The first thing that hit her was the brightness of the sun. Dwarfs were not surface dwellers and it would take her eyes a lot longer to penetrate the dazzling whiteness than it would have taken for a human or a halfling. Meanwhile, Hilda had her trusted nose to guide her. Say one thing for dwarfs, say they were masters of olfaction. Hilda sniffed.

Fresh wind carried odors of blossoms as it whispered through rustling trees. Birds chattered from tall branches and frogs chittered on lower branches. Discarded adventuring equipment and lots of cans and bottles littered the ground in front of the dungeon entrance, because sure, why not? It’s not like any of these assholes planned to return to this beautiful place so they might as well wreck it.

The whiteout cleared and the world took shape.

Medvak stood at the edge of the woods, examining with satisfaction a signpost he’d just finished hammering into the ground using Hilda’s sacred weapon. His pile of doors leaned against a stately oak, now a couple doors thicker than she remembered. His broad chest and plain honest face had a handful of fresh scars, but otherwise he looked well -- healthy, strong and optimistic. He was so tall that Hilda could stand on the top of her own hand and still be unable to look at him at eye level. Humans really were magnificent creatures.

“Hilda!” he cried out in surprise as soon as he noticed the beaten dwarf squinting at him. “You look terrible! What happened?”

He ran towards her, spread his hands as if to scoop her in a big embrace but then thought better of it and just nodded politely in the style of the Monks of the Golden Dragon. Good thing too, because a hug would have really hurt right now.

Hilda sighed. “I suck. That’s what happened.”

Medvak waited for a few seconds for the dwarf to elaborate before going on. “I was worried about you… I found your hammer in a room full of acid. Um, I went looking for you to return the hammer, but then some strange creature that was half woman and half spider attacked me with webs and daggers. I fought it off, but after the fight. I had less than half my full hit points and the guideline for barbarians recommends--”

“It’s okay.” Hilda said. “It’s a nice hammer. I’d stolen it too.” She offered a small smile to make sure the human understood she was joking. “What’s that sign you’re nailing? It’s too bright for me to read.”

“Oh,” Medvak said as if just now noticing the sign he’d been studiosuly fastening until a minute ago. “These are instructions on how to find me in the next few weeks. I didn’t want you to think I stole your weapon.”

Hilda snorted, amused that for all his talk of returning her hammer, Medvak so far made no motion of actually returning the weapon.

Still smiling, she raised an eyebrow. “You left instructions on how to find you… in a forest swarming with monsters near a dungeon swarming with vengeful undead?”

“Um… yes?” Medvak winced as if looking at the wind.

“Medvak,” Hilda said with a grin. “You’re an idiot.” Then her smile melted away. “Oh, I have no right to call anyone an idiot. I’m a homeless, penniless loser covered in ghoul saliva.”

“Ghoul sal--” Medvak shook his head like a dog drying itself. “Listen,” he placed a hand the size of a buckler on her shoulder. “I’m going to visit my family soon. We have a very nice garden and a hut by the lake. Maybe…” he hesitated, “maybe… you want to come live with us for a while? I mean, as my guest. I could show you, um… stuff? Like, barbarian things and, eh… stuff?”

Hilda smiled sadly and shrugged off the human’s comforting hand. “It’s not a good idea and you know it.”

“No,” Medvak swallowed. “I’m just saying--”

Hilda shook her head gently.

The human sighed. “Okay, I understand. What are you going to do?”

“You are always welcome to visit my family.” Hilda said placatingly. “You know, if you ever get tired of peace and quiet and enjoying life. You can sleep in a storehouse. We’ll put seven beds together for you…” Hilda sighed. “I really don’t know what I’m going to do. If there is one thing this week has taught me is to never do anything ever. Maybe I’ll find some deep, dark hole and just crawl there and die…”

Medvak snorted. “Sounds like you should go live in the dungeon. Philly would--”

“By the name of the Goddess!” Hilda cried out! “Medvak, this is an idea!”

“I was joking!” Medvak cried with wide eyes. “You’re a paladin, not a monster. You won’t survive in a dungeon.”

Hilda shook her head vehemently, too excited to put her thoughts into words. “Medvak, can I trouble you to accompany me into the dungeon one last time? I have a very bad idea that requires a very good door.”

The doorbearian effortlessly swung his huge pile of doors unto his broad back and grinned. “Well, my little friend, you’ve come to the right place! I’m all about very good doors! First, however,” he said sternly, “you’re finishing a long rest.” He raised a hand in the air, palm outward. “Don’t argue with me. I’m not letting you into a dungeon with a single hit point left.”

“But--”

“No buts, young lady. Right now, a lucky grasshopper could drop you. You need to heal.” Medvak leaned down to wave a baton-sized finger in the dwarf’s face. “Don’t make me nail you to a tree.”

Hilda snorted. “Fine! But you’re feeding me…”

“Deal!” Medvak said with laughter in his voice.

Getting out of the giant group hug required a moderately difficult strength check. Her ears still ringing from the ghoul’s joyful shriek, Hilda cleared her throat and said, “don’t get too excited. I’m here to exploit you. I need to speak to the Dungeon Master and I can’t do it directly.”

“What?!” Man and ghoul shouted in unison, killing the little hearing the dwarf had left.

“Stop yelling!” Hilda hissed at the two giants flanking her. She hated being so short. It made her feel like a child looking up to her elders when in fact, she was the responsible adult in the room. God help us all.

“Come,” Hilda waved for her stunned companions to follow, “we’re going to the troll room. I’ll explain on the way.”

“It’s a very short way.” Mevak said, glancing at the still open section of wall leading to the third level.

“It’s a very short explanation,” Hilda said and nudged him at the door. “Philly said new monsters are coming into the dungeon and--”

“Hilda, I know you’re angry but--”

“Shut up. I’m not changing my alignment. You can stop celebrating,” she told the gleeful ghoul, “and you can stop worrying,” she told the anxious barbarian. “I’ll die before betraying the Goddess and I have no plans of being a badger. Listen. The Dungeon Master is kinda weird.

“For example, look at this ghoul.” Hilda snorted, “you’re always looking at this ghoul, but really look at her.”

Philly swirled like a model, her strange jewelry chiming against her branded and tattooed skin. She then brushed her hands along her body in what was probably supposed to be seductive but looked like she was swatting bugs away. With the odor the ghoul exhumed, Hilda was surprised she didn’t have to do it more often.

“Unless someone is an absolute bastard, Philly is not going to be a combat encounter. She’s clearly not evil and she’s barely chaotic. She has no valuable treasure and doesn’t really provide any useful information.”

“I’m pretty.” Philly said, not the slightest bit hurt by the catalogue of her uselessness.

“Exactly!” Hilda said excitedly.

“Really?” Philly asked, her eyes wide with surprise.

“Yes,” Hilda said. “You’re a decoration. A respite that adds flavor to the dungeon. Just killing monsters and looting their treasure all day long is boring. Your Dungeon Master, I’m almost sure, has artistic pretenses. Maybe he thinks his dungeon teaches us something, Goddess forfend!”

Medvak frowned. “Okay, so we all agree that Philly is pretty but how does it help you? You are--” the man flushed and looked away, probably realizing the implications of what he was about to say. The party was crossing the hand art passage. Their path was illuminated by a torch someone just left burning on the floor. Rude.

Hilda glared at Medvak. She didn’t need this bumbling oak’s approval. He wasn’t a dwarf. He wasn’t supposed to be attracted to dwarfs. Who cared what he thought about her? Besides, she saw how he looked at her. She had 14 points of Charisma. More than he did.

“I didn’t mean that--”

“Just shut up.” Hilda grumbled. “I just want to talk to him. I don’t want to seduce him. I have a boyfriend and I have a goddess…”

“You can still have a girlf--” Philly suggested cheerfully but grew silent when Hilda snarled at her.

“Concentrate!” Hilda hissed. “I’m going to do a very dangerous thing. For both of us!”

Medvak studied the two women. The battle of curiosity and concern clearly seen in his bright blue eyes. “Hilda, you’re a paladin, you aren’t supposed to talk to dungeon masters.”

“I’m also a judge,” Hilda countered. “I’m supposed to talk to everyone. Don’t blame me. I didn’t pick this prestige class.”

“No one picks their prestige class, it seems…” Medvak said softly then added even more softly, “we can still at least read what it does instead of guessing…”

The party reached the troll cave. Bones clattered beneath their feet like empty bottles after a party. Hilda looked around and twisted her nose in disgust. No one, neither humanoid nor monster, cared about cleanliness anymore. No one cared about making their living space or work space a work of art. The world really was a dump.

Maybe the decisors of the Unidwarf Collective were right after all. Maybe the struggle to bring divine order to this chaotic world was doomed. Maybe the great message of the gods of her ancestors was wasted on the natives of this planet of disorder and poor decisions. Maybe the dwarfs had no business trying to make this planet their home and had to devote all their time and craft to building spaceships and reclaiming their old world… Hilda smiled ruefully, If only they had managed to construct even a single vessel that didn’t explode after take off…

While Hilda brooded, Philly walked up to the altar and lovingly caressed it with her claws. She then looked up and smiled at her companions. “Okay, I’m going to do this now. Don’t get scared if I sound weird, okay? The Dungeon Master is kinda, um, intense?”

“I’m ready.” Hilda said grimly, wishing she’d taken the time to relieve her bladder before summoning this godlike entity of chaos and death for an idiotic bargain.