“I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their good intellects.”

—Oscar Wilde

“And that’s why you’re dead.”

—Graff Von Ludendorf

“He’s dead because he lived hundreds of years ago.”

—The Princess

“Two quotes per chapter please.”

—The Author

“Do not presume to tell me what to do, you insignificant insect.”

—Graff Von Ludendorf

“Sorry.”

—The Author

As soon as the party reached the outer gates, the identical footmen turned on their heels in parade ground unison and marched back to their master, leaving the trio alone.

Ivanov turned to the Princess. “We know you can talk good. But do you have skill that can help in mission?” The sound of massive gates closing behind them punctuated his question.

The Princess thought about this for a moment. Her personal mission was to ensure the returning party was smaller than the outgoing party. It was tempting to dispose of both men, but then the Princess would be left without protection. This would be a problem, since her martial experience was limited to slapping her younger brother when he got too lippy and, more recently, having her head slammed against a wall by a portly man well into his sixties who was nevertheless able to pick her up with one hand with no sign of effort. The collective mission, in which she was a reluctant party, and which necessitated the operation of planetary defense systems, required proficiency in fencing, shooting, astrophysics, and probably a good deal of other skills she’d never even heard about.

“I lead from behind,” the Princess announced authoritatively.

Ivanov gave her a skeptical look. “Von Schmidt and Jeans even more in behind, why not stay with them?”

“Well, I wouldn’t want to be too much in your behind, would I now?” the Princess countered, imitating the Russian’s thick accent.

“It’s all game for you, yes? Did you not see dead people on way here? Turn back before is too late. You only burden for Tanaka and I—”

“Quiet now. Mission time begin. Perfect focus requirement of total victory,” Tanaka barked at the two and started walking towards supposedly total victory. The Princess wondered if the man was capable of forming sentences of his own, or if his speech consisted exclusively of corporate slogans and quotes from the Imperial Code of Success.

“Are we in a contest over who can butcher the Corporate English language more thoroughly?” the Princess asked. “If that is indeed the case, then I will concede presently to your superior skills.”

Ivanov chuckled, and Tanaka glared at them, and they looked down at their feet like shamed students and followed the stern samurai. Sensing the growing tension, Audric climbed out of his nest inside the Princess’s spacesuit and perched on her shoulder. Tanaka glared at him as well, but the little ferret returned the steely gaze of the samurai with no fear, hesitation, or comprehension.

The samurai snorted and returned his attention to the passage. Ivanov intimated with a head motion that the Princess should follow him and then followed her as rearguard. After less than twenty meters of navigating the darkness, Audric started his danger dance, which unfortunately included tugging at the Princess’s curls.

“Audric feels we’re in danger,” the Princess whispered to Ivanov.

“You don’t say,” Ivanov said.

Having been slighted, the Princess chose not to finish her warning. Audric’s reaction didn’t simply inform her of a general danger. The twisted bulwarks and mangled corpses were more than sufficient markers of that. Audric warned her of some architectural or mechanical abnormality that was a danger to her person. The Princess slowed her pace until she was about three meters behind Tanaka and Ivanov. Being buried alive under a pile of rubble or sliced in two by a malfunctioning portal was no fitting end for a lady of her station.

The two men moved in totally disparate fashions. Ivanov stalked the corridor like a predator in the forest, carefully testing the ground with the tip of his boot before committing to a step. Tanaka walked slowly and deliberately, seemingly oblivious to his surroundings altogether. Of course, this was a false impression. Zaibatsu samurai were legendary for their inhuman level of alertness.

The group’s destination was a secret passage that would lead them to a park outside the mansion from which they could climb the walls and reach the roof. While there was an elevator only two hundred meters away from the dining hall, it was agreed by all that using it would be paramount to suicide due to its indefensibility.

The park, on the other hand, was shadowed during this time of day, which meant that the chornoi would not be able to patrol the area, but only make brief forays into it. While safer, this plan still presented numerous dangers that, for a proactive aristocrat, were also exciting opportunities.

The aforementioned secret passage was hidden behind a full-size replica of Hans Gruber’s monumental sculptural group work de grote mond van de cacodemon, which depicted a giant demon devouring space marines, fighters, and the flag ships of the five superpowers. According to Dr. Vladislav Shklokhtin, author of Grabbing Gruber, the cacodemon was an allegory of the horror vacui. Extending the trope, Von Schmidt had the symbolic void inside the monster’s gullet open to offer a narrow passage leading into the literal void that was the secret tunnel leading outside the mansion, which presently acted as a horror vacui. It was a marvelous subject for an essay, and the Princess made a mental note of submitting one to a literary journal if she survived the ordeal. Anonymously, of course, as she despised nepotism of any kind.

“Why is door already open? Maybe enemy used it?” Ivanov asked while shooting nervous glances in all directions. His enquiry was less erudite but, the Princess had to admit, more pragmatic.

“Chornoi would blast the gate. They lack finesse or intellect to open it in proper way,” Tanaka said.

“I am inclined to agree with Tanaka,” the Princess said. She reasoned that if the samurai was right, then they’d have a smooth journey down the demon’s gullet. If the samurai was wrong, then he’d walk into an ambush, hopefully sounding a retreat with his death throes. Audric had suggested some danger from the building itself, but so far nothing seemed sufficiently divergent from the norm to warrant increased scrutiny. In fact, the Princess was wondering if the little mammal was really qualified to make judgment calls on issues of low-gravity architecture.

To the disappointment of the Princess, it was Ivanov rather than Tanaka who stepped through the gates. They were both her enemies, but Ivanov was the sort of enemy any aristocrat would enjoy having around, leaving Tanaka significantly higher on the scale of animosity.

“All clear,” Ivanov said. “Von Schmidt must have opened gate with remote control. Did anyone spot hidden cameras or recording drones in tunnel?”

Tanaka said nothing and followed the young Russian. As soon as Tanaka was inside the cacodemon’s maw, the upper jaw dropped down with incredible speed for such a hefty object. Tanaka, however, moved even faster. In a fluid motion, he dropped to the ground and kicked the Princess behind the knee, tripping her beside him. Before she realized what was going on, he turned her on her side while flattening himself against the ground.