Thousands of miles away from the lights of the bustling Moist Dragon tavern sat a slender figure, studying the map before her. She wore a golden crown and the black garb of a powerful witch. Her painted fingers traced the lettering of a familiar place, Lobee Village, as a bright, magical dot glowed scarlet inside a house. A robed man in black scuttled into view down the hall of the castle. He bowed deeply in front of her.

“Your Magnificence!”

"Yes?" she said, yawning.

She had been up all night because of this stupid red dot. Some idiotic fool, no doubt, had probably got lucky. Either way, she had to deal with whatever it was. Be it foe or simply a pest.

"It is as you feared, Your Excellency." The man bowed deeper still. "We sent a few mages through the portal by the swamp and examined the guardian. It was the one you had personally sent to the swamp."

"I know this already!" She had felt the magic diminish when the Ogre's life force faded. "My weapon? Did you retrieve it?"

The mage hastily nodded. "Yes. Your Excellency." He held an object aloft covered in silk rags. It was as large as his palm. "I was careful not to touch it as you commanded."

She dismissed it with a hand, and the mage placed the dark object aside.

"And what of the Ogre? How was one of my ogres defeated? Were there signs of battle?"

The mage squirmed under the scrutiny of his mistress. "There was none."

"What? No corpses, no struggle. That beast should have been able to slaughter a hundred warriors!" She yelled. "How?"

"I do not know!" he pleaded. "It appears that it was slain by a single blow."

"A single what!? Che!" she spat. "This red dot." She focused her murderous glare at the map, then at the object covered in cloth. A wicked smile came to her lips.

The robbed mage flinched at her murderous expression.

"Go through the portal once more. Take all the Mages and this with you." She pointed at the artifact.

The mage rushed towards the weapon and grabbed it in both hands.

"Careful!" she commanded.

"Yes, Mistress." He bowed so low his forehead nearly touched the ground.

He knew just how powerful it was. The exterior appeared dull and bland. However, inside. That was where its true beauty was. If this object's shell were to be broken, every unfortunate witness would suffer a long and painful death, or so says the legend. The slender woman smiled as she went back to caressing the letters of Lobee village. She knew all too well that it would soon be wiped off the face of the map.

Melly opened her eyes tentatively. She could feel the cold and hard yet sticky surface of the wooden floor against her cheek. Her head had slipped off a makeshift pillow, which apparently was a heap of grubby bar rags. She retched at the smell of stale ale. Up close, she could see that the floor was covered in a thick layer of dirt and many stains. Here and there lay large puddles of varying-coloured liquors which had pooled overnight.

A sudden movement startled her, and she sat up in time to see an enormous rat scurrying between the still forms of unconscious patrons. She watched as the rat paused for a sniff, then darted behind the bar. It was then that she noticed the little dwarf from last night. The sight brought back the carnival of events of the previous evening. The familiar feeling of dread overcame her. Her father now looked like a garden gnome.

Melly stretched like a cat and then stood up. She paused and grabbed a nearby table for a second. The room was still spinning around her.

What’s wrong with the world! Stop spinning!

She couldn't help but feel a fluttering of unease that was hard to define. Why did she feel so worried?

"Uughh." groaned a familiar voice.

Melly turned to see Clemiticus lying on his back, spread-eagle on top of a table. He was shirtless. As she peered closer, she could make out the words 'O P as Fuck' scribbled over his chest with what she could only presume was glossy red lipstick. An unidentifiable female lay faced away under one arm, and she too was missing the top half of her apparel.

Clemiticus opened his eyes slowly and yawned.

"Is it morning yet?" he asked as he scratched his painted chest with his free arm.

The feeling of unease surfaced again. Melly turned to the entrance and realised that it was morning. A shiver crawled up her spine. It was silent. Her mind struggled to piece together the significance.

The half-naked woman woke up, startled. Melly recognised her immediately. It was the Baker's daughter. The girl gave a nervous squeak and smiled before disappearing out the door in embarrassment.

"Well, that was a fun quest!" Clemiticus said, as he pulled himself upright and rolled off the table to grab his shirt from the ground. "Well, at least I think it was."

"Where's my dad?"

He frowned and looked down at the little dwarf. "There." He pointed and gave her a look like she was crazy.

"That's not my....."

The little dwarf's eyes snapped open and before Melly could finish, the little guy shouted.

"Ah! Daughter! Good morning!" He gave her an odd smile and clambered up from his sleeping spot. Vibrant red hair stuck out at strange angles, and the makeshift flannelette kilt was now completely stained.

Melly froze as she took in her father's transformation. The red-bearded dwarf followed her daughter's gaze and smiled.

"Oh, that's right. That happened." He chuckled as his red beard bounced with his little belly.

"Dad?"

"Call me Derrick the dwarf!" Her father gave her a thumbs up. Clemiticus laughed and gave Derrick a slap on the back, which nearly toppled him over.

"Good Solid Character's name. Still going to be a lumberjack?"

"No, no. I told you." He shook his head. "I'm a Tinkerer."

"Awww that's right. I wanted to sing a song about a lumberjack who wants to be a little lady and you said that you were a Tinkerer." Clemiticus sighed. "It's a shame to deny a man a good chance for a fitting song."

"Sorry to disappoint mate! I didn’t know you liked to sing, lad?"

“Just you wait Derrick!”

Melly pinched the bridge of her nose and shivered. "What the hell are you two talking about?"

"Your father is now a dwarf, and he has joined the party. I tried to tell you last night, but you had to go and pass out. And he’s one step ahead of you and has already chosen his class."

"Class?" she asked.

"Well, a specialty that allows the player additional special skills. I'm an adventurer, and your father here is a Tinkerer."

"Actually, your stupid fairy said I was a ranger." She crossed her arms defensively.

As if to answer Melly, the blue fairy appeared out from thin air and reported. "That is correct. Melly the Ranger."

The dwarf nodded approvingly. "My daughter’s accuracy is superb, you know."

Clemiticus looked delighted.

"Nice! You can be our ranged DPS. That’s awesome!"

"I'm not your anything!"

A blue light flickered around the fairy, and the fairy raised both arms.

"Melly has gained the title the Furious. All hail Melly the Furious!"

"The Furious? Nice title there, Melly! I wonder if that gives you any bonus stats?"

Clemiticus gave her a look of genuine approval.

She bit back an insult and cleared her throat.

"OK, what do we need to do to leave this party thing?"

"Leave?" Derrick laughed. "Why would you ever want to do that?"

"Well, I don't know!" She threw her arms up. "Ever since I met this tosspot everything has been absolutely bat-shit crazy. I don't have a clue what's going on or what the hell this guy's problem is, and every time I think it couldn't get worse, it does! Shit hits the windmill, and my dad turns into a three-foot-dwarf with bright Scarlett fuzz to match."

Her father nodded and examined his daughter.

"You know, Melly." He scratched his bushy chin as his eyes narrowed. "If I didn't know better, I would say that all this hostility towards the man was highly suspicious."

"What?" she roared. She jabbed a finger in Clemiticus' direction. "Who would like a guy like this? He's insane."

"I don't know." Derrick shrugged. "Feelings are funny. Anyhow, all of that is unimportant right now." He strode towards Clemiticus and gave him an all-knowing, greedy smile. "As you were saying last night?"

"Last night?" Clemiticus frowned as he tried to piece together the events of the previous night.

Melly gave her father a death stare.

"Alright mate. You were saying something about quests being very lucrative."

Melly's ears pricked up. "You never told me anything about that." Melly and her father had struggled for many years under the debt her absent mother had racked up. Her disappearance when Melly was a little girl was unexpected and was both emotionally and financially devastating.

"Well." Clemiticus smiled. "The higher the level and the harder the quests you go on, the better and better the loot you get."

"Go on." Derrick urged.

"Well, you start out getting pocket change. Usually enough to buy food, potions, and repairs of gear you find. But once you get higher, your rewards get Epic. Big shiny weapons and jewellery. Expensive mounts and legendary cosmetics."

Melly looked towards her father, wondering if her faced showed the same greedy expression. Was there a chance to break free of the crushing burden of debt? It would be so wonderful if they didn't have to struggle any more.

"You were saying? Before? About the quest?" Melly asked. "So, what does that entail?"

Clemiticus grinned.

"Well, it's usually a story-driven task to help someone who is in need. Something eventful that we help with."

Melly sighed. "But nothing ever happens here. Like ever..."

Boom!

A massive explosion suddenly erupted outside, crashing through the air. The wooden floor shook violently as the trio clasped their hands over their ears. Slumbering patrons jumped to their feet and started running around in all directions, screaming in panic.

"Something bad is happening!" someone screamed.

"We're all going to die!" cried another.

Bing!

“A quest event for epic loot has begun!"