How many decades had it been? Dozens? Two centuries and some change, maybe three? I was young then. A fresh paladin right out of the cathedral's training, halfway through the main quest, and on a grand journey to slay the great forest dragon.

I was alone then. Right? No. I had friends, I think. Yeah. An archer and a spearman. A tank and two DPS. We just needed a healer. That's where Laya came in.

On our journey, we crossed into the great Elvish kingdom. It had a better name then, but I couldn't recall it. Every structure here was built of living trees and ancient stone. Moss and ivy climbed everything. Animals and birds and all sorts of wildlife everywhere. Not like it was now. It was livelier then. A fantasy. Not this weird shit today.

Laya was the daughter of the head priest, a strong and noble man. Or elf, whatever. He was our point of contact for this quest, but he didn't want us to continue until we had a healer. Luckily, his own daughter fit the role, but the priest didn't want her to leave.

But I did. I wanted his daughter. Sexually, I mean. She was about my age at the time, young and supple and pretty in the perfect ways. She had short blond hair parted off to the side. Her skin was like porcelain that glowed a dainty pink when she blushed or when I could get her drunk. She was short, half my size, but her breasts were the perfect handful, and her ass a shape so incredible that men would've sung songs about it. She had that upside-down triangle shape, with wide, juicy hips and narrow shoulders, and her eyes--my god, her eyes--so large and expressive, and when she looked up at me with those golden discs, it set my loins on fire. And by loins, I mean my dick.

At the time, I had a small harem of my own back in my hometown. I wanted her to be my next. Who cared about her healing skills when I all needed from her was her body.

It only took a few days of courting to woo her to my side. That is, with the help of my maxed-out charisma stat, the glamour spells to enhance my sex appeal, and my use of seduction magic to speed-through the dating process. By the end of it, she was ready to give herself whole to me.

But when we tried to run away with her, we were caught by her mother, the blind elf priestess. There was a confrontation. A reading of souls. And when she was asked, Laya came out and said it.

She was scared. She didn't want to leave. She wanted to stay here with her family and her father, and she wanted to continue the bloodline with the royal priesthood.

But I wouldn't let her.

I cast my most powerful manipulation spell on her to convince her that she would be better off with me, in my harem. It was true, after all. At least at the time, I thought so. That a life here in elvish paradise was a vapid and fake one, and the only real fulfillment she needed was my dick.

Laya tried to fight back against the spell, but she was weak as I was strong. She succumbed, and she told her parents that she had made her choice. To be with me, forever, as my lover and companion.

We escaped without issue, and she lived for many years as my plaything. Happily, I would add. If at any time the manipulation spell would fade from her, I would recast it, all just to keep her happy. She wouldn't be happy otherwise. Especially when the news came out about her father's death in the war with Eurusia.

You see, I wasn't a bad person.

I gave her a happy fantasy when the alternative--reality--would've broken her.

But, as fate would have it, I lost her when Marianna turned me into a fuckin' trash can. As if I somehow deserved it. No matter. Laya was just another harem girl, one of the countless others that I had obtained and lost over the years, and every one of them would sing the same song and tell the same tale.

The problem now was her mother. Though she was blind, I felt her gaze into my soul.

"You're him, aren't you?" she asked. Her voice was a dream. "You're Obi Imsi. The one who stole my daughter." Her brow was furrowed, and I felt a wave of anger course through her.

Who knew a grudge would last longer than her kingdom.

"Nope," I said. "Not me."

"Your soul," she said, "it is similar to his." Her demeanor softened. "Yes, I can see it, but it is different now. Has it changed its form?"

"Sorry, lady. I'm just a... vending machine. Yep. No soul here."

I started to walk away. I couldn't let anyone in earshot know what my true name was. The embarrassment itself would end me.

She didn't follow.

I hurried across the street, then glanced back behind me. She was staring at me with her blind eyes. Her lips moved in a whisper as she watched, and I broke into a sprint.

I ran down the sidewalk, toward the barn, back to safety. There was a small crowd ahead, and I would lose her there. I slowed down, then forced my way through the sea of people, almost there, and--

"Well, look who it is!" said a heroic young voice.

I froze and looked. It was the adventurers who escorted us in, but now that I had a good look at them, I knew where I had seen them before. The cathedral. This was the young knight I confronted about his magic ring, and his friends here are his same party members.

This day was getting worse by the second. I looked behind me to see if that crazy bitch was still following--she wasn't--and I took a deep breath. "Ah, yes," I told the knight. "I remember you now. From the cathedral?"

"Aye, so it was you!" he grinned. "Tell me, friend! How has fate been so kind that we meet in these circumstances yet again?" He smiled to his friends, a contagious one, and his friends reflected the smile back to me.

I looked for the blind priestess. She was gone. I breathed a sigh of relief. Around us, a handful of people were out shopping in what was apparently the biggest attraction here. Temple-related goods. Souvenirs mostly. Each tent was staffed by elves dressed in traditional white robes of priests and priestesses, and I knew this was a bad place to be.

"I was in the metal machine," I told the knight. "Thanks again for your help earlier. And, uh," I scratched the back of my neck. "Sorry about the thing at the cathedral."

"My heavens!" the knight said. "Truly, our fates are twine!" He nodded at his party, they nodded back. "It is no issue at all, my friend. In fact, why don't you join us? We soon embark on a grand quest to slay the forest dragon, and we could always use companions for the trip!"

Forest dragon? I almost chuckled at the words. This was the part of the main quest that I never finished. I never killed that fucking thing, and I even doubted if it was still alive. With the lies of the temples and the main quest, they were probably sending this kid on some dumbass errand. "Thanks," I told him. "But I have something else that I need to--"

"Ah, there you are, young heroes!" said a creepy old priest. He shuffled up to the knight and presented him with a scroll. "Here, my young knight. The paperwork is complete. Your quest may thus continue, and may the divine grant you protection on this great battle." The priest held his heart solemnly. "Oh, heavens, you would do us a great deed by felling this evil foe." Other priests nearby nodded and grunted in agreement.

"Thank you, good priest!" said the knight, ever so eager and energetic. "You may rest assured that I, the Chosen one, will slay this beast and return to you with its head!"

They cheered at him. The priests clapped and wiped their tears. The knight's comrades pumped their fists. And truth be told, I found it equal parts cute and sketchy. Something just felt... off.

"Hey," Vil said beside me. His mouth was full, and he had food stains on his shirt. "What's going on?"

"They wanted us to help with a quest," I told him.

"No," he said. "Let's not."

Just as the crowd began to disperse, and just as Vil and I were about to leave, the priest stopped the adventurer group. "Now, please," he said, "Would you like to purchase some enchanted trinkets and items to protect you on your quest?"

"Oh," the knight said. "I, uh, I should be good on potions." The healer agreed with him.

"No, no," said the priest. "These trinkets will grant you divine protection against the forest dragon, and if you buy the whole set, I'll throw in the Holy Salve of Spiritual Purity for free!"

I turned. "How much is that salve by itself," I asked.

"It is but 100 gold!" he said with enthusiasm. "And if you buy one now, I'll throw in a free half-off coffee coupon at the cafe!"

I looked at Vil. He knew what I wanted. He tossed me a coin, and I paid the priest.

The priest studied the coin--just a regular, oddly sexual coin--then nodded. "Here, my good knight.” He handed me the salve, which was really just a label-less jar of a white substance. "May the divine cleanse you of your sins."

Hmm-click.

+1 Wooden Spoon

I dug it out, wrestled open the jar, and scooped a bit of creamy lotion to give it a sniff. It smelled familiar. Something food-related. It had a slight egg smell to it.

Everyone watched me. The adventurers stared with wide, anticipating eyes. The priest started to sweat.

I tasted it. It tasted like... mayonnaise?

I stared down at it. It looked like mayonnaise.

I chucked the whole-ass jar into my mouth and gulped it down.

+1 Jar of Mayonnaise

It's fuckin' mayonnaise! "Priest," I said. "This is mayonnaise. I fucking hate mayonnaise."

"No, no," he said with soothing gestures. "It is but a, eh, blessed lotion made with similar ingredients. I can assure you that--"

"Cassandra," I asked inwardly. "Analyze it."

"It's mayonnaise, Imsi," she said.

"This is mayonnaise," I said again.

"Oh, heavens!" the priest said. "I sincerely apologize. I, uh, have given you the, uh, Potion of Safe Travels. A poor accidental mixup, I can assure you."

The adventurer stepped up to me with fire in his eyes. "You see, my friend? It's fate itself binding out destinies together! Please, I beseech you. Deliver us on our quest in your strange metal wagon, and with your blessing of safe travels, we will no doubt slay the forest dragon!"

Goddamnit. First mayonnaise and now dragons?

"Worry not," the young hero said. "We will share the spoils of the forest dragon, and together may we prosper from its wealth!"

I looked at Vil. He tried to wipe the shit-eating grin off his face, but he failed. He shrugged. "Why not, Redrim? Why not?"