Chapter 14

Bonus

"Bonus!" said Fred. "How nice. Assuming it's not something as spectacularly overpowered as my condensed milk bonus."

"Your what now?" asked Hugo.

"Shh!" said Joan, "we'll explain later." She looked at the Guide who was humming to himself and examining a ghostly nail. "So, what are our options?"

"You can increase the power of your current bonuses," said the Guide, "or you can have a new one."

"New one," said Fred instantly. "I don't need more condensed milk. Although those are words I never thought I would say."

"What are the new ones?" said Joan. The Guide sighed, rolling his eyes as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders. He paused for a long moment, looking introspective. When he looked up a giant, fake smile was plastered on his face.

"It's time to play CHOOSE YOUR BONUS!" he bellowed, the enormous smile pushing his cheeks into little intense apples. They all stared at him. The Guide looked rather embarrassed, his eyes shifting from side to side as if expecting something to happen behind them. They all turned to look around the dark basement. There was nothing there."Oh for the love of –" he said. The Guide looked down as if he was peering into the pages of the book, at something Fred and co couldn't see. "Are you ready now? Okay, good. About time." He cleared his throat and looked up again. "I said... it's time to play CHOOSE YOUR BONUS!"

There was a massive boom. What little light there was in the baker's basement vanished. The embers of the furnace blinked out. Before anyone could move or comment a limelight winked on, bathing Fred and Joan in twin circles of bright light. The Guide scooted backwards, spinning in uncharacteristic, and quite possibly contractually stipulated glee. His pages of the book fluttered wildly in a luminous, magical breeze. When he came to a stop the Guide was freshly dressed in a top hat, a bowtie. He would have looked quite dapper if not for the scowl that had replaced his unconvincing smile. "Just like we rehearsed," he said out of the corner of his mouth.

"What?" said Alice. "Who are you talking to?"

Before he could reply the walls started to vibrate. Alice and Hugo clutched each other. A thundering drumroll rocked the cellar. Fred and Joan staggered, trying to keep their footing. Something moved in the darkness and Fred gripped his ladle expecting... a monster, a skeleton, a witch... What emerged from the darkness was an apparition all right – a figure tottering along in sky-high heels and a sparkling floor-length gown worked in rippling silver sequins. Fred relaxed a little.

"Hello Betty," he said.

The small goblin, complete with blonde, beehive wig, and pearl necklace, set up a giant wheel next to the Guide. She turned to face them with what would have been a dazzling smile. If there had not been so many teeth. She posed, hand on her hip, one muscular, hairy leg protruding through the sparkling slit in her frock.

"What the fuck," said Alice, from one side.

"That's Betty," said Fred. "She's nice."

The goblin assistant narrowed her eyes at him but didn't break her pose.

"Roll the wheel!" shouted the Guide with fake enthusiasm. "Roll the wheel to determine your fate! Your bonus! Your destiny and the destiny of this fair land (oh my god, who writes this crap?) determined by the gods of chance! Prepare yourselves, sir and madam! Are you ready?"

Fred and Joan stared at the wheel. It was enormous and divided into thirteen black and white segments. Each segment had a small icon affixed to the outer rim of each segment. The icons were small and not particularly illuminating. Fred could see the outline of a muscled arm, a sprig of flowers, an eye and various other things that meant nothing to him. Next to him, Joan was squinting too.

"Sure," he said.

"Go on then," said the Guide, in a more normal voice. "Get on with it. I'm going to need to lie down after this and a very sizable sherry. Come on, stop fannying about."

Joan stepped up a little hesitantly and stood before the wheel. Betty smiled at her encouragingly.

"What'll it be?" boomed the Guide.

Joan spun the wheel. It flashed round and round, sparkles flying. Music thundered dramatically from every corner of the cellar. ("Someone needs to tune their trumpet," said Hugo. "It's a bit much," said Alice, sticking her fingers in her ears.) The wheel slowed, then came to a stop on the eye. Betty gestured delicately, rustling her sequins and making a coquettish dip.

"Congratulations!" she squeaked at Joan.

"Identify!" said the Guide in a bored voice. "Now The Fredinator!"

Fred rolled the wheel, and once again it spun and clacked. It came to stop on the eye.

"Identify, again!" said the Guide.

The book snapped shut. "Okay great. Well done, or whatever. And I'm contractually obligated to remind you that you are still in tutorial mode, at least until all your entire party levels up."

He snapped his fingers and the limelight clicked off. The music faded away with a jangle and a discordant toot. Betty picked up the wheel and tottered off with it, disappearing once more into the dark of the far basement.

"Remind us?" said Fred. "When did you ever mention that we were in tutorial mode? Joan thought we were but you never said anything."

"Oops," said the Guide. "Blah blah blah, section nineteen of the Adventurer's Code, yadda yadda yadda..."

"Can we see the Code?" asked Joan, sharply.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Them's the rules," he said.

They all glared at him. "Okay, fine. If you really want to see it it's in the sixth sub basement on the lower floor of the Administration Office, wedged behind a filing cabinet and shielded from the weather by a cardboard box. In the closet next to the broken gent's toilet."

"Why is there weather in the basement?" asked Hugo.

"How do we get to the Administration Office?" asked Fred.

"I think," said the Guide, inspecting a finger hand that rose, spectre-like out of the glowing book, "that this conversation has run its course. Bye, losers."

He disappeared in a flurry of sparks.

"I wonder," said Fred, "how high we have to level, or who we have to seduce to get a more helpful Guidebook."

("I heard that.")

"So!" he said, loudly. "Identify? What on earth does that do and why do we want it?"

"It means you look at something and you can tell what it is," said Alice. "I assume?"

"I mean," said Fred. "Can I do that already? With my eyeballs?"

"In the game, silly," said Joan. She held up her staff. "You should be able to see what this is without equipping it for instance." Fred looked.

[Knobbly Wizard's Staff +2 hitpoints (grants 2 Mana)]

"Oh neat," he said. He looked at a pie on the shelf.

[One Suspicious Pie -1 XP ­]

"That is handy," he said. "Although I could probably tell that without needing the skill. I mean from the creepy dungeon paraphernalia lying about and the bits of children."

"It works on people too," said Joan. Fred looked at her.

[Joan of Snark, Druid Level 2]

"More practical," said Fred. He looked at Hugo.

[Slightly Grumpy Hugo Balls, Wizard Level 1]

"Why are you slightly grumpy, Hugo?" he asked. Hugo started.

"What? How do you know?" the young man blushed. "I'm fine, I'm just tired."

"See," said Joan. "Very handy."

"Widdums," said Alice. "Past his bedtime. Let's do another quest!"

Fred looked at the little boy Thomas, who had been standing quietly, holding Alice's hand.

[Thomas the Boy, NPC Level 1 Return to his mother to complete Quest]

"I think– " said Joan. She was interrupted by a loud groan. Simon was still lying on the floor in a heap. "Oh, he's still here."

[Simon the Baker, NPC Level 3, defeated]

"I thought we killed him?"

"So did I."

They all crowded around the baker who groaned again as Alice prodded him with her shoe. He sat up and held his hands over his head, the wrists touching.

"You got me!" he said. "Take me to the watch! I should be punished for my crimes!"

They all exchanged looks.

"Fine," said Alice. She and Hugo went looking for some rope. Simon sat meekly waiting for them to return. They returned shortly with some twine and he didn't move a muscle as they tied his hands together.

"I can see why this is tutorial mode," said Fred, quietly to Joan, eying the docile baker. "Now I think about it." Joan snorted.

"You don't say."

They herded Simon up the rickety stairs and out onto the street. After collecting Epic from her shadowy corner and explaining the events of the night ("He was doing what?") the whole group of them frog-marched the evil baker to the Merry Plebbington's gaol. After depositing him into the arms of the sleepy watch they escorted the little boy, Thomas to his grateful mother. She thanked them profusely and gifted them an old treasure map that she said belonged to her deceased uncle.

"Ugggggg can't you just give us some money," groaned Alice.

The NPC looked affronted, standing in her nightgown in front of her little thatched cottage and clutching her young son to her bosom.

"I'm so sorry," she said. "We are but poor and simple folk. This is all I have to give. My uncle was convinced there was something of great value lying in the caves at Skeleton Gorge."

"It might be worth more than a few coins," said Hugo.

"Yes, but I'm hungry, now," said Alice.

"How did your uncle die?" asked Joan, inspecting the map with some interest.

"He died trying to find the treasure," Thomas' mum said, cheerily.

"Great," said Hugo, stifling a yawn. "Wonderful."

They said their farewells and Joan tucked the treasure map into her bag. Thomas and his mother shut the door and disappeared into the little thatched cottage.

A brief argument broke out over their next course of action.

"I don't understand why I have XP," said Epic. "I wasn't in the fight."

"I'm really hungry," said Alice. "We should get some food and then go and explore that map."

"Are you out of your mind? It must be easily two in the–"

"You are part of the party," said Joan to Epic. "We share XP now–"

"Doesn't seem fair–"

"WILL YOU KEEP IT DOWN OR I WILL CALL THE WATCH!"

"Sorry!" Fred apologized to the irate farmer, who was leaning out of a nearby window. They all shuffled away from the dark cottages. "Let's find somewhere to sleep," he said in a low voice, "we can talk in the morning."

"I should go loot the bakery," said Alice. "I'm hungry – you all probably are too. We are out of money, and it's a wasted opportunity. We need funds. And the man's in gaol for goodness sake. For baking children into pies."

"Hmm," said Joan.

"Can't it wait?"

"Hmm all you want," said Alice. "You know I'm right. If we wait I might not be able to break in again."

"Alice raised a valid point," said Fred. "Are we going to embrace this life of crime?"

Everyone nodded except Joan. Epic's stomach rumbled piteously.

"Fine," said Joan, huffing out her cheeks. "Fine." They traipsed their way back through the farmlands and onto the dark streets once more.

"I assume last time you played money wasn't an issue?" said Fred. "Morality in abundance?" Joan nodded.

"I was a paladin," she said, mournfully. "Trying to atone for my life of piracy, you understand."

"Of course, of course."

"I was rolling in treasure." Joan sighed. "But I'm hungry too."

They arrived back at the now-abandoned bakery. Once more they kept a lookout for the watch and Alice slipped into the building. She emerged a short while later, burdened with a large burlap sack.

[Alice69 +2 Thieving]

"Did you leave anything behind?" asked Fred with a laugh.

"Come on, let's scarper," said Hugo.

"There's a decent spot in the meadow," said Joan. "Should be comfortable enough."

And it was.

They all laid their blankets down on the grass and Fred started a fire. Alice had thoughtfully stolen a frying pan as well as eggs, bacon, rolls, butter and rather obscene amounts of cake. Joan soon had bacon and eggs sizzling in the pan.

[The Fredinator +1 firemaking]

[Joan of Snark +1 cooking]

"Do you think it's alright?" asked Hugo, eying the supplies with some trepidation. "I don't accidentally want to become a cannibal. What if Simon had mixed in people with the batter?"

"It's fine," said Joan, "I checked it all. None of this is made out of people."

"Thank goodness."

Sitting around the smoky campfire eating bacon stuffed buns was not a bad way to end the night. They all enjoyed their late-night meal, although Fred could have done with some tea.

"To our first quest!" said Fred, raising a [Decent But Slightly Heavy Cupcake] in salute.

"To our first quest!" everyone echoed.

They fell asleep with full stomachs listening to the gentle crackle of the dying embers. Just as they nodded off the first rosy fingers of dawn streaked the eastern horizon.