From Gamer Gril

can we have a meeting today?

Tex looked at the clock on his phone to see that it was seven in the afternoon. After turning his attention away from the task of cleaning his gun, he typed out his response.

To Garbage Band

for what?

From Gamer Gril

i have good news and bad news

To Garbage Band

whats the bad news

From Supreme Jackass

no i wanna hear the good news first

Big Penised Cowboy has created a poll

Spoodge King has voted in Big Penised Cowboy's poll for bad news first

Gamer Gril has changed Big Penised Cowboy's name to Big Penised Cowfucker

To Garbage Band

i ain't fucked no cows

From Gamer Gril

it was better than the alternative

Supreme Jackass has created a new poll option: drone strike California

Supreme Jackass has voted in Big Penised Cowfucker's poll for drone strike California

From Gamer Gril

i cant tell you the bad news until you know the good news

From Gamer Gril

does nine work

They ended up agreeing on nine. Which was good, because it meant that Tex didn't have too much time on his hands to think before getting to work.

Tala was sitting at the table with her laptop when he got inside. Tex microwaved a burrito while they waited for Barton and Junji to show up.

"Hey." Tex greeted as he took a seat across from Tala.

"Hello." Tala replied.

"Did the dot in Colorado get cleared up?"

"Yup. Kenny did his job, one way or another."

"That's good."

Tex had a few more questions, but Junji and Barton both walked in, about twenty seconds out of sync from one another. They both sat down on either side of Tex.

"Well, the good news is that the Pain Finder Thing has shown us our next job." Tala started as Barton took a bite out of Tex's burrito when he wasn't looking.

"Is that good news?" Junji wondered.

"What's the bad news?" asked Tex.

"You remember how last time we had to deal with an apartment complex?" Tala replied.

"Yeah."

"We have another apartment complex."

Tex sighed and rubbed his temples. It felt unfair that two of the three apartment complexes he'd run into in his five years of working for the mercy killing business had been back to back.

"...Also it's in Hong Kong." Tala followed.

Tex couldn't believe it.

"Show me." he ordered.

"Right here." Tala replied as she clicked into a new tab on her laptop.

The screen showed a Google Earth shot of a massive apartment building. There were so many rooms stacked on top of each other that it almost looked like a hive.

"God, it's like SeattleSeattle." Tex muttered.

"If every human on Earth lived as tightly packed as they do in Hong Kong, we could easily fit into Alaska." said Junji.

"Thanks for the fun fact, pardner."

Even if they could find an easy way to get into the building, it likely wouldn't be any help. Tex had never been at such a loss for tracking someone down before.

"Any ideas?" he asked. "I'll take anything."

"I have an idea." Tala replied.

"What's your idea?"

"We could clone ourselves."

"No."

"But we'd put ourselves in bodies that didn't look like us."

"Hell no."

"And then we could threaten the landlord into giving us information on every tenant and let us search the rooms until we found our guy."

"We're not doing this."

"Then our clones destroy the program and kill the guy, and they get arrested instead of us."

"Would our clones be willing to do that?" asked Barton.

"I believe mine would." Junji replied. "Alternatively, I could go."

"Great!" Tala said. "I'm going to look up who the landlord is."

"Y'all ain't really about to humor this, are you?" Tex asked as Tala pulled up the apartment complex's website.

"Do you have a better idea?"

Tex did not have a better idea.

"Landlord's name is Feng Xiulan." Tala read after she'd translated the page to English. "Open ten to five. How much does cloning cost?"

"Wait." Junji said as he lifted his finger. "Wait."

"What?"

"Did you say Feng Xiulan?"

"Uhuh."

Junji let out a short laugh and muttered something in Japanese. Tex got the feeling it was celebratory.

"What?" asked Tala. "Do you know her?"

"Feng Xiulan is a massive king pin." Junji answered. "And she has quite a reputation for disloyalty, which is good for us."

"Why is that good for us?"

"We can bribe her."

Tex frowned in thought. He didn't have a lot of money to toss around, but he supposed it was a lot better than Tala's terrible idea.

"The name Xiulan sounds familiar." Barton said.

"Yes, her family has been in power for a while." Junji explained. "It was the surname of both her parents."

"That's--interesting." Tex stammered.

"She might not even speak English." said Tala.

"Ying speaks Mandarin and Cantonese." Junji replied.

"Who's Ying?"

"Kwan Ying."

"What about her?"

"Junji's besties with Ying Kwan." Tex cut in.

"Makes sense." Barton nodded.

"When could Ying come?" Tala asked.

"Ying visits me every Wednesday." answered Junji. "I will call her now and ask if we can do this instead."

Junji stepped out into the hall to make his call. Tex turned his attention back to Tala, who was clicking the 'make appointment' button next to Feng Xuilan's name.

"Reason for visit." Tala read. "Business?"

"Put it in quotation marks." Barton suggested.

"I'll just put crime."

Tala's keyboard clacked as she wrote 'crime' in the little box.

"What time were we planning on doing this?" she asked once she'd finished.

Tex turned on his phone and looked up the local time in Hong Kong. He turned it back off when Junji had returned to the room.

"Can she do it?" Barton asked Junji.

"Yes." answered Junji. "She can do it tomorrow, in fact. She considers it a high priority."

"It's a six hour flight, and they're sixteen hours ahead." Tex said. "We could make it at noon easy on Monday over there if we left at eight or nine tomorrow morning."

"I can book us four seats for a flight that leaves at eight fifteen tomorrow." Barton replied.

"Can you get--"

"Yeah, I can get them next to each other."

'Yay!' Tex thought.

Tala finished making their appointment and was informed by her laptop that her booking for noon on Monday had been successful.

At best, they would be getting seven hours of sleep. Tex chose to spend the night at the office with everyone else.

He hadn't gotten as much rest as he'd wanted by the time they'd caught their cab to the airport, but at least his sleepiness ended up making the TSA more tolerable.

Still, the plane ride proved itself a little wearing. Tex passed the time by swapping heartwarming stories with Junji about their families.

"...story short, he slapped my great grandma around so bad that one day her brothers rounded up and beat the shit out of him." Tex continued. "Then they made him live in a chicken coop, and he drank himself to death by the time I was seven."

"Oh." Junji replied. "And your family was Irish?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

Junji was seated at the window of the plane, and Tex had taken the middle. Tala was asleep on Tex's other side. Hypothetically, two of them could have sat in one of the three first class seats that Barton had bought, but she'd claimed she wanted to 'put her feet up'.

Ying was meeting them there.

"Hey." Tex said as he tapped Junji's elbow with his own. "It's your turn."

Junji's face twisted with anxiety.

"You don't gotta talk about it if it's sore." Tex quickly followed when he remembered that Junji had left his family.

"No, it's not that. I just have a hard time making random selections."

As he continued to think, Junji's gaze started to dart between Tex and his tray table. Tex raised an eyebrow when Junji started to snicker.

"Have I ever told you that you remind me of my father?" Junji asked.

"No, and you shouldn't."

"Why would that bother you?"

The answer to Junji's question was so obvious that Tex couldn't manage to explain it.

"How am I like him?" Tex wondered.

"He was very non-traditional."

"I don't strike you as traditional?"

"You would not be if you were a Japanese businessman."

Tex was unable to argue.

"He wasn't fond of the Yakuza." followed Junji.

"You're kidding. Your old man?"

"I'm not kidding."

"And he was a mob boss?"

"He compartmentalized."

The corners of Junji's mouth were soft as he spoke.

"He only became involved in politics for my mother." he continued. "Every second he didn't spend working or with me he wasted trying to talk her into bed with him."

"Your folks had a sexless marriage?"

"My parents had a political marriage. My mother was never able to explain this to my father, despite her many attempts."

Tex quickly exhaled in amusement.

"They did not communicate well." Junji finished.

"Yeah, I didn't when I was married, neither. Though I don't think there's a single wife I could've gotten that I could've understood."

"Why is that?"

"If there's three things in the world I ain't good at, it's horseshoeing, knowing when to stop gambling on horseshoeing, and understanding women."

Junji gagged.

"What?" asked Tex.

"Yes, men and women, so different. One is from Jupiter, the other is from Myanus."

Junji's voice was thick with irritation, which Tex was secretly glad to hear. The more exasperated Junji was, the more entertaining his arguments tended to be.

"Sounds like you got something to say." Tex replied as he tried to hide his smile.

"Give me a moment."

Junji quickly put together a sign with a pen, piece of tape, and the airplane menu he'd been given. He then stuck the sign to his tray table, turned it vertically so it functioned as a divider, and stole Tex's plastic cup of sprite.

Tex could now see that the sign had been captioned 'NO BOYS ALLOWED'.

"Really?" Tex asked in amazement. "You're doing this?"

"I repent! With your elongated phallus, a symbol of our natures; alien to each other, how will I ever hope to understand something so different from I? You might as well be a conglomeration of tentacles and decorative dish soaps--"

"Gimme my sprite back."

"No! You're not 'apposed to come back here!"

"I'm not gonna--"

Tex cut himself off as a water balloon soared over the divider and crashed next to his feet.

"How'd you get that on an airplane?" he wondered.

"Get away from my fort!"

A woman cleared her throat. Tex looked over to see the stewardess.

Junji immediately turned all his attention to the window.

"Is everything alright?" the stewardess asked.

"Yeah." Tex answered. "Just, um, a political demonstration."

"That's fine, but please don't throw water balloons."

Junji's arms were crossed over his chest as the stewardess left. Tex put Junji's tray table down and grabbed his sprite.

"Why do this rile you up so much, anyway?" asked Tex.

Junji let out a tiny sigh and uncrossed his arms.

"I have been to many countries." he started. "I've seen many cultures. And I have watched and suffered silently as they all separate boys from girls and wonder why they can't communicate as adults."

Tex had long since learned that he and Junji disagreed quite a bit on what was nature and what was nurture, with Junji having all the wrong opinions.

"Uhuh." Tex mused.

Junji clicked his tongue and picked up his complimentary butter mint from the floor.

"I have randomly selected this object." Junji said as he handed Tex the mint. "Examine it."

"Alright." Tex replied.

"Tell me. Which do you share more in common with? This mint, which we will assume is the most average object, or a human female?"

"A human--female."

"Interesting. In fact, can you think of anything that you share more in common with than a human female?"

"Male chimp?"

"Yes, a scrunchy faced, dirt-coated creature that eats dead leaves and slam dunks unsatisfactory infants into the trash. Perhaps you two can bond over Punked."

Tex did his best to cover his mouth with the back of his hand when he started to laugh.

"What are you smiling about?" Junji followed.

"I like watching you try to convince me of things that I'm never gonna give on."

Junji tossed his hand to the side.

"Your world views are ignorant and poor." he replied. "We are humans. Not--ants."

"And you can be a big boy about it."

Out of what Tex suspected was pure spite, Junji folded his hands in his lap and fell into a meditative state, leaving Tex with no one to talk to for the remainder of the flight.

When they'd gotten out of the airport, Tex realized that he was the only one who hadn't gotten any rest on the plane. He did manage to get some sleep on the train, although the ride only took about five minutes.

"Where are we going now?" Tala asked as they got off the train.

Junji pulled out his phone.

"Ying wants us to meet her at the gift shop." he replied.

Tex did a quick survey of his surroundings. He couldn't see the gift shop anywhere. He did, however, spot a balding, heavy-set Asian man with a reflective jacket and a name tag standing between them and the railway.

Junji walked over and got his attention.

"Hello." Junji greeted. "Could you tell us where the gift shop is?"

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a slip of paper and a pen. He used his left palm as a writing surface when he started to draw.

"We are here." the man said to Junji as he gestured to a spot in his drawing. "Gift shop is over there."

"Thank you." Junji bowed.

"You are welcome."

The train worker reached to give Junji the map, but a tiny breeze swept the paper away before it could reach Junji's finger tips. Thankfully, it hit the back of Barton's head.

"Huh, what's going on?" Barton asked as her eyes snapped open.

Barton easily grabbed the paper from her head and held it outright.

"What is this?" she asked Tex.

"A map." Tex replied as he gestured his thumb in the direction of Junji and the train worker. "Give it to Junji."

Barton stepped forward towards the pair. Her eyes darted between Junji and the worker in deep concentration for about ten seconds before she gestured for Tex's help.

"Which one's Junji?" she whispered to him.

"Jesus Christ."

When they did get to the gift shop, Ying was standing outside the door waiting for them with a small backpack and a medical mask over her mouth.

"Hello." she greeted. "Do we know where we're going?"

Tala showed Ying the address. Ying looked up the bus route on her phone and took the lead. Tex was at first wary of letting Ying turn her phone on for their illegal business, but he then noticed she'd covered the microphone and cameras in some sort of foam.

Although it was barely even six in the morning for the locals, Tex still managed to see more people walking along the streets then he usually did in a whole day. The five of them got a few looks, but at least no one tried to burn them.

Tex walked just a little faster so he could catch up with Ying.

"Hey." he greeted.

"Hello." she replied.

"Almost didn't recognize you with clothes on."

"Oh."

"Thanks for meeting us at the station. You come in from somewhere?"

"Jiangzi."

Tex blinked.

"China." Ying followed.

"What were you doing over there?"

"It's where I live."

"Oh, that's why you speak Chinese, then."

Ying let out a tiny sigh.

"My name is Ying." she said slowly. "Japanese names rarely end in 'ing'."

"...I'll leave you alone."

"Alright, I will speak with you later."

Tex slowed his pace down in defeat and settled back beside Junji.

"Ying comes all the way from China every week to visit you?" he asked.

"She has a private jet." Junji replied.

"Where'd she get it?"

"She's an extremely successful author. She bought it."

The double-decker bus they caught took them about a block away from Feng's office, and they managed the rest on foot. For once, Junji didn't suggest they jog.

Feng had responded to their "business" request for a meeting with instructions on how to get to her office, which could be accessed by hitting every button on the elevator but twenty and four. The elevator began to descend until it was underneath both the lobby and the parking lots after they'd punched in the right buttons.

The elevator doors opened into a small room. Tex stepped inside.

The office was sleek but plain, with just a desk, some shelves and a water cooler. The only decoration was a large painting of fruit behind the desk.

A woman who Tex assumed to be Feng was between the desk and the painting.

"Nǐ hǎo." she greeted.

Feng was older than Tex was expecting, simply because she was older than someone he would have expected to still be alive. Her face was so deep with wrinkles that she gave the appearance of a creature George Lucas might have added to Star Wars post its initial release. At first, Tex thought that Feng was sitting down, but then he realized she was just very short.

A guard stood on either side of her.

"Uh, howdy." Tex replied.

Before Tex could say anything else, Ying stepped forward and spoke a line of Mandarin to Feng. Feng hummed with understanding.

A moment later, Feng clicked her fingers and said something Tex couldn't decipher. Immediately, the guard on the right grabbed a wooden slab from Feng's desk and held it outright for the five of them.

The wooden slab was decked out in six or seven lines of white. Feng gestured for Ying to stand next to her and gave her a message.

"She welcomes you with a gift of fine cocaine." Ying explained.

Tex caught Barton's arm before she could move forward.

"Barton, don't snort that." he scolded.

"Okay." Barton replied as she snorted a line of coke.

The slab of wood was returned to Feng. Barton wiped her nose.

"Nǐ xiǎng yào shénme?" Feng asked.

"She wants to know how she can help you." said Ying.

"There's somebody living in this apartment complex that we wanna have a little talk with." Tex explained. "And by that, I mean we need to search his room and put a bullet in his head."

"Or her." Tala added.

"I'll eat my shoe if it's a woman."

Ying relayed the message to Feng. After waiting for Feng to reply, Ying opened her mouth.

"She wants to know who you need killed." she cited.

"Well, uh." Tex replied as he scratched the back of his head. "We don't actually know."

"We're looking for someone who owns a large computer." said Tala. "Probably a shut-in."

After what seemed to be a short moment of deep thought on her part, Feng pressed a button on her desk. There was a whirring sound as the fruit painting behind her swung open on hinges to reveal a giant screen.

Tex examined the screen to see that it was composed of hundreds of smaller screens, each overseeing a tiny bedroom. Tex could see people in some of the rooms, although he quickly turned his eyes away.

The bottom of the screen was labeled Amazon Peep Holes.

"That is--" Tex stammered. "That's disgusting."

"Do you want me to tell her that?" Ying asked.

"Hell no."

There were three rooms with computers that looked massive enough to tetragram. Tex pointed out the windows for Feng.

"She wants to know what the person you're looking for is doing on their computer." Ying continued.

"Ask her if she knows what tetragramming is." Tex replied.

Ying nodded.

"Nǐ tīng shuōguò 'tetragramming' ma?" she asked Feng.

Feng didn't look like she had. Ying launched into what was clearly an explanation.

Once Ying had finished, Feng's face twisted with disgust.

"為什麼要這麼做?" she asked.

"社會失靈." answered Ying.

"Did they just talk in characters?" Tex whispered to Tala.

"Yeah, and it's probably for the best." she replied. "You ever try putting Chinese in Google Translate without the characters? It thinks it's Vietnamese."

Ying and Feng continued to talk, with Feng pausing a few times to gesture at some of the screens.

"What did she say?" Tex asked Ying when they were done talking.

"She says it's probably this one on the bottom." Ying replied as she gestured to a screen on the lowest row, near the right. "She says that this one's not enough of a shut in to do something like that, and the other one just uses his rig for VR intercourse with his long distance girlfriend."

Tex stared into the first room that Ying had pointed out. He could see that no one was home and the monitor was dark, although the computer itself glowed a faint blue.

"Can I see the Pain Finder Thing?" he asked Tala.

"Sure." she replied as she fished it from her bag.

Tex examined the screen of the pain radar to see that the red dot was still there. When he considered the fact that the computer in the room on the bottom was the only one that was on, he was pretty confident that Feng's assessment had been correct.

"What's the room number?" Tex asked.

"Room five three seven." Feng answered. "When?"

"As soon as possible. Do we got a deal?"

When Feng gave her response, it took her a long time. Ying listened carefully.

"She says she'd be willing to give you access to the room and hide the murder from the police if you help her with one of her three chores for the day." Ying said once Feng had finished.

"What're the chores?" asked Tex.

"The first is killing one of her political enemies."

"What's the second?"

"The second is killing a different political enemy."

"And the third?"

"The third is getting rid of the ant hills that have infested the patio of her building."

As Tex gawked at the question, Junji reached into his backpack and pulled out a large blue thermos with a yellow sticker on the lid. He stepped closer to Feng's desk and put a hand on Ying's shoulder.

The three of them quickly struck up a quiet conversation. Tex felt a strong desire to question it, although he turned to Barton and Tala instead of getting a closer look.

"Let's do the ant one." he said to them.

"Pussy." Barton replied.

"Man, you really get antsy when you ain't tasted foreign blood in twelve seconds."

Barton shot Tex a look. In the corner of his eye, Tex could make out Junji opening his thermos and trading Feng some of the contents for a few sheets of paper.

"I don't wanna kill people." Tex followed.

"I mean..." Tala trailed off with a wince.

"What?"

"...easiest to start in North America." Junji whispered to Ying and Feng. "And..."

"Two people are going to die whether or not we kill them." Tala replied. "Just saying."

"So what do you think we should do?" asked Tex.

"...Arkansas? Do you..."

"We should do whatever's easiest."

"Alright. So we'll do ants."

Junji made his way back over. He slipped the papers he'd been given into his backpack.

"What did we decide on?" he asked once he'd rejoined the group.

"Ants." Tex answered.

"Good. That will be easiest."

After they'd closed the deal, Feng called over Ying and placed a pen in her hand. Tex waited in awkward silence as Ying scribbled Feng's instructions on a blank sheet of paper.

"You know, Barton." Tex muttered. "You don't seem all that different on coke."

"There's a reason for that." Barton replied.

When Ying returned to them, about five minutes later, Tex was handed the paper of instructions.

"Agree?" asked Feng.

Tex quickly read the paper. Besides the building codes and location of the patio, it also included the deadline that Feng wanted the ants cleared out by; eight pm.

"She says she'll give you the key and shut off the cameras after you finish with the ants." Ying said.

"Sounds fine." Tex replied.

Ying relayed Tex's answer to Feng. After pausing for a moment to write something down in a tiny book, Feng asked Ying a question in Mandarin.

"One more thing." Ying announced after Feng had finished with her question.

"What?" Tex replied.

"She wants to have sex with you."

Tex looked over at Ying in horror to see that her finger was pointed at him.

"...What?" he asked.

"She says she'll pay you twenty thousand American dollars to have sex with her."

All the color drained from Tex's face. He looked over at Feng to see if she was joking.

She waved.

"Uh, no thanks." Tex said.

Barton, Tala, and Junji all yelped in unison.

"What?" Junji asked. "Why would you not?"

"Tex, you're a dumbass." said Tala. "Do it."

"Come on." Tex replied. "I got some self-respect."

"It's twenty thousand dollars."

"And mama told me my dignity is priceless."

"If you don't do this, my opinion of you will plummet at a constant rate and continue to plummet until I hate you so much I'm forced to kill either you or myself." Barton announced.

Tex let out a short grunt of irritation.

"I ain't doing it, and that's final." he said. "Now, if everyone wouldn't mind stepping out for a minute, I want to have a private moment with Feng to talk about what is and what isn't alright to ask people."

"...What?" Tala replied.

"Get out."

Junji, Barton, and Tala all mumbled in confusion to each other as they left the room and shut the door behind them.

Thankfully, Ying was smart enough to stay.

"Can I wear a condom?" asked Tex.

Ying and Tex left Feng's office about a half hour later. Tex brought a paper cup filled with water from the water cooler with him, but it did little to make him feel better.

It was a short walk to the patio, yet Tex still found time to be uncomfortable.

"Thanks for turning your head the other way." he said to Ying.

"I did not want to watch." she replied.

They got to the building's tiny patio to see that everyone was already there.

The patio was about twice the size of Tex's studio apartment. It was lined by a fence on every side that wasn't attached to the building. The only things of interest were a small picnic table with some chairs, a few potted plants, and three ant hills that all seemed to be at war with each other.

Tex placed his water cup on the table.

"How'd it go?" Tala wondered.

"You guys talk about politics?" asked Barton.

"She wanted my opinion on interior decorating." Tex recited.

Junji cleared his throat. Tex looked over to see he was on his phone.

"The ants." said Junji. "What should we do?"

"We'll hire an exterminator." Barton replied.

"Do we really gotta kill the ants?" Tex asked.

With a tiny scoff, Barton rolled her eyes.

"Oh, come on." Tex continued. "Three ant hills, that's prolly worth like two and a half chihuahuas."

"Or one normal dog." Tala added.

Barton crossed her arms over her chest.

"But really, I'm kinda with Barton on this one." followed Tala.

"How bout this." Tex replied. "Would y'all still think it was alright if a giant came down and--"

"--smashed the earth so it would stop blocking his way even though he could have easily gone around." Barton finished. "No, it wouldn't be alright. But we aren't the ones getting smashed."

Junji poked himself in the chin.

"Could we relocate the ants?" he asked.

"Oh, why do you care?" Barton replied.

"I like ants."

"What, to eat?"

Junji said nothing. Barton rubbed her forehead.

"I don't care what we do, as long as we're done by eight." she muttered.

"I know of a robot that might be able to help you." said Ying.

Tex looked over at Ying in surprise.

"I used to work with roboticists." Ying continued. "I've seen an ant robot that I believe we could use to relocate the ants."

Although Tex wasn't sure how an ant robot would be able to relocate ants, the look on Junji's face implied at least one of them understood.

"Are you talking about the Formicidae Micro-drone?" asked Tala.

"Yes." Ying replied.

"Perfect, it's only seven dollars on Amazon."

"We're not using Amazon." Tex cut in. "We're using eBay."

Barton cleared her throat. When Tex looked over, she tapped her wrist.

"Does eBay have drone delivery?" Tex asked Tala.

"No," Tala answered, "but we could buy a drone and the robot from the same person and have them fly it over."

They ended up using Amazon.

It took about an hour for their package to float down to their exact location. To kill time, they played Uno on the little patio table and kept their feet up so the ants wouldn't bite.

Ying didn't join them.

"Will you tell me what you did in there?" Junji asked Tex as they cleaned up. "With Xuilan."

"What I did in there?" Tex replied as he resisted the urge to fan his face. "What did you do in there?"

"What do you mean?"

"You gave her money."

"Oh."

Junji looked over his shoulder at his backpack.

"She did a few things for me." he started. "For one, she gave me information on what will be increasing and what will be decreasing in the stock market next month."

"That sounds like insider trading."

"Yes, it is insider trading."

Tex's attention was turned away from his conversation as Tala finished cutting the tape off the box they'd received. She opened the box to find a smaller box, which she then opened to uncover an even smaller one.

Inside the smallest box was a wad of bubble wrap. Tala carefully unraveled it to reveal a tiny robot.

It was jet black and both the size and shape of a large ant. When Tex squinted at it, he saw that it was quite generic looking.

"Can we name her?" asked Tala.

"How about Anita?" Barton replied.

"Where's Anita's controller?" asked Junji.

"Owww." Tex said as a controller-sized box hit him in the head.

Junji insisted on being the one to control Anita. After taking a glance at the novella of an instructions manual, Tex decided not to complain.

They played another half hour of Uno while Junji patiently made his way through the instructions, one line at a time. Tala continued to deal Junji in and played for him.

"Are we ready?" Junji asked as he put the instruction manual neatly back in the box and picked up the controller.

Anita had been fitted with a tiny front facing camera. While Junji placed Anita on top of the largest ant hill, Tala used an app to connect her phone screen to the camera so Junji could see what Anita was seeing.

Junji fiddled with a few buttons on the remote, and Anita began to dig her way into the ant hill. Tex settled next to Tala so he could see too.

The ant world was foreign and jagged, filled with grains of dirt the size of boulders and more close-ups of ant faces than Tex had ever wanted to see. Anita scurried over everything from adult ants to larva capsules as she made her way down the labyrinth of a tunnel.

After about two minutes of searching, Junji found a large cavern near the bottom of the nest that housed a massive ant who was clearly the queen.

Before Anita could get too close to the queen, the queen turned on her heels and sprayed Anita down with some sort of mist. Worker ants immediately began to rush into the cavern and attack Anita. Junji did his best to continue forward, but gave up and retreated after an ant managed to tear off one of Anita's legs.

"I've made a mistake." Junji said as Anita ran from the hive.

Junji carefully picked up Anita with the tweezers once she'd resurfaced. Tex followed with the others as Junji walked over to the smallest ant hill, just on the other side of the picnic table.

"I will try again." followed Junji.

The new queen that Junji found also sprayed Anita with a mist. The worker ants began to run for Anita, but instead of attacking her, they simply chose to try and shove her out of the hive.

"It would seem these ants are more ethically developed than the others." Junji mumbled.

Although the worker ants were effective, their smaller numbers allowed Anita to escape and make her way back to the queen. With the help of Anita's head cam, Tex had perfect view as she slayed the ant queen with her spiky arms.

Anita began to scoop out pieces of the dying queen and attach them to herself.

"Yes." Junji said happily. "I am a queen."

"Look, I don't ask and you don't tell, pal." Barton replied.

As Anita, covered in pheromones, stood tall before the worker ants, they slowly halted their panic. After less than a minute, they'd resumed their business as it had been.

"No." Junji ordered. "Follow me."

Junji used the controller to fly Anita out the way they'd came. Thousands of worker ants began to follow her. Tex was soon able to see ants both with the camera and in front of his eyes on the ground.

"We do not have the numbers to attack another colony the way we are now." said Junji. "However, I have something ants do not."

"Do you?" Tex replied.

Junji grabbed Tex's paper cup of water from the table and placed it on the ground. After picking the controller back up, he slowly coaxed a few hundred ants into lifting it up from the bottom.

They were careful not to spill it.

It took the ants about twenty minutes to get the cup to the next colony. The colony was smaller than the first one, but larger than the second.

"Please surrender." Junji told the ants. "It will be easier that way."

The enemy ants continued to rush forward. With a little sigh, Junji used Anita's political influence to coax the friendly ants into spilling just a few drops of water.

Hundreds of enemy ants were swept away by the tiny flood. Still, they continued to attack.

"Unfortunate." Junji followed as he tipped over another few drops of the water.

Junji continued to use the water in small bursts to force the ants to run away, eventually allowing Anita to find an in and slay her second queen. Tex could tell he was doing his best to minimize casualties.

Anita began to harvest the second queen's organs and add them to herself. By the time she'd finished, she was dripping with ant parts.

Peace struck between the two colonies as the enemy ants learned that their queen wasn't gone, only absorbed into part of a super queen. Once he'd reined them in, Junji set out with Anita to attack the largest colony, the one he'd tried and failed to attack first.

It was purely a numbers game. With two colonies, Anita's army outmatched them. Tex did his best not to wince as ants on both sides began to rush forward to see who could sacrifice themselves for the greater good faster.

"Do not panic, we are only initiating take over." Junji said to the ants. "Please prepare to be absorbed."

"I dunno how I feel about this." Tex muttered.

"This was the colony that tried to rip me apart instead of pursuing nonviolent resolution. I only want to teach them peace."

Junji watched his ant army fight with the eyes of a child and the contentedness of an old monk. Tex noticed his attention darting towards a collection of workers that used themselves to form a bridge with their bodies to create a shortcut between two rocks.

"What elegance." Junji muttered, his voice dripping with fondness.

Tex wasn't sure elegant was the best way to describe the sight of thousands of tiny insects walking over the disembodied parts of their fallen friends, but he supposed Junji was entitled to his opinion.

"They do not even spend time mourning one another." Junji followed.

"God, they're like the Chinese." said Barton.

"You're a bigot." Tex replied, agreeing with her completely.

With the rest of the colony occupied, Junji found the queen and easily managed his way around the worker ants. She fell before Anita's feet as Anita took her third kill.

The ants unified, and Anita took off in flight.

"What will you do now?" Tala asked as Junji began to lead what was once three colonies, now one super colony, out of the yard and onto the sidewalk.

"Thrive." Junji replied.

"But you can't lay eggs. The ants will die out."

"I only have to find one more queen."

Just a few yards away from the building, Junji found another ant colony in a sidewalk crack.

Anita got about halfway there before the air next to her started to shift.

"Wait. Wait." Tala said as she put a hand on Junji's shoulder. "Turn Anita around."

Junji turned Anita towards the shift. Through the cam, Tex caught sight of another flying ant who had been following Anita.

The ant was just sort of hovering there, staring with eyes filled with expectation. Tex wasn't sure why he suddenly felt so uncomfortable.

"I know that stance." Tala followed. "That's the 'dick out' stance."

"Aw, don't do that." Tex muttered to the ant he now knew to be male.

"I wanna see ant sex." said Barton.

"I do not want to see ant sex." Junji replied.

"Pleaaaase?" Tala begged. "It'll be educational."

With a little sigh, Junji slowed Anita down and took a rest on a leaf. The male ant scooted up next to her with a saunter.

"You ever think about how if you were an ant you'd want to fuck other ants?" asked Tala.

"Crossed my mind." Tex admitted.

"We should name the male ant." Barton said. "He seems worthy of a name."

"Matt." Junji offered.

"Think he looks more like a Shane." Tex replied.

"Settle for Shatt." Tala suggested.

Tex was unable to look away as Shatt lept dick first at Anita. Upon mounting her, he began to viciously hump her until his penis exploded, killing him instantly.

"The final nut." said Tala.

It was at that moment that Tex began to see Junji's point about the similarities between human males and females, although he had no intention of voicing it.

"Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we as Earth's dominant species had evolved from ants instead of monkeys." said Tala.

"We'd probably eat more kids." Barton replied.

Anita's army practically paved the way for her as she made her way inside the sidewalk crack and found the queen.

This time, she didn't kill the queen. Instead, Anita used her tiny arms to remove the ant organs from herself and place them onto the real queen.

"You are queen now." Junji explained to the ant.

After less than a minute, the massive ant colony had gotten to work on expanding their hive. Tex stopped being able to see what was going on as Anita, no longer recognizable, was ripped to shreds.

"We will tell Xuilan we are finished with the ants." Junji said as he put the controller in his bag.

They found Ying outside the front of Feng's building where she was waiting patiently for them. Tex didn't try to talk to her again as they rode the elevator back down to Feng's office.

Feng hadn't moved since they'd left. Tex was unable to look her in the eyes.

"Uno!" she greeted.

"...What?" Barton asked.

Feng pushed a few buttons on her remote. The screen behind her changed to a scene of the four of them playing Uno at the picnic table.

"Uno." the Tala on the screen said as she slapped down her second to last card.

"Uno!" Feng repeated happily.

"Uh, yeah, Uno." Tex nodded.

Feng sped through the footage of their Uno game, followed by the video of their shenanigans with the ants. It was clear from the picture that they had done their job, but Tex wasn't sure how he felt about being on tape.

Junji sighed and gave Feng another stack of gold coins from his bag. Feng deleted the footage.

Ying stepped forward when Feng gestured for her. Tex stared at the wall as they spoke.

"She wants a reminder on what you need with her tenant." Ying explained.

"We want him dead, and we need an hour or two in his apartment." Tex replied.

Ying relayed the message to Feng.

Feng rubbed her finger under her lower lip. After a moment, she began to mess with the remote until her screen was back to showing the camera footage of her tenant's rooms. She then zoomed in on the one for room five-hundred and thirty-seven.

There was now an occupant in the room, a balding, middle-aged man sitting on his bed.

Feng pressed a few buttons on the remote. Tex watched the screen in awe as a tiny gun protruded itself through one of the fire sprinklers and fired an invisible beam that vaporized the man in less than a second.

"Whoa!" Tex shouted.

"Is that the Quantum Lòudòng?" asked Barton.

"Shì." Feng replied.

"Version two point three six, right?"

"Can we have the key now?" Tala pushed.

Feng handed Ying an envelope from her desk. Tex took and pocketed the envelope when it was handed to him.

There wasn't much else to go over. Feng gave them instructions on how the locks worked in her building and they were on their way to the elevators. The room they were looking for was on floor number five, but they stopped at the lobby first so that Ying could get out.

She didn't say goodbye.

"Did you see the way that guy died?" Barton asked Tex as she tugged on his shirt sleeve.

"Uhuh." Tex replied.

"The Quantum Lòudòng creates a surge of energy equal to the mass of whoever it kills so that it can delete them from existence without violating the laws of physics."

"...Alright."

Getting to their target's room was much easier than usual. It felt strange to slide a key actually meant for the lock into the door and push it open.

The apartment was about half the size of Tex's, which was concerning considering it seemed to be in one of the more lavish buildings. The computer took up half the floor, and Tex had to climb on the bed to make room for everyone to fit.

It smelled strange. Like someone had died.

Tala took a seat at the foot of the bed, which also seemed to serve as the chair for the computer. She pulled an Ethernet cable from her bag and began to hook her laptop up to the computer.

"I dunno what I'm supposed to do." Barton said after she'd closed and locked the door. "There's nothing really to keep watch for."

"Give moral support." Tex replied.

"You've looked worse."

"Thanks."

Tex reached into Tala's bag and fished out the adapter. After sticking the green cord to the computer, he handed Junji one of the blue cords and stuck the other to his own forehead.

The window of the train car was dark. Junji popped into view a second later and gave Tex a little wave.

After sucking in a deep breath, Tex reached for the window.

"We have a problem." Tala said before his fingers could touch the screen.

"What?" asked Junji.

"The assets are corrupted."

"...Ah."

"What does that mean?" Tex wondered.

"Do you know what an asset is?" Tala replied.

"Course I do. It's like a--thing."

"An asset is kind of like a program within a program. If our universe is universe.wrld, you would be an asset called Tex.char or something."

"Then what's the problem?"

"So usually, you have a bunch of character assets and you throw them in a pit of fire. But this guy had coded a bunch of character assets that are already on fire."

"Is that a--are they actually on fire?"

Barton grabbed the suction cup from Tex and stuck it to her own forehead. She then jabbed her hand out and urged Junji to do the same.

"Replace 'on fire' with 'doomed to crawl across an endless sunbaked highway as grotesque, half-melted snail creatures, yes." said Barton.

"Oh, why would you tell me that?" Tex winced.

"Why do you gotta waste my time understanding everything? We're pulling the plug either way, and now I'm only gonna get eleven hours of sleep tonight."

"Anyway," Tala continued, "If we were to try to fix things in this world, I would have to edit the character assets themselves."

Tex looked over at Tala's laptop screen to see she had highlighted a section of code that seemed compartmentalized from the rest.

"So what?" asked Tex.

"Every time you edit an asset, the code needs to recompile." Tala replied. "So we wouldn't really be helping the person inside, we'd just be destroying them and creating another."

With a little pop, Junji pulled off his suction cup.

"So we are deleting the program?" he wondered.

"Yeah." answered Tala.

"Are you sure we don't want to consider things for a moment before we do that?"

Tex raised an eyebrow.

"What else would we do?" he asked.

"We could edit the assets and recompile the code." Junji replied.

Tex raised his other eyebrow.

"You don't guess that would be a little weird?" Tex pushed.

"Why would I guess that?"

"I don't really think it's our place to make life."

"Do you really want to recompile the code, Junji?" asked Tala.

"I'm not saying we should in this circumstance." Junji replied. "But there are other circumstances, and I don't think it's fair to write them off."

"Like what? What circumstance?"

"If you were given the chance to create a being that lived in the constant state of an orgasm multiplied with a heroin trip, would you not take it?"

"Please." Barton begged. "No more."

"I wouldn't wanna be blowing loads all the time." said Tex. "I'd get bored."

"I was speaking in shorthand." Junji continued. "Obviously, if we were to do this, we'd alternate the experience between plateaus and heroin orgasms."

Tex studied Junji's face carefully to see he was completely serious.

"I dunno how I feel about that." he replied.

"Creating life?" Junji asked.

"Yeah."

"Fine. Don't have kids."

"...What?"

"Don't have kids."

"That's it, I'm finding out what meth does to me." Barton said as she pulled a syringe from her pocket.

"Barton, no!" Tex yelped.

Tala cleared her throat. Tex looked over to see that her laptop screen was blank.

"I deleted the code." she announced. "Are you guys ready to go?"

Tex was ready to go, although not before he'd tried and failed to confiscate Barton's meth.

The ride home was lengthy but uneventful. Tex hadn't realized how spent he was until he'd taken a seat on the train.

"How's the return flight looking?" Tex asked Barton.

"We'll be about a half hour early." she replied.

"Alright."

"Could've been a whole hour early if we'd picked up the pace back there."

"Oh, what're you gonna do at the airport for an hour?"

"Sometimes I like to see how many times I can get through security."

Barton ended up being right about the timing. They boarded the plane a half-hour after they'd gotten to the gate, and Tex got his last look at Hong Kong through the airplane window.

"Can you believe we were in Hong Kong all day talking about one world governments and not a single person mentioned Hong Kong protests?" Tala asked Tex as the plane began to roll over to the runway.

Tex yawned and shrugged. He figured their adventure must have been drafted before the protests had become mainstream knowledge

He was fast asleep by the time the plane took off.