Chapter 254

Koushaku Ch 254 – Smiles

. . . . . . How long has it been?

I don't know anymore .

I feel like I saw Dean come back to me several times in dreams .

But… my memories of him become blurry the more I cry .

The memories with him are trying to disappear; he’s trying to leave me for good .

When we went to the orphanage together, what happened when we worked together, how he helped me in the fight against the Darryl Church, and the tour in the east . . .

My head is full of him . What memories do I share with him?

Remember them . Try to never forget them .

It seems to be short and long time memories . . .

In any case, we spent a lot of time together .

If I try to remember, they are all kind of loving memories .

“My lady, you should just push forward as usual . I will protect you from anyone who wants to hurt you . So young lady . . . . . . . Please leave your body to me . ''

Suddenly, I remembered his words when we were together in the eastern city .

" . . . Liar . I hate you . "

And unintentionally, I reluctantly refrain from ending my words .

My mouth will criticize him?

" . . . Lies . I love you . "

The word “love” sounds like crying .

That resonated heavily in my chest .

The world continues going forward, time doesn’t stop, life and seasons continue even though I’m so painful . As if nothing happened .

Leave him behind . They say .

Oh, we’re merely tiny people in this world .

So what does our lives mean?

Thought I thought my sentiments were dead, tears overflowed again .

. . . . . . Stand up and go out to the balcony .

A place where I used to talk to him a lot .

Thoughts about family, the future of the territory, and the past .

Because it's was in the office that all happened, the view I get to see from the room's balcony is a little different . . . Still, I'm nostalgic now .

I put a hand on my forehead to block the sun while narrowing my eyes .

I look terrible because I keep crying .

" . . . Wow!"

Suddenly, I felt that the voice of a young child was heard in my ear .

I confess that my ears can be wrong too, but I feel like I can hear it . I looked towards the garden spreading downstairs .

I found Mina and the orphanage’s children below .

they look really small from this height, but somehow . . . I can be convinced that it’s them .

Why are they here . . . ?

It is a pure question that springs up in my head .

"No way, were they worried about me . . . ?"

No one answered my whisper .

However, I immediately found the answer .

“Lady Iris! Get well soon!”

Because… such a cry was heard from those children .

Although the voices stopped immediately, Mina got angry at them for yelling at a noble .

. . . . . . I smile unintentionally at Mina who is angry with her hands on her hips .

"I can laugh . . . "

I am surprised at myself .

It's painful, my heart hurts .

I mourned and hated everything .

Still, I certainly laughed now .

I feel like a warm feeling spreads on my chest .

“You are the territory’s head . And I’m the country’s gear . But it doesn't mean that our paths will never overlap . Even if our paths are divided, we continue to look in the same direction . Looking in the same direction, we can go anywhere . We can do anything"

I suddenly remembered my old words .

At the same time, I ask myself .

Have I lost everything? ……truly?

Is there no meaning to my life anymore? ……truly?

Thinking so far, I’ve denied the nature of everything .

And at that moment, I felt like the shell that had been used to isolate me from the world was broken .

I don't care about the significance of my existence .

However, the result of my elections . . . can be seen in front of me .

Caring for, protecting, and building the future for them . My people .

I will deny all those who have followed me and who have been working towards that future with me, and the existence of the children here present .

The mourning pain is certainly big .

There is no change in my heartache .

But I didn't lose everything .

I have my way and there are many people's lives that depend on this territory progress .

And… there is also everyone who walks with me and supports me together, above all .

" . . . Iris, I'm sorry . "

When I returned inside from the balcony, my mother just entered the room .

"Oh, oh . . . you’re all right now . "

My mother looked at me and laughed .

“Yes . I ’m sorry for worrying you . ”

"Looks good . . . . did you love him so much that you were so upset for his death?"

When my mother pointed it out, the blood on my face fade for a moment . . . but I recovered quickly .

"Yes, that's right . . . Mother, I'm an idiot . "

"Oh, what do you mean?"

“After mourning, only now… I understand how important he was…”

My feelings… I didn’t know were so deep, until he passed away .

What was in me was love, bordering with obsession .

Mother listens to my words with a serious expression .

“I was separated from him once, but still never lost my feelings for him . Even if he was on a different path from me, it would be fine if he existed . ”

" . . . isn't it love?"

I looked at my mother wondering what she wanted to say .

“Even if the other party does not follow the same path as you . . . You can believe in the love you shared and continue forward . ”

I smile at my mother's words .

“Yes, I love him . ”

. . . . . . It's sad that I couldn't tell him my feelings .

Surely, I will continue to regret it .

“But . . . I have other things that I love . ”

this time, my mother instead looked at me with wonder .

" . . . what is it?"

"I know this territory and the people who live here . I know the pain of mourning, but I just soaked in that grief and thought I could never recover . Surely, if while soaked in my grief I end losing even this, I’ll regret it forever . "

I can never compare both loves . . . Both are indispensable for me .

If both are lost, it is the same as lacking the world for me .

“Most of all, I will not forgive him for leaving you alone . I want him to look at you from above and be ashamed of the excellent lady he lost . ”

" . . . Nice"

I smiled at my mother’s words .

"My Iris is very nice . . . My Iris is a lovely lady . If you still feel like crying and become a mess again, I'm here to look out for you . "

Surely, that’s my mother .

So much power has been released from mother at those words, that it makes me tremble from emotion .

“I was melancholic . But I know now the important things . The things I care about and need to protect . ”

"……Thank you mother…"

" . . . I'm sure you will suffer from sadness again and again . But don't forget . Sometimes it's important to grieve, but don't be trapped in it . . . You're alive . "

Mother gently clasped my hand .

"I told you once that I lost my mother because of a robbery, right?"

In response to that question, I shook my head vertically .

There is no reason to forget . The past my mother once told me about .

The story that gave me the strength to move forward .

“I was then trapped in the grief of losing my mother . . . I couldn't see the future . I just lived training to attain my revenge, just to kill the robber who killed my mother . . . I thought about everything I lost and overlooked the important things that were there, and as a result, my important people ended worrying a lot about me . . . -You are alive now- my brother said, while I always replied -No! Until I get revenge on her-“

"It's not just me . . . It wasn't just me who was sad and suffering . I thought that I was the saddest person in the world . And that was wrong . ''

"……mother"

"I can't get back what I lost . That's why it's natural to grieve . But don't be trapped in it and look at what you’ve not yet lost . Don't just look at the past . If you lose an important person again . . . I'm sure you will regret it again, because you know the pain of losing, because you know how hard it was . Someday, if you lose an important person again, because you’re but merely a human, there is nothing you can do about it, the time you can be together with them is limited, but that's why people treasures those moments with them . You should take care of them and not regret it later, and as your mother I want to say… Because you are an important person to me, keep being shameless asking for love and being who you are . ”

I refute my mother's words as I engrave them deeply in my heart .

" . . . Thanks you, mom"

The moment I said so, my mother hugged me .

"You did your best, Iris . Great, really . . . You remembered what’s important for you yourself . "

" . . . !"

To the warmth of those words .

I shed tears again .