“You realize you can’t leave the dungeon, right?” Hilda asked the ghoul prancing at her side.

“Hells and bells, Hilly, I’m not a little girl!” The ghoul growled. “I’ll walk with you to the Djinn and then go back and protect our castle.”

Hilda cringed at the word ‘our,’ but said nothing. Insulting the ghoul entrusted with looking after all of Hilda’s possessions for an indeterminate amount of time didn’t seem like a good idea.

Philly jumped two meters into the air, somersaulted over a stone shelf, and landed with arms spread wide as if accepting cheers from the crowd. Hilda rolled her eyes and pushed the ghoul away to clear the path.

“I’m going to buy paint and canvas and other art supplies!” The ghoul declared. “I’ll make everything pretty while you’re away.” She snickered. “It will increase the resale value of our hut. Mina said so.”

Hilda gave the ghoul a wary look. “But you’re not going to paint over my stuff, right?”

The ghoul grabbed Hilda and kissed her on the forehead before Hilda had time to wriggle free. Her kiss smelled like pickled goblins. “Relax, everything’s going to be fine! We’re going to make a lot of money and buy all the things we want. I’ll defend the castle. I give you my word of honor!” The ghoul made the sign of the horns.

Your word of honor as a Chaotic monster that just ate a goblin and farted some gold coins, Hilda thought glumly. Current value estimated at 0.00 gp.

“Hey!” The ghoul yelled. “I’m a serious girl now. I have a purse and everything.”

Hilda would have rolled her eyes even harder but they were already rolled as high as possible without causing damage. “Philly. That’s not a purse. That’s just a piece of dead kobold held together with bones and nails.”

The ghoul raised her chin indignantly. “In fashion, I’m what’s called a trendsetter.”

“What trend? The trend of getting super tetanus from rusty nails coated in monster blood?”

“Sounds metal as fuck, no?” Phily asked and shook her behind, causing her leather pouch to rattle. The nails were held poorly and one of them clattered to the floor. “I can make one for you if you want.”

Hilda sighed. “I’d rather keep coins up my butt.”

Philly grinned and her ears perked up. “Met too! But you get so mad when--”

“Philly?”

“Hm?” The ghoul tilted her head curiously.

“Stop talking.”

“Yes, sir knight!” The ghoul saluted sharply, making sure her jiggly parts jiggled.

The two women finished climbing the secret passage connecting the cavern to the forest. After some pushing and shoving, they cleared the exit and were hit with a gust of fresh autumn wind. Hilda breathed in deeply, gaining as much information about the forest from a single sniff as a human would after an hour of scouting. She didn’t smell anything unusual. Just trees and animals and indignant killer toads.

“The path is clear,” Hilda told the ghoul, who was busy clawing crude images into a moss-covered tree. “Let’s go.”

While the forest was obviously the forest, some of it was part of the dungeon as well. Probably so monsters could attack adventurers resting outside the gates. Hilda approved. This planet would be a better place without such stupid adventurers. It would probably be better without any adventurers… except her and Gloin. And Medvak. And Brook. And that guy who helped her with the wasps on the worst night of her life. And… Well, the world would be better without the adventurers she didn't like.

A planned or unplanned side effect of this oddity of design was that intelligent monsters could trade with the neutral djinn merchant when adventurers weren’t around. Hilda never saw any monsters haggling with the spirit, but maybe this was simply because Hilda didn’t shop often herself. Paladins weren’t supposed to be materialistic. More importantly, Hilda was too poor to be materialistic.

Hilda looked at the ghoul by her side, sniffing the air and absorbing the environment with undisguised wonder. No invisible force arrested her movement. The ground didn’t swallow her. Divine radiance didn’t smite her. Ostensibly, if she could do this, other monsters could as well.

And Philly was poor. Even poorer than Hilda. Technically, she was a defeated monster. Her existence was the result of a moment of indiscretion on Hilda’s part.

Some monsters were rich. Supposedly, there was a green dragon living at the bottom of the dungeon who slept on a hoard of not only its own original wealth, but also the wealth of all the adventurers who died trying to steal the dragon’s wealth. Hilda salivated just thinking of this hoard, but a girl’s got to know her limitations. Hilda wondered if the djinn made house calls for rich clients. It must be nice to be rich…

Come to think of it, was the djinn a monster? If he was, he was certainly a very rich one. Could Hilda defeat him and earn XP and loot? She didn’t plan anything of the sort (at the moment) but it was nice to have options. How strong were djinns anyhow? Stronger than werewolves? She killed a werewolf once…

Philly leaped into the air, hung from a branch, jumped onto another branch, did a handstand and landed soundlessly on a rock.

“Stop it!” Hilda barked. “You’ll draw monsters. I’m not in the mood for a random encounter.”

“I’m doing gymnastics.” the ghoul protested. “Besides, toadsw and lizardmen would make great pouches.”

“Yeah…” Hilda muttered. “Especially the smell…”

Soon the women reached a clearing illuminated by the gentle blue light coming from the djinn. It was too gentle to be seen during the day, but at night it was quite magical. As always, the djinn pretended to be so absorbed by his magazine that he didn't notice his customers. It was a strategy he employed to let you know you needed him more than he needed you.

Hilda tilted her head to see what the blue spirit was reading. It was a culinary magazine. Two headlines jumped to her eyes. The first was “How to Cook Armored Dwarfs to Keep The Juice Inside” and the second was “Are Ghouls the New Goats? On the Benefits of Ghoul Milk.”

Hilda groaned. Haha. Very funny.

The djinn raised his head and looked at the two women through drooping lids. This was also part of the act. For an elemental spirit that didn’t need to rest, he sure looked sleepy all the time.

“Oh hi girls,” he said in his soft voice. “Looking good! Hilly, darling, have you been working out… with that hot bard of yours?” The djinn bit his lower lip. “Hmm!”

Next he turned his gaze on Philly. “Oh my! Where have you been hiding this natural beauty? Loving the purse, girlfriend!”

“I made it myself!” Philly beamed with pride and joy. “You want one?”

“Honey, I’d love to… but I’m too incorporeal.”

“Don’t get too excited.” Hilda whisper-hissed at the ghoul. “He talks like that with everyone.”

“Peace!” Hilda spoke the greeting as formally and stiffly as she could. “I have come to purchase a scroll of Message and a scroll of, um, Summon Familiar.”

“And I want some art supplies!” the ghoul barged in. “Pretty ones. With all the colors.”

“Oh honey,” the Djinn said to the dwarf with such a pitying gaze she felt like smiting him. “You know paladins can’t have familiars. Can I interest you in a nice, pet c--”

“Apparently,” Hilda spoke over the spirit. “They can. Just sell me the damn scroll. If it doesn’t work, it’s my problem.”

The djinn raised his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Sheesh, sister, who put sand in your vagina?”

“I sometimes get sand in my vagina when I fight Earth elementals.” Philly said conversationally. “

The dwarf and djinn looked at her for a few heartbeats before resuming their conversation.

The djinn’s soft expression hardened a mite. “Whateves, 100 goldie boys. You know my policy: no refunds. Not even if you ask nicely.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Hilda said. After a moment she added, “Can I get a discount if I buy several first level scrolls?”

“Sure, sister. Buy four: fifth is free.”

Hilda planned to buy three Message scrolls just in case. Plus the Summon Familiar scroll, it would make four. Now what else could she need on this quest? A charm person spell could be very helpful, but paladins definitely couldn’t cast that. No combat ability was worth 100 gp (Hilda had enough on her character sheet.) Summon Steed maybe? It would save her time with overland travel, except that Hilda never rode anything in her life. (Hey, get your mind out of the gutter, this is serious!). A Zone of Truth for negotiations? Good wisdom saving throws could fool that spell and anyone with that much obsidian was probably smart.

Hmm.. That much obsidian… that’s it! She’ll get a Locate Object scroll! If she lucked out, maybe she could find an untapped vein of the stuff and mine it for a fraction of the price it would cost her to buy it from the agent of a broker of a representative of a mediator of a partner of a manager of a miner… who’d each want a share. Yes, that’s it. Hilda would get a Locate Object scroll. She always wanted to divine something anyhow. It looked so fun when Gloin did it…

Without hesitation, Hilda announced: “I’d like a scroll of Summon Familiar, three scrolls of Message and a scroll of Locate Object… oh and some chocolate. Dark and bitter.”

“And I’d like paints in all the colors!” Philly said. “Um, bright and happy please!”

“And canvas,” Hilda added threateningly.

“Um, yes, yes, of course.” Phily said, spilling a handful of bloody coins from her ghoulish purse onto her palm. “And a canvas.”

“Uno memento, my pretties,” the djinn said and blinked out of existence. “I need to pick these from my interdimensional pocket,” came a disembodied voice.

“Oo!” Philly exclaimed. “Sounds lewd!”

“He meant that literally,” Hilda said while counting her own coins. Each coin that left her purse felt like a lost body part. However, their sacrifice was not in vain for it was made for a noble cause. Making more money. That thought alone kept the dwarf from sinking into depression over such a major expense. 400 gp. If that deal didn’t go through, she might be forced to move back to the city and start earning measly silver guarding temples and patrolling tunnels.

“So,” the ghoul said after a while. “What kind of familiar are you going to summon? A sexy angel? An innocent unicorn? A celestial hawk of silver and gold? A mini-golem?”

Hilda shrugged. “Let’s see the list first, shall we?”