It should have been a wonderful day. Sunlight brightened a clear sky. Birds danced on warm, steady breezes carrying the fragrance of nature across stunning green hills. The scene was perfect.

However, Melly wasn’t focused on this picturesque scene. She hung from a tree, transfixed on a long line of drool. It drooped from an oversized jaw lined with gnashing teeth. A rabid wolf had chased her. Snarling, the beast lunged trying to rip off any of Melly’s now dangling limbs.

Today she had worn her favourite dress. Unfortunately, after her little run in with razor sharp claws it was now completely ruined. Her chestnut hair was dishevelled, and the mushrooms she had gathered were strewn here and there.

Why me?

All she wanted was to scavenge some food. Some wild potatoes or even a bundle of carrots. Instead, Melly found herself face to face with mortal peril. She looked up, pleading with the heavens, and begged all the gods for aid.

"Please someone. Anyone! Help me!"

From powers that be, only silence answered. She closed her eyes as tears streamed down her cheeks. Before she could bite back a sob, a massive popping sound tore her from her misery.

"Holy Shit! These graphics are incredible!" someone said. Their voice oozed wonderment.

“What?” Melly frantically scanned her surroundings.

Down the hill stood a handsome blonde man. He was talking to himself, staring into blank space, and making weird finger motions.

A wandering village idiot?

The rabid wolf below turned to the muttering fool for only a second. Deciding the crazy man was not worth the trouble it shrugged in disinterest then renewed its efforts. The wolf snapped its sharp fangs inches below her feet.

"HELP!"

Melly pleaded to the unidentified stranger. Here, maybe, was a chance.

A blue light flashed into existence, and a small creature materialised in front of the simpleton, accompanied by a cheerful crescendo of invisible bells.

Bing!

"Greeting’s adventurer. I am the blue fairy and your helpful guide for this land."

"Oh, hi!" he said, amused by the new series of events.

"HELP ME PLEASE!"

The man turned towards her and gave her a casual wave before resuming his attention to the blue flickering creature.

"You may call me what you want, Master. I’ll follow you throughout your travels and help you on your way!"

The fairy seemed to sing as it spoke with a hint of pride and joy.

"Great! Then I shall call you. Um, Fairy!"

The strange man seemed proud of his ingenious naming technique. Fairy nodded and grinned.

"Thanks, Master!"

Fairy flicked its wrist, and something further distracted the man.

“Now Master! Please pick your class.”

“Okay cool!”

Melly struggled but her grip loosened, shifting her weight a few feet closer to death.

"Help!"

The man glanced towards her plight casually, then back at the imaginary object.

"Hang on, hang on!" He scratched his chin. "Now what class should I pick?"

Melly gasped as both panic and confusion overwhelmed her.

"Class? What are you on about? Help me you, fool!"

The strange man turned, poked and prodded his fingers.

"So, my choices are Fighter, Adventurer or Spell Caster. So weird. What kind of game is this? What weird choices. Where’s the old school tank healers DPS system?"

"Help! HURRY!"

"Hmmm. Okay, I guess I will choose Adventurer. Well-rounded character, jack of all trades but master of none. The Adventurer class has no special skills but unlike other classes can pick up multiple subclasses and professions. Sounds nifty. I guess that's it then!"

The man nodded, then pressed something invisible.

Bing!

Instantly, a series of azure sparks surged skywards.

“Master! Master! Now you must also pick a name!”

"Oh, okay little fella. A name. Well, might as well use my usual gamer tag."

The odd man poked random fingers across the air and mouthed a string of syllables.

"Ha! There we go. Clemiticus the Splendiferous!”

Fairy, the fairy spun three times.

Bing!

"Greetings, one and all. The brave adventurer Clemiticus the Splendiferous has arrived in this wild land. Be grateful that such a strong, brave and handsome hero has blessed your world, Fanswald, with his presence!"

"Thanks, buddy!"

Clemiticus cheered and gave his new blue fan a thumbs up. After all this, he finally turned towards Melly.

"Now! Time for my first quest!" he said.

"HELP!"

He nodded nonchalantly.

"On my way," he said, ambling towards the wolf, who by now was only inches from Melly's ankles.

Melly watched as Clemiticus slowly strode over and punched the wolf in the back of the head.

"Yelp!" the wolf cried.

Bing!

"Clemiticus has learned Punch!" Fairy announced.

"What are you doing?"

Melly momentarily forgot she was panicking, and now was incensed by the man’s idiotic attempt to kill himself.

Turning, the wolf faced its new dinner. Clemiticus cracked his knuckles and jabbed the air a few times. His fighting stance looked odd and far too playful.

"Come on, Doggo. Come have a go!"

Bing!

"Clemiticus has gained the skill taunt!"

Fairy beamed at Clemiticus with pride.

The wolf reacted exactly how a rabid animal would. Lunging forwards, it chomped down on the man's left arm. The massive weight of the beast thrashed back and forth. It was a mighty attempt to bring the man down. However, Clemiticus stood mesmerised at the odd-looking scene.

"Master! Master! If you wish to fight, you must first equip a weapon."

"Ah! Whoops!" Clemiticus laughed and smacked himself on the forehead with his free hand. “And how do I?"

The man was far too casual while the wolf furiously attacked his arm.

"Master! You’ve got a bottomless inventory in your pockets, sir! You should have a standard weapon as a part of your starting gear."

"Bottomless?" asked Melly.

Clemiticus winked, "Cheers bud!"

He plunged his spare hand into his pocket and hauled an absurd amount of lustreless steel from the small opening. Flourishing it like a freshly caught tuna, Clemiticus shouted. "Aha!"

The wolf's eyes widened in shock. The broadsword fell, and with a single thwack, the beast lay cleft in twain.

Bing!

"Clemiticus has learned sword strike."

"Clemiticus has gained combat experience."

"Clemiticus has reached - level two!"

"What?" asked Melly. Her mind was struggling to piece together the insanity before her.

Clemiticus the Splendiferous returned the blood-soaked weapon to his pocket, spattering gore all over his pants then Spun into a heroic pose.

He then faced Melly, grinning.

“Outstanding!”

She dangled now. Her hands wringing grooves into the branch she held. With her jaw drooping, she stared in bewilderment at her saviour, not sure whether to continue to clamber up the tree to get away from the loon or climb down and thank him.

Melly gathered her thoughts, deciding on the latter when Clemiticus spoke.

"So, what do I get then?"

A smug expression fell on his face.

"Get?”

Melly grunted as she climbed down.

"Yeah. like loot or something. That was a quest, right?"

He prodded and poked at invisible things all around himself as he spun in a circle. "Hey! Where's the EXP bar? I’m level two, right?"

"Get?" she repeated. "EXP? Level two? I don't know what you mean!"

Confusion slapped her across the face. The guy kept flipping from saviour to nutter.

"You know, it's a starting quest... so maybe a few coins and a pair of boots."

"A pair of boots. For what?"

"For the quest. You know like a reward."

She looked him up and down. He wore modest travelling gear, complete with a lovely pair of leather boots. "You want boots?"

"Yeah, that would be nice. Please reward me with boots!"

Clemiticus sounded far too enthusiastic.

"But you are already wearing boots."

He looked down and inspected his outfit for the first time. "Why, hello there?" Clemiticus looked back and nodded. "Yep!"

Melly was incredulous. "And you want more?"

"Well, of course! Starting gear has no stats. So even a pair of dead rats tied to a string would be of greater benefit to me than these."

He shook his feet, one after another, as if to prove that the perfect fit of the boots was somehow an impediment. The blue fairy that now sat on his shoulder nodded in agreement.

Yep, she thought, screw this! He's insane.

Without another word, she turned and walked away. An old memory flashed in her mind as she walked. Something her father had once told her. There are two types of people you don't argue with: crazy and stupid. Unfortunately, Clemiticus was both.

Her father had said, walk away. Get out of there and don't look back.

It was brilliant advice. So, she took it.

"Hey! Quest lady! Where are you going? Wait up!"

Clemiticus gathered all the grubby food items she had dropped and hurried behind her, dragging two halves of a wolf's carcass behind him.

No, she thought, don't talk back. Just walk away!

"Oh, here we go!"

He paused behind her, and with a strange squelching sound, he let out a cheer, as if he had won the village archery competition.

"What are you doing?" she asked frustrated, willing herself not to face him.

"Well, I am looting my reward since you won't give me boots."

He sounded sulky now. As if this was entirely her fault for gathering supplies, without the foresight of bringing an appropriately fitted pair of size eleven boots.

She placed fingers on the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. Her horror-filled curiosity had defeated her. With her will power spent, she let out a final defeated sigh. What she saw would haunt her forever.

Clemiticus the Splendiferous was hopping, trying to insert his remaining foot into the second half of the wolf's carcass. With an odd plonk, a plop and a gush of gore, he examined his new boots and gave her a blood-soaked thumbs up.

Bing!

"Clemiticus has equipped: wolf boots!"

Clemiticus cheered.

"Plus, three stamina, baby!"

"Screw this!"

Melly shrieked, then stormed away.