

Now, I wasn't about to indulge her and give her that satisfaction of playing to her whims… unfortunately, Ash over here wasn't of the same wavelength.

"The den of hidden desires," She gave the sign in its lusty crimson-red font a long blank unblinking staredown. "Forgive me if it may sound crude, but is this not a brothel?"

"It is a brothel," Amanda affirmed.

"You brought us to a brothel?" I said, thinking if maybe the universe could hear how ridiculous it sounded, it might just make it so that it never happened.

Spoiler alert: It still happened.

"You said you wanted the fastest, no-nonsense route over there," She spread her arms wide, motioning them both with a flourish deeper into the narrow street, where outlets unending offered their wares of questionable magazines and scantily clad figurines. "And so thus, here I present to you: the fastest no-nonsense route there."

"The red-light district?"

"Oh hush, what are you - eight? You're acting as if you've never watched porn in all your life."

"Of course I've watched porn," I said defensively, before the realization struck that I was actually standing here in a clown outfit defending my alone-time bedroom habits.

The jokes practically write themselves here, people.

"Then what is it?" She nudged her chin at me, crooking her gaze sly. "Does the sight of the bare female form get you all hot and bothered? Can't handle it? Too hot for you?"

Okay, now she's just out to spite me, isn't she?

"No, I just think it's - "

"It's?" She leaned forward.

"Bit of a bold walk," I finished. "Don't you think so?"

"Well, I dunno about that," She turned around facing forward again, taking large uncaring strides past the entrance. "But I do know it might be a fun walk though."

Should have known. See? She's like one of those people that never touch the main quest in a game and yet in spite of it has all 999 collectibles in their inventory, her skills all leveled up, and side missions all complete.

And here we're just her party members, doomed to follow along with her every spontaneous whim. Ah well, our destination can't be that far now… I'll just go with it for now.

"You've been to this sort of place before, Ash?" I asked, as we both followed along after her.

"In my travels, I've come across a fair few, yes," She said, her emerald eyes shimmering with mild intrigue. "Though this is my first seeing stalls so brazenly out in the open like this… just whatever are those things they have on display, I wonder?"

"Dolls," I said, eyeing the one we just passed that was especially brimming with them. "Small dolls. Collector's item for some that are into that. Their novelty, some even one of a kind… they're pretty sought after because they're very well made and - "

"They're nude."

"Yes," I nodded my head. "They're nude."

"How crass."

"Sort of the point."

"I see."

No, she didn't.

She turned to the right to the next stall that came into view, and narrowed both her eyes and lips at the sign plastered out at the front in bold and bright letters.

"H-he...hen… tai… Hentai? What is - ?"

"Moving on."

"Oh! Master! Look! They have a pillow on offer with an illustration of me on the front! The resemblance is uncanny! Hmm, but I do wonder though, why a pillow? What use is there besides... and why am I… why is my armor not…? Oh, oh, wait… oh no. Oh, Master… I think I'm - "

"Moving on!"

Okay, I take it back. Maybe I can't go along with this, after all. Should have known, should have realized. She did this on purpose - Amanda, she… she knew Ash was a curious one and…

This princess is evil, dastardly… insidious.

"There's a figurine of me too… there's white stuff on my - "

"Ash," I heaved a breath, yearning, crying, for that light at the end of this heaty tunnel. "Just close your eyes, please."

Okay, mental note to future me, don't ever leave your fake girlfriend hanging for thirty straight minutes, otherwise, it's straight to the gallows of Rule 34 for you and your Elf.

That poor Elf.