The dwarf and the ghoul stood before the drow like two chastised neonates at the seminary. The dwarf had a couple of new scars on her broad face, but otherwise looked ready for inspection. Her armor shone dully in the glittering torchlight and her hammer looked fresh out of the forge. The rest of her expropriated armory lay in a heap in the corner of the antechamber, still reeking of slaughter. The exception was a hideously colorful spear that made the drow’s stomach churn with its mere presence. It positively glowed with goodness. Yikes!

The ghoul stood beside the dwarf, squeaky clean and dressed in a strict black and red dress she kept pawing at as if it was made from an itchy potato sack and not the softest silk.

Mina slapped the ghoul’s paw away with a fan she stole from an older sister. Her sister was more into whips, so the fan didn’t have much use anyway. Just in case, Mina had planted some evidence that would point toward one of their brothers, an annoying boy who kept playing with Mina’s toys without her permission. The fool then went on and got himself killed in a duel with an older cousin (at least that was the cousin’s version of events), leaving the whole drama unresolved. Still, she did get the fan. She slapped the ghoul’s other wrist away from the dress. At this pace, the dress would be in tatters before they left the room. By all the demons in hell, it was easier to have a hellhound wear a tutu than keep this freak decent.

“Proper ladies do not pull at their dress all the time. You look like a circus animal forced into a costume.” She slapped the ghoul’s hand down to her side for a third time. “Be mindful of decorum.” She poked the ghoul in the chest with her fan for emphasis. “You’re an elf under all this rot. Behave like one!”

“I don’t know what this means…” the ghoul complained. Scratching one hand with the other.

The drow threatened her with the fan. “Don’t try to be smart with me, Neraphelia!”

“I’m not…” The ghoul pouted.

“She’s really not.” The dwarf voiced her support. “She really is that dumb.”

The drow whirled on her. The dwarf didn’t flinch. “You touch me with that fan and I’ll shove it up your ass.” The dwarf said in a calm and measured tone. There was no anger in her voice at all. It was a simple statement of fact. Again, Mina felt concern run circles in her stomach.

The dwarf looked silly, but Mina had seen the swath of death and destruction the small creature had left in her wake as she stumbled through the dungeon. While the dwarf was fully encased in metal right now, Mina had spied on her once or twice or every day in the past week. She knew the short creature had enough muscles to serve as a humanoid siege weapon and the stamina of a pack of pack lizards.

Mina had no illusions about the violence the dwarf was capable of at the slightest provocation. She’d studied about the Cult of the Moon in her seminary days. It was not a forgiving religion.

Mina decided on a less confrontational approach to civilize this one.

“I’m not doing this out of some desire to dominate, I take no pleasure in humiliating young women,” she lied, “It’s just that if we make a bad first impression on the buyer, the best we can hope for is that he won’t employ us and the lead will go to someone else. The worst is that he and his associates will kill us and eat us.” That wasn’t a lie. The buyer was a monster even by monstrous standards.

“Eat us?” The dwarf frowned. “I don’t want to work with people who eat people…”

“I eat people…” the ghoul said with a shy smile. Mina and the dwarf looked at her and then resumed their conversation.

“Well, if it was that easy to make a lot of money in a couple months’ work, everyone would be rich, wouldn’t they?”

The dwarf’s frown deepened. “I guess… but look. I’m a paladin. I can’t take just about any quest. I’ll lose my powers if I stray too much from the Straight Path. If the buyer is some crazy cannibal…” the dwarf sighed, as if lamenting her own principles. “It’s not a good look.”

“I’m a crazy cannibal,” the ghoul said cheerfully. “And I look good, no?”

The drow shrugged. “If you want pure and noble quests, go back to the surface. Here, everyone is either evil or chaotic. This gentleman is both. However,” the drow raised her fan for emphasis, “the quest is completely in line with your alignment and religion. I have superb religious education and I can guarantee it. In fact,” she pointed at the dwarf with her fan, “putting the identity of the buyer aside, it’s the sort of quest that a dwarf elder is likely to give to a dwarf merchant.”

“What is the quest?” Hilda almost whined. “Both you and Philly keep talking about it, but you won’t tell me what it is. I’m supposed to find a guy who sells something?”

Mina paused. She wasn’t sure about the details herself. “You need to help the buyer procure a large number of, um,” Mina pressed the fan to her lower lip. She was told the name of the product many times, but kept forgetting it. Non-magical objects were so boring. She sighed. “I don’t remember it’s exact name, the buyer will provide all the details. The important thing is that all you need to do is to find a seller and link him to the buyer. That is all.”

The dwarf sighed and shook her head. “I want to sign a contract that will include the exact obligations and compensation of all parties including myself, Philly, yourself, and the buyer. It should cover such eventualities as--”

The drow rolled her eyes and waved her fan in the air as if blowing the dwarf’s words away. “Prepare any contract you like, we’ll sign it.”

“Really?” The dwarf asked, her dark eyes wide with surprise.

“Of course!” The drow said emphatically. “Make it as long and detailed as you like. Write it in blood if you want. We’ll all sign it happily.”

“I sign everything happily.” Philly said. “My signature is very pretty.”

“My dear,” Mina looked at the ghoul through drooping lids. “Your signature is just your name with hearts instead of dots. Hardly the height of style--”

“Wait,” the dwarf raised a hand palm outward. “Don’t you want to take part in drawing the contract?”

“No, dear. Just write your heart away.”

“But--”

“Us servants of Chaos love signing contracts, don’t you know.”

The ghoul nodded enthusiastically. “It’s fun.”

“Oh.” The dwarf said, crestfallen. Realization slowly taking root in her thick skull.

“Oh, indeed.” The drow mimicked the dwarf’s thick tone. “Just out of curiosity, what court were you planning to go to in case one of the parties failed to live up to your expectations?

The drow studied the dwarf like a teacher talking to a particularly slow student. “Would you go seek justice with the Heartless Matrons, so called because each one of them has ripped out her own heart to remove her last link to the weakness of flesh? Would you appeal to one of the great dragons who sleep upon piles of gold looted from shattered palaces and despoiled monasteries?” The drow scoffed. “Did you imagine that my city has a chamber of commerce? Perhaps you think lizardmen employ--”

“Enough!” The dwarf shouted. “You’ve made your point. I didn’t think this through. You don’t have to be a bitch about it.”

“She’s a drow,” the ghoul whispered into the dwarf’s ear, “she kinda has to.”

The drow snorted and shook her head in amusement. “You two are ever so lucky to have me as your guide. Why, you’d be eaten alive without me.”

“Yep…” the dwarf sighed and looked down dejectedly. “That’s me. Hilda the lucky dwarf…”

“Well then, I’m going to start working on my teleport ritual. Put on your happy faces, girls.” The drow smiled stiffly, the gesture hurting her atrophied smiling muscles. “You only get to make a first impression once.”

“Unless you have Mind Blank memorized!” the ghoul suggested unhelpfully. The world dissolved like color melting from a painting to reveal the rot behind. The Queen’s Pillars was not a nice place.