"Damn it, I've been using dandruff shampoo for a week but I still got dandruff." Tex said as they made their way up the stairs.

"Well, you should probably stop using a shampoo with so much dandruff in it." Tala replied.

With a sharp inhale, Tex began to choke on a mouthful of his own spit. Junji had to help him up the next flight of stairs.

"You can't just say something like that." Tex managed.

"Something like what?" asked Tala.

"Like--Jesus."

Tex cut himself off in awe as he noticed the sight through the door to the floor right below their office, the floor that Barton had chased him down to the day before. Because not only was Barton still there, but her quick steps implied she’d never stopped patrolling the hall.

Tala and Junji stopped walking when they noticed Tex was staring.

"Is that Barton?" Tala wondered.

Barton looked over at the sound of her name.

"Oh, hey guys." she greeted.

"Have you been here the whole time?" Tex asked.

"I guess. How'd you get out?"

"I snuck out. Like a day ago. How've you been peeing?"

"Camel pack and a paper funnel I folded."

"That's a good idea." Junji said fondly.

Barton made her way over and joined their group. Tex positioned himself so that Tala and Junji were both between him and Barton before they resumed their trek up the stairs.

"What are you three doing here, anyway?" Barton asked.

"We're going to Canada, remember?" answered Tala. "We texted you, but you didn't reply."

"Oh yeah. Let's go."

They only had to step into the office for a minute to grab Tala's laptop and the equipment bag. Since they were all going together, Barton only charged them three fifty each for a ride to the train station as part of a group deal.

"So." Barton said to Tex as they parked. "About that conversation we were gonna have."

"I ain’t talked to her." Tex muttered.

"Oh. Good."

Barton looked surprised but astronomically relieved. Tex turned his attention to his feet.

The mission ended up being much easier than any they'd had in a while, considering that Canada was a straight shot from where they were and that their target lived alone in a massive house with no neighbors.

They snuck in through the back door after Tala turned off all the cameras. A car was parked next to the house, so they were extra quiet as they made their way inside through the back door.

They rooted through the house in silence for the computer and the target. Tex searched the upstairs with Tala and came over when she motioned for him.

Tala was by the couch. Tex walked over to see a foot sticking out of a mess of blankets against the couch cushions.

Tex pulled his gun out of his pocket. The target was clearly fast asleep, but he was still careful as he lifted the blanket from their head to get a better shot.

Tex froze.

The person on the couch before him was definitely the same one he'd seen in the photo Tala had shown him, but he hadn't realized until seeing the target up close that it was a woman.

"Tex?" Tala whispered.

"You didn't tell me it was a lady." Tex replied.

"It didn't seem relevant."

Tex's hands started to tremble against the plastic casing of his gun. With a sigh, Tala grabbed the gun from Tex's hands, pointed it at the woman, and took a shot.

She missed by a few feet. And even with the silencer, it was still as loud as a cymbal crash.

"Give me that." Tex ordered as he grabbed his gun back.

"Who's there?" the woman asked with a stir.

Grimacing hard, Tex pulled the trigger and landed a shot between her eyes with a wet smack.

"Is he dead yet?" Barton asked from the bottom of the stairs.

"It was a girl." said Tala.

"Ooh."

"Tex freaked out."

While they all followed the wires that coated the floor to the giant computer in the center of the house, Tex set his expression to defensive.

"I didn't freak out." he replied.

"Look at me. I can't hit a girl." Barton mocked. "I can't shoot the enemy troops. Barton, I don't wanna fire-bomb a hospital."

"You know what? I don't guess that's such a bad thing."

Tala's face twisted with passive-aggressive judgement.

"What?" Tex pushed.

"The only other groups of people you're not allowed to hit are children and old people." Tala replied.

"So what?"

"Kind of insulting implications."

Tex wondered how Tala could have possibly come to such a conclusion.

"Do women not strike you as more important to our survival?" he asked her.

"Good point. All these bear attacks have been bringing us close to extinction lately."

"Look, it's simple." Barton said as she gestured with her hands. "Hitting builds character. If you only hit men, you're going to die as half the man you could've been."

While Tala hooked up the adapter, Tex turned his head to Junji, who was staring at the dark computer screen with an expression of reminiscence.

"What?" asked Tex.

"We used to have a saying in my family." Junji answered slowly. "Subete no shōniseiai no yubiwa no ue ni josei ga arimasu."

"What do that mean?"

"No underground pedophile ring would be complete without a woman at the top."

Tex frowned.

"I don’t think I should have to apologize for this." he said.

"Nobody's asking you to." Tala replied. "We just want to make fun of you."

"...Oh."

Tex immediately began to feel better.

The rest of the mission proved itself pretty dull. All they ended up doing for the victim in the computerverse was upload him into a smartphone and give him the ability to communicate on instant messaging services so that he could fight his real human counterpart for the love of his girlfriend.

“I’m sure that will be fun for all three of them.” Junji said as they left the house.

The ride back was a little quieter than the ride there had been. Thanks to the time zone switch, it would be about ten in the morning when they returned to Seattle.

"Can we have a meeting tomorrow?" Tala asked Tex a few minutes into the train ride.

"For what?" he replied.

"Something came up while we were in Canada."

They ended up agreeing on six in the afternoon of the next day. Tex's eyes were heavy as they stepped off the train and into the station.

"Well, it's been stupid." Barton said as she waved them off. "Have fun bussing ho--"

"Hello!" a familiar voice called from the exit bay of a train just across from them.

Tex looked over to see a woman with bright red hair and blue eyes. She made her way over to them with no signs of animosity, which Tex found hard to get used to.

He wished he could say he hadn't been expecting her.

"Can't believe I ran into y'all here." Lida followed. "With all these people, chances of that have gotta be small."

Slowly, Tex turned to Barton and watched with a guilty consciousness as all signs of hope, joy, and belief in human nature dropped from her face.

“Lame.” Barton muttered.

"Sorry I have to go to yachting practice." Tala said as she left immediately.

Lida shot a confused glance in Tala's direction.

"Lida." Barton started. "What brings you up here?"

"Came up to do some business with Tagawa." Lida answered. "I like to do things face to face, instead of face to NSA."

"This is good." Junji replied. "I prefer to meet in person.”

Tex could feel Barton's eyes on him, but he didn't dare look.

"Gotta say, this place is huge." Lida said as she gave the air a sniff. "Why smoke a pack a day when you could live here?"

"Mhm." Tex replied.

"Hey Dallas?" Barton asked.

"Mhh?"

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

Tex felt Barton's fingers wrap around the bottom of his shirt.

"Uh," he replied. "I dunno if--"

"Come on."

Barton took Tex out of the train station and onto the street. Wanting to keep Lida and Junji out of it, Tex tried to make it look like he wasn’t being dragged as it happened.

"Dallas." Barton stated.

"What."

"Why did you do this?"

"I didn't--I didn't do anything."

Barton looked at Tex like he'd just drawn a penis on the wall with crayon.

"All I did was go down to Arkansas to return her pocket watch, and then she screwed me on her desk a little." followed Tex. "I dunno what she's doing up here."

Barton looked at Tex like he'd just drawn a penis on the wall with crayon and lied about it.

"I didn't have nothing to do with it!" Tex pleaded.

"Really? Lida assaulted you?"

Tex rubbed the back of his head.

"I might've had...something to do with it." he muttered.

"You said you weren't gonna relapse again."

"And I really believed that at the time."

Barton spread out her arms and laid face down on the sidewalk.

"You know, you could support me." Tex said as several passerbys looked over at Barton with confusion.

"If I wanted to watch two people have the same fight over and over," Barton replied, her voice muffled by the sidewalk, "I'd watch a ten hour rock paper scissors compilation."

"Maybe we ain't gonna do that this time."

"Uhuh."

Tex almost jumped when a car horn sounded in the street next to him. He looked over to see that the car first in line at a nearby light hadn't gone yet.

"This is why we need Eugenics!" a man in the car behind shouted out his window.

Tex looked back at Barton to see that she was getting back to her feet with a look of consideration.

"Speaking of Seattle." said Barton. "How do you think Lida's gonna get along here?"

As he bit the inside of his mouth, Tex thought back to when he'd first arrived in the city.

"I didn't think about it." he answered.

"Sounds like you didn't think about a lot of things."

"That stings, coming from you."

With nothing else to say, Barton reluctantly followed Tex back into the train station to return to Lida and Junji. Tex could see that the two of them had started a conversation, although the loud atmosphere meant he could only hear the end of it.

"...easy to overthrow, although I suspect attacking such a large operation might be more difficult." Junji finished.

"You'll do fine." Lida replied. "We'll talk about it tomorrow."

"Very well."

Junji gave them all a wave goodbye before taking off in the direction of his apartment.

Barton's face twisted with thought. Tex found the sight a tad bizarre.

"You know what?" Barton said to Lida, her voice slow. "It's lunchtime, and you've been traveling. Any chance you're hungry?"

"Starving, actually." Lida answered.

"We should all go out. Lida's our guest, and we oughta show her around the city."

"Sure. I'd like that."

"We should try that place down in the junction next to Whole Foods. Flavorgasm, or something."

Tex's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. Flavorgasm was an organic co-op dining establishment that Barton had referred to as "superfluous" and "gay" on numerous other occasions.

"Uh." he stated.

"Great." Barton replied. "I'll drive."

Tex was still suspicious as Barton led them to her car, but it wasn't like he had any better suggestions for where they should eat.

Lida sat in the back with Tex. Her attention was turned out the window the entire drive. Tex was anxious to get her alone, but Barton wasn't acting like she was going to go away any time soon.

Although Tex couldn't understand why.

"Wow." Lida said as two women with candy colored hair and Gothic clothing crossed the street in front of them. "I know what I said about city girls, but I like the way all y'all dress down here."

Tex just hoped that Lida would continue to enjoy the city. That way, at least one of them would.

Flavorgasm was a big enough place to have a parking lot. Barton's jeep stuck out among the sea of hybrids, but at least she hadn't had to parallel park.

"I ain't never seen so many people before." Lida said as they walked up. "You must get to meet a lot of folks living here."

"Only on public buses." Tex replied.

Lida's mouth opened with confusion at Tex's response. Barton led them to the front of the colorful building with a huff of impatience.

A large sign covered most of the door. Tex examined it to see it read A friendly reminder that our establishment is a safe space for all oppressed groups; including women, LGBTQ, racial minorities, and liberals.

"Ugh." Barton groaned as she examined the sign. "Democrats have been going downhill ever since they were taken over by the Sips Tea party."

"This was your idea." Tex replied.

The doors led to a waiting area. The restaurant had an urban design scheme, with a palette of blues and greens and a generous use of polka dot patterns composed of different sized circles. There seemed to be a few open tables, so Tex didn't think they'd have to wait long to be seated.

"So you're here to see Tagawa, are you?" Tex muttered to Lida.

Lida raised an eyebrow in Tex's direction.

"I'm here to do a couple things." she replied.

"Oh?" asked Tex.

"Ain’t decided what yet."

"Well, I only got one question."

"What's that?"

"What the hell is Tagawa?"

Lida's face twisted with confusion. She opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by the appearance of the host.

The host’s eyes flickered over each one of them separately.

"Party of two?" he asked.

"Party of three." Tex replied.

The host tightened his mouth into a line.

"I'm sorry, but we can't seat all three of you together." he told them.

"Huh--what?" Lida asked.

The host pointed to another little sign, this one taped on the inside of the front window. Tex squinted to see that it read no shoes, no shirt, no understanding of the toxicity of relationships between the inherently underprivileged and the privileged, no service.

Tex waved his hand in front of his face to make sure he wasn't having a stroke.

"We have two sections." the host explained. "The safe section, for our guests of higher levels of melanin, and the 'think about what you've done' section. For everyone else."

"I don't understand." said Lida.

"When you pass through these doors, you enter a space of acknowledgement. Part of acknowledging your inner privilege is to understand how dangerous it is to those..."

The waiter trailed off and shot a meaningful glance in the direction of Barton's extremely bored face.

"...less fortunate." he finished.

"Is he talking about veterans?" Lida whispered to Tex.

Tex was unsure how to reply.

"Come with me, little one." the waiter said as he grabbed Barton by the hand and began to lead her towards a room off to the back.

"What the hell's going on?" Lida hissed.

"I'll explain later." Tex muttered in response. "Let's just go get her."

Lida looked confused but followed Tex’s lead. Together, they hid near the bathrooms until the host had returned to the front and made himself busy with another party.

They snuck into the door that the host had pulled Barton into when no one important was looking.

"What the fuck!?" Lida yelped the second the door had closed behind them, all the color gone from her face.

The door had led them into another room, about the same size as the one they'd come from. A long yellow ribbon labeled 'Barrier of Protection' divided Tex and Lida from a dining area that looked exactly like the first. On one side of the space, a few dozen black people dined and mingled amongst themselves, and on the other side stood Barton.

Her arms were crossed over her chest.

Tex turned his attention to the only white person in the room, a woman who was standing behind a small podium to their right in front of the barrier of protection.

"Finished with your meal, huh." she said to them. "Can you give me the name of who you're picking up?"

"Uh..." Tex trailed off.

Barton had declared many times that she would never give a foreign government, social media site, or hippie her real name, so Tex was unsure what to say. He locked eyes with her and shot her a look.

She began to gesture to her chest, and Tex realized she was wearing a paper name tag.

"Adonav Longwood." he told the woman.

Barton pointed and laughed.

"Alright, I'll go grab her." the woman replied.

After asking the black people for their consent for her to enter their domain, the woman grabbed Barton by the hand and led her back to Tex.

"Hello." Barton greeted.

Lida's face was still coated in shock as she turned to the woman by the podium.

"Excuse me?" she asked the woman.

"Hmm?" the woman hummed.

"I know it ain't none of my business, but you shouldn't be treating people like this. People are people, no matter what color they are on the outside."

The woman replied with a confused glance. Tex felt like it was a theme of the day.

Barton grabbed them both by the wrist and led them out of the restaurant before Lida could say anything else.

"Jesus Christ." Lida muttered once they'd left, the politeness gone from her tone. "Conservatives are real wack jobs these days."

Tex refrained from commenting.

Barton was staring at the front wall of the restaurant, where several flyers had been put up to advertise various events and local clubs. Tex followed her eyes to see she was examining a poster for an 'asymmetrical bangs' feminist group, whatever that meant.

A wave of confusion hit him when Barton took the paper off the wall and folded it up in her pocket.

"Did you have fun?" Tex muttered to Barton.

"I liked the part where you talked about your wood." she replied.

Tex was quiet as they returned to Barton's car. Lida seemed to have shaken the events from her mind, which Tex wished he could relate to.

"Shoot, I'm still hungry." said Lida.

"We could head back to my place." Tex offered. "There's a Safeway across the street."

Barton insisted on going with them to Safeway. She was nice enough to drive them, so Tex couldn't complain.

"Whoa." Lida whispered after they’d walked into the store. "What's the elevator go to?"

"Couple things." answered Tex. "There's a DMV, then there's my apartment complex--"

"You live above a Safeway?"

"It's more that Safeway lives under me. We're below ground level."

"Oh..."

Lida ended up wanting to go down every aisle. Tex was helpful and pointed out the spots where discount sales usually happened and where the security cameras couldn't view.

"I got what I wanted." Lida said as she held up a bagel and a box of fruit roll ups.

Barton pointed out the checkout line. As they all made their way over, Tex did his best to catch Barton's eye in a feeble demand for an explanation.

He was denied. Lida put her food on one of the self-checkout machines.

"Howdy!" she said to the self-checkout assistant as she looked up her bagel.

The assistant seemed shaken by Lida's greeting. He was a younger man, so Tex wasn't particularly surprised.

"Oh." he coughed. "Did you need something?"

"Nothing in particular. Though if I did, you'd prolly have it."

"Oh."

"I bet people round here don't even need Amazon, stores being so big."

"Oh."

The self-checkout assistant looked like he might faint. While Lida finished paying, he ran off to the bathrooms and pulled an asthma inhaler out of his pocket.

"I do something wrong?" Lida muttered to Tex as they left.

"No. That's just what folks here are like."

"...Huh."

Knowing Barton had no reason to go into an apartment complex, Tex stopped walking when they passed back by the elevators.

"Welp, I gotta drink a couple shots of liquor and complain about the government." said Tex. "Anybody care to join me?"

"Can I bring my fruit roll ups?" Lida asked.

"Wouldn't want it any other way."

Barton sighed with defeat.

"I gotta dip." she said as she glanced towards the exit door.

"Alright, have a good one." Tex replied.

As Barton left, Tex felt her hand graze his back pocket. By the time he'd realized it probably hadn’t been an accident, she was already out of sight.

Lida pressed the button to call the elevator. While they waited, Tex reached into his back pocket to find a folded-up piece of thick paper that hadn't been there before.

He unfolded it to discover it was the poster for the feminist group Barton had been eyeing. He wasn't sure why Barton had slipped it to him, but he was sure it was nothing good.

"What's that?" Lida asked as she turned away from the elevator.

"I, uh, found it on the ground."

Not wanting to seem suspicious, Tex didn't resist when Lida took the poster from him.

She read it as they stepped into the elevator.

"Hell is an asymmetrical bang feminist?" she wondered.

"Why would I know?"

Lida folded the paper back along its creases and placed it in her own pocket.

"So?" asked Lida.

"So what?"

"You gonna drive me?"

Tex pulled a loose pistachio shell out of his front pocket.

"You wanna join?" he replied as he popped it into his mouth.

"Don't really seem like I'm gonna meet people on the street."

"Uh--"

"It said they get together at three on weekends. I'm meeting with Tagawa for some business talk at one, but you two are friends, right?"

"I still don't know who that is."

Lida turned to Tex with a face of amazement.

"The Japanese guy." Lida answered.

"Junji?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, okay."

"Good. Then we can all go."

Tex flashed back to their earlier experience with the restaurant.

"Uh, I don't think you'd like them." he said as he scratched the back of his head.

Lida scoffed.

"You know," she replied, "I would've thought after living in the city so long you might've gotten over all your--weird ideas."

"Weird ideas, huh?"

"Don't snap at me cause you're afraid of being queer."

"Oh, now you're worried about that."

Lida’s posture stiffened. Tex realized he didn't want to have a fight on day one.

"I'm sorry." said Tex. "I can drive you, if you want."

"Thank you."

Tex's apartment was on the fifth floor. However, the elevator momentarily stopped at the lobby to pick up what was at first just one person, but then three more people and two dogs after Lida stopped the elevator door from closing so that everyone coming into the building could get inside.

Lida examined the dog with a look of delight and turned to say something to its owner.

She stopped herself before any words could come out.

"Cute dogs.” Lida whispered as she and Tex stepped out of the elevator. "Must be nice living in a place that lets you have animals."

"I dunno. About half the people in this building got pets, and at this point I think it's kinda cruel."

"Why do you say that?"

"Apartment's no place for a dog."

Tex unlocked his front door and stepped back so he could let Lida in first.

Lida took a cautious step into the room, and then another. By the time Tex had closed and locked the door, Lida had explored the whole apartment.

"You live here?" Lida asked.

"Uhuh."

"Where's the bedroom?"

"I fold the couch out to sleep."

Tex took a seat on the couch while Lida examined his kitchenette. In their silence, the bass of the music flooding in from the tenant above them mixed with the sound of several dogs barking from various distances.

Tex turned his attention towards the window.

"Sometimes a bird'll fly by." he said slowly. "But usually not."

Lida gave the room another little once over before turning back to Tex.

"How much do you pay for this?" she wondered.

"I pay nothing, cause I got a deal with the owner. Usually it would go for about two grand a month."

"People pay two grand for a room?"

"It's got a bathroom."

Lida let out a tiny scoff. Tex's brow flicked up when she jut out her hip.

"You know." Lida said. "You could live somewhere nicer with a little business on your side."

Tex frowned. He'd known she was going to bring it up, but he'd been hoping it wouldn't be so soon.

The rest of Tex's evening was heated, in more ways than one. All things considered, it was better than being lonely and bored.

He fell asleep faster than he had in awhile.

Lida left in the morning to discuss oligarchic fratricide with Junji. After he'd pulled himself out of bed, Tex jogged across the junction to his parking space so he could keep his promise to Lida about giving her a ride.

He hadn’t talked to Lida about how long or where she’d be staying. He didn’t think too hard about it.

Tex drove back to his apartment building and pulled up in time to catch Lida and Junji mid conversation near the entrance to the parking garage. When Junji noticed the car, he tapped on Lida's shoulder and gestured in Tex's direction. Tex still couldn't hear their conversation as they walked up to the car, but whatever it was, it was making Junji laugh.

He rolled down the window.

"...so inbred that he could play horseshoes with his own arm." Lida finished.

"Ha, yes." Junji replied. "I'm quite thankful my mother decided not to interbreed. The advantages it's given me in the business world have been--"

Tex cleared his throat.

"Oh, sorry Tex." said Lida. "We were talking about inbreeding."

"Sounds like a hoot." Tex muttered.

After Lida and Junji had both gotten in the car, Lida put the address in Google Maps and gave it to Tex. Tex took off before he could think too hard about why being around Lida and Junji at the same time made him uncomfortable.

"Where will we be going?" Junji asked.

"To a prayer meeting." answered Tex.

The address took Tex to a residential part of Seattle near the beach. Tex supposed he'd seen nicer houses, given the nature of his job, but the glass loft was pretty impressive.

Tex wondered what he'd gotten himself into as they walked up to the front.

The front door was open, with only the screen door cutting off the living room from the outside. A poster identical to the one they'd found the day before was taped to the mailbox.

"Oh, I left my phone in the car." Lida said before Tex could knock on the door.

Tex reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys. Lida caught them when he tossed them to her.

"Thanks." she followed.

With Lida gone, Tex was even more uncertain about entering. Junji, however, pushed the screen door open without a second thought.

"Surprised you agreed to this." Tex muttered to Junji.

"I was lonely and bored."

Past the screen door was a neat living room with a couch and a dining table. The decor was clean and extravagant, with silk curtains and a little table that held several miniature bottles of Remy Martin Black Pearl Louis XIII champagne.

The room was empty, although Tex got the feeling there were a few people home.

"Just a minute!" a voice called, confirming his suspicions.

Tex looked in the direction of the voice to see that it had come from a room just down the hall. The door was cracked open, but not enough for Tex to see inside.

Tex looked back to Junji to discover his attention had turned to a painting on the wall.

It was a tall painting with a white background. The only color it had were several streaks of brownish-red over the white. Tex initially assumed it was paint, but halted his assumption when he noticed the title of the painting was My Last Menses.

"How do you feel about this?" Junji asked.

Tex opened his mouth and ran his hand down his face.

"I'm alright with it," he replied, "but only if it were made by some shut-in guy with crazy eyebrows and every week he gets real into a new social cause and he's got grey hair at age seventeen."

"Oh."

"What do you think of it?"

Junji frowned at the painting.

"I don't understand." said Junji.

A new voice cleared her throat. Tex looked over to see a group of women step out of the room with the door that had been cracked open.

There were seven of them, each with a skin tone that matched the color of Orbit White gum. They each had short, asymmetrical bangs, and they arranged themselves from tallest to shortest so that the ends of their bangs created a single diagonal line.

They immediately began to whisper amongst themselves.

"Uh oh." Tex muttered.

"What's wrong?" Junji asked quietly.

"I don't think these people are gonna be very nice to us."

"Alright, I will leave then."

Junji left.

The women stopped talking to each other. One of them shot a confused glance in the direction Junji had gone.

The tallest woman, who appeared to be the leader, wore a shirt that read Fuck Wh*te Feminism and held a long pink staff in her hand. She pointed her staff in Tex's direction and stared him down.

"What brings you here?" she asked in a booming voice.

Tex could now see that the wand was shaped like a phallus. A few buttons on the side implied that it could be turned on.

He put his hands up.

"My...girlfriend wants to join you." answered Tex.

"Where is she?"

"She's getting her phone. Is it alright if I--if I just sit here while all y'all do your meeting?"

Tex resisted the urge to jump as the leader began to walk forward, with her long heels clicking on the floor. She didn’t stop until she was close enough to him to touch.

She gave him a full once over before speaking again.

"If you wish to stay, you must answer our riddles three." she ordered.

"...Alright."

The leader cleared her throat and began to speak again.

"First riddle." she started. "It would be a microinvalidation against a cisgender female for you to imply video games aren't inherently oppressive to which marginalized groups?"

"Uh--um, Mormons?"

Tex usually chose Mormons when he didn't know the answer.

The women began to whisper amongst themselves again. Tex got the feeling that he hadn't answered correctly, but the leader opened her mouth again anyway.

"Riddle two." she continued. "If every white American felt thirteen pounds of white guilt a day, how many years would it take them to make up for slavery?"

"Twenty-four."

"Wrong. Slavery will never be made up for. Riddle three. Would you eat a tampon to make your girlfriend feel better about her period?"

"No. What?"

The leader brought her staff into the air, but before Tex could even wince, a woman in a pink skirt and a shirt that read 'THIS.' stepped forward.

"Wait!" she yelled as she extended her arm.

"What?" the leader replied.

"The treaty requires us to give him a trial."

The leader grit her teeth but lowered her staff. The muscles in Tex's face began to relax, but only slightly.

One of the women clapped her hands, causing the lights to dim. Tex suddenly felt unable to lie.

"Which do you believe to be superior?" the leader asked. "Males or females?"

Tex made sure his hands were still up in the air before he replied.

"Females." he answered.

"What do you believe a woman's purpose is?"

"Raising children."

The women began to murmurer unhappily.

"What do you believe a man's purpose is?" the leader pushed.

"Protecting women and children." Tex replied.

“From what?”

“...Bears, I guess.”

"What if a woman doesn't want to raise children? What if she wants to do something else?"

"That's fine."

The women began to talk amongst themselves again. This time, it was loud enough for Tex to hear.

"I believe he's a separate but equalist." one woman said to another.

"Yes, he's like an Amish man." the other woman replied.

The leader cleared her throat. The women stopped talking.

"Separate but equalists are not on the list of acceptable men." the leader declared as she pointer her staff towards a sheet of paper on the wall, which included and was limited to 'men who understand that women can only define themselves on their own terms by completely rejecting men' and .

"Please let me go." Tex begged. "I'll leave you alone."

The leader brought her pink wand up in an underhanded strike against Tex's balls.

"Ahh!" he yelped.

Tex fell over onto the floor. A wave of nausea hit him as he did his best to position himself into a dignified sitting position.

There was a knock at the front door. It sounded strange, considering it was on a screen.

The women exchanged a few glances with each other. One of them stepped forward to open the door while the leader took a stand next to Tex.

"Hello!" Lida greeted as she stepped into view.

"...Hello.” said the woman who'd let her in.

"Sorry I took so long. My phone got wedged--Oh!"

Lida cut herself off when she noticed Tex was on the floor.

"Are you alright?" she asked him.

"He'll be okay." the leader of the women replied.

"What happened?"

Tex swallowed hard when the leader quickly tapped his hand with the sharp heel of one of her shoes.

"Walked crotch first into the couch by mistake." he answered. "I'll be alright."

"We wanted to give him an ice pack, but we couldn't find one." one of the women added.

"Where's Junji?" asked Lida.

"He had to--go to the bathroom." Tex stammered.

Lida gave Tex another look of concern. One of the women cleared her throat.

"So you want to join our club?" she asked.

"Maybe." Lida replied. "Dunno how long I'll be in town, and I was just wondering what all y'all do in your meetings."

The women began to whisper to each other once more. They only stopped when the leader clunked the end of her staff against the ground.

Lida eyed the staff with confusion.

"We can take you back." the leader announced.

The women began to walk in the direction of the room they'd come from. Lida shot an uncertain glance in Tex's direction.

"I'll just wait here." Tex told Lida. "Need to sit down."

"Oh." she replied.

Lida nodded and followed the women into the room. The second she was out of sight, Tex fell on his side and curled up into a tiny ball.

There was a clunk as the door shut behind them.

"...for having me." said Lida's voice. "Shoot, you got a real nice house."

Tex didn't want to eavesdrop, but unfortunately, there was nothing to block the sound out.

"Thank you." a woman replied.

"What do you usually do for your meetings? Sorry if I'm talking too much, I don't really know how things go around here."

"We usually have discussions." another woman answered. "But we actually brought you back here for a reason."

"Huh?"

"An intervention."

Tex wasn't sure why his nads hadn't stopped hurting yet. He reached deep into his back pocket to see if he had any painkiller, but only found a bullet shell, his lock pick, a quarter cup of pocket sand, two Benadryl tablets, and a miniature bottle of Remy Martin Black Pearl Louis XIII champagne.

He swallowed the Benadryl dry, hoping they would knock him out.

"I don't understand what you mean by that." Lida said.

"You need to get rid of your boyfriend."

"...Excuse me?"

Tex no longer felt bad about eavesdropping.

"He's been brainwashed by western ideologies." the leader explained.

"I mean, I guess that's one way to describe culture." Lida replied.

"The Greeks were our founding philosophers. Plato taught that women were just the reincarnations of past men who had failed their first time around and had to be punished. Aristotle believed that women were deformed."

"Okay."

"Every man in our culture believes this, even if they don't know it."

As insulted as he was, Tex couldn't think of any motivation the women could have had besides genuinely wanting to help Lida.

"Then how could I find a better man, if that's true?" asked Lida.

"You don't. Men can't help but abuse women. It's in their nature."

Tex's eyelids grew heavy. He tightened up into a smaller ball and waited for sleep to take away his pain.

"Here, look at this painting." one of the women said. "It's a visual representation of if you put every baby girl Chinese people killed under their one child rule in a hole in the ground."

"Jesus Christ! Why would you make that?"

"Women have suffered since the dawn of man. And if you don't leave him, you can't say you're not also at fault."

Tex's eyes fell closed.

He wasn't exactly asleep, but he wasn't awake either. He was aware of time passing, and then he was later aware of the sensation that he was being moved.

"Sorry Tex, we gotta leave." he heard Lida say as she dragged him through a door frame.

"I'm okay." Tex slurred.

"Do you need to go to the hospital?"

"No."

"Come on, I'll take you to the hospital."

Tex fell back to sleep. He hadn't been expecting the Benadryl to do such a good job knocking him out.

He woke up a few times over the next hour. The first time, he was in the backseat of his car, and he could hear Junji giving Lida advice on how to drive through a six-way intersection. The second time, he found himself in an emergency room.

Tex just hoped Lida would cover the bill.

The third time he woke up, he was being talked at by a man in scrubs.

"...numbed the area and made a few stitches." the doctor explained. "No permanent damage will be done as long as you wear a jockstrap for a couple of days."

"Okay." Tex heard himself say.

"It's a good thing you came in when you did. You might've lost a testicle if you'd waited longer."

Tex looked around the room to see he was lying on a hospital cot in a single occupant room. He wasn't wearing pants, but he'd been given a blanket to cover himself.

"That sounds nice." he muttered.

"You still seem out of it, so I'll leave a pamphlet with your friends." the doctor replied.

"Okay."

"Oh, and they want to see you. Is it alright if I let them in while I finish the paperwork?"

"Who?"

"Red hair and black hair."

"Okay."

Tex put on his pants under the blanket when the doctor left. He wasn't sure he was going to remember to buy a jockstrap, so he shot a text to Junji before falling asleep yet again.

The last time he half-woke up again, it was to the sound of Lida quietly crying in one of the chairs a few feet away from his cot.

Tex closed his eyes quick. He had no intention of embarrassing her.

"...all them Greeks thought that," he heard Lida sob, "it makes me think that they must've been right."

"I don't understand why you think that." Junji replied, his voice blunt and confused.

"If we all thought women were worse for so long, how could I have any reason to believe we weren't right? If we were wrong, woman should've been able to make it so they weren't treated like that no more."

"I don't understand your reasoning."

"I don't want to be a woman anymore--ore--."

Tex had suspected that Lida's first day in a big city might be unpleasant, but he'd never imagined it could have been that bad.

"You are overthinking this." said Junji. "Here, let me show you."

Tex heard the familiar sound of Junji scribbling on a piece of paper.

"I suspect society's dismissal of women came from the introduction of farming," Junji explained, "as this brought about the need for physical strength and the potential for massive population growth, reducing the female role to one of reproductive function. However, if we invert this assumption..."

Junji continued to scribble.

"Society could've been just as dismissive of men had a different situation been introduced," he continued, "one that dissolved the need for physical strength and population growth."

"What--what situation would that be?"

"I can think of many. For instance, if our entire species existed inside an enclosed cube of a limited volume with no objects to pick up."

Slowly, Lida's sobbing began to taper off and was replaced by a shrill laugh.

"That's the strangest thing I've ever heard." she choked.

"I don't understand."

Lida sighed. Her crying faltered completely after a half minute of silence.

"I feel bad." she whispered.

"Why?" asked Junji.

"He said I wasn't gonna like it. I don't want to tell him he was right."

"I don't understand why you feel that way."

"You don't seem to understand a lot of things."

Tex waited until Lida had stopped crying and the doctor had come back before pretending to wake up. As they walked back to his car, he turned his eyes away when Lida pulled out a make-up mirror and covered her face in powder.

"Are you sure you'd like to drive?" Junji asked after Tex had walked over to the driver's side window.

"I'm feeling a lot better." Tex replied. "Ain't planning on crashing into anything."

"Will you be coming to Tala’s meeting?"

"Sure. Let me drop Lida off first."

"Oh. I will run there, in that case."

Junji broke off into a sprint before Tex could even think about offering him a ride. Almost in a trance, he watched Junji's body get smaller and smaller until it was nearly out of sight.

Lida cleared her throat. Tex unlocked the car.

"Sorry about your penis." she said while they buckled up.

"...I'll live." Tex replied.

"Don't worry about the bill. I make good money."

"Thank you."

Wanting to wake himself up all the way, Tex rolled the window down a crack as they waited at a light.

"You know, you can tell me if you're hurting." said Lida.

Tex was unsure why Lida would have considered him doing such a thing to be acceptable, but he grunted in contemplation anyway.

"Wish you would’ve said something." she followed. "I could've gotten out of there faster."

"You didn't like it?"

"I didn't realize how--extreme it was gonna be."

Tex felt a rush of relief that Lida had decided not to lie to him. Not only that, but he hadn’t heard such a relatable statement in a long time.

"It's alright." he replied. "No way you could've known."

After shooting him a quick glare, Lida made a noise that let Tex know he'd said something wrong.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked.

"You don't live here. You didn't know what people here are like."

Tex wasn't sure how his words managed to make Lida more upset, but they did.

"I don't know why I thought you'd suddenly be able to respect me." Lida scoffed, causing Tex to choke on his next breath.

"Hell's that supposed to mean? How could you possibly get that outta what I just said?"

Lida was quiet for the remainder of the trip. She didn't even look particularly angry, more exhausted. She was still sullen when Tex dropped her off in front of his apartment, leaving Tex in a bad mood for his drive to work.

He used the elevator to get up to his floor.

Barton and Tala were both sitting at the table when he opened the door. Tex took a seat on the couch to avoid further injury.

"Where's Junji?" he asked.

"He said he was buying you a jockstrap." Tala answered without looking up from the screen of her laptop.

"...What? Why?"

"He said you texted him too."

Tex pulled out his phone and read his most recent texts with Junji.

To King Spoodge

;junbles

To King Spoodge

my pe nis

To King Spoodge

i need the penus strap or else my

To King Spoodge

junple please ill pay you bakc

From King Spoodge

I didn't see this until now.

From King Spoodge

I will honor your request.

The tonal whiplash Tex experienced from reading the messages was a little overwhelming.

"Heard you had to get nut stitches." said Barton.

"I'm alright." Tex replied.

"What happened?"

Tex readjusted his weight.

“Lida joined a feminist group." he answered. "They didn't like me."

Barton made a tiny noise of amusement. Tex flashed back to when she'd planted the poster on him in the first place.

“What kind of feminists?” Tala wondered.

“I dunno." Tex replied. "The kind with the bangs.”

Tala winced.

"Probably fifth wave." she said.

"And go figure.” Barton announced. “Feminism's been a trash pile since third-and-a-half wave."

"That's what people said about third wave, you know. And second wave."

"That doesn't make me wrong."

"No, but it doesn't make you right."

Barton scoffed but didn't look too offended.

"And it doesn't make you controversial, either." Tala followed. "Everyone agrees with that."

Barton scoffed and looked extremely offended.

"Everybody loves feminism." she told Tala. "I had to see some ad on YouTube this morning of this guy with a tampon string hanging out of his underwear."

“What was the ad for?” asked Tala.

“Fancy Feast.”

“Guess it worked.”

Barton pursed her lips.

“Press is press.” Tala continued. “Point is, everyone hates feminists. Even feminists.”

"What?" Tex choked.

"Feminists hate feminists for making feminists look bad."

Tex's face screwed itself in confusion. Tala sighed.

"Okay." she started. "What you need to understand is there's not just one type of feminism. It's actually a couple of subgroups."

Tala clicked a few things on the screen of her laptop and motioned for Tex to join her at the table.

"Don't worry, it's not complicated." she said as she turned her screen towards Tex.

Tex had been lied to.

"You're dismissing both TERFs and anti-TERFs?" Barton asked.

"I don't give a fuck!" Tala shouted as she flipped over the table.

Barton caught the table before it fell, saving Tala's laptop in the process. The confusion of why a feminist group would name themselves after plastic grass was second to the confusion Tex began to feel when Tala pulled up another picture that looked even more complicated.

Tex took a seat next to Tala and rested his chin in his hand.

"What we should do to avoid semantic confusion is to make a chart like this." followed Tala.

"Asymmetric bangs are over here, in the A5 square. So from now on, we can refer to the weird bang feminists as A5 feminists."

To Tex's infinite thanks, Tala closed the screen of her laptop once she'd finished talking

"What did she think of the group?" Barton asked.

"She didn't like it." Tex answered. "Said all their talk about people hating women made her feel like they had a reason to."

Tala looked over at Tex like she hadn't understood his response.

"What?" Tex wondered.

"That's a strange way to react to that." Tala replied.

"I don't think so." said Barton.

"You don't?"

"No. That's how I would've reacted if I was able to care about anything."

Tala's eyes squinted with concentration. Whatever she was pondering, she was doing it intently enough to capture Tex's attention.

"Tex, how did you react to it?" Tala asked.

"I dunno.” he replied. “Made me kinda guilty."

Tala took out her phone. When Tex's phone buzzed, he pulled it out to see that Tala had made a poll in the group chat, asking would increased media coverage of a certain group's lack of representation in fields which were considered to be valiant make you assume that the fault lied with the group, or with society as a whole?

It took a few minutes for everyone to respond.

"Luke and Caverly both say the group, Sean and Bianca said society." Tala read. "Junji said the question was too vague."

Tala took another look at her phone. Tex was unsure what she was trying to do.

"How do Luke and Caverly feel about affirmative action?" Tala asked Tex.

"They're against." he answered.

"What about Bianca?"

"For."

Tala counted for a moment on her fingers before opening her mouth back up.

"Okay." said Tala. "So everyone who's for affirmative action said society and everyone who's against said the group with a remainder of Tex."

"Good luck applying that to the population." Barton replied.

There was a knock at the door. When Junji entered the room, Tex prayed to god that they’d be changing the subject.

Thankfully, Tala pulled the Pain Finder Thing out of her bag and didn’t open her laptop back up. For the first time, Tex remembered why they had agreed to meet in the first place.

"Hello." Junji said as he sat down at the table across from Tex. "Did I miss anything?"

Junji was carrying a small plastic bag from Target.

"No." Tex lied. “Just talking about the new dot.”

"There was a red dot, but it disappeared." Tala explained.

"Where was it?" asked Barton.

"Japan."

What little emotion there was on Junji's face fell off.

"I would prefer not to go to Japan." he said.

"We'll keep an eye on the dot." Tex replied. "If it don’t end up being a fluke, we'll figure something out."

"Thank you."

Tex stayed at the table as the meeting wrapped up. Tala and Barton left, but Junji stayed put.

"Something up?" Tex asked once the room was empty.

"Here is your penis strap." Junji replied.

“...Oh yeah, that.”

Junji held out the Target bag. Tex took it with a slight wince.

"How much was it?" Tex wondered.

"Twenty dollars."

Tex reached into his pocket to get Junji's money. As his fingers brushed passed the plastic from the Benadryl he'd taken, Tex's mind wandered back to the baffling events of his day.

"Hey, uh." he stumbled. "You remember when I was asleep in the cot? And you two were in my room."

"At the hospital? Yes."

"I was actually about half awake. I heard the argument you made to Lida."

"Oh. Yes. She was upset after the prayer meeting."

Tex refrained from commenting.

"I was not surprised." followed Junji.

"I just--I don't think you should make that argument." Tex stammered.

"What argument?"

"It seemed real dismissive. Blaming everything on circumstance."

"Everything is circumstance."

"Do you never get embarrassed?"

"Embarrassed about what?"

"We all thought women were stupid for a million years. And treated them like property.”

Junji looked at Tex like he'd said the stupidest thing anyone had ever said.

“Shouldn't we be embarrassed that we--didn't notice that was a bad thing?" followed Tex.

"No. I have never treated anyone as my property, and neither have you."

"But I could've. If I'd been--born back then."

"If we're truly considering that stretch, you would have just as likely been born a woman."

Tex still felt like Junji was making the same argument.

"I don't think you should say that." Tex said.

"I don't understand why you feel that way."

Tex groaned.

"Hmm?" Junji hummed.

"I'm sorry. I can't talk about feminism anymore. I see one more chart about--ladies with sideways bangs, I'm gonna have to lie down."

Junji made the face he always made when Tex had said something he didn't understand.

“What is feminism?” asked Junji.

"Hell if I know."